Zero Wing

Genesis

Toaplan 1991

Ah yes, the game that unleashed a plague upon the earth. I can't think of a disaster-related phrase to adequately describe the torture and harm this game did to the good people in the world like me. Phrases like "avalanche of feces" or "urine hurricane" or "raining vomit" cannot express the horror that is this game. Frankly, I would choose to brave any or all of the aforementioned if someone would banish this game and everything associated with it into the depths of Hell where it belongs. I'd rather be caught in a tornado that just destroyed a glass and nail factory than to hear that stupid phrase again. You know what I'm talking about: All your base are belong to us. I just cut off my hands for typing it, and will now write all future reviews using the bloody stumps I'm working with now. Whoever translated this game stuck their head in a giant pile of blow, Scarface style, and started writing down random American words they recognized in the Japanese game. To whoever did this: I hate you. Whatever the opposite of the Nobel Peace Prize is, this guy deserves it. The whole intro sequence doesn't have a character who speaks English go...er, well, and it became comedic fodder for the nerdy, irritating world to latch on to for months. For those of you who don't know, the intro is funny the first time or two you see it, and so is the phrase. Somehow, the phrase persisted for months, and eventually became a channel for me to direct my unbridled hatred toward.

Making this even worse is the fact that there isn't even a good game behind it. It's every space shooter you've ever played with a couple minor revisions: a tractor beam to suck in things to use as a shield (as you plummet down from the extra weight) and TWO buttons to shoot instead of just one. They do the same thing, it's just that there are two apparently. In what I'm sure was innovative for 1991, the screen scrolls three directions, meaning you can't see all the enemies around. By going up or down sometimes, you get about two more inches of screen to go shoot stuff. It's useless, just like everything associated with this game. So you ask, "Hey, why are you writing a review about something you hate so much?" Well, first, that's the name of the site, and I wouldn't be providing a service if I wrote good reviews, because we know they're all lies anyway. Second, this review acts as a plea to ALL the freedom-loving people out there to let this damn fad die. This is one damn ugly dog, and someone needs to put it (and the world) out of its misery. Where's my shotgun? I think Old Yeller's just about had it...

What I liked:

That phrase and intro, before everyone ran it into the ground like a railroad spike like two minutes after it was noticed.

What I didn't:

The game

The phrase and popculture phenomenon surrounding it that has gone on waaaaay too long

Controls: 4. Sluggish and somewhat unwieldy, it doesn't play as easily as Gradius or other classic spaceshooters.

Graphics: 5. Nothing special. Now, the Genesis sucked, but the SNES shooters looked way better than this one.

Sound: 4. Plenty irritating. Shooting noises fill the game, along with bad explosions and cheap MIDI music.

Style: 3. The developers inherit a couple accidental points for that stellar translation, which (again) was funny for like two seconds. The tractor beam was kinda cool, letting you grab enemies to guide into other opposition, but other than that, it's a sucky Gradius.

1st hour: 9. That intro is SO funny.

2nd hour: 5. That game is SO bad.

1st week: 3. That intro is SO dumb.

2nd week: 1. Is it two weeks ago? Why are all those nerdy kids and school still milking this for all it's worth?

1st month: -3. Will you just let it die, you irritating morons? I hate you all.

The number one reason I HATE THIS GAME is that I heard that stupid phrase at least once a day for about year. It's not funny. You aren't funny for saying it. If there were ever a time for justifiable homicide, it is this time.

by Evil X

Wow. Who knew there was actually a VIDEO GAME behind that crap you hear all the time?