Trojan

NES

Capcom - 1986

No, you pre-vert, this game isn't about "making babies," although it does teach the important lesson of safe-sex, which each and every one of you should remember. Wait, you are a videogame nerd. Nah, don't ever worry about that sort of stuff, you will never SEE a woman, much less make babies with her. (Yes I did just assume all videogame players were male. Probably 'cause it is true.)

Instead, this game is about a Trojan warrior, you know, the Hellenistic ones. Yeah, those guys. Who fought the Greeks in that battle, you know the one, the battle with the Horse, the big one. Like the Monty Python movie without King Arthur. If that makes any sense. Which it does. Those guys. Actually, I'm not sure when this game takes place, since the main character, whom I dub "Timm," since I doubt he has a true name, uses a sword to fight, and there are no guns to be found. But you fight people with malatov cocktails, guys on helicopters. I am going to assume it takes place in an apocalyptic world, like all games from the late '80's early '90's. What was with those guys any-who? Do they know something we don't?

So, I guess first I should explain HOW and WHY I bought this game. How: I work at Gamestop, so I get to see the games that come in and out. Some lad sold Trojan, said it didn't work in his girlfriend, was too big and cartridge-like, and wanted money back for it. We gave him a shiny new penny for his old, dirty, gooey (eww) game, and promply sold it for 1.99. To me. For I saw the game, saw the name, laughed, then saw the publisher. Capcom. Now this was when Nintendo put limits on the amount of games a 3rd-party company could put out. And so these companies formed "Subcompanies" with different names, like Ultra where they could sell their games again to Nintendo, under a different name, so more games a year for a company. Now Trojan was published under Capcom's "true" name, so I thought to myself, "This game HAS to be good. Not only is it named after my favorite brand of condo... Wait, scratch that part, It's under Capcom's name, and since I am devoted as a Capcom junkie to buy every game with the Capcom logo on it, I have to buy Trojan. So I did. And brought it home. And tried playing it. And it didn't work. So I tried it in my other NES, and it didn't work. So I tried it in Sundu's NES, and it didn't work. So I put it away for about a month, then as I was closing at Gamestop one night, I saw on the bottom row of the NES section a videogame cleaning box. I had forgotten about those things. So I bought it, couldn't hurt to try. Turns out, it worked great, and Trojan, after a bit of mishap at Sundu's house, works just fine in both my NES's. So the moral of the story is to clean your old cartridges and systems regularly.

So, moving on to the review. Trojan is a classic side-scroller, along the viens of Kung-Fu. Except you move right instead of left. So it is more like Double Dragon or the like. You play a character named Timm who has a sword and shield. The shield is the really creative factor in this game, as while in most games you dodge attacks, in this game you block them with a shield. Very handy. So pushing up you jump, right you go right, down you squat, left you go left, B you attack and A you block with your shield. The sad part of the game is somehow your shield and sword break. I still don't know why, but it's a nuisance fighting without any weapons.

The game itself is very hardcore. As soon as you choose 1-player, the game says; "Let's try the first stage. Good luck." And it means it. Just like all the old-skool side-scrolling action games, Trojan manages to be extremely hard to play. But it's enjoyable non the less. While everyone says to play Ninja Gaiden or Double Dragon for 2-d sidescrolling glory, I'd say Trojan can be chocked right up there in the decent category. The parts that give Trojan their charm, other than the fact it comes in different colors and sizes, and ribbed if you like it that way, is that fact it can be played 2-player, a norm for that time, or, OR, vs. mode, which pits two extremely different-looking fighters against each other in a tournement. The guy on the left is the 1st player and the guy on the right the 2nd. Duke it out fellows. It's a mini-fighting game added in just for kicks. I haven't had this much fun since the vs. mode in Turtles in Time! Whoo.

What liked: The shield idea is grand. But the thing I liked the most of this game is the cameo appearance by a certain Capcom someone. As you walk down the first stage, you come across a manhole, which can either be jumped over, or fallen in. Now, after playing Turtles, I know not to fall into manholes, but I did anyways, just for kicks. And you know who was inside? An enemy. But not just any enemy. You were made to duke it out with the King of Kings, the Capcom legend himself, Akuma. That's right, the Street Fighter Secret character, with the red hair, karate costume and crazy attacks. But this was 1986? Wasn't that before Street Fighter, and more importantly, before Akuma? Apparently. But he's there non the less. I swear. Go buy the game, wherever you can, and play to see him. I wonder if there are more characters in the game, but I can't get past the second stage boss. Ahh, the great hardness of old-skool bosses.

What disliked: When you leave the game to sit for itself, it starts playing a demo of the game playing. Now, while most games do this, they usually show the main character, Timm, kick butt and beat all the enemies crazy ninja like without getting hurt. Not so in this game. Timm shows off his incredible ability to get hurt constantly. He manages to get gang raped on 5 separate occasions in the demo. In fact, every different stage he plays, he is constantly beaten by the easy enemies that I never let touch me. It's not the hard enemies you can't dodge, but the easy, slow, one-hit killed enemies. They slowly walk up to him, as he doesn't move. Then he turns to face away from them, and takes it up the butt like a man, er wait, that came out wrong. Needless to say, he could have hit them, but didn't.

What to expect: Kung-Fu or Double Dragon. Turtles vs. Mode. Akuma as a secret enemy.

What not to expect: It to fit. It's cartridge shaped, and I am gonna guess your "min-me" isn't cartridge shaped. If so, you've got other problems to look into other than sticking a videogame on for your "making babies" session.

What's so different from this and other games of it's genre: The shield. That's about it. And the name. Where/Why did they name the game that? It'll never get the respect it deserves now.

Ratings on:

Control: 8 - He did everything like you wanted him to, no fancy moves here, it was an NES, but sometimes he didn't jump diagonally well.

Graphics: 5 - Heck, it is an NES game with standard, 2-bit enemies. It gets a plus for Akuma though.

Sound: n/a - Ok, I hate rating NES game music, for it always sucks. Except Zelda and Mario, which will always be good, every midi-related sound on the NES would make me want to watch Evil X's Ballet dancing with his, and I quote him, "Ballerina Legs," than listen to it. So from now on, I will not rate a soundtrack for the NES. Just put in a CD. There you go. Now it is good.

Style: 2 - Heck, it has nothing going for it here. It's any 2-d side scroller/ action adventure game. I don't think there is a plot either. Probably in the instruction book, but now where am I gonna find that at this time of night? The only thing I give it props for is the shield and Akuma. And that is all it needs, folks.

1st hour: n/a - It didn't work the first hour I had it, dummy.

5th hour: n/a - Can't you read? I went over this.

1st week: n/a - No, I think I am the only one who ever owned this game who didn't try to fit it on their shlong somehow. No, that's gross. Shut up. We don't wanna hear how it fit for you. Eww.

5th week: 6 - Got it to work, after some trial. Fun, only 'cause I am in an old-skool mode and saw Akuma.

#1 reason why I hate this game: My copy is all sticky, and I don't wanna know why. Sundu, that's gross. Put it down. No, you don't need to borrow my copy of Trojan for tonite. Mental Image, ewwwwwwww...

by Hawke