The Death and Return of Superman

SNES

Sunsoft - 199x

So as I sat down to write this review, I thought to myself, "Hmm, I've only played the first stage of this game. Should I play more?" Then I decided to take the ultimate quiz on whether or not it would be worth it to play the game again. It's a very simple quiz, and goes like this. Wouold I rather have nut cancer for the rest of my (painful) days, or play ___ game for about 10 minutes. If you voted Nut Cancer, then toss that game away right now, bub, and drive down to the highway where they are setting up scanners to see how many cars pass by. Drive by one of those evil scanner-looking things and watch as they destroy your nuts! Unless you are a girl, but that's quite a slim possibility, 'cause I don't think I've ever met a girl who would read a videogame review of Superman.

Luckily I don't have to play the game to remember all the gruesome details. Or unluckily as the case may be. First off though, I must say that in all it's badness, this game is not as badly made as Superman 64. With that off my chest, let's move on. Superman is called the "Man of Steel," right? That means he's slightly stronger than steel, since he can bend it. Now Wolverine is called the "Man of Adamantium," right? Or at least that is what I have dubbed him. So live with it. This means he is a bit stronger than adamantium. Now everyone knows that adamantium is the strongest metal on earth, or anywhere for that matter. So basically Wolverine would whoop Superman in a fight. Supes would be too much of a pansy to laser Wolvie's head off, and Wolvie would just bust in there and cut Supes into pieces, fire up a grill, cook him with a bit of A-1 sauce, and eat that sucker right up. No, wait, it's Wolvie. He'd eat Supes raw. Now you are saying that Supe's skin couldn't get cut through, right? Well, I'll bet the hardest metal ANYWHERE could do it. Afterall, it's been proven that Superman can die. This whole videogame is about it. And how many times has Wolvie died? Once? No, that was a skrull, you moron. None is the correct answer for 5000. Nothing can stop that beast. (Not The Beast, mind you. Just that beast.)

Ok, you are saying, "Great, another fictional fight between superheros. Tell us about the game already." And my answer is "No." After Supe's death, Wolvie moves on down the line to the next greatest superhero. No, not the Flash, however cool he is all Wolvie has to do is go Berserker style at nothing and hope the Flash runs through it. He next moves on to the Green Lantern. Now Greeny, as I like to call him, has a bit more guts than Supes. (Actually I don't know. I've never read a Green Lantern comic.) But let's just say Greeny isn't afraid to kill, and so sends a giant green blade hurling at Wolvie's head. Afterall, the only way to kill Wolvie is to separate his head from his body. They aren't even sure that will work. His body might just grow another head. So Greeny chops Wolvie's head off, 'cause everyone knows that while adamantium is the strongest metal, magic can break any metal. So there. Wolvie's dead. Now to the game.

Ok, fine the game. It sucks. Basically it would be cool if Supes was as invincible as he is in the comic. But no, some alien with NOT ADAMANTIUM claws can kill Supes. No, not Doomsday. I didn't even get to Doomsday. The normal enemies can kill Supes. Seriously, that's just D-U-M dumb. If I made this game, there would be no limit as to the amount of lasers Supes can shoot out of his eyes. He would be invincible. End of story. The game would center around making sure that innocents weren't killed in the cross-fire of taking out the villians, and not killing, but incapacitating the villians. For isn't that what Superman is all about? He's nigh-invulnirable. So focus all your efforts OUTSIDE THE BOX. Make a game that is DIFFERENT from Final Fight or Streets of Rage. That would make a good game. As it is now doesn't cut it. Or better yet, make a soap-opera dating game with a love triangle between Supes, Lois, and Clark. That would be innovative.

What liked: Superman could be killed by Bob the custodian. Wait, I didn't like that.

What disliked: Superman could be killed by Bob the custodian.

What to expect: Superman can be killed by Bob the custodian.

What not to expect: Superman can live through Bob's barrage of toilet plungers.

What's so different from this and other games of it's genre: Nothing. At all. Except perhaps some supreme crappiness.

Ratings on:

Control: 4 - Bad. Awful. He's slow to punch, can only fire a certain amount of eye-lasers, and it's hard to fly.

Graphics: 3 - There is a reason I don't own any DC comics. I never liked the art. It's in the game, badly drawn. I didn't know it was possible to draw any worse, but it is.

Sound: 1 - Pow. Biff. Bam. No, wait that's Batman. No, wait that's Sidekicks. It's sure not Superman.

Style: 0 - Nothing new here. Except he can fly, but that doesn't count, for it isn't helpful.

1st hour: 2 - I can be killed by the first enemy? I quit.

5th hour: n/a

1st week: n/a

5th week: n/a

#1 reason why I hate this game: I think I've stressed that point enough.

by Hawke