Stuntman

PS2

Atari/Reflections - 2002

Let's get right down to it: this game is about your ability to follow instructions on the fly. You play a young, up-and-coming Hollywood stunt driver, whose contract belongs, apparently, to the most insane, manic, ruthless, and merciless director on Earth. I call him Captain Spontaneous. How bad is he, you ask? Well, first of all, Captain Spontaneous doesn't seem to believe in "rehearsal". When you start a new stage, your stuntman character appears in an FMV to explain some new stunt mechanism, then you get a twenty second discussion of the scene you're about to do (not a map or a route...oh, no, that would take all the fun out of it, right?). Rather, the briefing discusses the actor you're doubling and his motivation in the scene. Like that's going to help you know which freakin' way to turn after you outrace the POLICE, jump the CANYON, and flip your car EIGHTEEN TIMES consecutively! Anyway, as soon as you fully understand the PLOT of the movie in which you're NOT ACTUALLY APPEARING, you're allegedly ready to rumble, and it's "Three, two, one... roll."

Now, if we didn't already love Cap (that's what I call the director, in addition to some less socially acceptable names) we quickly discover he's not a big fan of "early warning" either. He reminds me of my mother back when I was learning to drive. Picture roaring down the surface streets at eighty miles-an-hour, and your co-pilot/navigator tells you "Ok, you're going to turn...right back there." Not "in a minute," or "just up ahead," but a second or two after you pass your objective. Thanks again, Cap. Love ya.

Well, it turns out Captain Spontaneous wears many hats. He's also Captain Reality. You see, Cap doesn't believe in all that "conventional" Hollywood magic, with the smoke and mirrors and whatnot. Putting his reputation, and his stuntmen, on the line just to go that extra mile for his audience, he happily supplies weapons complete with LIVE ammunition. So, when the helicopter that's chasing you on your plastic Big Wheels starts raining down guided missiles, you're super-motivated to apply the pedal power and get those stunts just right.

Of course, you later discover that this is all part of a special incentive plan, courtesy of Captain Reality's alter-ego, Captain Homicide, to encourage you to raise your stuntman ranking as quickly as possible, since your early missions, like those of the other low-echelon extras in each film, tend to end with you dead. Seriously, you begin the game with fun trials like driving your car off a ramp and kissing your ass goodbye as you soar straight into a flying helicopter. Later, you graduate to driving your car off a ramp and DIVING OUT as your vehicle hits the hovering gas tank. Eventually, you get even more sensible instructions, like driving AWAY from the @#$()* helicopter in the first place. Only, by this point in your career, the helicopter now comes equipped with some of those missiles I mentioned earlier, and uses them to destroy all other vehicles on the road, vaporizing the brave stunt drivers who've taken up your former jobs, and whose disappearances will somehow never be noted by the authorities.

Ironically (or perhaps just due to some undiagnosed, self-deluding defense mechanism) Captain Homicide is also Captain Oblivious. Hold on; I'll explain. See, in any scene, you have a certain number of stunts to complete. all of varying importance. Some are critical, others are merely according to Cap's whim at the moment. Well, Cap's job includes letting you know when you've screwed up, by yelling "Cut!" then informing you of the nature of your incompetence. Only thing is, Cap's priorities are all out of whack...so, an out-take generally works about like this:

What Cap says: "Swerve between the trees. Chase the snowmobile through the cabin. Dodge the missiles. Race along the edge of the cliff and use the ramp to vault over the hang-glider."

What you do: Hit the first tree. Spin wildly aside and careen into the lead snowmobile. Miss the cabin entirely while the lead vehicle gets lodged inside and devastated by missiles (did I mention the live ammo?). Slide out-of-control right over the cliff face. Fall three hundred feet, crash into the hang-glider from above, turn yourself inside-out, and explode.

What Cap says: "Cut! That was too slow."

Of course, all of Cap's many persona's are slave to one overriding character, without whom this whole game would not be possible. Captain I-Only-Have-One-@Q#$#$-Camera-To-Shoot-This-Whole-@#*&-Movie. Seriously, who asks for a ten-minute car chase in ONE TAKE?! Unless there's a little cameraman on a mo-ped behind me the whole time (and believe me, I've looked), there's no logical reason to do all this stuff without a pause in between stunts. I mean, if the point of the scene is to jump the gap in the bridge over the river with my rocket boosters, why do I have to start six miles away by driving through the upstairs bedroom of somebody's house? Thank you, Captain Rube Goldberg.

What I liked: Some of the stunts are really unique, adrenaline-pumping feats of skill and luck...at least, the first time around. Also, the replay option gives you the director's view of the scene you're attempting, complete with changing camera angles, which makes some of the more tedious assignments almost worth the effort (just disregard the fact you've taken such care to get these shots perfect despite knowing full well that no one will ever actually see this movie). The extras, like the build-your-own stunt course and the driving games are fun, very briefly.

What I disliked: The views, for one thing. As in the previous two "Driver" games, you have the option to play from the perspective of a third person flying behind the car, the character sitting in the driver's seat, or an unfortunate innocent strapped to the front bumper. The third person view is fine for most normal driving, except in traffic, where Mr. No-Depth-Perception rears his ugly head. "I swear, officer, that bus full of nuns was AT LEAST a hundred feet away." Trying to remedy this by switching to the bumper view doesn't help, of course, because, while you now have a better grasp of spatial relations for the other cars on the road, you no longer have even the slightest idea of your own vehicle's dimensions, leading to excessive side-swiping and further litigation. Last but not least, we have the well-intentioned but poorly executed "driver view". Theoretically, this should be just the thing we need, since most of us who can drive in reality are accustomed to do so in this fashion... at least half the time (when not gawking at passers-by or turned around to address the occupants of the back seats). Stuntman's version of a driver's perspective, however, leads me to conclude once again that none of Reflections' game designers has ever actually driven a car. In this view, you see only the left, front corner of the hood and just a smidgen of the left, front doorframe (not the driver's window, of course). Obviously, stuntmen don't use peripheral vision. That's how you spot them on the street, incidentally. Just approach any suspected stunt-person from the side, then proceed to wave your hand vigorously next to his/her ear. Anyone who doesn't turn to swat at you is a stuntman incognito. And speaking of ways to identify people in disguise, I've also discovered the key to recognizing a Reflections employee behind the wheel. Whoever described the experience of driving to the unspeakably cloistered game designers there clearly uses a very unique approach. As near as I can tell, this individual presses his face flush against the upper-left corner of the windshield -- right where most of us keep our last oil-change sticker -- then slides his body into the gap beneath, steering with his stomach and his left hand while his right covers the side of his right eye, to avoid distractions like his own passengers, or any traffic in the slower lanes, for that matter.

Also, as you go on through the game, the stunts turn into complete bullsh-- er, that is, as you progress through the virtual stunt world, the really cool, challenging but rewarding stunts give way to limitless repetition of minutiae, a la "Get close to the car...get close to the car...get close to that car...and this car...and that one...and this one...now, just for variety, get close to this one a second time..." On top of that, I got the impression my character must have been caught sleeping with the film director's wife or something, because, despite my being a "Lead Stuntman," the stunts were even more suicidal than before. The director must really have had it out with the Missus before "Live Twice for Tomorrow," the James Bond-type film, because suddenly I found the stunts coming in direct opposition to the director's orders. For instance, the director would say, "Chase the car..." and would cut anytime I let the lead vehicle get too far away. But, there would also be a few mandatory jumps (you can tell by the yellow arrows) along my path...aimed in the OPPOSITE direction from the lead vehicle...and targeted straight into walls, or eighteen-wheelers. It's bad enough you don't get any practice runs, so that every time you get a little farther in a stage everything is completely unpredictable, but it's even worse when the things you count on, like having ramps aimed in the direction they want you to jump off of them, no longer apply. You honestly and truly have to drive diagonally across the ramps at this point, and you sincerely feel like getting your gun (as Mrs. Director has been urging you to do) and drilling the no-good, two-timing, incompetent deadbeat who designed this mess.

What to expect: Some high-risk thrills. TONS of repetition, frustration, and dejection.

What not to expect: Freedom of movement. Freedom of thought. Freedom, period.

What sets it apart: The complete and utter lack of randomization. Even Pole Position and Out-Run changed the arrangement of cars on the road from time to time.

Ratings On:

Controls: 7 - They were fine after a little while, but a period of adjustment, like with any driving game, was still required at first.

Graphics: 6 - For a PS2 driving game, this fell surprisingly short of the machine's capacity, especially with the likes of Gran Turismo out there. The cars were not bad looking, but lacked a lot of detail, bearing a striking of resemblance to Grand Theft Auto III's recognizable but not freshly washed-and-waxed versions of modern automobiles. Only thing is, in this game, all you've got are the cars. The backgrounds are nothing special, and forget about the scope of setting found in GTAIII.

Sound: 1 - For some reason, the designers felt compelled to use the title tunes from each "movie" project on which you're working as the music for every stage in that project. This means that, despite good sound effects, after the first time you play a stage, all you'll notice anymore is the music, which is so bad it actually makes you nostalgic for the Street Fighter arcade machine soundtrack. To top it off, you have the option to change the volume in the settings to silence the horrible noises in your head, but, while Sound Effects and Speech actually have separate volume levels, Music volume is attached to the FMV volume. That means you can end the torment of repeating midi sound as you attempt each level over and over ad nauseum, but when you finally do advance, you have to miss your stuntman alter-ego explaining another cool technique or device before the next stage.

Style: 5 - I have to give it credit; Stuntman delivers what it promises: an exact, totally true-to-life rendition of the professional stuntman's daily work. The designers simulated the real, morbid, tedious existence of a paid movie driver beautifully...perhaps even too well, one might say.

To better your understanding of this game, I will do the hourly segment in the style of exerpts from my first time through Stuntman, which was a labor done jointly with Sundu, my co-pilot, and Cap, our infraggable director.

1st hour: second film project, still getting the hang of things

Cap: "Take three...through the gap...aim for the train."

Ari (currently driving): "EX-CUSE me! Aim for the what?!"

Sundu (simply points as Ari slams headlong into boxcar)

Ari: "I hate this game..."

2nd hour: driving skills getting fine-tuned, ready to whoop some tail now

Cap: "Follow the lead car...get close..."

Ari (driving chase car right upon lead's tail, after being left in the dust several times previously): "I heard that! C'mere...I've got you now!"

Sundu: "Nice job, you're passing him!"

Ari: "You better believe it. Watch this...just a little nudge..."

Cap: "CUT! You've touched the lead car!"

Ari: "What?! You mean after all that I'm not even allowed to catch him?! Jesus, @#$%, Barbara Streisand! *sigh* I hate this game..."

5th hour: having "creative difficulties" with Cap

Cap (conspicuously silent): "..."

Ari (driving): "Cripes, there's no directions here! What the hell do I do next?"

Sundu (shrugs): "Just keep going, I guess."

Ari (keeps driving): "You'd think they'd give a little hint or something. Last thing I saw was that arrow pointing this way. That was ten minutes ago!" [Ed. note: This is ten minutes in "Ari time", which means about six seconds real time.]

Cap: "Go through the barrier...dodge the car..."

Ari (looking around frantically): "Barrier?! What barrier?! There hasn't been a barrier since the first turn on this street!"

Sundu: "Now that you mention it, the only car we've seen was that one you passed back then. Y'think maybe Cap's a little slow?"

Ari (driving into bridge embankment): "I hate this game..."

10th hour: hardcore stuntman, almost lead actor, advancing more slowly due to increased difficulty

Cap: "Explosion [Ed. note: This command means "get near the explosion"]...explosion...tank shell..."

Ari and Sundu (in unison, trading looks of confusion): "Tank shell? That's a new one. What the heck is...AIIIGGGHHH!"

Ari (handing control to Sundu as wreckage of car smolders on screen): "I hate this game..."

1st week: have been on same stage (the next to last scene of the last movie) since morning of Day 2

Ari (knocking frantically on Sundu's door...at approximately two a.m.): "Dude! Dude! Wake up! Cap's trying to kill me, dude! I need your help. Please, man, I don't wanna get close to any more cars, or play "jump the bus" or "hit the chopper" anymore! I just want this to be over, but every time I think I'm out, he pulls me back in. Please, you've got to help me. Buy up my contract or something. Make him an offer he can't refuse. Just don't send me back home to him and his crazy show. You know what he's like, with that temper and all. Please..."

1st month: Yeah, right. I've been using this thing for a doorstop ever since Sundu came and finished it for me.

#1 thing I hate about this game: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!

by Ari

In my mad dash for safety (several of them, actually, as by this point every stage is like a day-long ordeal) however, I noticed a very unsettling thing: all of the cars which meet destruction in this rampage are MOVING...which means, for those of you who can't follow the implication, they're being driven...by people...PEOPLE!! Who are they, these innocent, helpless souls? Some poor extras, starstruck and just wanting a chance to be part of the "magic" of Hollywood, perhaps? Imagine, if you will, Mr. and Mrs. Fodder, on vacation with their two children in Tinsel-town. They've driven all the way from Nashville, TN, maybe even letting their little girl, Carrion, get behind the wheel with her learner's permit, while their older son, Wormbait, eighteen and can't-drive-fifty-five, grumbled about the length of the trip. Then, they meet a weird, distorted little man, with a voice like a bullhorn and a face to curdle milk, who offers them that prize of prizes: a chance to be inside the movies. What words does the malevolent Cap use? I don't know, but one minute the Fodders are rubbing elbows at the Brown Derby, the next, each and every member of the family is behind the wheel of a stock vehicle on an isolated mountain pass, awaiting the appearance of the promised "star", and all unwittingly marked for death. BRRRRR. And how can I, you ask, simply race past the scene of their demise, knowing all the while by what treachery they came to such a pass? Easy -- 'cause Wormbait was right about his sister's slow-ass driving, and her stupid freakin' brakelights are all that stand between me and a fifty-dollar bonus for getting this scene right in three takes or less. So I say waste her, Cap, and let's get on with this flick!