Nintendo 1999ish

HO-LEE COW SHPORTS FANS. Harry Carey here, from beyond the grave, for another exciting video game review. We'f got a real classic on our hands here, with all of Intendo's best people being thrown together and told to repeatedly fight to the death, however that works. Personally, I'll take Nass, Peakerdo and Lieutentant Falcon as the favorites. Back to you Evil Ax.

Thanks you senile, ignorant tool. Well, Harry's certainly almost right about a lot of things. Nintendo did some of its best work in recent memory on this game, throwing together solid cartridge graphics, great play control, and a dozen well-liked characters into a chaotic fighting game. In my opinion, the painful failure of a system that we now call the N64 will live on for years almost exclusively because of this game and the legacy it created.

What I liked:

Damn near everything. One of the best replay values EVER.

What I didn't:

1P mode lacked variety.

Characters were sorta overpowered, and very good players could exploit these abilities to no end: Pikachu's speed and throws, Falcon's hump and speed, Ness's power and throws come to mind, and Kirby was just cheap. Damn that brick.

Controls: 9. Double jumps got a little gimpy sometimes, N64 controller was a little bulky anyway.

Graphics: 9. Looked good for the time, and play was still easy to follow, unlike the sequel.

Sound: 8. Some irritating FX, but music was exceptional.

Style: 10. It doesn't deserve a ten, but I wouldn't feel right giving a fifteen.

1st hour: 8. How do I kill people again?

2nd hour: 9. Sweet. Learning moves and stuff.

1st week: 10. The bomb.

2nd week: 10. It's gone nuclear.

1st month: 10. Never gets old.

The number one reason I HATE THIS GAME is twofold. Basically, I hate this game because of Melee, the sequel. But why couldn't they put in 25 characters in this game? And why did they spoil me with the simplicity of this game then come out with the chaotic but deeper and prettier sequel? If you're a really sad person like the one who explained this to me, then you can see that video games are kinda like dating girls (you know...those people with those things on their chest that you stare at, and that you're scared to talk to because you only leave the house for food and video games). Well, this game is that girlfriend you had that wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but definitely had something attractive about her. Furthermore, she was just about EVERYTHING you could ever ask for in a girl. Well, she comes and goes, and after a while, in comes this new thing: the Ten. Insanely hot, probably a dancer, gymnast, or has some other hobby that gives her insane talents (like sucking golf balls through garden hoses, just to name one) but you know that deep down, she's not all there, and neither is the relationship. Melee is the Caitlin Brie to Smash Bros' Veronica, except Melee didn't sleep with a dead guy in a convenient store bathroom. Oh yeah, this was also Nintendo's first flash of the Corporate Whorism that is SSBM. Check out my review of that game for my rant on their shameless self-promotion. Well, that's a lot of hating for one review, but I'd advise that you ignore it, spend 30 dollars on this system, another 30 on this game, and amuse yourself for hours playing this beast of a game.

by Evil X

A flaming elf.