|
Resident Evil Gamecube Capcom - 2002 Note: at the end of this review is a segment of what we thought and said as we played this game around 3:00 one morning. Please for the love of all that is good, DON'T READ IT!} What we liked: This game was scary beyond all reason. Even if you think you've seen the scariest, petrifying, crap-in-your-pants-in-a-bad-way movie, game, whatEVER, you haven't seen scary until you've seen this game. STOP! Sundu's mom has alerted us that his socks are in the dryer .... carry on. What we disliked: The controls. Even though you get used to them they are still annoying. There was also a big problem with ammo. We opted for the grenade cheat to solve this but that made the game less scary. Hawke disliked the scariness and Sundu told him he was a wimpy poo-poo head, but there is no accounting for taste. Lisa Trevor was U-G-L-Y she ain't got no alibi she UGLY! uh uh uh UGL- what review? Oh, yeah. What to expect: Scary! Wow-wee is this scary. It can also be pretty frustrating (Remember to keep your lighter with you). What not to expect: Clean pants. Also, when you see a window, especially one from a weird view, like from outside the mansion looking in, and are expecting a zombie to burst out and eat your brains all zombie-like, they won't. At least not the first dozen times you pass by the windows. Then the day you go trotting by them, not scared at all, Kabam, zambo, Poof poop, they appear, like magical fairies, except a whole lot scarier, and less fairy-like. (that sentence was not Sundu's fault. It came from a bad acid trip... er I mean, a sugar high. Yeah, that's right.) How it is different from others: Well, it's really not. This is the remake, so it wasn't particularly original. The real original was the first survival horror so it was completely different from everything. Ratings on: Controls: 5 - They suck, to put it mildly. The analog pad moves relative to the character, not the angle of the camera. At least they didn't do this with freemoving backgrounds, and instead kept it with only prerendered backdrops. This way, you weren't wandering all over the place with the camera wandering too. And when you have to really run away from an enemy FAST, like you do a lot in this game, it is easy, just push up a lot. After a while, the controls become second nature, hense a 5 instead of a 1, but the character still always runs around zig-zag wherever they go. *Breaking News* On our 4th time through we found out you can change the controller setup. While none are particularly better or worse, it does provide some interesing options. Graphics: 10 - Sorry, gotta give it a 10. Everything and their mother is cool looking in this game. I can't say beautiful, for nothing is beautiful in this game, (with perhaps an exception being given to Jill's 3rd costume). But everything is terrifying, and well done. It plays (with exception of the controls) like a dream. Let's just say, if you can find someone to play it for you, and play reasonably well, then it looks amazing. Sound: 8 - The music adds soo much to the game. Remember you MUST play with lights off, and the sound all the way up, cranked. Every zombie snore/moan, every zombie-dog's monkey howl, every door will scare the HECK out of you. And you will love every minute of it. What sucks the most is when you walk into a room and the music starts. Then you know a zombie is in there. Just remember, the zombie's aren't dead until the music stops. And what sucks even more is when there is no music, and are still zombies. Style: 3 - As a remake of the first of the "survival-horror" genre, it takes the cake. Plays like a B-Horror movie, complete with weird science exeriment gone wrong. It spawned about a bagillion sequels and rip-off games, including bad rpgs like Koudelka, so it has to get some style points there. However, this is the remake, not the original, so the style points would in actuality go to the original Resident Evil, not this one. This one should actually get less style points for being a remake. 1st hour: 7 - Impressed by the graphics, hating the controls to no end. Confused on what to do, and scared out of your mind. 5th hour: 9 - Loving it like your red-headed bastard step-child you beat mercessly every evening in the shed out back. (Sundu had nothing to do with that) 1st week: 7 - Confused, scared, can't decide if you hate it completely for being hard and scary, or love it for these reasons. Tough call. 2nd week: 8 - Perhaps you have beaten it once by now. Congrats. Got a new costume. Now go back, play again, and get Jill's 3rd costume. And the unlimited bullets rocket launcher. 5th week: 6 - Jinkies, this game rules. Yet it still manages to scare me. #1 reason why we hate this game: That room on the 2nd floor with the zombie that is already dead and comes to get'cha as a red-scare thingy right at the beginning, and you run by it, then have to come back late in the game and forgot it was there, then it gets you EVERY TIME YOU PLAY THE GAME, yeah you know which one I am talking about.
Yeah, if it doesn't make sense, deal with it. Sundu:Ever try to drink a gingerale fast? It makes your eyes tingle. F-I-S-H! Fish. Fish. Hawke: Ahh, the rape corner@yahoo.com Sundu:Bonesaw is rea-dy! Hawke:Not with Chris NO! Skip the plot Sundu:I'll skip you! I hate you! captain whiskers. Zombie Bruce! Hawke: ok, iM GONNA copy Zombie Bruce! cause I know we are gonna say that a lot. Sundu:Zombie Bruce! Look its like 2 dead zombie bodies having sex. No really, look! Hawke: Stop talking so fast, I can't keep up. Sundu: Zombie Bruce! Hawke: daaarrr Not the gun! Sundu: NOOO Hawke: NOOO Sundu: Weeping Lillies! Hawke: NOOO Sundu: NOOO Sundu: time to go on an emotional rampage! [Sundu goes and opens the front of the mansion and kills a dog] ohh its a scary tree. Sundu: I officially declare tonite official hunt for the elusive cameraman nite Hawke: what the hazey hotel Sundu: yes Hawke: oh ok Sundu: use your instinct chris, hunt down that cameraman, he raped your mother. Take that shaft all the way to 11. Hawke: zombie bruce! Hawke: awwwww, awwwww, awwwww, awwwwww, awwwww, awwwwwww Hawke: why do you have a survival knife in here? Sundu: all the better to kill you with Hawke: all of a sudden I fell less safe Hawke: whoa what's in the bag? Hawke: what's with this toothbrush, it's like a super toothbrush. Sundu: yeah you could kill a zombie with that thing. OHHH! that's what I want, a toothbrush launcher. Where's the bathroom? Hawke: write that down do you remember any of that Sundu: . . . Hawke: because I don't Hawke: my teeth just got the massage of their life. Zombie Bruce! [rainstick is flipped] Hawke: mmm give it to me Hawke: Nothing is scary anymore because we have the spider eggs Sundu: they're not spider eggs, they're mouse testicles Hawke: write that down Sundu: you write that down Hawke: I'm indisposed at the moment Sundu: Chris is gonna brush your teeth Hawke: Dood, it's been 30 minutes Sundu: how long is this supposed to be Hawke: I don't know but I'm not tired yet Hawke: are you ready? Sundu: for what? Hawke: I've got something to say {Editor's note: I suggest you stop reading this now. It gets wrong. Very wrong. And while I tried to delete most of the wrongness, I may have missed some. Caution, this is not for the young of heart, or for our parents to read.} Hawke: I think this game would be even better if jill were a ninja . . . and had an electric guitar . . . and were a guy, with like 16 boners {Editor's note: I didn't acutally say the "16 boners" part.} Sundu: For Charity! [expletive deleted][eww][this was pretty disgusting] [thump, thump] Hawke: oops Hawke: cause if jill were a ninja it would be great because there would be like 20 zombies and they would be like red communist zombies and they would say "mmmmmmmm, jills butt, itchy tasty, shake that butt, mmmmmmmmm." Sundu: dude my forearm is killing me this is harder than masturbating with zombies, Zombie bruce would be like, "man, I want to masturbate with zombies but, this is easier than typing." I'm playing, cause Chris is my star crossed lover. Hawke: and then jill would all like flip out an stuff, and kill a country. Then celebrate with the zombies that turned into giant flying coctail weenies by shredding on her jet red guitar for some queen. Sundu: i said doodie. Hawke: ewww. Zombie Bruce! Sundu: where can i hit the cameraman? there has to be somewhere. He is always somewhere between the ceiling and floor. Which would be the wall.... I hit him! He's got no arms! I singed his left nut on that last one. Ruined his pride too. Think about in years when he has to tell his kids why he couldnt have kids. And if his dog walked in on him in the shower. Hawke: ewww. Sundu: yeah Hawke: ummm... and then Jill would flip out and kill like 200 bagillion people and it would be cool and stuff. Sundu: did you just keep typing while you looked? goodness that is unheard of. You could get a job with skillz like that. take that to college my friend Hawke: and Jill would be wearing a cool mini skirt, like her 3rd costume and flip out all the time, cause she's a ninja. And it would be cool. Sundu: ooo pretty Hawke: and coolness would always happen Sundu: lookout chris, there's a dog. In the sky. dogsky ahh. Lookout chris, there's a sky in the dog. Skydog uhhh. dogskydogfloor uhhh. parabellum Hawke: And Jill would be a ninja Sundu: no punching the zombies. No sex in the champaigne room {Editor's note: at this point, rambling about Zombie Bruce having Zombie sex in the champaigne room continued for around 3 hours. After that, the sugar from the Ginger ales ran out, and Hawke collapsed in a pile of pillows in a corner of the room. Sundu kept staring at the screen where he had angered some ravens who pecked his character to death, and muttering about some "shaft" and Zombie Bruce. They were found 3 months later, half starved. We would also say half-crazed, except they were crazed to begin with.} |
