|
Mike Tyson's Punch Out NES Nintendo 1987 Best sports game ever? It's quite possible, at least for the NES. You play as Little Mac, a scrawny "boxer" from the Bronx trying to work his way up through the ranks of the Minor, Major, and World circuits. This game filled arcades everywhere with the unforgettable noise "BO-DEE BLOW, BO-DEE BLOW." Tangent: since I've been horribly inactive on the site lately, I decided to write this review AND "Castlevania: Symphony of the Night" at the same time, so I'll try to make a few connections as a write. Back to the game...it featured an incredibly diverse group of characters. Almost everyone my age remembers Glass Joe, the pansyass Frog that you fought first. He was totally useless. After that, you move through German and Japanese fighters (is this a WW2 allegory?) and go on to the next circuit. WAIT! You have to train first. Since Little Mac's family comes from a European family with roots near Transylvania, he dons a pink jogging suit formerly worn by the son of Dracula. To this day, I'm unsure how someone can reproduce without "being with" a woman, but apparently Alucard did it. So you're ready for the next match. You pummel a balding Spaniard who loves his hair, and then an oaf from Hippo Island. I sent a letter to King Hippo, in case he was actually royalty, to see if I could get an internship working for him, but he never responded, so I'm doing this all summer. Next up? The Indian magician, Great Tiger. He gets all teleporty after a while. It's a hassle but he goes down easier than Teri Hatcher. So you fight for your second belt against Bald Bull. I'm not sure how someone from Turkey finds enough food to weigh 298 pounds, but he did. Bald Bull (this game loves hair jokes. what's with that?) blames his barber for his hairlessness, but I say he's living in denial. After a while, he'll squat like he's "growing a tail" and charge, going for a 1-hit knockdown. Punch him before he hits you, and he goes down. You've got your second belt, and don your Alucard outfit to go jogging some more before taking on the World Circuit. After Piston Honda 2, you fight a recovering alcoholic named "Soda Popinski" (formerly Absolut Vodka-inski) because no game would be complete without stereotyping the country we kicked the hell out of in the Cold War. Bald Bull comes back for more, as does Flamenco, followed by Mr. Sandman, an obvious racial slur against persons of African descent. Sandman's a hassle: hit him once high, then low till he snaps out of his crack-induced stupor. On to Super Macho Man, the Hollywood pretty boy of the group. This guy has a nicer rack than anyone on this side of Cinemax, but I think it's the bad graphics...um...Alucard said that first part. Anyway, if you can beat him, Mike Tyson awaits you. Here's the problem with the game: fighting Tyson isn't at all realistic. Here's how he should be: telegraph punches way in advance, show up out of shape, and throw one-hit wonder bombs till he lands one and your head pops like a zit. There should be some sexual assault and ear-biting-off mixed in there somewhere too. Anyway, he throws a bunch of nasty crosses (1-hit knockdown) and some hooks and stuff later that aren't as dangerous. And that's about it. Not much else to the game. If you want some good listening, check out Game Over, a Swedish metal band that covers the Punch Out theme and other NES music.
What liked: This game is totally badass. Rather than listing everything, I'll go on a normalesque rant about it. The characters were great, the game had loads of variety and replay value, was very difficult to beat, and Nintendo didn't help by revealing cheats or other game info. Also, Mac looks just like one of my friends from my childhood. One more thing...the coolest cheat code ever. If you put in Nintendo's help line phone number as a password, you got to hear a busy signal. Transcendant comedy. What disliked: Tyson is ridiculous. I also dislike the fact that they took Tyson out of the re-release (which was after the loss to Buster, before the rape) and replaced him with Mr. Dream. That guy was a pair of parachute pants and a "Word to ya Mutha" jacket away from being Vanilla Ice. Gimme a break. Same guy, make him white and spike his hair, which reminds me...THEY GAVE TYSON A GAP IN HIS TEETH. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I don't dislike it, I just thought of it now, so it warrants mentioning. What to expect: Classic gaming, good replay value, an all-around solid work. What not to expect: Options, reality, gore. It's a reasonable sacrifice considering the great game Nintendo provided. Ratings on: Control: 9 - What could go wrong? Block, dodge, duck, left, right, uppercut. That's it. Very basic, very effective, almost perfect. Graphics: 7 - Characters looked good, and the game offered large animated characters that hadn't been seen much on the NES. Give it a beard, and it could be a hockey player. Sound: 6 - Good music, but it sounds like MIDI music. Hardly special. Style: 8 - Boxing kicks ass. This was the first hit sports video game (old games don't count cuz you couldn't tell what sport you were playing). What else do you need to know? 1st hour: 9 - Glass Joe. Too funny. 5th hour: 8 - Owning many people, gotten hung up once or twice. 1st week: 7 - I hate Tyson. 5th week: 8 - I still hate Tyson, but I can beat Macho Man like a circus monkey. #1 reason why I hate this game: TYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYSOOOOOON. by Evil X |
