Kung Fu

NES

Irem Corp. – 1985

Kung Fu is short and sweet. There isn’t much to this game at all. In fact, it’s possible to beat the whole game in 20 minutes or less. Ever wonder what it would be like if cheese pizza was a video game? It’s like that, only with more killing of everyhting.

You Control Thomas! A Guy! He can punch AND kick. some times he can . . . wait for it . . . jump kick. That’s his special move. It seems Dr. X has captured Sylvie and you have to save her. So go! Noble young sir! save her from a dojo that holds the award for largest number of midgets trained in 1984. That and some fuggin’ angry snakes.

The presentation isn’t anything special, but it’s fun – it really feels kind of like an old kung fu movie: There’s no real plot to speak of (save sylvie from MR. X!!!!) and you take out a hojillion guys. The game looks like it would’ve cost more to make a dogfood commercial, but somehow you find you enjoy pounding that stupid magician in the face (OR maybe jump kicking him). Ever seen a man’s head fall off thrice before he kills you? Lord knows I have. Hours of entertainment.

*SPOILERS*

So the ending rolls around: “Congrats! you’ve beaten the game! Sylvie is Saved!” But then dr. X steals her again and guess where you start? Level 1. Kind of makes you wonder if Thomas hasn’t already saved Sylvie from Dr. X three times today. “Well, Sylvie’s been saved. Guess I can turn around now. Dum dum dum . . . lalalala– what the hell?!!”

*END SPOILERS*

What liked: Makes you feel like you should be shouting something ridiculous like “my tiger can eat your snake.”

What disliked: Makes you feel like you should be shouting something ridiculous like “my tiger can eat your snake.”

What to expect: A cheap thrill, a quick game, midgets

What not to expect: Plot, anything more sophisticated than “jump kick”

What's so different from this and other games of it's genre: It’s a quicker, stripped down version of a 2-d Sidescrolling game, but midgety

Ratings on:

Control: 5 (It does what you want, but you crave more)

Graphics: 6 (truly basic, but hey, it’s 1985. What more do you want?)

Sound: 3 (Thomas sounds like bruce lee, the music sounds like a brooding yak.)

Style: 5 (It really does feel like on old kung fu movie)

Difficulty: 3 (easy. The difficulty comes in beating it more than once in a row . . .)

10 minutes: 5 (ok . . . save Sylvie from Dr. X. Whatever . . . wow, I can kick EVERYONE’S ass . . . was that a boss? oops . . .)

½ hour: 4 (Ass is being kicked . . . I think I just beat the second boss, but it could’ve been a foolish henchman.)

40 minutes: 3 (I totally just died thrice while trying to fight this guy whose head keeps falling off and regenerating no matter how I jump kick it. My tiger ca- shit. I gotta watch that.)

5th week: 2 (Die, head guy, die . . . damn. )

5th week and 10 minutes: 6 (Ok! beat the game. Guess I can turn around now.)

5th week, 10 minutes and 15 seconds: 1 (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHIquit.)

#1 reason why I hate this game: Thanks, Thomas, but your Sylvie is in another castle.

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