Dark Angel: Vampire Apocalypse

PS2

Metro 3D - 2002

So Dark Angel, right? The bad Buffy rip-off show has a game? Cool! Well, that is where you would be wrong. For it appears that the people who copyrighted "Dark Angel" couldn't do anything about the PS2 game being made of the same name. Either that or they just never heard of it, or didn't care, since they knew it would be a bad game that no one would play, and thusly wouldn't get any money from the suing.

So, let's go into the schematics of the game, eh? First off, you will recognize this game on shelves (for it will be on shelves, not sold out) as the picture with the anerexic female swinging a sword that is bigger than her midriff at some naked zombie/vampire men. Sounds like a porno, eh? Yep, that's why I got it. Now, let's cover the fact that this woman, er "girl," since she's barely of age, is thinner than Calista Flockhart. I didn't think it was possible either. So I turned to the game manual to find out how it can possibly be that such a woman could be so thin and still fend off naked zombie/vampires. Turns out the manual had a few things to help me. It says:

Anna is a mysterious young woman who possesses heroic Strength, Intellect, and Health.

Right... Well, I guess her strength is her ability to hold her upper half of her body up with nothing in the stomach region. Her Intellect is... Hmm, that's a tough one. Could be she's into the whole Gandhi meditation and starvation tricks to keep herself so thin. And her health? They are just plain old lying there. Now let's consult the manual some more:

Anna can run quickly from region to region. (She can run? I'll bet. She must be on that new "Excercise and don't eat" fad.) As she is a lone warrior, she is able to slip back and forth (Well, slip is right. She could fit through Senator Joseph Lieberman's arse with a body like that.) across the besieged land without fear of being molested. (No comment. It's too easy.)

So then the manual, in all it's greatness, says this:

Where you choose to wage your war ... decides how Anna grows. You will mold her and change her based on your choices.

Wow. They didn't even try to hid the fact that this is a porno. I couldn't write a sicker line. No, wait I could. But we would have to make this site 18 and older.

Now let's move on to the part where it describes the enemy. The Shadow Lord. Oohh, catchy name. Where did you come up with it? Oh, that's right. You didn't. It's been used. In just about EVER BAD GAME/COMIC/TV SHOW, EVER. Well, the manual seems to think it's cool, and tells me this about this Shadow Lord. 1.) He hasn't been seen for 1,000 years. Hmm, makes you wonder if it's not an elaborate cover-up by some underling. That's what I would do anyways. Some great powerful man came and took over the world, then died. I'll pretend to be him, instill fear in the hearts of the townsfolk, and rule in his stead. Nahh, that idea is too good for the manual. 2.) Long ago, MY ancestors shattered his stone body and hurled him into deep pits. No, not Anna's ancestors, your ancestors, or Toni Braxton's ancestors. MINE. That is right, the Emrys clan, with their scottish broadswords and kilts and all hacked him to pieces. Makes me proud. No, wait it doesn't. Anything remotely connecting me to this game would in no possible way make me proud. Might make me sick to my stomach, but not proud.

So then the manual states that the humans developed, and I quote, "Thunder Sticks," that would drive the demons away. Hmm. "Thunder Sticks." So now the game is a study of history and the terrible treatments the American Settlers brought upon the Native Americans. Scratch the goal of the game from being destroy the evil monsters. Now it's to stop the weak Native Americ... I mean "Demons" from trying to take back their rightfully owned land. I see what's hidden between the lines. Do you?

Get this guys and (possibly) gal. The game professes to be an rpg. It says you can choose who to help in towns, and you level up stats. But is it an rpg? Last time I checked, Deus Ex claimed that you can gain levels in it. But it's still a first person shooter.

Now, about the game. Hold on a sec, I'll go play it...Ok, I'm back. I've put 10 minutes into the game and I must say, that the manual makes the game out to be much better than it was.

1st: The game starts with not intro. From the new game screen it brings you into a fight with a bunch of monsters and other people helping you. You don't even get to figure out what buttons do what. Sure it plays, and looks, just like a Diablo clone, but I would have at least wanted a moment to figure out weapons before fighting.

2nd: I don't like the fact that from the top down view, you can't tell how insanely skinny she is, and no one you meet mentions that fact either. Obviously they all must be that skinny, so it's normal. Which is even scarier.

3rd: Every town looks the same, with a square, a small one, and rather crude houses blocking you from leaving. There are people walking around, about 4 of them. The ones with names sell you items, and the others tell you dumb things. Looks like they got that part of the rpgs right.

4th: The music takes about 25 seconds to start up after a fight. There is different music for fights and normal towns, so when you finish a fight, you sit there with no sound, then all of a sudden this terrible melody comes on real loud. Then it ends quickly. And 25 more seconds of pause before the song starts up again. AArghh!

5th: You can jump. And I mean jump. I've never seen anyone jump this high before. She's litterally jumping about 3 stories. Not that jumping is helpful in battle at all.

Now the good things. For I think there are some good things. Well, in the context.

1st: After a good while of fighting enemies, a metal soundtrack will kick in will lots of shredding. And everyone loves shredding, so it's cool.

2nd: It lets you choose which levels to play first, and I think they are randomly generated. I'm not sure if that is good or not, since there is no plot anyways, but it's different from the "Trek to town, fight enemies, go to next town. Rinse. Dry. Repeat." This time you can mix up the steps. "Trek to town. Dry. Fight enemies. Repeat. Rinse. Go to next town." Or "Dry. Repeat. Go to next town. Trek to town. Fight enemies. Rinse." Or... ok, I'll stop.

3rd: She's cell-shaded, at least I think, she's pretty small on the screen. Again, with everything and their mother cell-shaded now a days, I'm not sure if that is good or not.

4th: Every type of armor you get that she puts on and you can see it on her at all times. Sure most of the armor is just pallet swapped, but it's something I want to see more in rpgs. (Like when they give the female character the "bunny suit" or "Metal Bikini". No I'm serious. Go play Secret of Mana. They have them.)

5th: There is no 5th.

What liked: Umm, well, you see...

What disliked: I think all of it.

What to expect: Diablo, but bad. And anorexic.

What not to expect: A woman who eats healthy.

What's so different from this and other games of it's genre: Thinner is better? What? I thought the saying was, Asian says: "Wider is better."

Ratings on:

Control: 5 - She moves. She responds, slowly, with the weapons. She jumps, high. She doesn't kick high though.

Graphics: 2 - Man, if they were a bit bigger, perhaps I could see, and tell you. Seriously, I've seen better on regular PSX.

Sound: 1 - 5 for the metal soundtrack. -2 for the fact it comes on in spurts. -2 for the fact there are 2 songs.

Style: 1 - If Diablo with an anorexic girl counts for style points.

1st 10 minutes: Man, this game blows.

2nd 10 minutes: I wish she'd blo... umm... Next question.

3rd 10 minutes: I'm glad I didn't buy this.

#1 reason why I hate this game: There is nothing new here that I haven't seen EVERYWHERE else. Man, the Diablo clone is almost as overused as first-person shooters.

by Hawke