Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball

SNES

Hudson Soft - 1991

Uh . . . it’s the future . . . or something. All basketball players have been replaced with ROBOTS!! They have names like “Wolf 3000” or “Rex” except for the most expensive model, which is simply known as “Bill Laimbeer.” OOooooOOoooh. So you get to control a team of basketball playin’ robots who sometimes get a tiny bit feisty and maybe a guy from the ’89 Pistons will show up before the robots get really rough and maybe throw a punch. And no one wants that, lord knows.

You coach a team of andriods. They, uh, play basketball. Good luck telling them apart though – just about the only thing that can differentiate those suckers is the size of their mohawks. Did I mention that in the leauge rules of the future at least half the guys on your team have to have mowhawks? That’s right. Because the future’s hardcore.

In the FUTURE, we don’t go for wussy rules like “fouls” – there’s only one rule here, and that’s the rule of the jungle! Jungle pushing, I mean. You can push anyone you want. Now that’s what I call combat!

Future courts, man – they aren’t made of wood. They’re made of METAL! And the referee gnomes leave out stuff, like powerups and cash, that enhance the hard pushing action of the robots.

In the end, you must guide your team of andriods through an entire season of games that are remarkbaly alike and lead them to the championship, just like Bill Laimbeer-bot would want it.

My God does this game suck.

What liked: The title involves the word “combat.” as does the game . . . in a purely relative sense, that is.

What disliked: “Combat” is a reaaaally relative word. As is “basketball”. As is “Bill Laimbeer,” but let’s not talk about that. Because elements of each showed up in the game. I guess pushing someone can be considered combat . . . I guess. And I guess Basketball without fouls or freethrows and with 3 minutes of game play is basketball . . .

What to expect: A laughable attempt at creating a game. It amuses me. HA! It looks like the developers stole some of “Smash TV”’s graphics and decided about 2/3 of the way through that the game was going to involve basketball and possibly Bill Laimbeer. And the exclusive use of the B button.

What not to expect: Combat and Basketball in the purest senses of the words.

What's so different from this and other games of it's genre: Robots getting minimally rowdy.

What his name may or may not be pronounced like: Lame-beer.

Ratings on:

Control: 6 (Would’ve been better if the game didn’t randomly decide to switch which player you were controlling without your consent or sometimes even your knowledge.)

Graphics: 2 (Abyssmal. Repetitive. Mohawkful.)

Sound: 1 (Even worse than the graphics. If only they had written more than 1 song . . .)

Style: 1 (It’s not a Zero because Bill Laimbeer’s name looks funny.)

Difficulty: 3 (This is a really one dimensional game. Push robot. Steal ball. Win. The End. Yay.)

1st ½ hour: 6 (Hey, this game’s kinda hard. Woa – I totally jacked the ball by beating the crap out of some mohawk guy.)

1st hour: 3 (No, wait. It’s really easy. Is there a punch or kick button? A different button at all? No?)

1st hour and 1/2: 2 (Could I get a different song, please?)

2nd hour: 1 (please?)

#1 reason why I hate this game: I like to think that I commanded the game to “shoot,” but what I really told it to do was sensely throw the ball out of bounds or directly to the opposing team.

by Freeohiobot