Barbie Super Model

Who cares who made it?

Ok, so I made a mistake. I decided to download this game. Ok, so haha, it's a Barbie game. One might download it on a whim, just out of sheer curiosity towards how in the world one would MAKE a video game from the craptastic universe that is Barbie. How does she walk upright? Will that dashing fellow Ken be involved? What will she wear? What WILL she wear? Don't give in. Sure, it's funny when she dresses up like an idiot a LOT, but do you want to cheapen your immortal soul just to laugh at how large her hair is? Yes, your soul. I used to have a soul and then along came those bastards who make Tommy Hilfiger and the ass-clowns who made "Barbie super model". They should be strapped to Sally Struthers (just for pure spite) and beaten with uncooked lean cuisine.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. The game is composed of 2 modes, Junior Model and Super Model. Junior Model is actually a curios combination of the mini games that appear in Super Model Mode. I say "mini games," but I?m not sure that's the word. The main game is only slightly more complicated than the mini games, so perhaps it's better to say that the game is basically broken up into 4 different segments that are repeated until the end of the game. Super Model Mode is the real game. There are 4 different levels which you must basically walk across a couple of times to complete. Your obstacles on your way to . . . something . . . are people walking around, Frisbees, seagulls, and the like. If you touch said obstacles you lose a "chance," (basically the equivalent of a life) of which you can have up to 4. If you fall on your ass more than 4 times, you're not allowed to be a model.

There's not really a plot per se . . . As far as I can piece it together, Barbie is just sort of wandering about, living a VERY affluent lifestyle somewhere in California. She drives around Hollywood, Rollerblades around the beach, walks around some ski village and bikes through a large park . . . or does she? It's unclear whether she does these things or just sort of thinks about maybe doing them. At the beginning of every level, she THINKS about the level that you're about to play, then you play it (I know because of the time honored device known as the "thought bubble") so maybe the whole game is just some figment of her imagination that she's cooking up while dropping a couple thou at Tiffany's before brunch. I think of it as a sort of plot substitute. Kind of like the olean of plots. Actually, it's just about her being pretty. Yup. There?s the plot. She's pretty. If you win the game (which I did . . . by cheating) she wears a REAL pretty dress. Do you want to play it now?

It wouldn't be a proper review if I didn't speak a COUPLE of words in Defense of the game, now would it? Barbie does, after all, have 3 things going for her: Large ass, Large breasts and HUGE hair. How?! HOW DID IT GET SO BIG?!! Was it chemicals? Aliens? Surgical enlargement?! You know, you could probably hide an ill developed pigmy farmer in there . . . If trained in the proper fashion, she could use it as a ninja weapon and THEN you'd have yourself a videogame. But alas . . . remembering what color her dress is is about as complicated as this game gets. To be fair to the ACTUAL game, it is, completely without meaning to be, hilarious. I almost soiled myself after seeing all of the STUPID things in her closet. The utter lack of anything approaching plot and the moldy potato chip simplicity of the levels are equally riotous. I laughed when I realized what a shallow and transparent attempt this was to cash in on the artificial bond between Barbie, the epitome of our fuzzy anorexia-causing culture, and consumers, er, excuse me, children. So there. The only things this game brings to the table are a chuckle and a good hard look at a naked attempt to possess your money. This game is damn lucky it doesn't have physical form, otherwise I would've gotten my defenstration on. I HATE this game! This game is the reason this site was invented!

What liked: The utter hilarity of how stupid this game is

What disliked: Everything else

What to expect: Barbie, makeup, attempts to make young women feel inadequate . . . in minigame form.

What not to expect: anything resembling quality

Ratings on:

Control: 5 (it's kind of hard to understand at times and feels inadequate at others)

Graphics 3 (Umm . . . is that a mass of gelatin or Barbie's face?)

Sound 1 (I could SWEAR I'm in an elevator)

Style 1 (not an original thought to be had. made poorly besides)

Ratings on:

1st hour 3 (This game SUCKS)

5th hour 2 (Oh MAN does this game suck . . . I didn't know you could die of Frisbee. . .)

1st week 0 (That's impossible)

2nd week 0 (Still impossible)

1st month -1 (shows up in your nightmares)

#1 reason why I hate this game: ?Oh, man! Did she have purple or pink lipstick?!! I just can't remember!! Wait! If I just think "match" . . .?

Special Notes:

1. Since I have no physical consoles at my disposal, I rely on emulators to review games.

Reviewed by Free "I just don't see hippies at a political rally" Ohio