Atari 2600

Atari is the bane of my existence. Having gotten epilepsy, kidney stones, rectal bleeding, butt cramps, sipiphylus, retarded monkeys, and self-esteem problems, I spent thousands of dollars on therapy and now, years later, can actually talk about my experience.

I would first like to address the common sentiments that Atari had some of the "best games ever," and they were "classics." These games should only be considered great if the only other game you play is "stick a powersander up your butt," a classic in the Congo (I don't know, either). Atari had the worst games ever made, excluding Valkyrie Profile. Each one was entertaining for a maximum of 3 seconds, however, if you pay attention to the game, this drops to one second.
      -Sundu

Sigh. Atari is the answer to "how many different ways can I remake "pong"? So they were pioneers! Monkeys were also the pioneers of sodomy, so does that mean we must praise them and give them bananas and parades that involve floats of bananas and lots of bananas being thrown at them while they throw their own shit?! NO!
      -Free Ohio

Finally, we must address the machine itself. Using the slick styling of a wedge, the Atari has oodles of buttons. There is an on/off switch, black and white/color TV switch, mode select button, and reset button. The controllers plug into the back to rob you of a few inches of cord. But that's okay, because you shouldn't be playing long enough to go sit down anywhere. There are two switches hidden on the back of the machine. One decides whether you play on channel 3 or 4. The other, more important switch controls the difficulty. This comes in handy in some games, for example: if you are playing Pong, you can increase the size of your paddle to compensate for other, smaller things. Lastly, there is the cartridge itself, the folks at Atari were kind enough to make the name of the cartridge face away from you. That way you are saved the pain of knowing what game is in the system. Hopefully, being the lazy gamer you are, this will discourage you from playing.

Ratings on:

Controls: 2 - Joystick or "Standard Paddle Controller"

Graphics: 1 - There were graphics.

Sound: 1 - There was sound. (Skate Boardin' gets a 2 for sound)

Style: 5 - It was a pioneer, but, come on, LOOK at it. We really didn't know what to do here.

10 minutes: 4 - This is more of a history lesson. I feel obliged to "enjoy" it.

20 minutes: 2 - This is the dumbest thing ever.

30 minutes: 1 - No, I am the dumbest thing ever.

40 minutes: -1 - Am I this pitiful?

50 minutes: -3 - Where's my powersander?

1 hour: -2 - Ahhhh, powersander . . .

70 minutes: 0 - Death.

#1 thing I hate about Atari: "How many variations of Pong could possibly exist?" - Free Ohio

Reviewed by Sundu and Free Ohio