Artic Rangers

Neo Geo

I can't find a date, forgive me, I searched (unlike some people who just write 19xx, you lazy pieces.)

Artic Rangers. This game is so hideously amazing that no one actually recognizes its existence. Before we begin, I would like to apologize for the lack of pictures in this review. Apparently the Internet itself decided to ban this game's pictures from it. Yes, playing the game sucks too. I would take some pictures from my copy, but frankly I don't really care enough to do so. So live with me, but don't try to imagine it, for it will burn a hole in your mind!

So the game. Is it a lost Power Rangers season? Go Aroura Borealus Ranger, go Eskimo Ranger, let's call our Zords! Baby Seal Zord! Sea Slug Zord! Form of Walrus Ultra Mega Zord!

Yeah you wish. That would be a much better game than this. This game is about real rangers, not the ones you see on tv or in the movies, but real artic rangers. You spend most of the game sitting around in your base waiting for a call to come in about a fire. Oh and it plays in real time too. This is actually considered (maybe) a collector's item because it is the first game to focus on using real time. Of course it is on the Neo Geo, so it resets the "real time" every time you turn it off.

You know what? Since I bet most everyone out there has never played this, you would belive me when I say that. I'm lying. It is fun to lie. Especially to your parents. And steal their credit cards, and send money to I Hate This Game thru paypal. Hint Hint.

Ok, fine I will really talk about the game. There isn't much here. Basically it is any side scrolling game from the NES-style era. You choose from one of three characters. There is Tony, the main character. You know he is the main character because his "stats" are equaled out. Now I say stats, but I think they just added that chart last moment and it in no way connects to the game at all. Next is Cindi, with a heart on the last "i." She is the "fast one." By fast one I mean she plays exactly the same. Bruce is the slow but good defence. He moves the same as Cindy and they lose the same amounts in hits.

Now the actual game. These three have joined forces to stop the evil Dr. Evil. (See the alliteration there? Please just for a second consider I planned that.) He has decided to rule over the Arctic and make the world pay. They really never tell how, I guess no one could really figure out how the world would be upset to give a mad scientist the artic circle. So these three Artic Rangers must trapse thru 5 levels of snow, mutant sea lions, polar bears with lazers, and other great, very stereotypical monstrosities to defeat him. With relative ease I might add. Usually these games take a lot of timing and playing through levels over and over to get the mechanics of the level. However, the developers of this game either hate playing games, or just have never played one before. It plays so easily that my grand mother could beat it. I doubt she would want to though.

The characters move very clunkily, but the enemies don't really attack unless you stand in front of them and taunt them for over a minute. They don't patrol either, just stand in one place, and never in hard places to reach. In fact I was expecting some sort of "ice is slippery" addition to this game, like in every game. Yeah right. That would make this game more fun.

What I liked: Umm, I could pull out my neo geo.

What I disliked: The game. Why did I pull our my neo geo?

What to expect: Not an actual game.

What not to expect: Fun. In any way shape or form.

What is different from this game and other games in its genre: It is so hated worldwide that the company was forced into a lawsuit where they had to erase this game from the minds of every individual. I alone live to tell the tale. Or something like that...

Ratings On:

Controls: 3 - We move. Perhaps we are sliding around, it is just the game is so badly made it cancels the sliding with the moving?

Sound: I didn't even bother. You know better than to on these games.

Graphics: 3 - I could tell it was an... animal that just attacked me. It was white. Was it a bear or a seal? I dunno.

Number 1 reason why I Hate This Game: Because it exists.

By Hawke