Characters: Paul Schaffer..........Don Kerschner
Don: Good evening. I'm Don Kershcner. (Audience claps) In 1963, Lenny Rip, at that time, an independent record promoter, and now, the owner of "Rippy's", his own successful chain of discount disco record outlets, called me, on a new, unknown singing act, that he had caught performing at a high school park, in Great Neck, Long Island.
On Lenny's recommendation, I called teenager, Rhonda Weiss, and her group, into my office, heard their sound, and immediately signed them to an exclusive, long-term recording contract. A string of successful chart records followed and Rhonda and the Rhondettes were sky rocketed to a forefront of musical genera, whose heart wrenching style of teenage lament caused it to soon become known as Schmaltz rock.
The hits kept coming, until 1966, when the rise of British Rock & Roll caused the girls to leave the recording industry for the lucrative lounges of Las Vegas, Tahoe, and Reno, Nevada.
Today, thanks to the efforts of Mindy Eienstein, Frankie Garris, and their fabulous staff at the SBO talent agency, their manager, Maury Daniels, and to my good friend, a close associate, Ronnie Hamburg, his lovely wife Lita, and their brand new circular records and Tapes Company, Rhonda and the Rhondettes are back with a new sound, and a new message.
So now, ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming the dynamic Rhonda Weiss..and the Rhondettes!! (Music plays/audience claps)
Rhonda: Hi. I'm Rhonda Weiss. (Audience clapping/laughing.) I want to thank Don Kerschner for introducing us, and also for teaching me that Rock & Roll can be the means for personal expression.
Tonight, I would like to sing a very socially relevant song. And, I know that I speak, not only for myself, but also for my closest, personal friends in the world, the Rhondettes.
Now, up until now, I never felt the need to protest. I mean, nothing in the 60's really bothered me. Uh, none of the guys I knew went to Vietnam. They all went to law school. And, actually, I have always found protesters rather pushy and whiny. Until recntly, I read in the National Enquirer that the Food and Drug Administration was considering banning saccharine from the market. I nearly died. (Wild Laughter from the audience)
I make the most fantabulous diet dessert: Mocha Frost Dream. It's only 29 calories a serving. I swear on my life. Ok, should the Food and Drug Administration ban saccharine from the market, an equivalent size portion of that same dessert, Mocha Frost Dream, would be, listen to this, 310 calories. PEOPLE! We cannot let this happen in America! I’m sorry about the lab animals! But statistics prove that most guys prefer skinny girls WITH cancer, over healthy girls with bulging thighs. And here’s what you've all been waiting for........
Rhondettes: Oooo ah Ooo (2X)Ooo ah Waaa
Rhonda: They say you gave rat’s cancer, But I say that can’t be true, Because you are so very sweet that’s something you'd never do. I loved you, I needed you, We had a fine relationship, 'Til one day it got ruined by the Food and Drug Administration.
Rhondettes: And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron,
Rhonda: But sugar there’s no sugar substitute to
All: Substitute for Saccharine
Rhonda: Goodbye saccharine...(dramatic) Uh!
Rhondettes: Remember....
Rhonda: When I was, Only 10 years old, I was far from being slender, I saved up my allowance, for 3 whole months, just so I could buy a blender (blender) Then I had, My first taste of you and you stopped, My teenage sobbing, By showing me there was a big, wide world Outside of Baskin and Robbins (Robbins)
Rhondette1: So what'd you weigh in college?
Rhonda: Oh, I went up and down...
R1: Well, around what?
Rhonda: Uh.. between 115 and 125.
Rhondette2: Closer to 115 or to 125?
Rhonda: Well it was between like 122 and 125
R1: Like around 123?
Rhonda: No, it was closer to 122.
R2: Well was it 122 or 123?
Rhonda: 123.
Rhondettes: Uh-huh.
Rhonda: We have been, Together ever since, you gave me my first chance, To wear my clothes without imprinting on my skin, the elastic from my underpants (underpants) (Ooo ah Ooo/Ooo ah Waa)
Rhonda Speaking: But they don't care about the fact that, ever since you've been around, Your the only reason I can zip my jeans without lying down.
Rhondettes: Saccharine!
Rhonda: You left a bad taste in my mouth...
Rhondettes: Saccharine!
Rhonda: But you kept my seams from busting...
Rhondettes: Saccharine!
Rhonda: Without you in my life, my body would be absolutely disgusting.
(Chorus.. followed by Rhondettes repeating Saccharine while Rhonda rants....)
Rhonda: Now what am I gonna do? Im gonna have to put at least 5 or 6 teaspoons of sugar into my coffee to make it sweet enough.
Rhondettes: Saccharine...Saccharine...Bye-bye!
Rhonda: I'll get you FDA......
