LETS START OUT WITH SOME JOKES HA HA HA
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch
dead chickens at the
windshields of airplanes, military jets, and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and
were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out
of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's
backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists
for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the
chicken."
This farmer has 500 hens but
no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster
for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy.
He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes
him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The
farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and
yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose
at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs
sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy,
did you have to die?" Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
In a restaurant, a disgusted
customer says: Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup? The waiter, after
taking a close look says: It looks to me like the breaststroke, Sir.
A blind man walked into a
bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the
center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him
around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other
customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was
being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir,
what are you doing!?!" The man turned toward the teller and said,
"Oh, nothing - just looking around."
Only in America......can a
pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and
a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk
to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
The was a man who had four
kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short
of gruesome.
While on his deathbed, the
husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest.
Am I Craig's father?" "Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I
promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours." "I can die a happy man.
Godbye my love." And the man peacefully passed away. Marie gave a big sigh
and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other
three."
A man was visiting Spain and
passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that
they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man
went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat
the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got
his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter
over to complain. "I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are
these?" "Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always
lose."
What's that wrinkly thing on
Grandma?
Grandpa.
A guy walks into a
psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor,
"I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The
doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
There
once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy
that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be ok. John did not
know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy said,
"Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your
pecker." John couldn't back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor.
The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it
on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done. As John was on his
way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to
stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his
tattoo and he noticed, that when he was not erect, the only letters that were
visible, were the W and the Y. Suddenly, a big black gentleman steps into the
urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not
help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed. So John said
"Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too." The
guys looked confused and said, "What makes you think that?" John
replied "Well, I noticed the W and the Y tattoo -- so you don't have a
girlfriend named Wendy?" The black guy laughed and responded, "No
mon, that tattoo says, 'Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day.'"
The
first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it
until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the
beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the
kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have
kids, so you've got to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw
you!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the court.
In
ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your best friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me
anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter
Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates
continued. "Before you talk to me about my best friend, it might be a good
idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is
Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is
true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it
and..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really
know if it's true or not." Now let's try the second filter, the filter of
Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my best friend something
good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued,
"you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's
true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the
filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my best friend going to
be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded
Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even
useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates was a great
philosopher and is held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never
found out his best friend was banging his wife.
NOW WASN’T THAT FUN HOW BOUT SOME OF MY FAVORITE SITES (FOR LEGAL PURPOSES NO PORNO SORRY )
WOW THAT WAS EXCITING CHECK OUT THESE FAMOUS PHRASE’S
"I
get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
-
Britney Spears, Pop Singer
"You
guys line up alphabetically by height."
-
Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
"Most
cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
-
Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
"Sure
there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
-
Alan Minter, Boxer
"How
to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
-
Anonymous Manufacturer
"I
love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-
Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
"Strangely,
in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
-
David Acfield
"Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain
in the afternoon."
- Detroit Daily News
"Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that is
not
there?"
- Driver school applicant
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
HOW BOUT SOME
PICK UP LINES FOR ALL OF YOU
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop
you up with a biscuit!
Wow! Are those real?
Your name is Laura, huh? Can I call you Laura? Really, what
time?
Excuse me, but I think I left your sunglasses in your
pocket. Mind if I check?
I have only three months to live...
Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you
all night long!
I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the
next one is free.
Excuse me, maam, is that dress felt? Would you like it to
be?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to
you
I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to
make it a reality?
Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?
Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long,
and think it's time to see if I'm right.
I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.
BOB BARKER PICKUP LINES.
Come back to my place so I can give you a lovely parting
gift.
The next item up for bid is in my pants.
How'd you like a years supply of Turtle Wax.
I've made thousands of women scream and jump up and down.
Please have dinner with me. I'm a very lonely man.
Maybe it'll be easier for you to guess the price of the
waterbed if we test it out first.
Don't worry--I've been neutered.
Come on down.
