Pass on your jokes and I will post them.
More Golf jokes at these links:
http://jokes.glowport.com/golf.html
http://www.golfjokes.co.uk/
http://www.absolutelycollegiate.com/HomePage/golfjokes.htm
http://www.savingsolutions.com/golfhumor.html
One evening a man and wife were lying
in bed. He was reading and she was watching television and brooding.
"Darling," she started.
"Um," he replied.
"If I died would you get married
again?" she continued.
Knowing this was a trick question, he
thought for a moment before answering. "I don't see why not. Our
marriage has been a happy one and you'd want me to be happy again,
wouldn't you?" he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.
"Yes, I suppose," she answered.
They continued in silence for a while;
his reading and her watching television and continuing to brood.
"Darling," she started again.
"Um," he replied.
"If you got married again, would
you let your new wife wear my dresses?"
He put his book down and once again
took her hand. Again realizing this was a loaded question with no
correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. "I guess I
would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice
clothes of yours."
They lapsed back into silence; his
reading and her watching television and brooding even more.
"Darling," she once again started.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her wear my shoes?"
This time without putting his book
aside, he said, "Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a
shame to throw away all your expensive shoes."
They lapsed back into silence; his
reading and her watching television and brooding herself into a
darker mood.
"Darling," she said, renewing
the inquisition.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her use my new Ping
golf clubs?"
With no hesitation, he answered,
"Of course not, she's left-handed."
There was a guy who was an avid golfer.
He played golf every chance he got; in the rain, in the cold, he even
used black balls to play when there was snow on the ground. His wife
joked, half in jest, that she was a golf widow and she really
wouldn't miss her husband all that much if he died before her, for he
was never around anyhow. He spent all his spare money on golf items
and gadgets; trick exploding balls, tees with no indentation on the
top so the golf ball would roll off it, towels with witty golf
sayings on them and all kinds of golf hats.
One night he was in bed asleep after
having played 36-holes of golf that day. He was tired but he dreamed
of replaying the whole round. Suddenly his dream was interrupted by
the appearance of an angel. It was an angel like he had seen in Bible
drawings and other art work depicting angels. He was instantly awake.
The angel, with a full set of wings and
wearing a long flowing white robe, stood at the foot of his bed.
"John," the angel said, for the man's name was John.
"Yes, what is it? You are an
angel, aren't you?" John asked.
"Of course I'm an angel. You don't
think I'd normally walk around in this silly costume, do you? In
fact, I'm your guardian angel," the angel replied.
"Does that mean I get three
wishes?" John asked.
"No, I'm not that kind of guardian
angel," the heavenly being answered. "As you know, John,
you're getting on in years and you don't have as much time left on
earth as you once did. Although I can't grant wishes for you, I can
answer questions you might have about the hereafter. You do believe
in the hereafter, don't you, John?"
"Oh yes and I've been good, with
maybe the possible exception of having played too much golf in my
lifetime," John replied.
"Playing golf is like going
fishing," replied the angel. "There is no such thing as
playing too much golf or going fishing too often. Do you have any
questions about heaven?"
"As a matter of fact, I do,"
answered John. "I've often wondered if there are any golf
courses in heaven. Can you answer that question for me?"
"Gee, John, no one has ever asked
me that question before. I'll have to go back and check on it. Go
back to sleep and I'll be back in about 20 minutes." With that,
the angel disappeared. John rubbed his eyes and opened them again.
The angel was gone and John wondered if he had just had a weird
dream. He rolled over on his side and was soon snoring softly again.
True to his word, the angel reappeared
within 20 minutes. "John," the angel called.
John woke up to see the angel again
standing at the foot of his bed. "Oh, you're back."
"Yes, John, I'm back and I have
the answer to your question. But before I tell you, I have to advise
that the answer is in two parts, good news and bad news. Which do you
want first, the good news or the bad news?"
"Oh dear, I suppose give me the
good news first," responded John.
"Okay, the good news is there are
golf courses in heaven. All the courses have been designed by Bobby
Jones, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. There are no greens fees and
electric carts are provided at no charge. You have the choice of any
brand of clubs you desire. Each course has 36-holes. The greens are
always freshly mowed, the sand traps freshly raked, the roughs aren't
too high and you never lose a ball in the water for the balls float.
When you hit a ball into the woods they always ricochet back into the
middle of the fairway. And on every par three hole you will score a
hole-in-one. Yes, you will have a wonderful time playing golf in heaven."
"Oh, that sounds wonderful. With
all that good news what could the bad news possibly be?" John
wondered aloud.
"The bad news is you have a nine
o'clock tee time tomorrow morning."
A man and his wife were playing golf
with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left.
The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage
barn. His friend said, "If you open the front door and the back
door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." So
they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through
the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on
the head and killed her!
It was ten years before the man could
get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the
same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same
storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, "If
you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a
clear shot to the green." The man said, "I don't think so.
The last time I tried that, something terrible happened."
"What was that?" asked his friend. The man replied, "I
got a seven!"
There was a golf course that
specialized in senior citizen caddies. After completing a round, the
starter asked one golfer, "So, how did the caddie work out?"
The man replied, "He was nice enough, but he couldn't see far
enough to follow the ball." "I'm sorry," said the
starter, "Come back next week and I'll be sure you get a caddie
that can see far enough."
The next week the man showed up and the
starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. "Are you sure
he can see?" asked the man. "Absolutely," said the
starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and
said to the caddie, "Did you see that?" "I sure
did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and
the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?"
The caddie replied, "I forget!"
What's the difference between a golfer
and a sky diver?
The golfer says, "Whapp! Oh,
Shit!" And the sky diver says, "Oh, Shit. Whapp!"
There was a threesome of men warming up
on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came
up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what
her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be
happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always
wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.
When the round began it quickly became
clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully
and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game.
Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it
had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great
round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at
even par for the day.
She teed off and hit a terrific drive
right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the
green about four and a half feet from the pin -- but it was a very
difficult, side-hill lie.
She studied her putt for a few moments,
then she walked over to where the men were observing. "You
know," she said, "this is a very special day for me. I've
always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have
the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and
if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's
thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it for you!"
Well, the first man ran over and said,
"You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can
tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5
inches above the cup." The second man pushed him out of the way
and said, "No way! I've had this putt many times and I know that
the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10 inches high of the
cup." The third man walked up and said, "Don't listen to
either of them." He then picked up her ball and handed it to her
and said, "That's a gimme!"
A husband and wife were out enjoying a
round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined
by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to
slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window.
Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and
shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what
damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they
could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered.
Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch
with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball
through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me
from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am
so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for
myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2
wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the
wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per
year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I
would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a
woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer
and millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed and after
the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long
have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is
your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long
has he believed in this genie stuff?"
So there's this guy who golfs with his
buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her
along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following
Sunday finds them on the first tee.
She's never played, so he tells her to
go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like
he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the
ball hits his wife, killing her.
The police come to investigate, and the
coroner says, "It's the damnest thing I ever saw. There's an
imprint on her temple, and you can read "Titlist 1."
"That was my ball," the guy said.
"What I don't understand,"
the coroner continued, "is the one on her hip that says
"Titleist 3."
"Oh," the guy replied,
"that was my mulligan."
My friend, Don Fisher, when asked about his game replied, "It's a lot like masterbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it's disgusting to watch."
The golfer hit his drive into the
adjacent water hazard on the first hole. He walked over to look for
his ball and saw it about six feet out from the shore in shallow
water. He took his ball retriever from his bag, extended it and
reached out into the water and got his ball. As he was drying it off,
he heard a voice speak to him.
"Hey, mister," the voice said.
He looked around and saw no one. He
started back to drop his ball along the ball's line of flight as it
went into the hazard.
"Hey, mister," the voice said again.
He looked down amongst the weeds and
grass growing by the water and saw a frog. This time he was looking
at the frog when it said, "Hey, mister."
"Yeah? What do you want,
frog?" he asked.
"Mister, I'm really a beautiful
princess but a wicked witch has put a spell on me and turned me into
an ugly frog. If you will pick me up and kiss me, I'll turn back into
a beautiful princess. Then you can take me home and we'll make wild
passionate love for hours," the frog said.
The man reached down, picked the frog
up and put it in his windbreaker pocket. He walked a few yards back
down the fairway and dropped his ball preparing for his third shot.
"Hey, mister," the frog
called, "aren't you going to kiss me?"
The man took a couple of practice
swings with his three-wood and then hit the ball onto the par four
green. Walking on towards the green, he said, "No, I'm not going
to kiss you. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
A woman is cleaning out her attic and
comes across a small box. She opens it and finds 3 golf balls and $250.00.
When her husband comes home she
questions him and he finally admits that every time he was unfaithful
to her he put a golf ball in the box.
She immediately goes ballistic and
starts yelling at him, but as she is doing so she thinks "30
years of marriage and only 3 golf balls."
She calms down and says, "What you
have done is not nice but I'll forgive you. However, I still don't
know what the $250.00 is all about.
Her husband looks up at her and timidly
says, "Well darling, every time I had collected a dozen balls I
would sell them."
A guy had been on a deserted island for
10 years when he saw something approaching. Instead of a ship, it was
a beautiful woman in a wetsuit. She took off the hood and shook out
her long hair. She said to the guy, "How long has it been since
you've had a smoke?"
"I've been stranded on this island
for ten years and haven't had a smoke in all that time", he
replied. She promptly unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and
pulled out a pack of cigarettes for him.
As he enjoyed a smoke, she said,
"How long has it been since you've had a drink?"
"I've been stranded on this island
for ten years and haven't had a drink in all that time", he replied.
She then unzipped a pocket on her left
sleeve and pulled out a bottle of aged Scotch. While he was enjoying
a drink, she started to unzip the front of the wetsuit. While doing
so, she asked, "How long has it been since you've played around?"
His eyes bulged as he said, "Don't
tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!!"
A young woman, just after beginning her
round was stung by a bee. After returning to the pro shop and telling
the pro she was stung, she asked what she should do.
"Where were you stung,?" he asked.
"Between the first and second
hole," she replies.
"Well," said the pro,
"first of all your feet are too far apart."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out
golfing and gets up to the sixteenth hole.
He tees up and cranks one, but,
unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He
goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a
huge knot on his head and the golf ball is lying beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer
and proceeds to revive the little guy.
Upon awakening, the little fellow says,
"Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I
will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take
anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,"
and he walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the
leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy,
and he DID catch me, so I have to do something nice for him. I'll
give him the three things that I would want: I'll give him unlimited
money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up
and, sure enough, hits one into the same woods and goes off looking
for his ball. When he finds the same little man he asks him how is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm doing
fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that
for you. And might I ask how the money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well now that
you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a
hundred pound note."
The leprechaun again says, "I did
that for you. And may I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly
and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is flabbergasted and
stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer,
"That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
After an enjoyable eighteen holes of
golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he
struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a
couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to
her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.
On the way home, the man's conscience
started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't
want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he
decided the only thing to do was come clean.
"Honey," he said when he got
home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I
stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to
her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't
ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."
His wife scowled at him and said,
"Don't lie to me, you sorry scum bag! You played thirty-six
holes, didn't you?"
During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
A recent study had some interesting
conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer
industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers
who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
The study's explanation for this result
was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays
his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole,
goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there
and goes to bed.
The married golfer goes out and plays
his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole,
goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to
his refrigerator.
A golfer ran into an old buddy at the
driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings,
and all manner of things.
Eventually, one of them said,
"How's the family?"
The other replied, "Oh, pretty
good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!"
"Hey, good trade!" replied
the former good buddy!
Nicklaus vs. Wonder
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in
a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing
career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad,
the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it is
pretty good. By the way how's the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I
am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of
money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got
that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find
that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and
not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have
been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought
you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddie to
stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for
the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get
to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down
the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I
get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with
his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well I play to scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to
Stevie Wonder: "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't
take me seriously so I only ever play for money, and actually I never
play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks about it and says
"O.K. I am game for that, when would you like to play."
Stevie Wonder turns around and says
"Well, just about any night suits me."
A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Sherrill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly."Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell"
"Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf. The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two. The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry. The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play. The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".
A husband a wife were married 50 years, and both avid golfers. To celebrate their 50 years, they booked a weekend at Pebble Beach. On the third tee, the husband said: "Honey, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me." The wife was hurt but said, "My dearest, those days are long gone. What we have is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband: "Honey, since we're being honest I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change. I was a man before we met." The husband went into a fit! He cursed, threw his driver into the water, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable liar! How could you! I trusted you! You've been hitting off the red tees all this time!"
