Jack Frost is one of my favorite movies of all time, because it rides the line between "This is just terrible" and "Did they make it this bad on purpose?" very carefully. It has some of the most terrible sequences ever, such when the kid makes his dad a sandwich full of antifreeze, oblivious to the fact that no one has ever made any food item ever out of antifreeze. Jack Frost kills people in creative ways too, such as pushing them over and having a sled chop off their head, biting them in the face, decorating a christmas tree with them, and yes, screwing them to death.
In what is probably the funniest scene in the movie, Shannon Elizabeth and her boyfriend break into a cop's house to screw around just after her brother was killed earlier in the day (the sled chopping his head off kid). She really has no grief as she is so excited that she goes to take a bath while her boyfriend gets wine or whatever together. He is killed by Jack who is hiding in the freezer and then the scene switches to Shannon Elizabeth sitting in a tub. You see a liquid flowing into the bathtub and then its suddenly all snow. Then it solidifies into snowman form with her arms stuck inside his form, and Jack proceeds to bang her against the wall. Apparently it only takes hitting her head four times to kill her and then he's done. You may say, "He was just banging her against the wall while having her trapped in him to kill her." Nope, when she's dead you see him reach his hand down, and then when it returns on screen its holding his carrot which he then reattaches to his face. The moral of this story is: If you ever become a homicidal killer, make sure you find time to get some on the side. Especially from Shannon Elizabeth, she's a freak.
Re-animator = the worst movie ever. Not even any laugh value at how crap it is. It's just terrible. To be honest, I don't even remember the plot anymore. I just remember they brought this guy back to life who had his head cut off and he would walk around with the head cut off. This led to the worst scene ever in the movie, which keep in mind followed like 5 minutes of nude "reanimated corpses" just walking around a room. Pretty terrible in itself, yet nowhere near this scene. They apparently captured some girl and tied her down or something, and the man holding his head proceeded with oral sex on this girl. The only thing I could think at this point was....."This girl is surprisingly calm after her first 5 seconds of discomfort." Really, at this point we just fast forwarded like 5 minutes (!) and credits rolled. My only suggestion is please don't see this movie. It just may have ruined my entire life.
Grim Prairie Tales is a terrific display of how not to use James Earl Jones in a movie.
Good idea = making him the voice of your evil space lord with a heart of gold.
Bad idea = making him a wandering hobo going throughout the desert scaring rich white folk. Somehow, letting him talk is a better display of his acting ability than letting him act in this movie. In this movie, him and some other actor (I guess Brad Dourif from the box) trade scary stories in the middle of the desert after Mr. Jones scares him into giving him food. These stories are all terrible, the first is about a guy who has an indian teepee or something built around him on indian burial grounds, the third has some guy hanging black people, and the last has a gunfighter who is afraid of blood so he dies or something. All terrible stories.
But the worst of all would be the 2nd story. It starts with a guy going through the desert with his horse and he meets a pregnant skanky-looking woman. Like all women at first she's annoying as crap and as the story progresses she never changes. Eventually she rides the horse because the guy is worried about her and they eventually have to make camp. This is when things get weird. They both go to sleep and the dude wakes up in the middle of the night startled. Somehow, the woman is now not pregnant and "sexy." She's still disgusting looking but the movie tried hard to make her look good. Anyways, the guy decides "Well hey she's not pregnant and looks good so I guess I'll do her." They start going at it and then all of a sudden her VAGINA SUCKS HIM INTO IT LIKE A VACUUM FROM HELL. Yes, you read that correctly. Imagine my friends and my reaction to this when seeing it. First you're a little uncomfortable from the unprovoked sex and then the uncomfort is turned up like 50 notches when the VAGINA SUCKS HIM INTO IT LIKE A VACUUM. Really, this needs no more exposition. Just realize, if you would like to keep the idea that you would like to have sex with a woman someday NEVER SEE THIS MOVIE.
First of all, I'd like to start out by saying that Troll 2 is the greatest movie ever. It has changed my life and I have become a better person for seeing it. It is also the worst movie ever created. So yes this movie creates a conundrum for myself when I try to explain it to other people. Is it the worst or is it the best? I'll leave that for you to decide.
In any case, this movie is not without its own insanity. The plot is pretty much that these goblins (keep in mind not trolls in fact there are no trolls in the movie) feed people Nilbog food and drinks to turn them into plants which they then eat for sustenance. Joshua, the 8 year old retard, is the only one who understands this. Also, the ghost of his grandfather, Grandpa Seth helps him. Josh's family switches with a Nilbog family and moves to the town of Nilbog. Most anyone would agree that this sounds like a blockbuster so far. But when they arrive a feast has been prepared for the family by the previous owners. Josh realizes this is terrible and Grandpa Seth stops time to warn him to do something to save his family! Keep in mind that time has stopped, a ghost is talking to this boy and he has to find a way to make them not eat the food. Josh realizes then what he must do and unzips his pants. Of course the next scene shows his dad taking him to his room and telling him "YOU CANT PISS ON HOSPITALITY JOSH!" So yes, Josh just peed all over the food as that was the only thing he could think of to make them not wanna eat it. Now realize this was a TON of food. A virtual banquet of food and he managed to piss on every piece there. I'm glad they didn't show this scene as I realize now that his sister has a piece of corn halfway in her mouth. Just terrible. But oh how hilarious too. I one day hope to gain the decision-making abilities of Josh and save all of my family from their food too.
