Stuck In a Moment
01/16/02

There are times when a U2 song should be stuck in my head, this is one of them. But, generally that seems to occur at 6:40 in the morning and it's usually something off the "WAR" album. But I digress.

I am so very stuck in a moment that I can't get out of. I'm on an emotional roller coaster that drops and spins more and more often, without warning and without cause or cure. Tonight was one of those drops.

You can't be in a bad mood. You can't not meet this person's expectations. Half the time, you don't know what they are. You can't do, or say anything critical because they take it personally. There's paranoia, silence, yelling and alot of confusion. Without all that, when people spend alot of time together, they grate on each other. It happens. But add that in with what I've already mentioned, and it's volatile.

It makes me paranoid and guilty everytime I am not Here, at Home. Those who know me, know how often I go out. It's never. I had moved past alot of this guilt, not so much the paranoia, but I had stopped caring. I am 20 years old. There is a point where it is Enough.

I'm just so tired of dealing with it. I feel like I have been handed a burden, an incredibly unfair one and I wonder why. No one else I know deals with this. No one else has the small fear that creeps up in times like these, that something very serious and very scarring is going to happen. They need help, but are never going to get it and we know how those stories sometimes end.

And I see now, why I seek the things I seek, why I get upset and angry because I am denied them. I see the patterns too clearly. I thought tonight, "That's it. I'm going. I can't take anymore. I don't care how unfair it is." It seemed like I could actually do it. And then...I realized no, I couldn't. I can't move away, I don't even have a car. Without a car, I can't work or do anything. And the burden becomes that much heavier. And I then I know that it's not really a burden, just one of those things every individual has in their life, somewhere, that they have to deal with.

But for the record, before anyone freaks out--no, I'm not talking about some kind of abusive relationship, or someone in one. No, it's not about drugs, or sex, or whatever else it implies. I'm talking strictly about personality and emotions and the things you can't control or fix about someone. So, don't send me any frantic e-mail, don't plan any interventions. My paranoia is kicking in, my fear to post personal details.

Wishing she could remember the rest of the song and not just the video,
Elisabeth

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