Stupid Story
One time I was sitting in a cafe in Paris and these two new-wave gangster-looking guys walk up and they're like, "Da boss wants to see you" so I got up, put down the newspaper, took a last sip of coffee, and promptly threw the remainder of the cup into the first guy's face he went down in a heap the second wasn't so easy to take out b/c he was wearing goggles, so I made use of my local cuisine and sliced open some really stinky cheese under his nose this caused him to cry a lot and the tears filled up his goggles, blinding him, and I ran away to my cool-looking car which was waiting nearby it turns out that they had hijacked it so it would start, but it wouldn't run. I sat there puzzling about what to do slamming my fist down in frustration, I released the emergency break and the car started moving score one for genius upon pulling out of the cafe's parking lot I ran over about 100 pigeons, and an elderly lady who was feeding them narrowly jumped out of the way I had failed to realize this was one of the European places where no one drives, they all walk, so they don't expect a car to come speeding out of a parking lot into the middle of a plaza and almost kill them but they just had to put up with it b/c I was a secret agent they call me Smith John Jacob Jinglheimer Smith and no, that's not your name too I got out of the plaza without trouble, except that the angry pigeons had left a few presents on my car after I had disturbed their lunch turning onto the highway, I tricked out Hum-V pull up alongside the mini-gun on top of the roof told me I had better watch out it actually turned out that there was an old man driving the car and he just used the gun to scare off, "Young punks with the pants around their ankles" whenever they tried to jack his car He scared me, so I changed lanes, nearly cutting off a young doctor in a subaru outback who was going to the emergency room to help out with a big influx of patients I guess there was a huge accident at the munitions testing plant/daycare facility downtown Then I thought why are you so morbid? But that had nothing to do with my story anyway, the girl in the outback drove off and I never saw her again so, I swerved back into the other lane and found that there was an armored car that had pulled up behind me it was obviously from the same troupe who had sent the previous two assassins because the logo on the front was of the WGKY street gang the trouble wasn't that WGKY stands for We're Gonna Kill You it was that the logo just looked soooo stupid it was like this dumb gun with a fist and they were crossed in an X shape I mean, c'mon, at least hire a graphic artist or something pshaw Then they started firing at the car, so I activated the rear deflector shield that didn't work, so I tried to use the rear pointing machine-guns they misfired so I chucked a grenade out the sun roof. It landed smack dab in their car, but it didn't explode so I used the rear-pointing flamethrowers which come equipped with every cool-looking car but it turned out that it was fed using the gas from the gas tank, so I figured I could shoot it for about 10 seconds before I was emptied out so that idea went down the drain to make matters worse I had just received an IM from an old flame on the car's dashboard laptop
I thought, "sexyhelen3453455, why now?" I thought we broke it off when I told you I didn't want to see you and your hot college coed roommates get drunk and horny for me
so I clicked "cancel", hoping she wouldn't take it too hard All of the sudden, I had a revalation wait not yet This horrible day had been the culmination of a horrible week
my car crashed 7.0 times, and yet everyone I had seen said they loved my car and that it's model and brand were so easy to use now I had a revalation the constant crashes that fact that nothing worked the inane banter and endless pounding of lies into my brain by people who liked my car I realized, my car was made by AOL! so anyway, I floored it out of there, b/c everyone know armored cars can't go faster than 50 mph why the thought hadn't occured to me earlier, I wasn't sure but sometimes you just can' t make the connections all the time when you're a secret agent I got home safe and sound that night and bought a new car, threw out the TV and cancelled my AOL subscription The moral of the story is, just keep dragging it out and eventually people will believe or be tired enough of you to put up with you thank you
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