In His Eyes

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Don’t sue me, I’m poor! Gundam Wing is owned by lots of people who aren’t me, and Jekyll and Hyde is not owned by me either.

“I sit and watch the rain,
And see my tears run down the windowpane.”

Heero sat up in bed, a soft, feminine figure lying next to him. It was late, but Heero couldn’t sleep. It was shaping up to be one of those nights again… Heero stared at the ominous sky blankly, then looked down at the girl next to him. Relena had been a true friend, even if she was down right obnoxious at times. A soft patter began, slowly filling the room with the rhythmic sound of gentle rain. Heero stared coldly at the rain, thinking about everything flying through his head.

Ever since Heero had gone to see Trowa, he had started to wonder about what he was doing in his life. What’s going on? Why do I feel so empty? Relena might be nice, but can she be HELL sometimes. She used to make me feel… whole, like I actually had a reason to go on. But now what are we? We’ve been seeing each other for what feels like forever, but there’s no… There’s nothing… God, what am I looking for? Heero thought.

After sitting in bed watching the rain for a few more minutes, he had an epiphany. I want what Quatre and Trowa had. I want that kind of bond. Heero glanced down at the sleeping girl beside him, thinking hard about his life with Relena, Queen of the World. He asked himself why he was thinking about this at all. Then the thought came to him… I’m lonely…

Trowa’s body had been moved to Earth, where Cathrine had instructed that it be interred to the ground. The pilots had gone to see the funeral and stayed for a while to make sure that Cathrine and Quatre would be okay. It was when Duo and Heero had arrived and really gotten to talk to each other again that Heero remembered all that they had gone through together. Since then, he couldn’t get Duo out of his mind.

Duo was my first for lots of things, Heero remembered. My first real friend, my first supporter, my first confidante. Relena was the first to help me see the value of my life, but Duo never let me forget that he was always there if I needed him. He knew how to read me, knew what I was thinking, what I wanted. No one has ever been able to see me that, Heero reflected. His mind began racing faster, gaining speed with each thought that he threw into the mix. It’s been six years since I saw him last. Since then, I never really felt much of anything, not even with the Queen here. Heero’s mind bounced back and forth, looking for some kind of conclusion. Wow, I really miss him… he realized. He wanted suddenly to cry, to express his sadness, but the sky was crying for him.

“I sit and watch the sky,
and I can hear it breath a sigh.”

Duo walked down the empty street. It was late but he couldn’t sleep. Something was wrong, horribly wrong. It was one of those moments when his depression got so bad that even his pills couldn’t make it better; not even Hilde could help. He looked around and found a small park just ahead. He entered and, seeing a small lake, began to walk around the water’s edge.

Hilde’s been great to me. Too bad not everyone has a friend like her. We’ve been through a lot together, Duo thought as he trudged through the park. The brim of his cap was pulled down to cover his eyes so no one would see how red they were. I’ve cried so much these last few days. Seeing Death take another person from my life really sucks. Why do my friends have to die? And why do so few people seem to care? Everyone is full of shit. Hilde is the only one who cares at all, and even then, she doesn’t care much. No body ever listened to me anyway… No one but… No! He never cared about me. He left to go be with the Queen of the Stalkers anyway! Went with her and left me alone… Screw him! Screw all of them! Duo raged. He got so mad that he felt weak. He looked around and found a bench close to the water, so he wobbled over and sat down. The tears were streaming out of his eyes and down his chin again as he thought about all the chances he had lost to Death… to Shinigami… to himself…

I’m the freaking Angel of Death around here! No one gets to die without my permission! Dying and leaving me with no one to love! Duo yelled in his mind. Without even realizing what he was saying, he jumped up and screamed, “DOESN’T DEATH GET TO LOVE? WHEN’S IT MY TURN?!?!?” Duo grew wide-eyed, dropping back down onto the bench, hoped that no one was disturbed by his sudden ranting. “When do I get a chance? When do I get to be loved?” Duo quietly asked himself. The late night was quietly penetrated by the abrupt falling of soft rain.

“I think of him,
how we were…”

Heero quietly got out of bed, walking to the window. He looked out on the dark, rainy city, thinking that Duo was only a few miles away. A quick call to the hotel and… Heero’s train of thought broke quickly when two small hands reached around behind him.

“Come back to bed Heero,” Relena purred into his ear.

“I… I need to think about something. Just let me be for now okay?” Heero replied.

“Fine. I know that you need your own time. Join me when you’re ready,” Relena replied, sounding a little annoyed.

Damn, does she want it again? That woman is insatiable! Heero thought, amazed. The thought made him shudder, but he quickly turned back to his previous thoughts.

Thinking of Duo brought back memories from years ago. Heero remembered days when he and the guys would go out and have dinner somewhere, or when he and Duo would stay up late and he would listen to Duo’s incessant jabbering. It never really struck him then how much he liked having Duo around. Duo would do lots of stupid things, but at times, he was, well, cute, Heero thought, smiling inwardly.

Heero was sitting at his computer with Duo stretched out on the floor of his dorm. Duo had a big tub of spaghetti next to him that he was eating out of. It took Heero a few tries, but he managed to convince Duo to eat with a fork instead of his hands, limiting the mess to just Duo’s face. Duo was yammering away about something that he had done a while back while Heero tried to work on editing his essays.

Sick of hearing about Duo’s first ride on a carousel, he spun around on his chair to silence the American pilot, but lost his composure when he was greeted by a big giant smiling face, covered in spaghetti sauce. Heero tried not to laugh, keeping his “Perfect Solider” mask on. “Duo, knock it off. I’m trying to work,” was all Heero managed to say.

“Oh! So mister worker is sick of hearing about Duo’s trip to the carnival huh? Well fine!” Duo said with mock anguish. “Here’s a story you’ll just love! Once upon a time, this grouchy boy was trying to work on an essay while his fun-loving friend told to tell him a story. When Mr. Grouchy got mad and told his friend to shut up, he threw a bunch of spaghetti at him!” Duo said as he chucked a fist full of noodles at Heero. Heero turned just in time to get smacked on the side of the face by the pasta.

Duo instantly regretted his mistake when Heero got one of those You-are-going-to-pay-with-your-life-for-that looks. Duo tried to run, but Heero grabbed his braid and yanked on it. Hard. Duo fell backwards, the spaghetti flying out of his hands and landing on his head. Heero lost all control over himself and started to laugh at the poor American, now covered in spaghetti, looking pathetic on the floor.

Heero chuckled as he thought about the way Duo had looked when he smiled at him, his face covered with spaghetti sauce. That’s how we were. I wish we could go back to that. Heero stared out the window again at the dark storm clouds.

“And when I think of him then I remember,
Remember…
In his eyes I can see,
Where my heart longs to be””

Duo looked at the pond, now rippled by the falling rain. He was getting soaked, but he didn’t care. There was no reason to. No one cared about him, not even himself. He had been too much of a coward to tell Heero what he really thought. I deserve to be alone. I couldn’t tell him what I felt then and now he’s got Relena. I’ve lost my chance Duo beat into his mind. But what about Heero? Is he happy? I hope so. Those blue eyes, so big and strong. It was just like looking into this lake… I should have tried to see into his eyes the day he left, Duo thought.

“Hey Heero! Wait up!” Duo called, trying to catch up to his friend, smiling brightly. “What are the bags for? You going somewhere?”

“I’m leaving,” Heero said calmly.

“Leaving? Why?” Duo asked, the smile slowly fading from his face.

“I’m going to live with Relena,” Heero replied, staring straight forward.

Duo stopped for a moment, then hurried back up to Heero. “What do you mean you’re moving in with Relena!?!” Duo asked, shocked. Are you retarded? he thought to himself.

“I mean just that. I want to be with someone who understands me, someone who knows me. Relena knows, and I know that she cares about me. She’s probably the only one…” Heero said coldly. This time he turned to look at Duo.

Hurt by the remark, Duo shouted, “That’s right Heero Yuy! Relena IS the only one who cares about you!” When he saw the hurt in Heero’s eyes, he realized that Heero had been probing for a different answer, the one Duo really wanted to give.

Heero picked up his pace and hurried towards the cab that had pulled up, waiting for him. “Heero! Wait!” Duo shouted.

“No Duo! Good-bye!” he yelled as he threw his bags into the taxi and slammed the door.

Duo put his head in his hands and sobbed when he thought of that day, the day that he had pushed Heero away for the first time. “I hope you’re happy,” Duo said to the sky. “I’m not…” he sniffled. Duo closed his eyes, only to be greeted by the image of sapphires burning into his mind. A smiling, happy Heero drifted into his thoughts. Duo stopped crying for a few minutes as he contemplated this ghostly image, smiling and seemingly trying to get him to smile back. It was the eyes that caught Duo’s attention. Heero’s deep blue eyes seemed so gentle and soft, inviting to those that knew him. Duo suddenly realized that he had become calm and his depression was fading away.

“In his eyes I see a gentle glow,
And that’s where I’ll be safe I know.”

Heero kept staring and the clouds, watching as they swirled and churned. A brilliant flash of lightening suddenly streaked across the sky, lighting the night into a bright shade of violet. Just like his eyes… thought Heero. Heero let his thoughts sink slowly in. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to look into those eyes. Violet, just like amethysts, Heero remembered. He smiled a little at the memory of Duo’s shining eyes, his pale skin, his long chestnut colored hair. I’ll never forget you Duo. You had such lovely eyes… They took me in. I always felt safe around you. You helped me find a balance in my life. The nightmares faded and you kept them away. I just wish I could have told you what I felt… Why did I leave? With you, I was safe. Safe, from myself.

“Safe in his arms, close to his heart.
But I don’t know quite where to start.”

Duo thought about all the times he had watched Heero in battle. If he could get a minute or two just to watch the Japanese boy fight, he relished in it. He was so graceful in battle. I wish I would have told him how much I admired him. Maybe I should have… NO! He left us to be with Relena. That’s what he wanted, and that’s what he got! Duo thought angrily. But still… I really do miss him. I’ve never lived like I did when he was around.

That scream could have waken the dead! Oh, wait, oops… Duo thought when he heard Quatre’s scream. Trowa is gone. He must be. Cathrine shoved her way through the crowd and into the room while Duo and the others looked at each other hesitantly. Wufei nodded silent consent to the question they were all asking, and the remaining party solemnly followed Cathrine into Trowa’s room.

Quatre was holding Trowa’s hand, sobbing gently. Cathrine however, was hysterical and was screaming loud enough to wake up the entire hospital. Wufei quickly grabbed her and held her head to his chest in an effort to both comfort and silence Cathrine. The sight was too much for Relena, who quickly grabbed Heero’s arm and buried her face in his shoulder. Hilde walked slowly over to Duo and took his hand, turning his head at the same time to look into his eyes.

“Are you going to be okay?” Hilde asked.

“I don’t know. Why does this keep happening? The war is over… Why do we still have to die?” Duo replied. He was losing control quickly. Hilde pulled him into a hug and cradled him like a child. Duo didn’t mind at the time, since his eyes were focused on Heero.

What’s going on? Duo wondered. He’s actually crying! Oh shit! He’s looking at me! Duo realized. But Heero didn’t look away ashamed, like Duo expected. Instead, he shook Relena off and walked over to Duo, staring him straight in the eye. Hilde felt someone moving closer, and seeing Heero when she looked up, she let go of Duo and backed off.

“Why? Why does this keep happening Heero?” Duo stammered.

“There is no reason. Death is a part of life. You know that,” Heero replied. He put a hand on Duo’s shoulder, pulling him closer. Duo froze. After a moment of tense silence, Duo broke down and started crying, not just for Trowa, but for fear of loosing any more of what he had. Overwhelmed by his grief, his knees gave way and he collapsed. Heero grabbed him just in time and held him up. When Duo was about to fall again, Heero pulled him into a tight embrace and tried to calm him. Duo’s cry was reduced to a weak moan when he felt the warmth of Heero’s body washing over his own.

“Shhhh. Duo, it’s okay to cry, but at least give Quatre and Cathrine some peace. Let’s get out of here,” Heero said soothingly. He led Duo out of the room and into the lobby, pushing him into a chair.

“Go back. Go back to Relena and leave me here,” Duo said bitterly.

Heero’s eyes grew angry, then sad as he realized all that was being implied. “Duo, I…” he began.

“No. Don’t say anything Heero. Just… go…” Duo replied exhausted.

“Fine. If that’s what you want,” Heero said, sadness creeping in on his attempt at anger.

Duo looked up to see Heero walk away. Damn it! Not again! I blew my second chance with him! STUPID MORON! Most people don’t get a second chance… He’s walking out of my life a second time… Duo thought.

“I let him go. Why did I do that? Why do I care?” Duo asked himself. I still want him… he realized. What can I do though? Watching Trowa die, I know that I’ll never have the courage that Quatre had. I can’t tell him. Besides, I’ll never see him… Wait! He’s still in town…

“By looking in his eyes,
Will I see beyond tomorrow?”

Heero had gotten dressed and had moved away from the window. Relena had fallen asleep again, so Heero didn’t have to worry about trying to “occupy” her for a while.

Occupying her. That’s all it is. I don’t even like it much anymore. Relena’s nice. But what do we really do? Eat, drink, screw, sleep, sit around? That’s all there is. There’s no life in this anymore. It’ll never end, Heero thought angrily. I had fun, real fun with Duo. At least he kept things interesting, Heero thought with a smirk.

Duo. He may have called himself Shinigami, but if there’s that much life in death, I can’t wait to die. He may have been wild, but at least he had life in him. Heero thought. I’d give anything to have that kind of life. It was with him that I felt safe. His eyes showed me everything. I was so foolish to leave him. I would have had a real life with Duo. Heero decided. He had begun to pace the room, wondering what he could do. His life was crumbling down on him and it was falling fast. In the last few hours, Heero had realized that Duo was the one person who he had really felt safe with. There was no one else that he could trust, no one else that he really cared about. Duo had really been important to him and he had used Relena against Duo.

“By looking in his eyes,
Will I see beyond the sorrow that I feel?”

I haven’t been this upset since Father Maxwell and Sister Helen died. That was the start of my life as Shinigami. No one was ever able to comfort me. No one but Heero, Duo reflected. He had begun to walk back to his hotel room, unsure of what he planned to do. One part of him screamed to find Heero, another said to get some coffee, sit back and take some more pills, and a third part said to go kill someone. Duo felt more like himself with that voice running through his head. Fortunately, he decided that this was the time to ignore voice #3. “It was Heero that made me feel better though. I always loved having him around. Whenever I think of him, my heart skips a beat. Everything that’s gone wrong in my life suddenly seemed bearable when he was near me. But now, I can take control. If I find him, I can tell him what I think. But then again, maybe Heero doesn’t want to see me again… I’ll probably just screw it up like the last two times,” Duo said absentmindedly.

“Will his eyes reveal to me promises or lies?
But he can’t conceal from me the love in his eyes!”

Heero was digging through his things trying to find the hotel that Duo was staying in. He was also packing some stuff up, getting ready to leave. I used Relena as a barrier. I didn’t want to admit it. She was good to me, but I never really loved her. Duo was the only one who really cared. Or did he? Heero paused as he began to question his resolve. What if Duo never thought of me that way? What if I was only a friend to him? Am I just wasting my time? Would Duo ever have me? Heero wondered in shock.

Heero thought back to the day when he left Duo behind, left him for Relena. He had used Relena as an excuse to force Duo’s feelings out. But when Duo reacted with spite, Heero knew that it was time to go. He said that she was the only one who cared about me. The bastard. He brushed me off. I am just being foolish about this. Duo doesn’t care…

Heero began to unpack his clothes again as he started to sink into a depression. Besides, he’s wild and uncontrollable. He’s probably just end up sleeping with everyone he could get with, leaving me as cold and unhappy as Relena does. Damn, life is miserable, Heero thought, rationalizing his decision to abandon Duo as a lost cause. He suddenly became very angry and grabbed for something to throw. His hand came to rest on his wallet, which he chucked across the room into the far wall. The contents spilled out onto the floor, spreading dollars and credit cards all over the floor. Heero put his head in his hands as he fumed for a few moments before going to pick up the wallet. As Heero bent to pick up the scattered money, he noticed something that he hadn’t seen in a long time. He saw a picture of himself standing with Duo outside in a park somewhere. Duo was making one of those cross-eyed, tongue-out, hands-like-antlers-on-your-head faces. Heero was giving him a death glare as always, but the picture made Heero laugh.

“That was the day before I left him,” Heero said quietly to himself.

“What was?” Relena’s soft voice came float to him.

“Oh, um… Nothing dear,” was all Heero could say. Looking at the picture, Heero felt his heart crack. Duo’s eyes seemed to be focused on him, even if he was really looking at the end of his nose. Heero realized for a brief moment that it didn’t matter what Duo thought. He needed to tell him how he felt, even if Duo had blown him off before.

“I know their every look, his eyes.
They’re like and open book, his eyes.
But most of all, the look that hypnotized me.”

“Duo? Are you back?” Hilde asked.

“Yeah Hilde. I’m back. I’m back for good this time,” Duo said. During his walk back to the hotel, he decided that it would be better if he didn’t seek out Heero. He felt that he had screwed up things enough as it was. There was no need for him to try and push Heero away again. Heero would just say something mean about Relena and Duo would get upset and then defend himself and loose Heero in the end. He didn’t really want to watch Heero walk away a third time.

He used to threaten to kill me all the time, Duo thought as he plopped down into a chair in his suite. There’s no reason for me to try and get him. It’ll just be embarrassing to me and to mister Perfect Solider. Oh well. Duo walked over to his bag and started rummaging through it to find his pills. That’ll take the edge off. Maybe I’ll even get some sleep tonight. It’s only 3 A.M.

Duo stopped his search when he found a small, faded picture of him and Heero standing in some park back when they were still kids. He picked up the picture, holding it in the palm of his right hand while tracing the outline of faces with his left. Duo chuckled when he saw Heero’s face. He was wearing one of those Man-Are-You-Dumb looks. Duo never really thought until then how much respect was actually in Heero’s glances. Those eyes were the widow to his soul. I wish I would have seen it before, Duo thought as he stared at the picture. He became focused intently on the picture, trying to see deeper. Finally, he felt something. Heero Yuy, you really did like me didn’t you? And I pushed you away. Well, that’s it! I’m going to fix this mess. You may have been a jerk, but Hell, you were my jerk and I’m not going to let you get away this time.

Duo set aside his search for his medication, deciding that he’s have time for anti-depressants later; if he still needed them. He quickly found the list that Wufei had produced of who was staying where just incase they were needed. Duo picked up the phone to call Heero but stopped when the idea that Relena might answer the phone and become suspicious surfaced.

“Hilde! I have somethine very important to do. I don’t know if I’ll be back in the morning. If I’m not, don’t worry, I’ll be fine!” Duo shouted as he ran for the door. Hilde came running out of the bedroom looking confused just in time to see the door slam shut.

“Alright Duo. Take care…” she said bewildered. Damn is he confusing. Rushes in then rushes back out into the pouring rain. Then again it is Duo. He’s a big boy Hilde. He can take care of himself, Hilde thought as she smiled to herself. Duo, the man she thought of as her brother, was such a loose cannon. Even she never knew what to expect of him.

“If I am wise, I will walk away and gladly.
But sadly I’m not wise,
It’s hard to tuck away the memories that you

prize.”

“Duo, you may be childish and loud and wild, but you’re my best friend and I’ve never had a better companion than you. I’m coming for you,” Heero whispered into the night. I know this is insane. I’ve never done anything this random before. Chance of success is slim, but I have to try. I told Trowa that the only way to lead a good life is by acting on your emotions. I’m going to follow that advice now. I want Duo and I’ll go after him, Heero decided as he quickly searched for Duo’s hotel. Finding the name and address and Duo’s suite number, he threw on the rest of his clothes and headed for the door.

“Heero, where are you going?” Relena asked inquisitively.

“To find Duo,” was all he said.

“No you’re not. It’s 3 A.M. You’re staying here. If you need to talk to him, you can do it in the morning,” Relena said, starting to get bossy.

“Listen Relena. I’m leaving to find Duo. Now. Even if things don’t work out like I want, I can’t stay here. This is pointless. We have nothing between us,” Heero said fiercely.

“But, I don’t understand…” Relena stammered.

“Exactly. You don’t understand. Me or this relationship. You’ve been a good friend Relena, really you have, but I’m not happy in a serious relationship with you anymore. We have nothing in common. We’ve had good times together, but there’s no connection. I love someone else, and you have to accept that,” Heero said.

Relena looked like she was going to fall to pieces. She started to shake and whimper, but Heero had already put up his defenses against her. “So this is what it comes down to. After all we’ve been through together. How dumb of you to throw it away. For who? Noin? Dorothy? After all, I was you first real experience. You’ll never be able to be with anyone else because you’ll always think of me,” Relena said coldly.

“That’s not true. My first experience was with the person I’m running to. I’ve never told anyone and hopefully neither have they. That memory is one of the only things I treasure in this world. I’m not going to ignore what brought me to it that time and I’m not passing up this last chance to find happiness again. I told you though Relena. You were a true friend but I can’t be what you want me to be. I can’t be your lover anymore, I’m sorry,” Heero said to her. His voice lost its edge as he spoke, trying to lessen the pain that his words held.

“Fine. Leave. Just tell me. Who was it?” Relena asked. Her anger had subsided to pain as she realized the truth in what Heero said. They were friends, nothing more.

“Duo. He was my first kiss,” Heero said. The memory of the night when they had both gotten really drunk and kissed each other came back, making Heero see the only time he had acted as his emotions dictated.

“Duo?”

“Yes Duo. I know that it’s pretty damn dumb of me to want to go back to him, but I can’t help it Relena, I’m sorry. I love Duo Maxwell.”

“Get out. Just leave. You’ve embarrassed me enough,” Relena said as she pointed to the door.

Heero took the chance and bolted out the door and out of the hotel before he had a chance to stop and reconsider. He took off down the street towards Duo’s hotel, only a few miles away.

“Love is worth forgiving for,
Now I realize.
Everything worth living for is there in his eyes.”

Duo ran through the empty street trying to get to Heero’s hotel as fast as he could. Gotta get to Heero, gotta get to Heero, Duo chanted in his mind. So what if he’s a jerk. He’s my jerk and I’m going to win him back. Screw Relena, stupid bitch. Heero may have been harsh and abrasive, but he’s the only one who ever comforted me. I’m happy with him. This is the right thing. I’m sure of it now. Duo slowed down to catch his breath. He kept walking towards Heero’s hotel hoping that when he got there the reaction was what he wanted. Duo was ready to throw his life down and Heero’s feet and give himself over to Heero’s command. Duo picked up his pace again, trying not to fall in the rain, when he saw another figure running towards him in the darkness…

“Love is worth forgiving for,
Now I realize!
Everything worth living for is there,
In his eyes!”

Heero hit the street and ran as fast as he could. I’m coming Duo! Please forgive me for being so stupid! Heero begged in his mind. He kept running for a few minutes, seeing nothing, then stopped to take a rest.

“I’ve got to get to Duo. DUO! WAIT… FOR… ME!” he shouted between breaths. Heero charged forward again and hadn’t run more than a few blocks when he saw a figure in a long trench coat running his direction. Heero slowed down at first, trying to get a good idea of where this person might be headed. The cap on his head kept his face covered, but as Heero watched the dark figure, he saw a long rope hanging behind him. Then Heero saw it wasn’t a rope. It was a braid… “Duo.”

Heero ran forward to meet the other figure, pulling off the hat to reveal beautiful violet eyes set into a pale face with a huge grin. He stood for a few moments, at a loss for words, but decided with the one act that would convey his meaning. He pulled Duo to him and kissed him. Duo seemed to be in shock for a few seconds, but then, much to Heero’s surprise, opened his mouth and deepened the kiss.

“I love you Duo.”

“I love you Heero.”

The two men embraced again as they walked away in the gentle rain.

Thank you Quatre, for showing us how to live, Duo thought. Duo put an arm around Heero’s waist as they slowly walked out of the dark street, looking for a new hotel to stay at. The rain stopped and gave way to a beautiful night, lit by the moon and filled with stars.