Dante's Prayer

Quatre sat on the edge of the huge bay window that overlooked the road to the Winner Estate. His knees were pulled to his chest and he stared vacantly through the glass. Quatre had been spending a lot of time by himself now that Trowa was gone. To him, the world seemed so empty and uninviting; it sickened him to think of leaving the estate. He had requested that all files be sent to his new office; the room he had converted into an office so he wouldn’t have to leave much.

“Rowa… Can you see me? I miss you so much…” he said softly. In the few months since Trowa had passed away, Quatre had slipped into a severe depression. Today, he it was hitting especially hard. He rarely smiled anymore, his eyes held the blank expression that Trowa’s had usually held, and he never spoke more than a few words at a time. I’ve become like Heero… Quatre joked to himself. A tiny grin crept across his face as he thought of himself wearing Heero’s tank top and spandex shorts, glaring down the barrel of a gun at Duo. Then he realized that even that was gone. Quatre’s whole world had collapsed.

“What happened?” Quatre asked. His voice cracked and faltered as he asked himself the question for the thousandth time. Like always, no one answered him except the tiny voice inside his head; He’s gone… There is no love anymore.

A sudden knock on the door broke Quatre out of his daze. “Master Quatre?” Rasid asked.

“What is it Rasid?” Quatre replied half-heartedly.

“Are you going to be eating with Iraya tonight? She came to visit you. You should see her at least once during her stay,” Rasid told Quatre through the door with a little more condescendence than he meant to use.

“Of course. How rude of me,” Quatre replied without emotion. He uncurled himself and opened the door. Rasid took a double take when he saw how pale and sickly Quatre had become. “Don’t worry about me,” Quatre said when he saw the worried look on Rasid’s face. “I feel fine. I’m just a little tired, that’s all.”

“Yes master Quatre.” Rasid finished his statement with a curt nod and escorted Quatre to one of the smaller dinning rooms where Iraya waited. He added to himself, Get help master. We’re all very worried about you.

Rasid opened the door to the dinning room, towering like a giant over the twenty-one-year-old. Iraya smiled sweetly when the odd-looking pair walked into the room, but her expression faded into subtle sympathy at the sight of her baby brother. “Quatre… You,” she began.

“I know. I look sick. Well, I feel fine. Would you all quite bugging me about it?” Quatre said annoyed. Iraya looked at him with slight shock, then put back on her pleasant look.

“Little brother…” she said with a slight smile, letting her voice drop. “Come, sit. Let’s eat.” She indicated for Quatre to sit and, after he was seated, Iraya slipped over to Rasid. “Rasid, how long has he been like this?” Iraya asked under her breath.

“Ever since that other pilot died. Master Quatre never quite recovered from the shock,” Rasid said lowly. “I haven’t had any luck talking to him. Perhaps you can give it a try,” he asked. “However, this will probably be the only time you’ll see him during your visit,” Rasid warned.

“I’ll try,” Iraya said calmly, nodding. She walked back to the table as Rasid left the room.

Dinner past silently. Quatre moved his food around with his fork, trying to find a pleasing view of his meal, occasionally taking a bite or two of something. The only others that came in were servants, clearing away the dishes. The silence filling the room became unbearable to Iraya. She set her fork down and looked at Quatre. My baby brother, little Quatre… What’s happened to you? she thought worriedly. After a few seconds of tumbling some words through her mind, she spoke. “What is it Quatre? Tell me. What can I do to help?” Quatre ignored her and looked blankly at his plate. He had stopped moving the fork a while ago and just sat completely still.

“Talk to me! This isn’t like you at all! You’re never this rude to a guest, especially family!” she said irately.

This remark pulled Quatre out of his daze and he looked at Iraya. He saw the look in her eyes, sad and worried, yet filled with compassion and love. “Iraya…” Quatre whispered. His eyes focused but then his face wrinkled and he put his head in his hands and cried. Iraya got out of her chair and walked over to her brother, putting her arms around him and stroking his hair.

“Shhh. Shhh. It’s alright. I’m here. Go ahead and cry. Just tell me what’s going on,” Iraya said to comfort her brother. He’s twenty-one, but he feels just like a child in my arms. Like the son I never had, she thought to herself. It was strange, having such an age difference between the two of them. It’s almost like comforting a scared patient.

Quatre shook and stumbled when he tried to stand. Iraya caught him and held him up. “I’ll tell you what’s going on. Take me back to my room,” Quatre stuttered to Iraya.

After Quatre had settled back onto the window ledge, he resumed staring out of the window. Iraya sat quietly on a decorative but simple chair, her hands folded in her lap. She looked questioningly at Quatre and was about to remind him he had promised to talk when he spoke.

“I know, Iraya. I know that I’m not talking. I wish I could really, but I don’t I even understand what’s going on,” he said, growing more and more distant.

“If you can’t do this, you don’t have to. But it appears that it’s fallen on me to be the messenger. Quatre, everyone here wants to know what happened. I must admit, I’m a little curious, but from my time as a doctor, I know that it’s pointless to ask. You’ll only say when you’re ready. But what I really want to do is…” Iraya never finished. Quatre turned his head, interrupting with fury and cutting her off.

“Trowa was my koibito! Did none of you notice?!?” Quatre shouted. His normal calm dissolved away into Zero-system wildness as he jumped up from the windowsill. “And now he’s DEAD! Or did no one notice THAT fact either!”

Iraya stared in shock. She had no idea that Quatre had ever so much as gone after someone, much less have become someone’s lover. She shook her head to clear her face and tried to get her brother back in line. “Quatre, there’s no reason to be so irate with me,” she scolded. “I just asked what as wrong. You didn’t have to tell me. But things are a lot clearer now,” Iraya said, still in shock. She regained her composure and set her mind to helping Quatre get out of his slump. “It’s been three months since he died, though. I know it must be hard but it’s not healthy to sit here inside all the time. You need to get out! To experience life again! You used to love to be around people so much,” Iraya urged.

“Good God Iraya! You sound like a self-help booklet!” Quatre raged. “Do you know how dumb that is? ‘Get out and experience life! Blah blah blah!’” he said mockingly. Iraya had been taken aback by her usually somber brother’s explosion at her, but she let it go.

Patients do this all the time. Intervene if he gets violent. Just remember that Iraya. He’s flipping out. At least you’re getting to him, she reminded herself.

“Three months? I don’t care! Trowa is gone!” Quatre yelled as he threw his arms up in anger. “Wufei is too involved in his justice kick to care, Duo and Heero are God knows where, swooning over each other like retarded children and so I get to be stuck here all alone! No one cares! Everything I knew has disappeared!” Quatre continued to rant, avoiding eye contact with his sister.

Iraya fell silent until Quatre stopped pacing and fell, in tears, to his knees on the floor. She got up from her chair and knelt by her sobbing brother. Once again she took him into her arms and tried to comfort him. “I… I…I’m” he gasped between sobs. “I’m… sorry I yelled… at you… Iraya…” he said. Quatre lost control as he wailed and babbled incoherent sounds into Iraya’s shoulder. After a few moments, Quatre calmed enough to speak again.

“I won’t blow up again. I needed to say that to someone. I loved Trowa. I really did. And I’m mad because I’ll never see… him… again…” Quatre’s voice dropped to a whisper as he spoke, reduced to tears again.

Iraya searched for the right words, not wanting to show her skepticism over Quatre’s feelings and hurt him further. “I understand what you mean. I do. But the important thing now is to realize that he isn’t the only thing you have. You’re only twenty-one. Twenty-one Quatre! You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it by moping around like this!” Iraya said to him, growing slightly more condescending. “What do you want?” she asked plainly.

Quatre looked confusedly at her. “What do I want?” he asked bewildered.

“Yes Quatre. What is it? How can I help you?” Iraya asked more calmly.

“I want to be loved. I want things to be like they were because then he could be here to love me,” Quatre said weakly.

“But you are loved! I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love you!” his sister said. “And what of the rest of the family? They all love you too! Some of them still live here, might I remind you.”

“I know that. I know that you love me. You love me as a brother. Rasid loves me as a son. But that’s all I have. “Family” love. I want something else. Or if I ever had it in the first place,” Quatre said, realizing that he was finally putting together everything that was flying through his head. That’s it. I don’t know if Trowa really did love me… Quatre thought in shock.

Of course he did! He said so didn’t he?

But what if he was delusional? What if he said it to make me feel better? Quatre argued with himself.

You’re just trying to deny it to yourself. Poor you! ‘Nobody loves me! Boo hoo hoo!’

SHUT UP! I don’t know and neither do you! Iraya noticed that Quatre was flinching, like someone was hitting or insulting him. She slowly talked him back to reality.

“Iraya, I’m sorry that I’ve become such a mess,” Quatre apologized, a slight hint of his old self shining through. “I’ll get better. I promise,” he said with a weak smile. I’ll work some. Yeah. Then I’ll get some sleep and then I’ll think about this tomorrow, once I find my sleeping meds, Quatre added to himself. “Thanks for talking to me. I’m going to go and get some work done. I haven’t done much in the last few weeks.”

Iraya looked at Quatre with a questioning stare but decided that he was in no state for argument. “Alright. It was nice to see you again. Even if it wasn’t on the best terms.” She and Quatre stood up, hugged for a few moments and then left the master bedroom. “Quatre, take care of yourself. I know that you’re very depressed, but remember, life goes on. It will be hard, but there are people who love you all around you. Just ask and we’ll be there for you,” Iraya said as they walked.

Stopping outside Quatre’s office, they said good-bye and Quatre receded into the dark room. “Lights,” he commanded. Voice-activated lighting systems lit up his office, revealing the huge stack of documents that had piled up on his desk. My work is never done. Back to the paper war, Quatre thought as he sat down. He picked up the first document, a report on work efficiency of one of the Winner family resource satellites, and started reading.

After several hours, Quatre shut down his computer system, called for the lights to go down, and left his office. He walked quickly back to his room, wanting desperately to find his sleeping pills. Two tonight. I really need some sleep. How many days now? 3 I think… damn, lost count. Oh well, who cares? Quatre thought absently. When he got back to his room, he went straight to the bathroom and found his pills. He took two out, but instead of taking them, he stared at the two pills in his hand. I would never have needed these before. If I had a bad day, Trowa would hold me or rub my back or stroke my hair until I felt better, Quatre reflected. But he never will again. He’s gone… Quatre whimpered, but then said, “No. I can’t keep doing this. I have to get over this. Trowa never liked to see me unhappy. Damn it, I’m gonna get through this.”

Quatre turned and looked at his room, spacious and lavishly decorated. He looked at the huge canopy bed, dressed in red sheets and surrounded by red satin curtains. Quatre’s composure shook as he remembered the last time he and Trowa had been together and had slept in that bed. He filled a small cup with water, stripped off his day clothes, put on a pair of light cotton pants, and walked down the hall to an empty guestroom. There he downed the pills, slipped into the bed and closed his eyes. Sleep overtook him very quickly as he lay still, trying to keep all thought out of his head.

While Quatre slept, he dreamt of a warrior with the strength of a lion and the grace of an eagle. Bright green eyes shined out from under a decorative metal helmet as Quatre stared at the figure. It seemed that the warrior was fighting, fighting to defend his life. As the warrior fell, Quatre rushed forward to catch the solider, who appeared to only be his age. But the scene changed suddenly and he now held Trowa in his arms, just like when he had died.

* * *

“Ai shiteru Trowa. I love you forever…”

Quatre looked up at the window above Trowa’s bed and saw the sun come lifting above the horizon. “Look! The sun!” Quatre exclaimed.

“Just like the sunrises we used to watch,” Trowa said, looking hazily out the window. He turned and looked Quatre straight in the eye and gave him one of those special looks that no one else ever received. Quatre saw the smile and leaned down to kiss Trowa. “I love you too little one,” Trowa said. His breathing became erratic and closed his eyes, whispering, “Dante’s prayer, my angel,” into Quatre’s ear.

Trowa’s breathing stopped suddenly and Quatre looked up in fear. “Trowa? TROWA! NO!!!” Quatre yelled, but in his mind he knew that it was over. He turned his face to the sky, tears streaming from his eyes, but then lowered his face one last time to Trowa’s. “It’s over, love. Just let go,” he choked out.

Trowa drew one more shallow breath, then exhaled and was still.

* * *

“Rowa… I… no…” Quatre muttered in his sleep. He lay perfectly still, holding a pillow in his arms, uttering sounds to it as he dreamt. In Quatre’s dream, he could still see Trowa’s face, eyes closed but lips moving. It seemed that Trowa was only saying one thing to him, “I love you too little one. Dante’s prayer, my angel. Dante’s Prayer…” over and over again. Quatre felt himself begin crying as he shifted out of sleep and back into the waking world. He held the pillow in his arms and wept softly into it, trying to get back into his dream. Knowing that his dream was gone, he relinquished his grasp on the pillow and lied in silence, only hearing the words “Dante’s Prayer” that floated through his head. He suddenly began to wonder what Trowa had meant. Quatre sat up as he thought more about it. Dante’s prayer… Trowa never was the religious type, so I doubt it’s a real prayer. But who knows, death has a tendency to mess with you… I wonder what it means…

Quatre got out of the bed he was in, slipped quietly down the hall and back into his own room. He dressed and walked down into the small dinning room he had been in the evening before, only to find Rasid and Iraya talking in hushed tones. When they saw him, they stopped talking and greeted him with a smile.

“Ah, master Quatre! I understand you finally got some sleep. I’m glad to hear it. You look better,” Rasid said politely.

“Dear little brother, I’m sorry that I wasn’t more comforting yesterday,” Iraya told him.

“Yeah, well, I’m feeling much better today. I’d like some breakfast and then I’m going to start working,” Quatre replied, cheer creeping its way back into his voice.

“Um, master Quatre, your sister and I have decided that it would be in your best interest that you take some time off. You should leave this house for a while. Iraya suggested that you go find your former comrades and stay with them for a while. It sounds like a good idea to me. Being in this state of depression won’t be good for your work,” Rasid told Quatre.

“Alright, I’ll go. But I’ll decide where I go and who I stay with. I trust that one of my many sisters will handle business while I’m away,” Quatre informed the two.

“Of course. When will you leave?” Iraya asked.

“Today. If I must go, then I wish to leave now. I don’t know how long I will be gone either, but it will be quite a while. I’m going on a mission, if you will. I realize that I have unfinished business and I’m going to solve it,” Quatre said. He got a look of determination and sat at the table, waiting for something to eat.

“What might this ‘mission’ be master Quatre?” Rasid asked.

“Do you have any idea what Dante’s Prayer is?” Quatre asked suddenly.

“No I don’t,” Rasid replied surprised.

“Good. Neither do I…” Quatre said, digging into the food that was brought to him then.

Rasid looked confused, but then walked away, ordering that Quatre’s bags be packed for a long trip. Quatre stopped him and told him not to worry. “I can pack for myself.” He smiled and walked out of the dinning room.

“Thank God he’s getting out of this house. He’s going mad,” Iraya said to Rasid who nodded in reply.

By early afternoon, Quatre had packed a suitcase or clothing, had his important personal belongings stuffed into a duffel bag, and was ready to set out on a long journey. Quatre decided that if there was any way to find out information about his new target, he would go to the one person who knew the most about hunting things down: Heero. A week or two with them might be nice. Duo’s good at cheering people up. Hell, Heero was smiling when I called him, Quatre thought. He laughed inwardly when he recalled the expression on Heero’s face. Smiling… Next Duo will have him wearing a dress and cleaning the house! Quatre added sarcastically.

Quatre made his way through the crowded spaceport and checked in at the gate he was set to leave from. The world… I hate being outside. The only reason I could leave before was because Trowa was there to keep me company, Quatre thought as he looked around the spaceport. The people were bustling about, trying to get to wherever they were going, oblivious of one another. Is this what we fought for? So people could ignore each other? What a waste… Quatre thought grimly. Finally, boarding was called and Quatre climbed onto the shuttle, ready for departure to L2. I’ll solve this mystery yet. Surly Heero can help me.

*Ding-dong* rang the doorbell. Duo jumped up and ran to go answer it. The small two-bedroom house that he and Heero had bought was just enough space for them and one guest. Too bad Trowa’s not around anymore. Although three people are easier to handle than four, Dou thought absently. He instantly kicked himself for thinking it. When he pulled open the door, there was a young, blond-haired, blue-eyed boy standing before him, staring up into his eyes with a bright smile. “Quatre! You’re here already!” Duo said in shock. “Come on in! Sorry the place is such a mess,” Duo apologized, looking around the house. He started to pick up things and move them into place as he walked. “Your room is down here. The bathroom is right around the corner. And since we’ve all lived together before, don’t hesitate to complain if something’s wrong!” Duo said energetically. “Heero’s at work but he should be home soon.”

“So you and Heero finally got together,” Quatre said softly.

“Yep! And it’s the best thing that’s happened to either of us. I’ve never seen Heero so happy before,” Duo said merrily. Then he realized that it probably wasn’t the best subject to be discussing with Quatre. “Oh, uh, sorry man.” Duo’s faces dropped when he saw that Quatre had lowered his head. Shit, need to get him out of this. But how? Duo asked himself. He did the only thing he could think of: he poked Quatre in the ribs. Quatre squeaked and jumped. “Smile Q! It’s not like you to be down,” Duo teased Quatre.

“Don’t do that!” Quatre scolded, smiling. “But it’s good to see you Duo.” Quatre threw his arms around Duo and hugged him for a moment.

“Hey now! If Heero catches you, he’ll beat you into pulp!” Duo joked.

“Oh, is his favorite phrase still ‘Omae wa korosu?’” Quatre asked mockingly.

“Nope! Now it’s, ‘Kiss me you fool!’” Duo replied, laughing.

“I see… Well, I’m going to unpack my stuff. And Duo, make some tea. I want to hear all about what you’ve been up to,” Quatre said as he dropped his suitcase on his new bed.

Duo and Quatre sat in the kitchen, sipping tea and chatting away about the many things that had happened during the last six years. Duo had become a local performer, Quatre discovered, both vocally and comedically. After a few hours, Heero came home and greeted Quatre. “Hey there Quatre. It’s good to see you again.” He pulled Quatre into a hug before turning his attention to Duo. Quatre was stunned by Heero’s friendly behavior. He’s smiling. On his own accord. And he’s wearing REAL clothes! Way to go Duo! Quatre thought.

“And you there my little vixen…” He walked over to Duo and put one arm around his waist, pulling him close and looking deep into Duo’s eyes. Duo struck a dramatic pose and put the back of his right hand on his forehead. Quatre laughed at their behavior, noting that Heero was actually being melodramatic for once.

The apocalypse must be coming. Heero’s acting romantic… Quatre thought sarcastically. “Should I leave you two alone for a few minutes?” Quatre asked politely.

“A few minutes? That’s more than HE needs,” Duo teased Heero with mock ridicule.

“What? Wanna put that to a challenge?” Heero asked smiling.

“Not tonight baka! We have company,” Duo reminded. They gave each other sly seductive looks before Duo decided Heero better settle for a kiss, cleared the table and went into the kitchen.

“That was, um… interesting,” Quatre said, surprise running through his voice.

“Yeah, I have to admit. I don’t know what came over me. I just thought I’d try to be a little… dramatic tonight!” Heero said laughing.

“You’ve certainly changed. It’s good to see everyone else is so happy,” Quatre said sadly.

“Hey, buck up,” Heero said somberly. As he smiled at Quatre, Duo yelled for Heero to help him in the kitchen. “My work is never done,” he muttered to Quatre, rolling his eyes. “Coming Duo!”

The three former pilots sat around in the living room, drinking wine and eating tira misu. Duo was curled comfortable under Heero’s arm on the couch, swirling his glass, eyes closed. Quatre was sitting across from them, indulging in the dessert the Duo had prepared. “When did you learn to cook like this?” Quatre asked. He had actually eaten everything that Duo had made for dinner.

“Oh, a few years ago. Hilde insisted that if I wanted to live with her that I had to cook. And clean. And take care of the finances. And…” Duo rambled until Heero put his fingers over his lips to silence him. Duo had had a little more to drink than he usually did and it was starting to get to him.

“Quatre, I know that you’re here to search for something. What is it?” Heero asked.

“Right before Trowa died he whispered something to me. Something about Dante’s Prayer,” he said.

“Dante’s Prayer huh? I’ve never heard of it. Is it a religious thing?” Heero asked.

“It’s not Christian. Father Maxwell never mentioned it once,” Duo said, putting in his two cents.

“No, Trowa never was the religious type,” Quatre replied.

“What makes you think of it now?” Heero asked.

“Last night I had a dream. I was holding Trowa as he was dying just like on that day, when he whispered to remember Dante’s Prayer. I know it must mean something but I can’t figure it out,” Quatre told Heero.

“Well, it’s been a while, but I think I can still hack into any file system that I need to,” Heero reassured Quatre.

“I don’t need a hacking expert. I just thought you might be able to point me in the right direction and give me access to a more powerful computer,” Quatre responded.

“Follow me. I’ll show you my system. It’s one of the best around. I got it from work” Heero said as he gentle moved a now sleeping Duo off his lap and stood

“Duo tells me you work as a computer programmer now,” Quatre said, following suit. He stretched, put down the glass dish, and picked up his wineglass.

“Yeah. Ever since I left Relena I found the need for a real job other than obedient servant to an over-bearing monarch,” Heero quipped. He strolled out of the room and down the hall as he talked. “Here we are.” Heero stopped walking as he indicated to a closed door. He opened the door and walked into the room, brining up the lights and turning on the computer.

Quatre stared in awe at the load of equipment that was placed around the small monitor. It looked like Heero had pieced it together from his old laptop from the war. Heero’s hand flew over the keys as he typed in passwords and activated search programs.

“Here Quatre. With this program, just type in what you’re looking for here and where you want to search here. With the exception of secret government archives, you can access anything you want,” Heero said as he pointed to the screen. He moved aside and pulled up a chair for Quatre to sit in. “And if you do get desperate enough to look into a government system, just ask me and I’ll get you there,” he winked.

“Arigato Heero,” Quatre said as he began his search. He was soon very involved in his work, so much so that he didn’t notice when Heero left the room and shut the door.

Quatre stayed with Heero and Duo for a month, working during the night and when neither was home, being a good guest and chatting when they were around. He and Duo would go out shopping, cook, or just sit around and share stories. Sometimes the three of them would go out and eat a real meal somewhere, or they would play cards and talk. Quatre began to recover from his depression, realizing that people really did love him. He also saw that people loved each other. The real reason they had fought. But he never solved the puzzle of Dante’s Prayer.

Information would show up every now and then about a historically significant Dante or some kind of famous prayer, but nothing about a Dante’s Prayer. Quatre finally decided that it was time to expand his search.

“Duo, you’ve been very supportive of me this last month,” Quatre thanked Duo one night while helping him clean the dishes.

“Hey, no problem. Hand me that towel would ya?”

“Uh, here.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyway, I wanted to say that even though you and Heero have been really good to me, it’s time that I leave. I haven’t found anything that might help me solve this riddle. I’ve decided that I should go and explore the galaxy. I’m going on a pilgrimage, if you will,” Quatre said calmly.

Duo’s eyes grew to the size of the plate he just about dropped as he stared at Quatre. “Hey man, are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes. My sister can handle the business like they have for the last month and I can search without worrying about taking up space.”

“You’re not a burden on us, if that’s what you think,” Duo said, trying to reassure Quatre.

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about comforting me. You’ve already done that. I can finally sleep without medication now. Thanks for that. But you and Heero obviously need an empty house.”

Duo blushed as he thought about what Quatre was implying. “Uh yeah, that would be nice…” he said sheepishly. “But that doesn’t mean you have to leave yet!” Duo told Quatre, regaining his composure.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll leave tomorrow. I already have the flight set. I’ll do some more searching tonight, but then I’ll be off tomorrow. Thank you for everything Duo,” Quatre finished. He and Duo finished the dishes and then Quatre turned on the computer. Heero had given him the passwords long ago and he could use the system almost as well as the Perfect Solider himself.

The next morning, Duo awoke to find the house empty. Quatre had left already. “He knew I was going to try and stop him,” Duo said as he smiled. “Good luck Quatre.” He was taken in by a pair of strong arms.

“We have the house to ourselves again…” Heero whispered into Duo’s ear.

“Not now Heero. You go to work and we’ll see how you act during dinner,” Duo smiled. Heero groaned, knowing that Duo was going to cook something he hated just to see the reaction. You’re a smart one Duo.

Quatre spent a full year traveling the colonies, going from one place to the next before finally settling down on L3.

Trowa’s home… Quatre reminded himself thoughtfully. This is the last place I thought to look. Hopefully, it’s the right one.

Quatre got a hotel room and unpacked. While wandering through the main commercial district of the colony, he learned that the circus was arriving soon. Maybe Cathrine knows something. If she’ll talk to me.

The circus arrived three days later. Quatre bought a ticket as soon as he could and waited until Cathrine’s big act was over. He knew that she wouldn’t want to see him, but he didn’t care right then. He was hoping that Cathrine could give him the answer that he was sick of looking for. When the big tent was closed for the night, he went around the back to Cathrine’s dressing room. He knocked softly on the door and waited for her to answer.

“Who is it?” she called.

“It’s me. Quatre,” he replied.

Silence was the first response. Then she asked angrily, “What do you want?”

“I need to ask you something. I want to know if you know anything about Dante’s Prayer,” Quatre said.

She opened the door and stuck her head out, looking at him with a hard face. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Are you sure? I figured Trowa’s own sister would have known something.”

“Trowa?” she asked shocked. “What about him?”

“Right before he died, he told me about Dante’s Prayer. I don’t know what it was, but I’ve spent the last year trying to figure that out. You’re my last hope Cathrine.”

She grinned wickedly at Quatre. “So I’m your last hope huh? Funny. Now that you’re stolen my brother away and killed him, you want MY help? Yeah right.”

“Cathrine. I thought you understood. It wasn’t my fault that Trowa was in the war. And his death was an accident! There was nothing I could have done. But if you don’t want to help me, fine, I’ll leave. Good-bye Cathrine.” Bitch, he thought to himself.

Cathrine hung her head, knowing that she had said the wrong thing. I know that it wasn’t your fault. Alright, I’ll help. “Quatre, wait. I think I might know what you’re looking for.” Quatre stopped in his tracks and turned to stare at her. “Trowa had a box where he kept all of his very important private things. After he died, I never looked in it because I couldn’t handle the pain. I hid it under the lion’s cart. I thought it fitting that it stayed with the animals he like most. I’ll take you.” She closed the door and stepped out, wearing a white robe. She led Quatre through the circus grounds, taking him to the animal area. She slid under the lion cage and Quatre heard something fall, then Cathrine came back into view, holding a long metal box. “Take it. I know that he loved you. Trowa would have wanted you to have it.” Because he left me, his only sister for you, she added spitefully.

“Thank you Cathrine.” Quatre turned to leave, then stopped and asked, “Cathrine, do you still have Trowa’s mask?”

“Yes, but that’s the one thing I’m not giving away. It’s all I have to remember him by,” she said bitterly. “Now go. And please Quatre, don’t come back. It’s too much of a reminder that Trowa’s really gone.” Cathrine walked abruptly past Quatre and disappeared from sight.

Quatre rubbed a towel through his hair one more time to try and get more of the water out. The shower had helped calm his frazzled nerves after his encounter with Cathrine earlier that evening. He set the box down on the bed and opened it carefully, as if he was afraid that it might break and crumble to dust before he could finish his year-long quest. When he looked inside the box, his heart jumped. The first thing inside was a beautiful flute. This was mine! He must have taken it that first time I met him. Funny, I never noticed it was gone. Then again, I never really cared that it was there in the first place, Quatre thought. He took the flute out of the box and clutched it to his heart. Not putting the flute down, he sifted through the box, finding old pictures of the guys during the war, articles about the results of his battles, snippets of missions, some trinkets he had picked up. Quatre blushed when he pulled out a laminated rose petal framed picture of himself. He was touched by the care that must have gone into making the item. Also, he found a picture of Trowa with Cathrine, looking quite happy and at peace. There was a picture of HeavyArms too, very tattered and worn. Quatre had looked through just about everything in the box when he found two envelopes. One was addressed to Cathrine and the other to him.

Setting down the flute, he opened the envelope. He noticed that it was a little thicker than he had expected. Inside was a letter, dated the day before Trowa had left to see Quatre for the last time. Quatre looked at it wide-eyed and read it aloud to himself as to not miss anything that might be in it.

“Dearest Quatre. I hope that this letter will never need to be sent. You have helped me more than any other person ever has. You showed me what love was and what it was like to be loved. In turn, I learned to give love to another. I know we’ve never said it, but something like this can’t go unspoken. I love you Quatre. I always have. I intend to tell you this when I next see you, but in case I can’t say the words, this will have to do. You showed me strength that only in my dreams can I hope to match. I’m glad you took the first step in our life together; I was too weak to do it. But now we are together. I will never leave you Quatre. That much I swear. Words can’t truly convey what I wish to say to you. But in the end, I have found something that comes close. There is a song from late 20th century Earth called ‘Dante’s Prayer,’” Quatre jumped up while he continued to read, knowing that his search had come to an end, “That tells of what I feel. I have enclosed the music in this letter. I hope to see you soon. Love, Trowa.”

Quatre cried. His tears ran down his face as he set the letter down, knowing that his search was over. He knew he would never have to think twice if Trowa ever really had loved him. He also knew that Trowa’s heart was always his and that his love would be watching him from wherever he was. Quatre then noticed there was something else at the end of the letter. P.S. If something should happen and neither I nor this letter ever reach you while I live, you must have found the letter to Cathrine too. If she has not read it, please read it and give it to her. Thank you little one.

Quatre ignored the last line for the moment and grabbed the folded sheets out of the envelope. It was sheet music with lyrics on it, written in Trowa’s handwriting, so Quatre knew that Trowa had rewritten it himself. He looked over the words, noticing that they were in English, and read. He read the song over and over again, wondering what the song would sound like. He called the first musician that came to his mind: Duo.

“Duo! I found it! I found Dante’s Prayer!” he shouted excitedly at the sleepy looking man on the viewphone.

Duo’s eyes shot open when the words finally registered in his mind. “Really?! What is it?”

“It’s a song. I know that this is going to sound a little strange, but if I send you a copy, will you learn it and sing it for me?” Quatre asked timidly.

“Of course little buddy! Just send it over,” Duo replied happily.

Quatre was relieved to hear that Duo was actually going to do it. Then a thought crossed his mind. “Duo, you can read English right?”

Duo gave him a What-am-I-stupid look in response.

“Thought so. I’ll send you the music right away.”

Quatre picked up the second envelope and read the letter, to himself this time:

Dearest Cathrine. I am writing this letter because I know my words no longer console you. I know that you think Quatre is to blame for taking me to the war. But this is not true. I joined the war because it was the only life I knew. I went back because I had to protect the people I love. I had to protect you. Never doubt that I love you. You are my only sister, I could never forget you. Please, don't blame Quatre. It's not his fault. Love, Trowa.

Quatre promptly sent the letter off to Cathrine after faxing the music to Duo. When Cathrine received the message, she broke down and cried.

You're right Trowa. It isn't Quatre's fault. Forgive me...

Two days later, Quatre knocked on the door to Heero and Duo’s house. Duo showed him in, smiling brightly. “Sit down! I think I’ve got it. Here it goes,” Duo said. He breathed deeply, closed his eyes, and began:

“When the dark wood fell before me,
And all the paths were overgrown.
When the priests of pride say there is no other way,
I tilled the sorrows of stone.

I did not believe because I could not see,
Though you came to me in the night.
When the dawn seemed forever lost,
You showed your love in the light of the stars.

Cast your eyes on the ocean,
Cast your soul to the sea,
When the dark night seems endless,
Please remember me.

Then the mountain rose before me,
By the deep well of desire.
From the fountain of forgiveness,
Beyond the ice and the fire.

Cast your eyes on the ocean,
Cast your soul to the sea,
When the dark night seems endless,
Please remember me.

We share this humble path, alone,
How fragile is the heart?
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly,
To touch the face of the stars!

Breath life into this feeble heart,
Lift this mortal veil of fear.
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears,
We’ll rise above these earthly cares.

Cast your eyes on the ocean,
Cast your soul to the sea,
When the dark night seems endless,
Please remember me.

Please remember me.

Please remember me.”

Quatre lifted his tear-filled eyes to Duo. “Thank you. Thank you so much! Arigato gozaimashte!” he wept.

“No problem,” Duo said as he hugged Quatre. “It’s obvious that he really loved you. Just like the rest of us.”

No, Trowa loved me far differently from the rest of you. But thank you… He really did love me. And I will do as he asks, Quatre decided. I must live… for him. He would never want to see me sad. You helped me be happy. You gave me strength because you loved me. You always will. I will live with your memory in my heart Trowa. I will remember you…

“Stay here tonight. You don’t have to go back yet. You have time. Heero would love to see you again,” Duo encouraged.

“Of course Duo, I’d love to stay. I have my whole life ahead of me.” Quatre smiled brightly at Duo, his happiness filling the room.