If I only knew
I woke up today at my parents house and looked out of the window and realized that over the night the first real snow had come this winter. It was white everywhere and everything looked to peaceful and perfect, so pure… I lay in my bed for a while and just listened.. Listened to silence.. Somehow I felt like a child again, I felt protected, safe and loved…. Funny though, there was no one there in my room to protect me and show me love, but it was just that old feeling of harmony..
And then I thought for a while.. My ed was kind of a wish to stop the time. I was terrified of growing up. I feared it like it was the end of the world. I was so scared of having to take care of myself (funny though, I’ve always been a mature child and able to take care of myself). I wanted things to remain the way they were, me living at home, my parents around me making sure that I was safe… Somewhere between the ed and today I’ve grown up. I’ve become an adult, and it’s not as dangerous and awful as I thought. I realize now that I can always go back to that feeling I had as a child. I can go home and lay in my old bed. I can listen to the silence. I can receive hugs from my parents. I can ask for help, advices.. Being adult does not mean being alone in the world.. But being an adult also means being able to take care of yourself and provide for yourself the safety you need…..
Living with the ed I see now that I wasn’t afraid of not being loved, the hate I felt towards myself was so intense that you have to look long to find someone that can offer you so much hate and so little love.. I guees I was afraid of being loved…. It’s costs you more to be loved, that to hate… When you feel love, you’ve got nothing to lose. When you have love, you may end up being broken… But if you never take the chance you’ll always end up being broken..
I was so afraid of letting go of the ed, because without the ed, who am I then? I feared that I would have nothing of value. That I would be worthless.. I didn’t realize then that I’ve been hiding my uniqueness all the time… I guees it’s not being a “nothing” that fears me, because that doesn’t cost you anything.. It’s being “something” that scared me, because then people will notice you. People will like or dislike you.. But I realize being something is more fun than being nothing….
And suddenly something hits me.. I was afraid that people wouldn’t love me if I didn’t have the perfect body. But what then, if I had the perfect body while living with the ed.. Then people would love me, then would love the eating disordered me, and I would feel loved at all.. Maybe not everyone would love me when I have a “normal” body, but I don’t care… Then the few people that loves me, will love me because I am me, and I will be able to feel that love…
It’s better to be loved by one person and living a recovered life, than to be looked up to because of a sickness….
In ways this has been the worst schoolyear in my life… I’ve been dealing with homesickness, loneliness, recovery etc… But somewhere between all those feelings I guees I’ve found myself and I feel ready for the world.. I see that all roads are open and I can go wherever I want to go. In a way it scares me because I can’t even figure out what to do next year, but the future is bright and my heart is filled with love…
If this what recovery is like, I don’t regret choosing that road…. The road of life….
Back home
Email: lillebie@europe.com
