for they are sticking to their diets. 
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges but eventually you find a hairstylist you like. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They put them down somewhere and forget where they left them. One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese. I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're cheese or wine. The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards? Author: Unknown 
Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." "Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat." You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die." The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my Idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?" Author: Unknown Great Cooking at Steph's Country Kitchen Goodness click here
we had to have cereal, eggs and toast. When other kids had snack cakes & cola for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches and soup. And you can guess what mom fixed us for dinner, it was different from what the other kids had too. Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You would think we were convicts in prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less. We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do. She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds. Then life was really tough! Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. Mom would make them come to the door, so she could meet them. When everyone else was dating at 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 18. Because of our mom, we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. It was all her fault that we never took up smoking, drinking or staying up all night. We have never been caught shoplifting, vandalizing or ever got arrested for any crime like alot of other kids we knew. Sundays were reserved for church. We knew better than to ask to spend the night with a friend on Saturdays. Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest adults. Now that we are parents, we are doing are best to be mean parents just like Mom is. I think this is what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore.
try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?" Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page. Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. (And the last one is terribly familiar) * You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.*
I have two mounds upon my bodice I shave my legs, I sit down to pee I can justify any shopping spree Not to a barber, but a beauty salon Can get a massage without a hard on Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass I always save money by using coupons Can admit to others when I am wrong Don't drive in circles at any cost So I don't have to admit when I am lost Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon Everytime I go to the john I spend two hours preparing for a date Only to find you're two hours late I don't watch movies with lots of gore Don't need instant replay to remember the score I won't lose my hair I don't get jock itch And just cause I'm assertive Don't call me a bitch I don't wear the same underwear everyday The food in my fridge has no sign of decay I don't go to Sears - To look at the tools I don't cheat at poker - I follow the rules I don't smoke cigars Don't pay for drinks at bars I don't punch my friends just to say Hi And it's OK for me to cry I know all you men Think that you're IT But compared to a woman You just ain't SHIT! Author: Unknown
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