"Nicky, I'm gonna go take a shower." ManDUH said and walked out of the room. "Ciati?" Nick called my name but I ignored him, picking up a magazine and started reading it. "Ciati?" He said again and of course, I ignored him. "CIATI!" He yelled and grabbed my wrist. I winced in pain. Nick's face softened and he looked at me "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I'll kiss it and make it better." He joked and turned my wrist around. "Ciati...what the hell is this?!?!" I finally looked up "Oh shit." I mumbled. "What the hell is this?!?!" Nick yelled. I could tell he was getting mad. "Nothing Nick. It's nothing so just mind your own business." Nick scoffed "Nothing? NOTHING?? It looks to me like you're cutting yourself and that isn't NOTHING! That's SOMETHING dammit!" I started crying. "Shut the hell up Nickl! You can't sit there and yell at me when you don't know what I go through. I have too much pain in my life and this helps take the pain away. So just shut up and leave me alone, you wouldn't understand." I stood up and walked up the stairs. "We are NOT done!" He yelled running after me.
I ran into my room and locked the door. He came up and started banging "CIATI!! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS!!" "NO GO AWAY!" He stopped banging and it was quiet. I looked up from the pillow that I had stuffed my face in while I cried. Was he gone? I heard a little click and then the door opened revealing Nick holding a key. "Nick, go away. I don't want to talk to you." Nick came up and sat behind me on the bed. "Ci, we need to talk about this. This is serious. Why are you doing this?" I continued crying. "Nick, it's just not fair. My life isn't fair. My parents kicked me and my brother out so we had to deal with everything ourselves, my best friend doesn't even talk to me anymore, no one likes me, i hate school, I'm fat, I'm ugly. Take your pick. I was too hurt to deal with anything. Cutting myself took the pain away cause it got me to concentrate on other things. I just can't help it." I continued crying. "Ci, no one's life is fair. Sure, your parents kicked you out, but look how far you've gotten. And as for no one liking you, that's wrong because I know at least 8 people who like you and those are the ones here, who knows how many you have at your house. and you are NOT fat, you're beautiful Ci, you just have to keep telling yourself that."
I sat up and looked at him. "But it's just so hard." He pulled me into his arms and rocked me back and forth "Shh. I know it is but promise me one thing. Promise me Ci, that you won't cut yourself again. No matter how hard it gets, please tell me you won't cut yourself again. You have too many people who love you to do that." I sniffled and then nodded "I promise Nick, I won't cut myself again." "You don't know how good it sounds to hear that Ci." We stayed in that position for who knows how long until ManDUH walked in. "What the hell are you doing Nick?" We both looked up and he let go of me. "Mandy. It's nothing. She just needed a shoulder to lean on." ManDUH glared at me "Well, that better be all." "It is I promise. Mandy, can we cancel our plans for today. I was thinking of doing something with Ciati today." "What/!?! Nick! We were supposed to go to a movie today." ManDUH whined. "Hey you guys, go. Don't worry about me."
"See Nick. Now lets go." Nick looked at me "Are you sure?" I smiled a fake smile "Of course, have fun." "Ok well, then we'll see you later." "Ok Nick." He got up and him and ManDUH left. Good, now I can do what I was planning on doing. I hopped off the bed and ran down the stairs looking in Nick's medicine cabinet for some pills. I finally found some and headed up to my room. I stared at the pills. This was the most drastic thing that I was ever going to do.
When I was in 8th grade my mom had gotten me that one journal thing. Called "Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul Journal" and I used to write in it all the time. I can still remember one of the questions. It was "Have you ever thought of commiting suicide?" The answer I wrote was so simple but so meaningful, I wrote, "Of course, who hasn't?"
Paige and I sat in band listening to our stupid band teacher ramble on and on. Never giving up. He'd sit there and lecture us for hours but of course no one really listened. We just pretended to listen. "God, he is soo boring!" Paige said to me and I of course nodded. "I know. Can we play anytime soon??" We laughed quietly and just sat talking.
"I hate my life" Paige said suddenly. I could tell she was joking and I laughed and said "I hate my life too." She smiled "Woo hoo, we both hate our lives. Give me five." She stuck out her hand and I slapped it. We laughed and then continued listening to Mr. Rupp ramble on.
If only I had known that what I said to Paige that day was true. I had never really liked my life. To me, life was all one big game. You either win, or you lose, you can never be in between. In my case, I lost. I reached for the pills and picked up my sticky note and stuck it to my head. "Well, here goes nothing." I sighed and swallowed as many pills possible and then weakly fell to the ground.
*NICK*
"Brian. She cuts herself." "What do you mean?" "Ciati, she cuts herself man. I just dropped Mandy off because Ciati told us to go out and have fun. But something doesn't seem right ya know?? I just have this bad feeling." "Well, then go home and find out." "That's what I"m doing. Well, I gotta go, see ya later Rok." "Bye Nick." I hung up my cell phone and parked in my garage. I walked into the house. Everything seemed normal. "CIATI??" I yelled but there was no answer. I headed up the stairs and towards her room.
I knocked on the door. "Ciati?" Still no answer. Thinking she fell asleep after all the crying she had done, I walked into the room. I couldn't find her anywhere. I walked into the bathroom and when I saw her, my heart stopped beating. There she was laying on the ground with a note stuck to her head. I walked over and picked up the note, reading it.
Nick~
I'm sorry but I had to do this. I know that I promised you I wouldn't cut myself, I just had to end my life. It wasn't worth living ya know? Thank you so much for listening to me. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for just being my friend. I love you Nicky. Even though I've only known you for a few short months I feel I have known you my whole life. While I'm in heaven, I shall shine down on you. I'll even request to be your gaurdian angel. And if the job is taken, well, I'll show her! Thanks so much Nick.
All my love,
*Ciati*
I started crying right then and there. "Why Ciati? Why?" I looked down and then noticed something. Her chest was slowly going up and down. I quickly searched for a pulse and found a very very faint one. Happy that there might still be a chance, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. The paramedics arrived shortly after and carried her on a stretcher to the ambulance. I followed. "Come on Ci, you can make it. I know you , you're strong." I kept saying over and over...trying to convince myself it was true.
