Welcome to the Planet Cobblers E-zine, the place to find a more satirical look at all aspects of claret-and-white world. If it involves hopefully non-libellous humour, "amusing" captions and a sideways look at Sixfields life - it's E-zine.
Overheard when the Brummie Pensioners made their annual coach trip to Wembley in May 1999...
Ian Atkins: Right lads, we're here again. Now, did everyboday remember to git off the boos?
To be continued...
Kevin Wilson: Yis boss, the lads are all here - although big Gayley seems to have suffered a bit on the way down the motorway - he looks a shadow of his former self.
IA: Nonsense Kiv, yow do not seem to realoise thit footballers get better and better the older they get - woi do yow think Stinley Matthews was as good as he was at 53?
Ian Clarkson: But boss, that Moichael Awen is quoite useful ain't he? And he's only 19.
IA: Roobish Clarkay. If oi went around thinking like that we'd have bloody Andy Morrow in the side - he's 15 years off maturitay in footballing terms. Thankfullay Villa are silly enough to want to take him off our hands. We'll probably take him back when he's 36. He'll be really good then.
Dean Peer: 'Scuse me boss, but are you actually completely totally sure I'm meant to be here. Some of the others said my name had been taken off the list for this trip.
IA: Deano that is roobish. Everyone at this football club recognises you for your fantastic artistray and creativitay. You were the first name in my moind for the coach.
John Frain: Oi don't want to alarm anyone but have yows all noticed the lack of Cobblers supporters here at Wemblay today?
IA: Bloody typical of the fans - they don't appreciate what they have got. Oi'm particularly disappointed at the fans' no show as now I'll have no one to blame when we lose.
JF: You don't think it's got anything to do with the fact that we finished 22nd this year then boss? Technicallay that does not give us a place in the Play Off final.
IA: That is roobish John. How many toimes must oi explain that extra points are earned by losing 0-1 or drawing 0-0. We are clear winners and I'm surprised so many other teams ruined their chances of being here by playing expansive, passing football throughout the season.
All except IA:Yis boss.
Max Griggs: Right Brian, have you completed all the signings from Sixfields?
Brian Talbot: Yes chief, we've got the lot - the ball boys, the tea lady, the bloke that kicks the clock every time it stops, we've got the lot.
MG: And all for...
BT: ...an undisclosed fee! (They both laugh)
BT: No really boss, I think we've signed everybody we need to finally get our village team into the league.
MG (still smiling, through gritted teeth): Except a ******* manager, you useless ****.
Sunday: It's always nice to hear news of a job well done. Received a phone call from Christian Lee while I polished my crystal ball this morning. He wanted to thank me for my faith-healing work on his injury. Said it had made all the difference to his 20-minute Gillingham career. There was a trace of irony in his voice but I didn't quite understand why. I told him if he needed any help at Peterborough I'd always be just a phone call away. He hung up - must be in a real hurry to sign for fat Barry!
Monday: Ali Gibb came into my office today. Hopefully I can help him with his game. I asked him to show me where it goes wrong on the pitch but it took us nearly three hours to get through the corridors as he seemed unwilling to go past me at each set of double doors. He seemed much happier keeping out of the way and hanging around in the corner.
Tuesday: Some of the players asked me to have a word with the manager, Mr Atkins, to see if I can do anything to help him chill out. Apparently they are concerned about his stress levels. I think our session went well. Dropped into the reserve game this evening and it seems to have done him the world of good. He was leaping around the dugout, I think in a dance of joy and shouting his praise for his side so hard the veins stood out on his neck. Ian must want a second session as he indicated the number two to me when I enquired if he was feeling any calmer.
Wednesday:Tried to perk up Steve McGavin and Simon Sturridge, who seem a little low about not getting first team opportunities since signing in the summer. Told them to think positively and remember that David Seal bashed in four goals in one reserve game last season and that they should try something similar to escape the stiffs. Steve pointed out that Seal never played for the club again. Made a note to think things through more in future as they headed for the pub in a depressed manner.
Thursday:Helped the stadium manager put 28 coats of paint on the sponsored car that is used for the half-time kick-ins. Apparently we have to do all we can to stop anyone else winning the money.
Friday: Steve Howard popped in for a chat to lift his confidence after the fans got on his back at Chester. I told him I thought he was fantastic in Up Pompei.
Saturday:Oooh, match day again, I always get very nervous but I was kept busy today. Kevin Wilson asked me to use my crystal ball to try to track down his missing moustache. No luck I'm afraid. Didn't catch the score but it must have gone well for the lads. As I left the ground I could hear the fans chanting 'Atkins Out' at the top of their voices. Clearly they wanted him back outside to take a bow and receive their applause for his fantastic efforts.
Rumours abound of a boardroom bust-up at Sixfields - over a stolen choc-chip cookie.
Matters came to a head three weeks ago when director Tony Clarke MP finally lost his rag and accused boss Ian Atkins of stealing all the boardroom biscuits. "It's definitely his fault. Two years ago there were always plenty of cookies in the barrel, plus a few hob-nobs, bourbons and custard creams. But all last season there were barely a few crumbs left in the tin," ranted Clarke.
"This season, although we have seen the odd Abbey Cruch appear, I still fear the long-term biscuit situation is heading in the wrong direction. I am sorry to say that at the next board meeting I will vote for Mr Atkins to be removed as biscuit monitor."
Chairman Barry Stonhill stepped in to promise there were enough biscuits for everyone and numerous press releases were sent out - one bizarrely claiming that biscuits were only eaten by 'nerds'.
The matter seemed to have been forgotten when a pack of chocolate digestives appeared from an anonymous donor in the committee's claret cookie jar. However, it was at this point that the local paper chose to print Mr Clarke's original biccie rant. Clarke and Atkins were last seen whacking each other over the head with multi-packs of garibaldis in the car park.
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