The title is from Aaron Waters. The lyrics hail from Soul Asylum, "Runaway Train."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Takes place during TED, after Buffy comes home from the
police station and well before the truth is known.
Perhaps I thought that I'd become numb to it all. Perhaps I hoped I would. One way or another it's all a lie and I'm not. I can rationalize and tell myself that I'm doing good every time I stake a vampire and it's not that hard because they are evil. All he did was hit me. That makes him a creep but not evil. Hardly that. Seriously mental but not worth dying..not worth killing for. Oh Jesus..oh Jesus..what comes now?
I cry. I feel the tears wet against my face and I wish they would keep flowing because maybe I think that if I cry long enough and hard enough then I'll fall asleep from exhaustion and maybe when I wake up it'll all be a dream. But it won't and Ted's not coming back.
I don't know why they didn't charge me. I don't know why the cop was so understanding and for some reason it upsets me because I don't think he really gets it. It's a joke alright and I don't much think that the punchline is all that funny. I know that I should be happy that I'm not sitting in a jail cell but I'm not because when it's all said and done..I killed a man and maybe I should pay.
And you know what scares me the worst? More than the cops and the questions and perhaps even more than the fact that I know that my mom will never see me the same ever again? I'll tell you...I wanted him dead. I just snapped. I told Angel once before that I'd never hated any of the vampires I've killed but I did hate Ted. For so many things..some not even his fault. I hated it because he had the nerve to try to replace my father. I hated him because suddenly he was the what's what in my mom's life. Yeah, he violated my privacy and that deserved a good punch but I didn't stop there..couldn't stop there. In the space of a second, all control I've ever had rushed out of my body and Ted suddenly became everything that I've ever feared..the Master..my parents' divorce...dying..not being loved. And in that moment..I wanted him dead. I killed him.
A thought comes rushing to me as I stare at the falling drops of salty water that splash on the page of this diary. Everyone will know it's true. I am a murderer and perhaps even Ted was right..maybe I am delusional. Maybe I do belong locked away where I can't hurt anyone.
I told Kendra that emotions were an asset but in the briefest of moments, they became more of an enemy to me than any vampire I've ever faced. And I am supposed to deal with this. God..how can I even start?
I wanted to talk to my mother on the way home. Make her understand. Somehow. Anyhow. But why bother when I can just barely make sense of it all? She sees me as a killer..as the ultimate failure and manifestation of my darkest nightmares come true. When Billy had us trappped in the wiggy world where dreams and reality were going steady, my father called me a disappointment and now I see in my mom's eyes the truth of his words.
Maybe she understands that I didn't mean to hurt him but it doesn't change things because I wanted to kill him. I doubt she realizes that but I do. And Xander..and Wil...they'll try to understand but..I don't know to explain it to them..how to tell them...how to make them realize..
Oh God...I really killed a man.
