She shuddered and allowed another convulsion to wind it's way through her feverish body. She tried to wrap the blanket tighter about her shaking frame but her hands lacked the strength to grasp it.
"Relax," he whispered, grazing the heat of her forehead with the ice of his soft palm. He rested it there for a moment, hoping to cool her. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her cheek. "I love you."
"Angel," she stammered, making his name much longer than it actually was."God, it hurts." She felt his hand slide over hers and squeeze it.
"It's ok, lover," he replied, lying down next to her. "It won't hurt long. I promise. I just need to know that you can handle it. We're going to be together forever. I promise." He wrapped her in his arms, careful not to touch the bloody wound on her side. The wound he'd caused.
"I don't know..where I am." Buffy protested, panic in her voice. Her eyes were glazed with fever and uncertainity.
"It doesn't matter where. You're with me. Isn't that what you've always wanted? Isn't that all that matters?" Angel queried as he put his mouth to her right earlobe and gently nibbled on it. In spite of the waves of pain that were crashing through her, she moaned. Smiling, knowing that he still held her heart and soul in his hands, he wrapped his arms around her and continued kissing her.
Giles slammed the book down on the table. "He's got her."
"But it's not him. It's not me!" Angel cried, pacing back and forth. He ran his fingers through his dark hair. "She's got to know that. It's him..it's Angelus...she's gotta know that."
Willow turned to the two men, a look of calm fear in her eyes. Both of them were on the verge of losing control so it had to be she that kept everyone focused even if she herself could feel the terror racing through her like wild fire. "She doesn't know we got you back, Angel. She doesn't know that you split into two separate individuals. Angel and Angelus."
"We've got to find her before he hurts her." Angel said softly, falling noiselessly into one of the wooden chairs. "He'll kill her without a second thought."
"He's already hurt her," Xander said, walking into the library with Cordelia and another man at his side. Angel narrowed his eyes at the sight of the newcomer and then stood back up.
"Whistler," he greeted, his voice neutral. "What do you know? Where is she?"
"Angel ol' buddy. Good to see you too.."
Angel took two steps towards Whistler, hands outstretched, control barely checked before Xander stepped in his way. He gave Angel a shove back towards the table. "Sit down." Narrowing his eyes he said very slowly, deliberately, "Make no mistake, I don't like you. Even if you are the good side. I don't want you anywhere near her. All you can give her is pain. But right now that's of the future. We've got to find her before your fucked up otherself kills her."
Angel swallowed and then nodded. He bit back on the urge to slam the boy up against a wall and start hitting. Teach the kid a little respect. Even if he was probably right.
Xander turned to Whistler, eyes still narrowed, "Tell 'em what you told me, Singer."
"Whistler. Not hard, y'know. Tweet tweet. Okay, hard room. Gotcha. Alright here it is, your girl is halfway across the country, in the arms of the evil tooth boy. She's completely out of it. Doesn't know anything and she's dying."
Giles fell into a seat, suddenly unable to breathe. He stared down at the ground for a long moment, not listening to the rest of what Whistler had to say. Finally he looked up, "Take us to her." When Whistler started to protest, Giles said very calmly," You didn't come here just to give us cryptic clues that would take us forever to figure out. You and I both know that..help us find her before it's too late."
Angelus walked around the room, his thoughts in a jumble. For the first time in almost two hundred years, he was a pure demon. No inner human voice begging him not to hurt those that Angel had loved. And yet he still couldn't kill the damned Slayer.
He couldn't press his mouth to her neck, bite into her and drink from her until her body gave up and her light went out forever. Oh he'd tasted her alright. Taken a little drink from her wrist and from her side. But nothing that would kill her. Just enough to drive him insane. The bitch deserved to die and yet he couldn't do it.
Growling, Angelus slammed his hand into the wall. He spun back around and stared at her shaking form. She was caught in the middle of another fever induced nightmare. Eventually, assuming she ever regained her senses, she'd realized that it'd been he that had stabbed her in the side with the dagger. It'd been his arms that she'd then fallen into even as her lips had pressed up against his, believing him to be her Angel.
He'd approached her in the alley of this damned little wanna-be ghost-town. She'd been attempting to take a short-cut back to the campground she'd rented out on the south side of town. He'd been watching her for almost five days. As she woke in the morning, fresh tears on her face. As she'd washed in the public showers that he knew had to be disgusting her. As she tried to eat breakfast but never managed to consume more than a few bites. And it showed. Her baggy travel clothing hung loosely about her thinning frame. She'd always been a small girl but what she looked like now was little more than a paperclip.
And then she'd leave. Every morning she'd walk into town and go by the one grocery where she then with a small shy smile offered to do Mr.Jacob's deliveries. He was a simple man, didn't think that this girl was a runaway. Didn't realize the power she held in the palm of her hand. Didn't see the despair and fear that haunted her, lurking in the blue of her eyes.
And so every day for the past two weeks, Jacobs had payed her thirty dollars a day to make his deliveries. He thought she was an old child. Far too serious and quiet but a likable one just the same.
It'd been one of those nights after sh'd left Jacobs that she'd been walking through the alley, eyes locked on the ground when he'd appeared behind her. "Lover."
She'd turned, eyes blank and uncomprehending for several moments and then she'd stammered, "Angel? But.."
"Shh..lover. It's me. I got free. They let me come back to you." That wasn't exactly true but she didn't need to know that he had in fact been cut away from his good ide, from the whining lover-boy that was Angel. Somehow he didn't see her embracing him if she knew that all he was the demonic side. The very one that wanted to hurt her. As badly and as much as it could.
Tears sparkled in her eyes, confusion worked its way into the creases on her face. She was too young to have such pronounced worry lines. And yet he could see them clearly. "Angel.." Uncertainity. Fear. Hope.
Reaching forward, he pressed himself to her, his mouth claiming hers. He wasted no time in deepening the kiss, his tongue dancing with hers erroticaly. She whimpered, still confused and then decided that it had to be him. It felt like him. It sounded like him. She wrapped her arms around him and brought him to her, tearss flowing down her cheeks.
It was in that moment that he drew the knife from the inside of his overcoat. Using the hand one that wasn't bracing her head, he opened the blade and twirled it in his hand thoughtfully. Leaning back, unable to keep the smirk off of his face, he askedm "Do you love me?"
"Yes. God,yes." Buffy whispered, reaching out for him again. He let her fold herself against him again. Let her press her soft lips to his. Let the tears fall against his cheek. And then he struck.
She gasped as he pushed the knife into her side. As she sagged against him, all of her strength ebbing out of, she called out for him. Reaching across, he delivered a vicious right hook to her cheek and then stepped back so that she fell to the dirty stone of the alley with an almost non-existant thud, his name on her lips.
He could have let it end right then and there. Let the blood flow from her side even as he fed from her neck. As he drew infinitely from the power of the Slayer. And yet as he stared down at her barely consious, twitching form, he couldn't do it. Narrowing his eyes in disgust, Angelus had leaned down and picked her up into his arms.
Now she was laying there. In a darkened hotel room with large blankets over the windows to keep the sunlight out. He stared over at the bed, his enhanced vision allowing him to see th bloodstains on the white sheets, his increased sense of smell enabling him to practically taste it. He needed her. Wanted her. And yet he couldn't bring himself to end it.
"Damn it," Angelus growled, stalking over to her, controlled by fury. He reached down and grabbed her roughly by the the throat, pulling her into the air. She gasped in agony, a hand rushing blindly to her side. "Time to die, bitch." He tilted his head and then leaned forward and pressed his fangs into her throat. She gasped and whimpered, a hand raising to try to push him away but she lacked the strength or the sense of mind to know whether or not it was real.
Her blood flowed sweetly over his tongue, filling his senses, threatening to drive him insane. He felt his body grow hard with need. Feeding was always errotic, even more so when it was someone with an emotional attachment. His hands roamed wildly, unbuttoning her shirt. Touching, carressing.
And then he stopped. He pulled his fangs away from her throat and let her fall back to the bed with a gasp. Growling, he wiped a hand past his bloody mouth. "Bitch." He hit her across the face, enraged by his inability. God, what was her hold on him?
Buffy looked up at him through blurred vision and whimpered softly, "Angel?"
"Jackson, Washington?" Xander exclaimed, looking down at the map. "Who the hell moves to Jackson, Washington, population 237?"
"Someone who's trying to hide." Giles replied, opening up a guide book. "Jackson has a residential camp ground. She could be living there."
"Stop the car," Angel said suddenly from his seat in back next to Willow. He leaned forward net to Oz who was driving. "There. That hotel." He pointed dramatically towards an old run-down building.
"How do you know?" Willow asked.
"I can feel her." Angel replied, unbuckling his seat-belt. "I can smell her. She's dying." And with that, he jumped out of the van and into the sunlight. It was still strange. Strip the demon from the human..but damn was it weird to suddenly be human again.
"You do know that you're not Dead Boy anymore, right?" Xander asked. "I mean, you can't smell like you used to."
Angel turned on him," I can feel her. You wanna doubt me, fine..that's one more minute that she lies closer to death. You wanna help me, stop harping on me and get off your ass. It doesn't matter that we hate each other..all that does is Buffy."
Xander nodded slowly and then reached into the van and pulled out a gym bag. He opened it up and began distributing weapons. "Let's kill this bastard."
Her cries were getting louder. Her pain worse. She was fading. She'd lost too much blood. Part of him cried out for him to end it but then the other part, the one that wouldn't let her go, that was somehow painfully obcessed with her, said let her live. Let her die. He justified it by saying that killing her would be merciful and letting her die a long and agonizing death more suiting for the bitch who'd caused him so much trouble.
He sat in the wooden chair next to her bed, staring at her as she tossed and turned, crying out for him. Begging for peace.
He crawled ono the ned next to her and wrapped her into his arms, his teeth lightly grazing the bite mark on her throat but refusing to reopen it. He kissed her there and then moved the kiss up to her lips, pressing into her. "You're mine. You've always been mine."
"I'm not..yours," Buffy whispered suddenly, giving him a small push. He fell off-balance and then quickly stood up, glaring down at her. She raised her head and stared back at him. "You..you're not my Angel.."
He shook his head, amusement on his face but fury in his eyes. "Again with the not my Angel bullshit. When will you get it that he and I are two of a kind, Buffy? You can't have one without the other." Then he sighed. "Ok, you can but right now, you're getting the real man. It's all you've got left, lover."
"I didn't make love to you, " she replied. Her tone was cold but betrayed by the pain of her body.
He laughed, "Sorry Buff, doesn't work like that. You don't get to separate the body from the man. I was the one inside of you. I was the one who listened to your pitiful cries that night. That was me. I was there. You were there. You made love to me. I fucked you."
She winced at the harshness of his words. Biting back on another shudder, she repeated, "I didn't make love to you."
"You're dying, Buffy. Is this all you have left, the belief that the man you gave up everything for is a different man than I? You're a fool."
"We're all fools," she replied, her head falling back to the pillow.
"For once you're right, Slayer. I'm a damn fool for letting you live this long." He reached out and grabbed her by her shirt, lifting her into the air and slamming her against the wall. "Say the end, lover."
"The end, lover." Buffy whispered as she pushed her hand forward and into his chest. He gasped and looked down, horror playing across his face as he saw the wooden leg of the chair that had been sitting next to the bed embedded in his heart.
He shook his head, unbelieving and then he closed his eyes and allowed everything to surge away from him. Just before the darkness consumed him, he reached out and scraped a fingernail across her face, leaving a bloody trail in it's wake. And then all there was, was dust.
"Angel," she whispered, tears in her eyes as the dust settled over her like a fine blanket. She closed her eyes and began to breathe very slowly, ready to let it end. Everything. All of it.
Joyce Summers watched as the two boys placed Buffy in her bed. They looked up at each other and galred, no love lost between them. Finally Angel, apparently the good Angel, whatever the hell that was supposed to mean, muttered something about having things to do. He made a quick exit leaving her standing with Xander, Willow and Giles over her sleeping daughters' bed.
The doctors at the hospital near Jackson had released her after just two days even though she had yet to regain more than a few moments of consiousness. Joyce had flirted briefly with the idea of having Buffy admitted to Sunnydale General until she made a full recovery but then decided that she wanted to be watching her baby girl. Seeing for herself that Buffy was going to be okay.
No one had a clue what had happened to her in Jackson except that she'd been attacked and badly injured by Angelus. Who wasn't Angel. That part still confused her and the more Giles said to try to make it easier for her to understand, the harder it was.
All she knew for certain was that her little girl, who was apparently some great warrior, had been seriously hurt. After that, little mattered.
She ran a hand over Buffy's pale cheek and then looked back up at the others. "She'll be okay, now."
The decision had been simple. A chance to return. The opportunity to return to Buffy's arms. To hold her again. To love her. To let her know the truth. He could still remember the hurt in her eyes when Angelus had mocked her the night after they'd made love. She deserved so much better. Hell, she deserved the world but in those few moments, all he'd done was destroy her.
She'd givn up everything for him. Why? Could she really love him that much? He shook his head. After everything they'd been through, after all she'd done, how could he doubt her love for him?
The truth was he never had. He didn't understand it but he knew better than to doubt it. He failed to comprehend how a child filled with such goodness and light could fall for a being that was anything but. And yet that wasn't true anymore. The ritual that had gotten him out of hell had separated him and both parts had been cast from hell. Unfortunately, Angelus had gotten a jump on him. Had gotten to Buffy first. Had hurt her..
He clenched his hands tightly, his nails breaking the soft flesh of his palms and leaving bloody indents.
"Angel?"
He jerked his head up, a wave of pain flowing through his hands. He clenched his teeth, realizing that now that he was human again, the agony was more intense and harder to bear.
"Willow?" Angel asked, surprise creeping into his voice.Even though he'd worked with them to get Buffy home, he hadn't really expected any of them to want anything to do with after that. Xander had pretty much made his opinion known. Angel had just assumed that the others felt the same.
"Hi. Um, I thought you might be hungry. For something besides blood." Willow said with a small smile. She crossed the room and dropped a brown bag into his lap. Immediately his senses were overwhelmed by the smell of McDonalds. He'd been smelling it for years but the idea of cooked meat had always made his stomache curdle before. Now he gazed at it with thoughtful curiousity. Since his return from hell a little more than a week earlier, he'd been living off of tasteless salads, bread and water. Perhaps a bit scared to try everything else. Now Willow gazed back at him with a smirk quirking her lips.
He gave her a small uncertain smile in return and then reached into the bag. Turning the small cheeseburger over in his hands, he slowly began to unwrap it, still staring at it curiously.
"You eat it," Willow laughed.
Angel smiled, happy to hear the girl laugh. After all she'd been through, didn't she deserve a little happiness. Didn't they all? Without even realizing it, his expression sombered.
"You're thinking you should be having this moment with Buffy, right?" Willow asked, concern in her voice. He looked up at her and instantly knew that she understood. She got it. Slowly, he nodded. She put a hand over his, "Soon. She's going to be okay. Her fever broke earlier today. She'll be up and around in no time."
"But she won't be who she was. None of us are." Angel protested, putting the cheeseburger back down. Before he could however, Willow caught his hand.
"Eat. You've been eating like a damn bunny. It's yuck. You're human now...eat like one that wants to die of cholesteral poisoning in ten years. " Then she sighed. "None of us are the same Angel. We can't be but in a way, that makes it easier for us to help each other. We've all been through bits and pieces of the same thing."
He looked up at her,"When we walked into the hotel room, the look on her face...I've never seen her like that. It was like she didn't care.."
"But she has you back now. She has all of us back. Eat dammit." Willow said, reaching out and taking a fry. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy...there are a lot of issues..a lot. You and Xander.."
"Me and Xander is pretty much a lost cause, Will." Angel said with a dry laugh.
"He'll do anything for Buffy.."
"I know."
"Including keep his anomosity at bay for her benefit." Willow said quietly.
He shook his head, "I'm not sure I should even be here. Every part of me is screaming get the hell away. From here."
"Not from here, Angel..from her. Let's at least be honest."
Angel squinted his eyes at her,"When did you change so much, Willow? When did you become so authoratative?"
She lowered her eyes and stared at the ground for a long moment. Finally she rose off of the bed and walked towards the door. Then she turned and smiled at him sadly,"When I had no choice." She laughed. "Enjoy the food and don't think for a moment that I'm gonna let you walk out of her life. You can only hurt her more and I won't let anyone do that."
As soon as the door clicked shut, he fell back against the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
"Baby?" Joyce asked as she entered Buffy's room, a glass of cold water clutched tightly in her hand. She saw her daughter sitting by the window, a blanket wrapped tightly around her. She was staring out, eyes searching but finding nothing. Buffy hadn't said much since she'd woken up, didn't have a clue what was going on. "How are you feeling?"
Buffy looked up at her mother and tried to smile. What it looked like however was an expression of infinite sadness. "I feel better," she lied.
Joyce reached down to touch her daughter. To assure herself that her baby was really there. Before she could even make contact, Buffy shifted away, curling further into the blanket, her eyes never leaving the window. "Buffy.."
"Mom, no..please. I just need time and space. I didn't want to come back here. I still don't want to be here. And as soon as I can move around again without a lot of pain, I'm leaving."
"Buffy, no.."
Buffy turned to face her mom, a tear streaking down her face. She lacked the strength or anger to keep her emotional wall in place. "Don't you understand, I've got nothing to offer anyone here. Angel once told me that as Angelus, he offered everyone he knew ugly death. Well it's the same thing except this time, I'm responsible. It's my fault."
"I won't let you go..Buffy, this is insanity." Joyce pleaded, reaching out and gripping her daughters' shoulder. She felt the girl tense under her touch but she either lacked the strength or care to push Joyce away.
"You're right. That's exactly what this is. Insanity. My life, mom. And everyone...everyone who gets swept in gets destroyed. I can't do that anymore." She shook her head. "Why won't you guys just accept that it's better this way?"
"You expect me to just turn my back on you? Like you never existed?"
"You did once." Buffy countered quietly. She knew it was a below the belt blow but if it worked..
"I wasn't thinking straight and you know it. Buffy, you're my daughter..I don't care if you are a vampire. I love you and I won't let you run because you've got guilt issues.."
"Mom, you don't understand," Buffy replied between clenched teeth. "You've never understood. This isn't a phase I'm going through. There is only one way out of this gig. I am going to die."
"Maybe not..maybe there is a way where you don't have to.."
"What, all the vamps are suddenly gonna decide hey let's not kill the Slayer, yay us? C'mon, reality check. There's going to be a day when I'm going to be too slow or not smart enough or not strong enough and I will die. The end."
"But you've made it so far.."
"Have I? Mom, I've already died once. I almost died two nights ago. I almost died a couple months ago when I was hospitalized...how many more close calls?"
"You've already died?" Joyce asked, looking up at her wide-eyed. "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing. It's not important."
"Dammit, Buffy, you may be intent on making sure no one can help you through this but it's not going to happen like that. You are still my daughter and I love you and I will not just stand by."
"I know you love me, mom..I've never doubted that. I just..please...I know this is best.."
"You may be the Slayer or whatever the hell that but don't think for a moment that means you have all the answers.."
"Mom, if I had all the answers, I would have opted to die that night a year ago. Then I could have saved everyone all of this pain." Buffy replied calmly. She turned away from her mother and stared back out the window. She tried to close her eyes against the tears but they streamed down her face anyways.
"Baby..I don't understand.."
"She died a year ago at the hands of the local vampire king. Xander brought her back," Giles said, entering the room with Xander at his side. "Your uh, door was open. I tried knocking but.."
"It's okay. What do you mean 'died'?"
"He means that I was clinically and technically dead. Xander breathed life into me and did chest compressions until my heart started again. I drowned." Buffy answered, still looking out the window. "Giles, what are you doing here? Don't any of you grasp the concept of solitude?"
"Buffy, Angel is alive."
Before any of them could blink, Buffy was off the window seat and had Giles smashed up against the wall, a hand against his throat and her eyes blazing fire. Her mom called out for her to stop it but her rage consumed her and she found her grip tightening.
"You son of a bitch, why can't any of you just let me mourn him? Huh?" Her voice raised in pitch as she throttled him against the wall. Joyce and Xander exchanged worried looks. "I loved him with every single part of me. I killed him. I killed him." And with that the energy drained out of her and she let Giles fall in a heep to the floor. He grunted and looked up at her, rubbing his throat. She had her hands over her face and was sobbing silently into them. A moment later she sagged against the wall, the energy supplied by her rage seeping away and her body remembering that it was injured. Joyce dropped down beside her but didn't touch her. It was Giles that finally moved to hold her. She fell limply in his arms, neither refusing not accepting the embrace.
"Buffy, you don't understand. The ritual that brought Angel back separated him into Angel and Angelus. The one you killed in Jackson was Angelus. The other one, Angel..is human. He's alive. He's here."
Buffy looked up at Xander. After a beat, he nodded slowly. "It's true, Buff."
She looked like she was either about to throw up or lose consiousness. After a brief moment, she did neither. She crawled away from Giles and towards her bed, wrapping the blanket around her and pulling one of her stuffed animals to her breast. Rocking back and forth, she began to cry silently.
And they watched her, unsure of what to do, unable to help. Her world phased out under the bright sheen of the tears and her sobs became louder and harsher, wracking her body with startling intensity.
And then, just like that, she stopped. And rose to her feet, rubbing tears away with her fist. "I need to see him."
"Buffy, are you sure that's wise?" Xander asked quietly.
Without hesistation, she turned around and delivered a hard right hook to the boys' jaw. Standing above him but barely, she glared down at him. "You deserved that. All the times I needed your support when it came to Angel..you were never there for me." "That's not true.." Xander said, rubbing his jaw.
Her lip trembled for a moment. He was right but still the anger stayed. God, it was only the surface. Reaching down, she offered her hand. He stared at her a moment and then took it. "I don't want you anywhere near me." Buffy said as she pulled him up. She turned away from him. Xander's eyes widened but he found that he lacked the voice to protest.
"Buffy.." Giles said sharply as she pushed past him and into the hallway. He swallowed hard and then decided to try a different approach. "Buffy, you're hurt. The doctors didn't want you.."
"Fuck 'em," the little Slayer replied coldly. "I need to see Angel." She pulled a jacket on and then turned and walked down the stairs, hard blue eyes locked forward. Joyce and Giles exchanged a look. Xander just fell back against the wall, eyes closed in despair.
"Angel?" She asked quietly, pushing the door to his apartment open. She peeked in and then took a deep breath and stepped past the threshold. So much had happened in this place. She'd given herself completely to the only man she could ever possibly love and then she'd lost herself to that same man. Only it wasn't the same man. Only it was. "I know you're here. I can feel you."
"You shouldn't have come." Angel whispered, stepping around from the shadows and appearing in front of her. He looked different but she couldn't quite place why. Unfortunately, he knew exactly why she looked different.
She was too thin. Too pale. Her blue eyes were bloodhsot from countless nights spent thrashing in the unflinching hold of the nightmares that tormented her. She held herself without confidence or care and even her dress style was well..not her. It wasn't sloppy so much as it was anti-Buffy. Baggy jeans and a white mans' tee-shirt that flowed over the belt off her jeans. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail.
"There's a lot of things I shouldn't have done," she replied, her eyes locked on his. He searched hers for any sign of the spark that would tell him that she was still there. Still reachable inside all of that pain. All he saw was emptiness. A hollowed area void of life or emotion.
"God, what have I done to you?" Angel whispered, taking a step towards her, hand out-stretched, wanting to..no..needing to touch her.
She stumbled backwards, as insistent about avoiding contact as he was about making it. She put up a hand. Shaking her head, she fought for control, her young features shifting for a moment, threatening to crumble and them amazingly, she found the strength, the pain to reconstruct her wall and her face immediately returned to it's hard mask. "It's not all about you, Angel. Or maybe it is but I can't do this anymore."
"Buffy.."
"God, stop. Just..just don't talk. I can't even deal with that."
He put his head down for a moment, eyes locked on the dust shifting on the floor. It needed to be swept. Shaking his head, he looked back up. "What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to not be a part of me." Buffy whispered, hands clenched and voice cracking. She swallowed hard and the mask all but disappeared as a tear rolled down her cheek. "But it doesn't work like that, does it?"
"I love you," Angel told her, firmly. "I can stay away from you if that's what you want. But we are a part of each other. You can't deny yourself that any more than I can...or want to."
"Hasn't there been enough pain?" She asked, her fingers tangling together as she shifted nervously. She shrunk away from the love in his eyes. Unable to deal with it. Knowing that if she let one emotion touch her, all the others would and then she'd surely lose her fragile control over her sanity. That couldn't be allowed. Whatever the cost.
"Yes..I don't want to hurt you anymore. Believe me, I'd do anything not to.."
"Then let us go. Completely. Don't even think about me."
"I can't do that." Angel replied, looking up at her with tears in his own eyes. "I don't think you want to either."
"This isn't about what I want or what you want. It's about stoping the pain. Everyone's. It's gotta end." Buffy said, taking another involuntary and unwitting step backwards and away from him.
"I know you're scared.."
"You have no idea." She laughed bitterly. "You have no...idea...what it's like to wake up every day..every single day knowing that people have died because of you. Because you couldn't keep your hormones checked.."
"Don't I?" Angel murmured softly, looking up at her, hoping to make a connection. He needn't have bothered. She stared past him, her shimmering blue eyes locked on the wall behind him, on some demon that haunted her from the shadows.
"Or because you couldn't kill your ex-lover because he wore the face of the man you loved so you sentenced everyone you gave a damn about to the hell that should have been yours alone. I won't do that again. I won't."
"Buffy, God...I understand...don't you think I do? You more than anyone.." Angel snapped, his frustration with being unable to break past her wall wearing at his patience. He loved this girl more than was right but he also knew that unless he found a way to make her understand...make her see that she wasn't alone in her despair..well, then it was all lost.
"You had no choice in your actions, Angel. Only Xander blames you for what Angelus did and he's a damn fool anyways. They all are. Anyone with a shred of sense would have walked away from me a long time ago. They're fools but their intentions are good. So it's up to me to spare them..and I will do that."
Angel shivered at the coldness of her voice. So not alive. So not Buffy.
"Buffy, don't do this..you're not.."
"I'm not what? Thinking straight? You're right. I haven't been for a very, very long time." She sniffled and ran a trembling hand past her nose. "But you see, that's what it comes down to..I was selfish. I made everything about me and what I wanted and what I needed. But they don't matter, Angel. They never did."
He shook his head, "No." Reaching forward, he grabbed her by her arms and shoved her roughly against the wall. "I won't let you lock yourself away. I need you right now. I'm scared out of my mind. I need you. And whether o not you'll admit, you need me." He leaned across and crushed his lips to hers, pinning and securing her.
And for the briefest of moments, he felt something stir in her. Her slender arms wrapped around his waist and she pulled him to her even as she deepened the kiss. He heard her whimper her need. Whether for contact or love or whatever, for a moment that wall was a done.
But a moment was all it was.
She shoved him violently away and hit him with a right hook. He flinched at the stinging pain in his cheek even as she screamed at him. "You bastard!" Tears streamed down her face as she braced herself to fight him, perhaps even forgetting that now that he was a human, he stood no chance against her.
"Buffy, get ahold of yourself. This isn't you." Angel insisyed, still rubbing his reddened cheek.
"What do you know about me?" she laughed dyly. "It's been months since you and I sat down and even talked...I don't know who you are anymore." She looked down at the ground and licked her lips. Looking up, now controlled once more she said softly, "I don't know who I am anymore."
"I don't know what to do," Angel said softly. He chuckled without humour. "What I want to do is hold you and never let you go.."
"That's not gonna happen. I...I don't even know why I came here."
"You wanted to see me."
She shook her head, afraid if she acknowledged the truth of his statement that she'd never be able to walk away. "I need to end this. Now." Reaching out with a trembling hand, she touched his face. He dipped his cheek into her palm and covered it with his own. "Goodbye." She closed her eyes for a beat and then pulled her hand and turned to leave.
"So that's it? You're gonna walk out of my life like this? You're not going to even give me a chance to prove to you that none of this is your fault?" Angel said, teeth clenched, frustration and anger bubbling to the surface.
She turned on him, eyes blazing fury. He would have smiled just at the thought of her showing any emotion but didn't have time to contemplate it before she had him up against a wall, her elbow pressed against his throat. "That's right. And what were you planning on doing? Making it just like we were before? Stupid and selfish." She shrugged. "Okay." Reaching down, she grabbed the buckle of his belt and pulled it loose. With her other hand, she pulled off her own shirt and pressed herself against him. "Well let's go big boy. No curse now. No worries. Maybe I can make up for being such a bad lay last time."
"God, Buffy." Angel said, shaking his head sadly. He pushed her a few feet away and then tried to wrap his arms around her. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you like.."
Pushing away from him, she started to laugh. Half crazed, half like she was about to desolve into tears. "Wow, I guess I was so bad you don't even want to bother with a second round. I don't blame you." Still laughing, she moved towards the door to his apartment.
"Buffy!" Angel cried. He reached out for her, almost catching her, touching the silk of the back of her hand. She jerked away and then practically fell through the door and out into the stairwell. Knowing that she wasn't able to respond to him but unable to stand still, he went after her. And then stopped.
The sunlight splashed boldly against his eyes, blinding him. Instinctively, he rose an arm across his eyes, fear threading through him and a cry coming to his lips even before he realized that he wasn't actually in pain. He took his arm away and stared back at the light. Then shaking his head in irritation he muttered, "Human." Then he blinked, "Buffy."
It was too late. He ran to the top of the steps and gazed out. Nothing. She'd vanished. Growling he slammed his hand into the granite wall. And then cringed.
"She what?" Cordelia exclaimed, reaching around to check his jaw for bruises. She turned his face one way and then the other. "You're fine. She hit you?"
"Hit might be an understatement," Xander grumbled, holding an ice pack to his cheek. "I've never seen her so angry."
"She's..hurting." Giles commented, stepping around the desk. "Everytime she starts to deal with what's happening, the rules change. She's lost and recovered Angel so many times now that it's becoming a painful cliche that.."
"And please do continue talking about me like I'm a mental case about to crack like an egg." Buffy said softly as she entered the library, her Converse snuffing against the floor.
"Buffy," Willow said, standing up from her seat next to Oz. The guitarist let go of her hand hesistantly, not sure that his girlfriend was safe near the Slayer when she looked so close to mental collapse and yet knowing that if the big blow did occur, it didn't matter where any of them were standing; they'd all go down with the boat. "Are..are you okay?"
Buffy chuckled. "What you want to ask me is how did it go with Angel, right Will? I mean..some of you want me with him." She looked at Willow but didn't smile. Then she turned her icy gaze to Xander. "Some of you don't." She walked up behind him and then leaned closer. "Don't worry, Xand, he rejected me."
"What?" Xander said, turning to look at her. "Rejected you?"
"Oh chill on the righteous anger rift. We parted ways. No more chance of anyone getting hurt." She sighed. "So, I just came by to tell y'all that. Now I'm going to go get some sleep. I have work tonight." She smiled brightly, that of a line painted onto the face of a china doll and then left the library.
"What the hell was that?" Cordelia asked, eyes wide. "That was Buffy, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," Willow said softly. "That was Buffy."
They could only be described as nightmares. And yet it was as she held her head in her hands in the middle of the mall that they struck her. One after another, blindingly fast, stunningly painful.
Everything was mixing together. Colours. Images. Pain. So much. His words came at her but she was no longer sure who was saying what. Was it Angel or Angelus? Was it both of them? Who was it that had torn her beating heart from her chest and stomped on it? Who was it that had held her tightly, lips pressed gently against hers as her breathing regulated and she came down from the passionate high that had so consumed her the night of her birthday. And who was it that she had impaled to save a world that could never begin to understand the sacrifice she was making for it anyways.
"Well, well, well, Summers..you get around."
Buffy blinked and looked up, the pain assaulting her head but still allowing her to rise shakily to her feet. "Snyder."
He nodded. "How's the life of a recently expelled student? Causing trouble? Oh wait, of course you are."
"The police department dropped all the charges," she whispered, not understanding why she felt the need to justify herself to this little troll of a man.
"Like I said, deeply stupid. I hear the school board has also voted to let you back into school. Your mom caused enough of a ruckus...I hope you're smart enough..although I doubt it..to realize that it would be a bad decision to return in the fall."
She snorted, "Don't worry, I have no intention of going back."
"Perhaps there's hope for you yet, Summers." Then he laughed. "Nah. Jail in five months or less is about the only hope you have." He smiled. "Bye now."
She stared after him, a buzzing in her head telling her once again that John Snyder was not on the level. And then she dismissed it. Not wanting to know. Not caring to.
She fell back against the wall, the pressure becoming intense again. She touched her side gingerly and winced. Just days earlier, Angel..Angelus..someone had put a knife into her. How much insanity was it that she was moving around so soon after.
"You speak more riddles in your head than I do out loud," a new voice with a distinctive New York accent chirped. She rolled her eyes and looked up at him.
"Whistler, this really isn't a good time."
"Oh that's right..because I would be interrupting your feeling sorry for yourself session."
She rolled her eyes," That's right, you got it. And since I'm planning on having that session with or without your approval, you are wasting your time."
"Eh, not really. Time was created to be wasted. No better purpose for it besides wasting and running. Works pretty well, don't ya think, kid?"
"Ya, whatever. Look, if you're here to put me through a poetry session, spare me. Actually you know what.."
"Woah, kid..such hostility. We know who didn't wake up on the right side of the bed this morning."
"You remember what I told you about ribcages and hats? It still applies."
"Okay. Gotcha. Look, this isn't doing you any good. Sulking and pulling an attitude. You've got Angel back. He's yours. No more demon boy."
"It's really that easy for you isn't it?" Buffy asked, turning to look at him.
He shook his head,"No, it's not. But you don't need to make it any harder for you. You two have both paid the price time and time again."
"That's right..we've paid a price. Only I didn't pay enough so they took it out of everyone I gave a damn about. That's justice for you." Then she laughed. "But you were right, in the end, I am all I have left."
And for a moment all there was was silence. She stared at her hands and he at her. She trying to figure out where she was going and he trying to understand how she'd gotten to where she was and how to help her.
"Do you want to die?"
"That sounds like a threat," she replied, her voice void of concern, her posture still casual as she watched people walk by, arms filled with recent purchases.
"You know it's not. I'm just trying to figure out what you're fixing to do. From where I stand, you don't look like you're going anywhere but the dirt..and six feet down to boot."
"It's inevitable." She replied calmly, her eyes locked on a couple standing by the elevator. They were holding each other, talking softly and accenting every statement with a passionate kiss that looked like it could sweep both of them off of their feet.
"Reminds you of being with him, doesn't it?" Whistler queried.
"Ya," she said, momentarily forgetting her rage. Her eyes misted with regret and sadness.
"God, kid, I hate seeing you so torn up. Especially when you don't have to be. Go be with him. Neither of you are gonna be happy without each other."
She sighed with disgust," You try too hard. Let it go, it's not gonna happen. As soon as I'm sure that I'm not going to bleed to death, I'm gone. And this time I won't be found."
"They won't just let you go."
"They'll have to." Then she smiled. One that made him shiver. Her eyes glittered dangerously, almost crazed. "And if they won't, then I'll make 'em hate me. That oughta work."
"She's not herself, Giles." Angel said, pacing back and forth. "I don't know how to get through to her." He stopped and looked at Willow. She'd been the one to refuse to let him sink into his guilt.
"Maybe she just needs to work through this on her own," Cordelia offered weakly, not believing her own words. She glanced over at the empty wooden chair next to her. When Angel had entered the library less than ten minutes earlier, Oz had grabbed Xander and muttered something about getting lunch. Right now it was purely damage control. There was already enough debris to sort through. No sense adding to it. And yet it seemed inevitable..
"I think we've gone beyond her ability to pull through this on her own." Giles murmured.
"I say we find her, tie her up and just kick her ass 'til she starts listening to reason," Willow muttered, shuffling her feet. She looked up and into the very surprised eyes of the others in the room. Shrugging she said,"I'm worried. I get violent when I get worried. I'm the uber-worried at the moment."
"That might not be such a bad idea," Angel said, sitting down.
"She's scared. She's lost connection. Everytime she finds her footing, the proverbial carpet is swept out from underneath her. A person can only takes so many blows before they fall.."
"And stop wanting to get up," Angel finished, looking up at Giles. "That's what you were going to say, right?"
He nodded slowly,"Perhaps through all of this, we've forgotten that Buffy is still a child. Even one who holds the fate of the world in her hands..but a child just the same."
