A bit sleepy I look out of the window. The sun isn't the sun which it used to be in the past. It doesn't give me warmth, no feeling of luck, which made me so happy in the past. It has just turned around, the solar rays blinded me so much.
There’s also some noise from the motors. We spend almost half of our life in the tourbus. It has become our home. When we go on a tour, we bring the stuff we need in the bus. Sometimes we went into a hotel. But most of the time, we didn't have time to stay for long in one place. But that doesn't mean that we couldn’t spend a night in a hotel. Again, I heard the noise of the motors, it makes me nervous. When we went with the tourbuss, I heard this noise too, but I must say honest that I slept pretty well. But sometimes, when I couldn’t sleep I heard this noise, which I never heard when I just slept. At this night I see that Angelo was also up. I asked him if he also woke up because of the noise from the motors. But he said " Barby you are crazy " He thought about his girlfriend. Our little Angelo, love is very important for us but Angelo is still so young, for him love is a little adventure, a game of fire. And of course the feeling of being with someone experience.
It was a little time to our concert, when I saw two girls. Those two had found a way to the backstage trough the security. I saw how they talked with Paddy. I saw that he tried to get rid of them. But the girls wanted to stay and talk with him. I saw how my brother was trying to understand it all. When he finally was able to get free, he ran into Kathy's arms, with eyes full of tears. Kathy wanted to know where he was going. Paddy didn't say anything. He wanted to get free of Kathy's arms and run away, when she suddenly hit him around the ears. " We have showtime in a few minutes, get you head together, you have to go on stage! " Still in shock Paddy went to the stage. He got his last tears out of his eyes. Kathleen was totally shocked too. " I am so sorry....Patrick!" But Paddy didn't hear her anymore. She looked very strange to me and said " Barby I didn't want it that way....but how could that happen? " I hold up my shoulders and nodded, and sat down with her. Together we went to the stage, and we were just in time to get on stage together with the others. The fans where as always very loud and happy. Sometimes I look at a fan a bit longer, and think about what they are thinking at the moment. When I look into their eyes, I don't see any friends. No lucky life. The only thing I see in their eyes is hysteria. I looked a bit longer to another girl. She is screaming my brother’s name as crazy. She doesn't stop screaming, the only thing she say is Paddy Paddyyyyy without stopping.
It is so strange that a person can scream for such a long time and so loud. It looked for me that she has just got out from a mental hospital. Something like this isn't normal anymore. Right after my thought I see her falling down in the crowd. I hold up my shoulders and sing further with my sister Patricia and her song. After some time my eyes are falling to other girl. Her eyes look with tears at me. She has a banner with says " Barby queen of dance " I give her a little smile. It is right, I haven’t danced on stage for a long time. But why would I dance when everyone wants to have Angelo and Paddy. Maybe some of the fans would go mad, when I am in the picture, instead of their favorites. But I think again, if I just don't go for a little dance, for the ones who want to see it. But when I look on stage again, I see my sister Maite dancing around like crazy. Every eye is looking at Maite. At this way, I don't have any fun to dance... nobody will see me.
When the concert finally ends I go to the place where a few minutes ago, a lot of people stood to see me and my family and to scream Paddy and Angelo. " Hey Barby " I turned around and looked in the eyes of three girls, whom I already saw on the concert, because they wore very big hats. "Can we get your autograph? And do you know where Paddy and John are? " They wanted an autograph. I turned around again. I love to give my autograph, but only to the ones who really want to have it. These girls didn't want me, they want my brothers Paddy and John. Why would I give them my autograph?
When I went to the tourbus I saw Paddy again. He still has troubles with that girl who teased him before the show. It wasn’t hard to see. On one side, he is being loved by lots of girl, and on the other side they want him to do things that he doesn't want to do. Something like this you can’t and you don't want to understand. For a while I am sitting next to him, and asked him to come back to earth again. Fast after that, Kathy came to us. She told us that we had to go into bed because we have photosession next day. I hate these appointments, by this man you have to smile when you don't want to smile at all. I don't like it, because on this photos it looks like we are something which we aren't. It looks like we are so happy... but there is no way back. Of course we can stop with the music. But then there’d be lots of suicides. And that is something we don't want. So we went into bed. As long as it’s possible, we stay what we are... won't stop until dead will be there. We also try to change, what the fans hope to, with that we all can be happy again.
