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Pinky and the Brain: Project X-Scent
MiSTed by Jeffrey Ray Roberts
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[SOL Bridge]
[5]
[4]
[3]
[2]
[1]
[Theatre]
[The theatre is empty. A long time passes before anything happens. Suddenly,
the theatre door slams open and Mike charges in from stage right, clad in his
pajamas and carrying Tom. He drops the chubby red robot and collapses into
a seat. Crow runs in a moment later.]
CROW: What was _that_ all about?
TOM: And why was Pearl ranting about needing to riff this fic _IMMEDIATELY?_
MIKE: [rubbing his eyes] I don't know... What time is it? [checks his watch]
2:30!? What could be so important that we need to see it this early?
I swear, if -
>Pinky and the Brain: Project X-Scent
ALL: [Groan]
MIKE: *Sigh* Well, maybe it'll just be a Pepe Le Pew crossover.
>Author: Hal Larson - hlarson@
CROW: Spam break!
TOM: When email harvesters are outlawed, only brain-dead idiots will have
email harvesters... pretty much like right now.
>mail.hesch-prod.com
>Date: 1997/11/21
>Forum: alt.sex.stories
CROW: A Perverted Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum...
>They're Pinky and The Brain
>Yes Pinky and The Brain
>One is a genius, the other's insane
>They're laboratory mice
>Their genes have been spliced
>They're dinky
>They're Pinky and The Brain Brain Brain Brain
>Brain Brain Brain Brain BRAIN!
CROW: Ready?
TOM: Yep!
BOTS: (singing) They're kinky and depraved
Yes kinky and depraved
One's into leather, the other likes pain!
They'll dominate the Earth
They'll whip you 'till it hurts!
They're kinky
They're kinky and depraved, praved, praved
praved, praved!
>Before each night is done
>Their plan will be unfurled
MIKE: And unraveled.
CROW: And unaccomplished.
>By the dawning of the sun
>They'll take over the world
TOM: (singing, tunelessly and incredibly fast) ...actually by the
dawning of the sun there will be an unlikely but comical mishap
in which Pinky who has been established time and again is
completely incompetent for any kind of "world domination" task
will screw up Brain's plan through stupidity or sheer unluckiness
yet miraculously Brain will continue to keep the company of
this pariah instead of ditching him and finding a more capable
assistant which brings up the question of why cartoon villans
always associate with such incompetent sidekicks anywayyyy....
*GASP!!* *Pant* *Pant*
[Mike and Crow applaud.]
MIKE: Nice, but can we keep the riffs down to, say, five minutes?
>They're Pinky and The Brain
>Yes Pinky and The Brain
MIKE: But _who_ are they?
>Their twilight campain
>Is easy to explain
TOM: Step 1: Try to take over the world.
CROW: Step 2: Screw up.
MIKE: Step 3: Hilarity ensues.
TOM: Step 4: Repeat until Elmyra is added to the show and ruins everything.
>To prove their mousey worth
>They'll overthrow the Earth
CROW: (as Pinky) It 'elps my low self-esteem, it does!
>They're dinky
>They're Pinky and The Brain Brain Brain Brain
TOM: Beuller... Beuller... Beuller...
>Brain Brain Brain Brain….NARF!
>ACME LABS: Project Journal
>PROJECT: XI839Q - Code Name "X-Scent"
CROW: Industry! Working day and night to fill the nation's need for mousey
porn! The next time you enjoy a rodent lemon, be sure to thank the
fine people at Acme Labs!
>TECHNICIAN: R.James, employee number 342593
MIKE: Hey, it's Rick James!
TOM: (singing) Whoever wrote this is a superfreak, superfreak, he's
superfreaky, yow!
>Results of mouse female pheremone formula XFM62 are inconclusive. When
>released into the maze, experiemental subject PNK3 (nickname "Pinky")
CROW: Uh-oh. These scientists are into 31337 W4r3Z sP311iNg.
>immediately tried to find the source of the pheremone but could not seem to
>grasp the concept of dead-end corridors.
MIKE: (as R.James) Subject became extremely frustrated playing "Wizardry."
Subject proceeded to kick a hole in the computer screen.
>Subject eventually became too aroused to negotiate maze and fell to
>masturbating furiously.
CROW: He couldn't fit around the corners...
>Subject continued to self-stimulate until removed from maze.
>Subject BRA9
MIKE: Cambot! Get me Bra #9!
CROW: Nelson, that's immature, even for me. Good job.
>(nickname "Brain") quickly found source of pheremone, but ignored stimulus
>and attempted to dismantle maze timing device.
CROW: Subject identified as "geeky."
>Subject had three transistors and
TOM: (nasally) ...a microphone!
>an IC chip in paws when removed from maze by researcher.
>NOTE: Both subjects were formerly used in cognitive enhancement studies.
>Could earlier modifications be influencing behavior?
ALL: Nahhh...
>"Baw haw NARF! haw haw…" sobbed Pinky "I miss her already."
>"Miss who?" Asked the Brain.
MIKE: Miss Take?
TOM: Miss Terious?
CROW: Miss Ogonyst?
>"I miss the lady mouse they had in the maze. She smelt like a real corker!
>We wuz getting along really well NARF! but I couldn't find her."
MIKE: (confused) Wait... you were getting along well even though you couldn't
even find her? You mean she wasn't even there?
TOM: (as yokel) That must that new cybersex I've heard so much... about
late-ly...
>He sniffed, and brushed away a large tear.
CROW: (as Pinky) And now, my impression of a nervous Anime character!
>The Brain smacked him on the back of his head, Thwack! "There was no lady
>mouse, you nincompoop!"
MIKE: (as Brain) That was my wife!
>His voice rose in fustration. "They just sprayed some chemicals to make
>you think she was there."
>"I don't think so, Brain," contradicted Pinky. "We had relations, if you
>know what I mean- NARF!"
TOM: (as Pinky) Narf narf, wink wink, say no more, knowwhatimean...
>Brain sighed. "No you didn't, Pinky. The only mouse you had relations
>with was Rosy Palmer.
MIKE: Laura Pamer's long-lost sister?
>Now help me lift this bobby pin into the new lock
>they're using to keep us in the cage." The Acme Lab researchers, blind to
>the tremendous intelligence of their experimental subject, had put a simple
>key lock on the cage.
TOM: So, the _researchers_ can't tell that Pinky and the Brain aren't
normal mice?
CROW: Yep.
TOM: Even though they walk upright?
CROW: Yep.
TOM: (angrily) And they have opposable thumbs?
CROW: Yep.
TOM: (very angrily) And one of them was able to dismantle an electronic
timer?
CROW: Yep.
TOM: (pissed) Just where the Hell did these people get their degrees!?
Sally Struthers?
>A few twists of the hair clip and PING!
MIKE: (british accent) Ah, I see the Brain has invented a machine that
goes PING!
>the lock sprang open. "Come on, Pinky! We have lots of work to do
>before the night is over."
MIKE: *Sigh* Yeah, I remember pulling a couple of graveyard shifts back
when I worked for MightyTemp...
>"I'll say, Brain. The floors in this lab are positively disgusting, and
>the shelves look like they haven't been dusted for years." They walked
>along the back of a lab table, threading their way among test tubes and
>retorts.
TOM: Hey, I got a retort for you... Just give me a second to think it up.
>"All too true, Pinky. But I wasn't referring to mere janitorial work.
CROW: (as Brain) We must move on to bigger, better things - FILING!
>We must complete my latest mind control device so that we can..."
TOM: Uh... Uh... Get elected? Go out with lots of hot lady mice? Uh...
PASS!
CROW: That had to be the strangest $25,000 Pyramid category ever.
>His eyes grey large and malevolent, "Take Over The World."
MIKE: Take Over the World, copyright Acme Labs. Patent Pending.
>Brain stopped and looked around.
CROW: (as Brain) Hello? *tap* *tap* Is this thing on?
>Pinky was nowhere in sight, but he heard a loud grunting noise
>coming from the lab table below him.
MIKE: (as Brain, nervously) Pinky...? Pinky?
CROW: The last thing Brain saw was a faint shimmering in the air as three
red dots appeared on his forehead in a triangular pattern...
>He looked down to see Pinky staring adoringly at a flask marked "XMF62."
>"She's here! She's here!" cried the tall pinkish rodent, masturbating
>furiously.
MIKE: Oh, yeah. When you meet the girl of your dreams, there's no better
way to impress her than to immediately masturbate like crazy. That
always works.
>"Who's here, you pin-headed mutant?"
ALL: ZIPPY!
>"Rosy Palmer, the girl I met in the maze," replied Pinky. His eyes were
>glazed, and a thin strand of drool dripped from his slack mouth.
MIKE: So, he was absolutely normal then?
>A thin mouse penis jutted from his abdomen, red and engorged.
CROW: That's an odd thing to stab someone with...
>"Brain, I would like you to meet my fiance' Rosy Palmer.
MIKE: Somewhere in the world, Phar Fig Newton sheds a tear.
>Rosy, this is my best friend in the whole world, The Brain."
>The Brains ears flattened malevolently to the sides of his hypercephalic
>skull.
TOM: You know, it must be pretty hard to walk around with a head as big
as your body.
CROW: I heard the Brain and Charlie Brown are starting a support group.
>"That's a test tube, you idiot! There is no girl there. It's
>just chemicals, chemicals- do you understand?"
>"Oh goody, I love chemicals. NARF!"
MIKE: (as Pinky) Especially those nice ones Dr. Leary gives us. Oooo...
Pretty colors...
>The brain looked at his less-than-gifted friend with one eyebrow arched.
CROW: Fascinating, captain.
>Just then, an idea sprang unbidden into his head, like an inspiration sent
>directly from the gods.
MIKE: Alas, the god who sent the idea was Cthulhu, and Brain spent the
rest of his life babbling in Arkham Asylum.
>"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
TOM: Look, Brain, I think Pinky's a little too busy to do any pondering
right now...
>"I think so, Brain. David Hasselhof MUST have made a pact with the Devil.
>There's no other explanation for his success."
CROW: Surrounding himself with half-naked, massively-breasted women _might_
have had something to do with it, too.
>Brain sighed. "While I must agree with you, Pinky, that's not what I meant
>at all. This pheremone has enormous potential."
MIKE: (as Brain) We could corner the world market on Mouse Porn!
>A plan shaped itself in
>his genetically-enhanced mind. "If we could develop a human equivalent to
>this compound, we could spray it world-wide. The humans would be so
>preoccupied with sex that they would never notice us Taking Over The World.
TOM: Well, Bob Dole might notice.
MIKE: No, he's on Viagra now, remember?
>Now quit humping that bottle and come along.
CROW: (as Pinky) I'm trying! *ungh* I'm _trying!_ *grunt* Just turn up the
Barry White music and give me a couple of minutes!
>We have work to do!"
CROW: (as Brain) The Earth isn't going to conquer itself!
TOM: Come _on_, Crow. Stealing riffs from the Chicken Men of Krankor?
Is that what you've sunk to?
CROW: You, sir, can bite me.
>Pinky climbed down off the tall flask of XMF62 and followed the Brain.
>Turning, he waved. "Good bye, Rosy! I'll be back to see you soon. NARF!"
MIKE: (falsetto) Not if I get my restraining order!
>His love-lorn sigh echoed in the tragic night.
CROW: Ah, the classic tale of the love between a mouse and a beaker.
[holds a hand to his "heart"] It gets me here every time.
MIKE: [clutches his stomach] It gets me _here._
>"You know, it's very bad manners to interrupt a bloke when he's having
>relations with his fiancee," he chastised the Brain as they made their way
>back to the cage.
TOM: I think Dear Abby said that in her last column.
>"Humping a glass bottle is hardly relations with one's betrothed," replied
>the Brain.
CROW: (as Brain) You could at least try aiming for a concave surface!
>"Now pay attention Pinky. This is my plan for using XMF62
>human analogue to Take Over The World."
MIKE: Take Over The World is a registered trademark of Acme Labs and is
not to be used without permission.
>He revealed a detailed chart showing him mixing chemicals, then Pinky and
>the Brain flying over the world's largest cities
CROW: (as Brain, stoner voice) You see, we just sniff these chemicals, and
we'll fly allllll over the world, man...
>in a bomber-like aircraft spraying all the
>inhabitants below, with humans copulating furiously as the Brain assumed
>the crown of Supreme Emperor of Earth. "What do you think?"
TOM: (as Pinky) Very, very little.
>"Well, I think aliens would have a very hard time having anal sex with a
>penguin," replied Pinky.
MIKE: (screaming) POKEY THE PENGUIN DOES NOT APPROVE, YOU... YOU... ITALIAN!
[pauses] I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me...
>"No, you idiot!
CROW: (as Brain) It'd be easy!
>What do you think about the plan to Take Over The World!"
>Screamed the Brain, thwacking Pinky over the head with a long pointer.
>"NARF! I think it's a very nice plan, Brain. Really truly I do," gushed
>Pinky.
MIKE: I would definitely _not_ want Pinky in my Quality Assurance group.
>"Good," said the Brain. "Now let's get to work. Hand me that flask
TOM: (as Brain) I needsh my medishin... *hic!*
>and go turn on the bunsen burner."
MIKE: You might want to think that over, Brain. Pinky and open flames.
BAD combination.
>All through the night, they toiled. Great
>flashes of light punctuated the musical bubbling of test tubes. Again and
>again, Pinky was sent back and forth to the supply lockers to get various
>chemicals and formulations.
TOM: (sarcastically) Not to get him out of the way, oh, no.
>As the moon set, an evil green glow illuminated the Brain from below.
CROW: (as Brain) I shall call it - FLUBBER!
>A tall beaker of percolating vitrious fluid shone with its own malevolent
>radiance.
MIKE: Ah. Diet Pepsi.
>"This is it, Pinky!" he cried, holding the beaker with a pair of
>tongs. "The molecules contained in this beaker will cause male humans to
>become so sexually aroused they'll make love to a pitbull.
TOM: I've got an Oscar comment, but I think I'll just let it pass.
>Governments will crumble. Riots will break out. The world will be on
>the brink of war!
>Then, when things REALLY get bad, I'll step in and fix them.
CROW: (as Brain) I'll simply initiate "Project Naked-Pictures-of-Roseanne"!
>They'll have no choice but to appoint me Supreme Ruler of Earth. By this
>time tomorrow evening, I will Rule The World!"
MIKE: (as Brain) Or at least I Will Totally Rule! Dude!
>"Egad, Brain! Brilliant. Naaaarf! Hee hee hee."
TOM: He said the same thing about New Coke.
>The Brain looked around. "We still have to test the formula. I know!
>we'll spray it on the first researcher to come in today. Come along Pinky,
>or I shall have to hurt you."
CROW: (as Pinky) Ooh, goody! Can I wear the leather underpants while
you do it?
>ACME LABS: Project Journal
>PROJECT: XI839Q - Code Name "X-Scent"
>TECHNICIAN: R.James, employee number 342593
TOM: (singing) It's a very freaky fic, the kind you wouldn't show to
mother...
>Don't know what came over me today. Lisa Fingletter smelled so good. I
>couldn't help myself.
CROW: (as R.James) She was _delicious_ with a little drawn butter...
>I kept looking at her tits and thinking how good it
>would be to bury my face in them and not come up for air for a month.
MIKE: He's going down, DOWN into the cleavage, DOWN...
>Before I knew it, I was ripping off her lab coat and licking those tasty
>little nipples.
TOM: (as R.James) Mmmmm! Minty!
>"Stop, Robbie!" she cried, but there was no stopping me.
>I think my cock was harder than it has ever been. I munched away at her
>nipples and breasts like there was no tomorrow.
CROW: (motherly) You kids today... What you should do is put those breasts
in a nice savings account so you'll have some for a rainy day.
>Pretty soon, she was
>breathing heavy. Classic arousal response to simulation of high
>nerve-ending density areas. I pulled up the short skirt she was wearing
>and tore off her flimsy little lace panties.
TOM: (as Lisa) Hey! Those cost $5.95, you jerk!
>I was surprised to see that
>Lisa, the most conservative female in our group was wearing such sexy
>underwear!
TOM: Lemon Cliche #8: Prudes are sex machines at heart.
MIKE: Check.
>Screaming with primal lust,
MIKE: [beats his chest] AHHHEAHHHHH!
>I lapped at her pussy. I tongued
>and nibbled her clitoris until she was screaming for release.
TOM: (as Lisa) LET ME GO, YOU PERVERT!
>Then I took
>my steel-hard battering ram and thrust it deep into her tight little pussy.
CROW: (as R.James) But then I found out about the little guys with boiling oil
who were defending her ramparts...
>I came immediately, but my cock stayed stiff.
MIKE: The rest of him, however, collapsed into a pudding-like goo.
TOM: (as Brain) I believe my plan has a fatal flaw.
>This is contrary to normal
>human sexual response. In most males aged 27-35, the penis usually
>experiences a period of deflation after orgasm
TOM: *Fsssssssh...*
CROW: Along with their rubber women?
>lasting from 15 to 35
>minutes. Not this time, though. I fucked her for hours without going
>soft. I must have cum a dozen times, maybe as many as twenty. I lost
>count.
MIKE: (as R.James) I've only got ten fingers...
>I only stopped when I passed out. NOTE: Check XMF62 for possible
>contamination. Hey, wait a minute.
TOM: (singing) Now waaaaaaaaaait a minute! This fanfic makes me wanna -
MIKE & CROW: SHOUT!
TOM: (singing) Throw my hands up and -
MIKE & CROW: SHOUT!
TOM: (singing) Toss my cookies up and -
MIKE & CROW: SHOUT!
TOM: (singing) Come on now!
>Isn't that Bridgette O'Donnell from
>gene testing over there by the X-Ray Gamma Spectromograph? Damn, she would
>look so hot without those safety goggles…
CROW: Or even better with nothing _but_ those safety goggles! *Rowr!*
>The Brain looked down at the dozing lab technicians, still locked together
>in copulation.
TOM: Wow. I've heard of sleepwalking, but never sleep... you know.
>"Hah hah! It worked Pinky, it worked!" He chortled. "Now
>quickly, to the airfield. We only have four hours to spray the entire
>world."
CROW: They're on a tighter schedule than Santa!
>They hefted two large containers of the pheremone formula onto a
>hand-truck and made a fast getaway.
TOM: (nasal announcer voice) ...with Elliot Ness and his men in hot pursuit!
>As they hurried to the airbase, the Brain sprayed a mister
MIKE: Whoah! Look out, everybody - he's coming after us!
TOM: Nooo! I don't want to be a super-perv!
>filled with the
>concoction at everyone who stood in their way. The results were
>predictable. One business man seriously injured himself trying desperately
>to copulate with a department store window's mannequin.
CROW: Kim Cattrall! NOOOOOOO!
>"It must have been
>cold where they modelled that dummy, Brain," giggled Pinky. "Her nipples
>are quite pointy. NARF!"
TOM: (as Brain, flatly) I'm _so_ glad I brought you along.
>At last, they reached their goal.
ALL: BROADWAY!
>The USAF Security Police at the base
>gate decided go visit their wives after a hearty sniff of the pheremone,
CROW: Well, all of them except the two who decided to head into the supply
room together...
>and the two lab mice made their way unimpeded to the B-2 hanger.
>"Now Pinky, when we reach 45,000 feet release the compound," called the
>Brain from the First Officer's seat.
TOM: (as Pinky) But, Brain! We can't just let the Branch Davidians go!
>"Allowing for the effects of the
>El-Nino and the low pressure area off the coast of California, the
>jet-stream shift should spread the augmented human attraction pheremone
>across the entire world within 48 hours.
MIKE: Hopefully, it won't spread to 60 Minutes.
>Then The World Will Be MINE!"
TOM: Brain, if the world is filled with people humping mannequins and
pitbulls, YOU CAN HAVE IT!
>He taxied the huge bomber onto the runway and took off into the night air.
CROW: Okay, I guess we're just supposed to assume that Brain rigged up some
sort of pulley system that would allow him to pilot this massive,
human-sized bomber...
TOM: Who needs details here? This is a lemon! The only details we need
are in the sex scenes! Lurid, graphic details that leave nothing to
the imagination!
[Mike and Crow turn to stare at Tom.]
TOM: I was being _sarcastic._
>At the controls of the massive aircraft, Pinky stared at the altimeter.
MIKE: (as Pinky) Airplane goes up, airplane goes down. Airplane goes up,
airplane goes down...
TOM: (as Brain) Stop it, Pinky! I'm getting airsick back here!
>He hitched up the collar of his leather bomber jacket and muttered to
>himself.
CROW: (as Pinky) Eat your heart out, Chip! Gadget's gonna be _mine_ now!
>"Only three thousand feet to go." Turning to the rear of the aircraft, he
>called "Pinky! Pinky, get ready to release the containers!"
TOM: Er, is Pinky talking to himself?
MIKE: Must've been a typo earlier.
TOM: Nuts. I had all these Schizo jokes lined up...
>There was no reply. "Pinky! Where are you?"
MIKE: Pinky?
TOM: Puma?
MIKE: Chief?
CROW: McCloud!
>"Over hear, Brain!" shouted Pinky.
MIKE: (as Brain) Of course I can overhear you! You're shouting!
>He was staring adorably at a tall flask- the XFM62 which he had smuggled
>aboard along with its human analogue.
TOM: Oh, yeah, you'll get a much richer sound from an analog human than a
digital one.
>"You'll like my friend the Brain, Rosy," he addressed the
>glassware. "He's really very nice, and we're going to rule the world
>tomorrow, or Thursday at the latest."
TOM: This must be Thursday... I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
>"How many times do I have to tell you, that's not a girl!" raged the Brain.
CROW: (as Brain) Look at the stubble! And do you see the size of that
Adam's Apple!?
>He put the bomber on autopilot and stomped back to where Pinky was humping
>his disgustingly engorged member against the flask's slick glass sides.
MIKE: How romantic. All we need now is some wine, a little soft music,
a couple candles, and a BIG METAL BUCKET FOR ME TO PUKE IN! GAH!
>"A little privacy, please! NARF!" cried Pinky, attempting to hide his
>beloved's imaginary genetalia from sight.
TOM: Ooooh, dig that sexy, sexy 65mm line! *Rowr!*
>The Brain, overwhelmed by disgust for his friend's idiocy, aimed a smashing
>blow to the midriff with a handy wrench.
MIKE: [holds hand up] Wait, I call foul.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: Earlier in the story Brain needed help lifting a _bobby pin_, now
he's swinging massive steel wrenches?
TOM: Just relax, Mike. Use cartoon logic; they could pick up an elephant
if It's In The Script.
>He missed, smashing the mousey sex pheremone and drenching
>both himself and Pinky, splattering the strongly scented fluid all over the
>interior of the bomber.
MIKE: (as Brain, very calmly) Pinky, whatever you do, _don't breathe_ until we
stop by a 7-11 and pick up one of those pine-scented air fresheners.
>What ensued could best be described as cartoon chaos.
CROW: Falling anvils?
TOM: People hitting each other with mallets?
MIKE: Oh, geez, you don't suppose the author means...
>Two frenzied mice furiously humped away at anything and everything that
>looked like a female mouse.
ALL: AUUUUGH!
>And in their state EVERYTHING looked like a female mouse.
CROW: (as Pinky) Brain, what are you doing back there? Brain? Brain!?
OW! OWWWW! EYYYOW!
>Pinky
>grunted out tiny spurting orgasms on all the computer mice, sobbing
>hysterically his grief over betraying his fiancee Rosy Palmer.
TOM: Well, she's dead, so it's not really betrayal.
MIKE: He sure does have a strange way of mourning, though.
>The Brain, normally immune to the call of the flesh,
MIKE: Is there a vaccine for that?
>made up for a lifetime of
>abstinence by proving himself to be the consumate mouse-cocksman.
CROW: (as Brain) Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!
>Nothing
>bigger than a thimble and smaller than a loaf of bread escaped ravishment.
>In short order, the interior of the huge strategic bomber was all a-sparkle
>with a thin glaze of mousey semen.
CROW: Stay where you are, breakfast.
TOM: This isn't happening...
MIKE: Glaze. Glaze. I'm never going to be able to eat donuts again.
>"Beep! Beep! Beep!"
MIKE: Hallelujah, the censors have finally arrived!
>sounded the low-fuel alarm.
TOM: (singing) Ding! Ding! Ding! Went the trolley!
Beep! Beep! Beep! Went the low-fuel alarm!
MIKE: You're not exactly Hammerstein there, Tommy.
>The bomber had been in a
>tight holding pattern for the last four hours,
CROW: Just like Pinky and the Brain had been.
>exhausting it's store of jet
>fuel while the two mice sodomized everything in sight.
CROW: Just like Pinky and the Brain exhausted their...
MIKE: Crow? Shut up.
>The Brain, collapsed on a flight planning chart,
TOM: (as Brain) Oh, Portugal, you were FANTASTIC!
>heard the alarm and sat straight up.
>"Pinky! We've got to eject. The plane is about to crash!"
>"Oh, goody. I love ejecting!" cried Pinky, gleefully. "This is just like
>that other time we tried to take over the world and had to eject. How come
>we always have to eject, Brain?"
CROW: (as Brain) Because if we don't we'll get blue balls, okay?
>"Never mind, Pinky. Just put on the parachute. I'm sure you know how to
>do it by now."
>"NARF!" The two horny mice floated softly to land on the top of the Acme
>Labs research facility.
MIKE: (falsetto) Ooooh, isn't that conveeenient?
>Epilogue:
MIKE: Angels, you're going _back_ undercover!
>ACME LABS: Project Journal
>PROJECT: XI839Q - Code Name "X-Scent"
>TECHNICIAN: R.James, employee number 342593
TOM: (singing) It's not right! IT'S NOT RIGHT! This fic's not right...
with me...
>Results of mouse female pheremone formula XFM62 remain inconclusive.
>Researchers have been unable to explain the bizarre effects experienced
>yesterday,
CROW: (as R.James) The whole Bring-Your-Own-Booze-Day thing didn't work out
too well.
>nor has anyone been able to account for the missing flask or
>ingredient elements. Some staff members have been questioned about
>pilferage, but none have been charged. Some residual effects have been
>noted, particularly in experimental subjects PNK3 and BRA9.
TOM: The cover-up began. Pinky and the Brain were destroyed, along with all
records of the experiment. [pauses and looks around] Okay, I'm getting
dark here, I know.
>Subjects
>appear to be in constant state of arousal and are taking turns copulating
>with their water bottle, food dish, exercise wheel, and any small item
>placed in their cage.
CROW: (as Brain) Pinky, why does the water in the bottle taste so salty
all of a sudden?
TOM: Ooog.
CROW: (as Brain) And why are our food pellets all soggy?
TOM: Oooooog.
CROW: (as Brain) And...
MIKE: Crow? Shut up.
>Other mice respond similarly in the presence of PNK3
>and BRA9, who we have been forced to separate from the other subjects in
>order to protect them from been forcibly sodomized. NOTE: Recommend study
>be discontinued until more stringent research protocols can be initiated.
CROW: (as R.James) We'll use a Ziplock baggie to hold the formula this time.
Screw twist-ties!
>"Not now, deary," Pinky addressed the water bottle breathlessly. "I'm too
>exhausted."
TOM: Damn, Woman! I just gave you sweet lovin' five minutes ago! You
tryin' to kill me?
>"I think the effects of the pheremone are wearing off," wheezed the Brain.
>"That exercise wheel looks mighty fine, but I just can't get it up right
>now."
MIKE: That's okay, you and the wheel can just snuggle.
>"Aw, and we was just getting along nicely, weren't we darlin'? NARF!"
CROW: (as Wheel, flatly) Uh, yeah. You were incredible.
>"Shut up and try to get some sleep, you idiot! We've got a lot of work to
>do tomorrow night."
>"Why, Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night?"
TOM: (as Brain) [long pause] I thought _you_ knew!
>"The same thing we do every night, Pinky: Try To Take Over The World..."
MIKE: (as Pinky) But Xena's on tomorrow night!
CROW: (as Brain) Oh. Never mind then.
>They're Pinky,
>They're Pinky
>And the Brain Brain Brain Brain….
MIKE: NARF!
CROW: POIT!
TOM: ZORT!
MIKE: Great job guys, let's get out of here.
[Mike picks up Tom and exits stage right, followed by Crow.]
[Theatre]
[1]
[2]
[3]
[4]
[5]
[SOL Bridge]
[Mike and the Bots stand groggily at the bridge.]
MIKE: Okay, what was so important about that little lemon that we had to
read it THIS EARLY!?
[CASTLE FORRESTER]
[The castle is decorated with balloons and a large banner reading "Eventual
Victory!" The Mads are celebrating, wearing party hats and generally
whooping it up.]
PEARL: Ah, Nelson - you don't know it yet, but you _really_ saved our bacon
this time!
BOBO: Way to go, Mike! I knew you had in in ya! Great job gettin' rid of
the competition!
[SOL]
MIKE: What? What did I do?
[CASTLE]
PEARL: You don't think I'm the only one out to conquer the world, do you?
[exchanges glances with Bobo and Observer, who laugh knowingly] No,
there's another one out there, and you just _ruined_ his plans! YEAH!
[SOL]
TOM: Oh, _great_ job, Mike.
MIKE: But... but...
[CASTLE]
PEARL: No need to be humble; we couldn't have done it without you! Did you
get all that Brain Guy? Did it transmit alright?
OBSERVER: Of course. Every obscure reference, every song cue, every
grammar flame and all the original spooge.
PEARL: Hoo-ah! [Puts an arm around Bobo and Observer's shoulders] You know,
boys, as much as it disgusts me to touch you, we did a great job this
time.
BOBO: Aw, it was nothing.
OBSERVER: (flustered) Oh, Pearl, you'll make me blush.
PEARL: Shall we?
OBSERVER: Why not?
ALL: BWA-HA-HA-HA! [continue to laugh as they walk off the stage]
[FWOOSH TO BLACK]
[After a beat, Pinky and the Brain walk out on the black screen. Brain is
dressed in a three piece suit, while Pinky carries a large sign that reads
"Vote Brain + Perot in 2000."]
BRAIN: Curse that Pearl, Pinky! With my Hypno-Ray and Perot's fortune, I
could have walked away with the next presidential election! But now
that this horrible story has been MiSTed, I won't be able to show
my face in public! The original lemon was bad enough, but with all
the lame riffs they made about it... [hangs his head down in defeat]
...no one will take us seriously again.
PINKY: I don't think anyone took us seriously before, Brain.
BRAIN: [casts a cold glare at Pinky] Let's just get back to Acme Labs.
Come along, Pinky we need to prepare for tomorrow night.
PINKY: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world
before Pearl does!
---------------------------------------------
PINKY AND THE BRAIN: PROJECT X-SCENT
A Production of MYSTERY USENET THEATRE 3000
MiSTed by JEFFREY RAY ROBERTS
Original Story by HAL LARSON
-==-
Comments? Criticism? [hopeful pause] Fan mail?
Send some email to jr_roberts1@hotmail.com
Or, visit my website at https://www.angelfire.com/co/ConHugeCo
Case sensitive, no warranty implied, not valid in all fifty states.
Sorry, Tennessee!
-==-
Why was this story chosen?
For some series, lemons are a dime a dozen. Sailor Moon, Tiny Toons,
Thundercats and even Transformers have many, many naughty stories
featuring their characters in compromising situations.
This little piece, however, is very rare, as it is one of only two
Pinky and the Brain lemons to be found on the internet. The other,
alas, has been lost to time and Format C:.
-==-
Ramblings of the moment:
Anyone out there read alt.tv.tiny-toon.fandom back in '94-'95?
That newsgroup had a serious effect on my mental development.
-==-
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 characters are copyright Best Brains Inc.
Pinky and the Brain are copyright Warner Bros.
"Pinky and the Brain: Project X-Scent" is copyright Hal Larson.
For what it's worth, this MiSTing is copyright Jeffrey Ray Roberts.
-=April 2, 1999=-
>In short order, the interior of the huge strategic bomber was all a-sparkle
>with a thin glaze of mousey semen.
MIKE: Wait a minute! Why was this so urgent? The election's more than a
year away! How come we had to get up so early?
PEARL: Okay, you caught us, Nelson. We did it becuase we wanted to squeeze
every little bit of suffering out of you that we could.
MIKE: Fine then. I'm glad we cleared that up... Hey!
Enjoy the funky breakbeats of 2 Bad Mice.