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Jan.22,2003

I saw her the other day, she drove past me while I was at work. You know what I did I started to cry. I keep going back to a comment she made that I just can't get over. But I will leave that story alone. I offically have 9 more days of work. But I am still looking for a job. I apparently had a phone call from Sam's Club, they were supposed to call me back yesterday never did so I am stoping in stores tonight while I am at work to get apps. But I have to go now I have to shave for work.

Jan.18,2003

Well where do I begin. I am mad because I missed what I would have to guess was a great concert. I am happy because I gave my boss my 2 week notice that I am quitting. And confused becuase I don't know what to do anymore.
Oh like I was saying at youth a few months ago about my sister moving back in well she is, for the next 10 weeks she will be living in the house again, only this time she has to follow rules, namely mine.
Has anyone ever went without talking to someone they really care about for a good length of time? Well I have and you know what it's hard, I hate it alot, but I honestly don't know what to say to her anymore, if I tell her certain things then she might leave and if I go without talking to her then I am constantly thinking of her. I try to stay busy but it doesn't work I keep going back to her in my mind. Well I have to do somethings now I will talk to you later if you want to and if you know me im me or call the cell.

Jan.17,2003

Latley I have been yelled at by a few people about talking about death and they have givin me some pretty good reasons to stay alive. Yet the two people who's advice I respect have not givin me any good reason's. They make it seem like I am not around. When I am givin a reason by those two I will let you know.



Jan.17,2003

Can U Help Me Verse 1 Living on the edge out of control And the world just won't let me slow down But in my biggest picture, was a photo of you and me Girl U know I try I work hard to provide all the material things That I thought would make U happy I'm confused can U make me understand Cause I try to give U the best of me I thought we we're cool maybe I was blind But never took time to see
Chorus Will U help me Tell me what you want from me Can U help me Tell me why U wanna leave Baby help me Without U my whole world is falling apart And I am going crazy Life's a prison when you're in love alone I need U to come back home I don't wanna be alone
Verse 2 Girl I put your love up on a shelf And I guess I just left it to die And now we're not together 'Cause I hurt U too many times And now you're not around I wish for every moment of time that got wasted We used it to make sweet love Baby be my guide please take my hand I want U to know that I got U if U need it Don't wanna be on the outside looking in I gotta have U girl can't U see
Bridge Please stay don't go I don't want it to be over Give me another chance I wanna be your man Girl U got me Down here on my knees Cryin', beggin', pleadin' I'll do anything for your love

I wish for every moment of time that got wasted We used it to make sweet love. Not once have I thought that thought about a person. That has always and will always be the last thing on my mind about anyone.

Latley this has been my theme song. At one point I thought that if I bought someone things that might actually do something but I slowly realized that it wouldn't work, so I stopped. I thought if I told them how I felt that that might work. It didn't. So I don't know what to do nemore I can't sit around and do nothing but I don't know what to do. If I try to be just friends I don't know what would happen when I would be around her, if I keep telling her what I feel even though I feel she needs to hear it I am afraid that I will push her away. If you have ne suggestions would you please email me my adress should be at the bottom of the page. Ok thanks.

Jan.17,2003

Let me just say something like I have been saying in the past few days. I should have never changed my mind. I was happy for her for a while, then she told me something and that sorta changed how I think about her. I still and will always care for her as much as I do now, but it is getting so much harder to talk to her knowing a piece of information that I was told. I was so disappointed in her that I didn't know what to say.
I to also believe there is a reason for everything and that God is that reason, but lately my belief is that God is trying to screw me. I once again know I am going to piss someone off but I honestly don't care nemore. If you get mad at me so be it.
I had a conversation today with someone I am slowly trusting everything with and they asked me if I was leaving the church, I told them I honestly didn't know because of the upcoming Peru trip, becuase if I went I am not sure what would happen around someone for the 10 days that I am around them night and day, but as of this point I am not leaving the church, I just won't be around for a while at youth and someother functions. I am sorry I will keep in contact with most of you.
And to her and him you know I hate not talking to you but that is the only way you two are probably going to be happy with this whole thing. No matter what I say you two probably don't care since you have each other. And with that I am probably going to end this day's new's peice. Good Morning to you all and Goodnight also.

The reason I was not a youth Sunday night is because I am sitll debating on wether or not to leave. Right now I have ended all my relationships with everyone, until I can think clearly. I hate to do it. But tonight I realized something. There has not been a good reason for me to stay around. Constantly in my life people have given me no reason to stay around. I thought heavily tonight about suicide. For the last few days I have kept coming back to suicide being an answer for this whole problem. She would have one less person pissing her off, she would have the guy she wanted, and there would be one less person to possibly hurt her verbally, mentally, or emotionally.




1...I HATE THE RELATIONSHIP I DID TO MAKE YOU HAPPY...2 I DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIM...3I DO WANT TO KILL SOMEONE EVERYTIME I TALK TO YOU BECAUSE EVERYTIME I TALK TO YOU YOU SAY SOMETHING OR TELL ME SOMETHING YOU DID TO HURT ME...4 YOU COULDN'T GET PAST THE SUPERFICIAL THINGS TO FIND OUT IF YOU HAD THE FEELINGS...5 I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO MAKE YOU HAPPY...6 I CAN'T DO NETHING RIGHT FOR YOU...7 I SOMETIMES WISH I WOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU NETHING BECAUSE YOUR LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH SIMPLER WITH OUT ME IN IT...8 WHEN I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE IT IS NORMALLY ME I HAVE BEEN COMPTEMPLATING WAYS TO KILL MYSELF SINCE LAST TUESDAY Kameccolo 10: I ALMOST DROVE MY CAR OFF A BRIDGE INTENTIONALLY BUT YOU KNOW WHY I DIDN'T Kameccolo 10: BC I KNEW MY GMA WOULD MISS ME Redballa10: all of us would miss you.




I honestly don't feel neone would miss me. I hate to say that and I know it is going to piss some people off but you know something, I am slowly starting to not care what people think, because it seems like some of you that I know don't care nemore. No one has given me a good reason to stay around, and no one is making an effort to give me a good reason. I hate myself right now. You want to know why. It's because I am pushing the one thing on this plane that I care about next to God. I am honestly and forgive my langauge an asshole, namely because I am even thinking and saying stuff like this. I know after my conversation with her tonight that I pushed her out of my life and she is never going to talk to me again. I was told tonight that I try to make people feel sorry for me intentionally. Number 1 I have never tried to make people fell sorry for me, Number 2 if you did I never knew about it. This is by far my most downtrodden update, but you know what you probably don't care. So bye.


Jan.9,2002

First off I cannot leave this site this is my only form of expression anymore so my comment about yesterday being my last entry is no longer true.
Second of all, all of you who are mad at she and he will not understand why they are doing to what they I are doing I begged them so they could be happy. So I beg of you to forgive them. They are going through so much pain because you are all mad at them. This is something I begged them to do. I don't know if I really meant it but I know right now she is happy with him, and right now that is all that matters to me. So please from the bottom of my beating heart forgive them. I do not ask you this for the fact it would make me happy for a fleeting moment but I ask you to do this for the fact they cannot handle all of the pain you are putting them through along with what I am putting them through. This is all I can ask of you I cannot ask of anymore. So please just forgive them.


Jan.8,2003

With a heavy heart I must say this is my last entry. Forever I will not be coming back anytime soon to anything I do. I done. Everything I have ever wanted has been given to someone else. This time the one thing I wanted was given to my best friend, my brother. This hurts me so much to do. But it will be the only way things will work out and he and she can be happy. I must not be in the picture. I know how bad this hurts all of you. But I can't be here knowing what I feel for her yet knowing I can't be with her, and my brother can. I put her 2 in my life next to God, yet God screwed me. I put God first and I had asked was that she be mine, for ever a fleeting moment, yet he rejects me.
What am I to do? I am to demdand a man's vengence or do I forgive God and them, for hurting me to no ends. The past few days have been a living hell. To where there is no end. I have to leave and all of you who read this have to let me go. Do not try to call or find me bc you will not. I will not contact you or let you know how I am feeling. All I have ever asked for in the past few months is that the one person I love on this plane that is not my best friend or family is that I could be with her. But constantly I am told no or something bad happens. I do not want to leave because I am afraid I will not be there to help her when she really needs it. I know I am leaving her in good hands. I know that they will treat her just as I would. Every reason why we cannot be together for her is superficial, age, hair, for some reason both of those matter to her. But they don't matter to people whose wifes or husbands are a decade or ever more apart. She and I are 3 years 3YEARS!!!, yet nothing. This is the hardest thing I will ever do I know this with every fiber in my shaking body. I knew this day would come since the day I saw her I knew she would fall for him. I have been in his F@$%ing shadow for 3 years. Everything I have taken up and he has to he has surpassed me in every, be it sports, friends, games, and her. He always gets what I have worked so hard on. He gets it naturally. I put my blood, sweat, and tears into all of that yet he prevails with no effort. He will probably get into my life long dream of playing a professional sport bc he doesn't get any worse. He will with ease get into my dream school which I got denied entrance to. Because of my math scores. He is better than me at school. Math comes so easy to him I worked for 3 years in a freshman math class and barely passed. I take my SAT's and score an 840 with no calculator, the school knew that yet I did not get in. I thought that singing was my only refuge from the pain but every song I hear reminds me of her. Everyone should be happy because I originally said NO, but I heard how much pain she was in and I changed my mind. I am putting her through more pain right this very momemt, and I am deeply deeply remorse about it, I am on the brink of sanity, just because she can't be mine, but she can be my brothers. I don't know what you guys and girls think of me but I know it has changed over the past few months. I can tell by the way you act around me, talk around me, and even the things you do. I used to be invited to things, now I am not even told, until after they happen. That hurts. That is a pain you will never know, you will never know what it feels like to go from cloud 9 to hell. I hope against hope that you never have to go through this. I will end with that.

Jan.8,2003

I cannot end with that today there was a plane crash in North Carolina when I heard that I wished I would have been on that plane. If I died no one would miss me. Poeple say they would but in a day or two they would move on. I have not done a thing on this earth right in 20 years. I thought that I was doing something right when I told her I cared for her as more than a friend. I was wrong. I was wrong to tell her, if I would have never told her she would not be going through what she is. I have repeatedly told her I love her and yet the reasons she does not care for me are so superficial it hurts to no ends. She says that skin color is not one of the reasons but I can not help thinking that it is the only reason. All the reasons she said no were becasue of things I could change. If I could I would I would do it in an instant and I can't help feeling if I could change all of the things that she doesn't like about me she would feel the same way I do.

Last night and early this morning I was in tears because I had to give my best friend the girl I love so she and he could be happy. She begged to change my mind from no to yes, and I did. I know everyone reading is happy I said yes, but you will NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER know how much pain I am going through right now. For the past few days I have been comtemplating ways to die. But I know if I died I would hurt her so much more. I cannot bear to hurt her, but if I stay I do not know what will happen. She called me today at about 11:15 I saw her name on my phone and I started crying. I cried bc she doesn't love me. She loves my brother. I put him in tears last night and this morning that hurt me so much but I did not want to talk to him. I did not want to see him Sunday night. I was ready to beat him to within an inch of his life Sunday. Last night I was ready to kill him, because he is once again getting what I have put my blood, sweat, and tears into, yet I get nothing but the pain. I will never and I mean never get over her, I know this from the deepest depths of my heart. I hope she is happy she got what she wanted from me again. Except this time I will not be around. I so deeply want to be with her, and I gave her to my brother, yet they have the audasity to ask me to stay and try to get through this with them. Them as couple not as friends but as a couple. I cannot be around because of those two. I cannot be in same room as them know what they feel for each other. It pains me to look at her. It pains me to look at him. I know he will treat her like the queen she is. But he cannot do that if I am around. She needs to treated so right because everything else that has went on in her life has been so wrong. I just wish she would realize I could do the same things, I could do them better than he could, I would never ever in a million years do anything to hurt her. All I can say is I will miss each and everyone of you. I will miss you the and you know who you are the most of all.

Jan.5, 2003

It's official my life sucks beyond comparison. I feel like God is doing this to hurt me. I hate to say things like this for the fear of making a lot of you mad, sad, and the fear of making you cry, but some times I feel like death is better than living. I know a lot of you that know me don't like me saying things like this, but it is what I feel. I am sorry to say it, and I know it is going to make a alot of you mad, prolly wanting to cry, but since this is my site I have the power to say what I feel.

Dec.11,2002

I'm bored. That's all.

Dec.8,2002

It's been awhile hasn't it.:) Well just to let you know I have a new job I am a rent a popo or for you people who don't know what that is, it's a security guard. Umm I have been busy workin and playin sports, so that is why I haven't been working on my site. Umm lets see what else. Oh yeah I have this big problem I don't know how many else of you have it but it's called girls, I like one but I can't tell her bc I don't know what would happen and I am afraid of what might possibly happen.

Oct.29,2002

Didn't get the job so I am looking for a new one. This weekend was probably the most fun I have had in a long time. I would just like to say to a few of my friends... Thanks. You should know what it is for. Umm I will try to update my site more often even though no one really checks it, but that is ok, only the cool people check out my site any ways.

Oct.22,2002

I had job interview today. I applied at Target and they will let me know in a few days if I got the job. So pray that I get it so I can quit my old one or work nights. I would like to find another job so I can work certain nights so I can quit my other job completely so if you see or hear of any that aren't food related let me know, ok?

Oct.21,2002

Look I am an ass. I don't listen when I should and I hurt people in the process. The one time I think I am doing things right, I'm not I am doing things all wrong.
People are pissed at me and they should be. I know I have crossed a few people and I am sorry. I wish I could take back all the things I have done or said, but I can't.
2 months ago I did something stupid, and didn't listen to a girl that was trying to tell me something really important and now I know I should have. I quite possibly could have ruined the best friendship I could ever have had with a girl. Now I don't know what to do. People think the only reason I went to church is because I associated it with her, that is all wrong, I went because I was growing spiritually. Maybe I should have grown more in my actions, and mind before I decide to change churchs.
Look to all of you I have hurt or made mad I am sorry. To the girl, I wish I could take back all the things I have said and done and I just wish we could start over. I know we can't but I want to atleast try.

This was supposed to originally be a news page but I guess it turned out to be more of an appology page. Me apologizing to everyone else.

I could have quite possibly screwed up the best friendship I could have ever had. If I could go back and do it all over agian I would listen from the start. In the past few days I have thought about alot of things and learned alot of things. The main thing I learned is when I don't listen people get hurt or they get mad, in my case they tend to get mad. I have never intended to get people mad at me. But you know what, I have brought this upon myself, so I must deal with the consequences. If you except my apology then that is great if not, then that is your decision. I just know I have done what needed to be done.

Oct.21,2002

I hate the way I have been feeling and the way I have been acting towards certain people. There is something going on with me and I don't exactly know what it is so just give me some time to get my head straight. To other people those of you who have crossed me I am doing my best to forgive you.

Oct.20,2002

I have something to say today. My life sucks. Thank you that is all.

Oct.17,2002

I don't really have any news except that I am trying to into UNC for next fall.

Oct.10,2002

I don't know what to say so I will just say this I hate being confused and sick. Enough said.

Oct.9,2002

I learned tonight that guys only have 3 days to find out what is wrong with a girl when she is mad at you, and you have to find out from her best friend. Explain to me why that is.
For the lastest news I am stupid when it comes to women. I think I know them but they now me better than I do half the time. Oh well.

Oct.5,2002

Elizabeth won her soccer game the last one of her career unless she goes to college. Congrats on the win, and I hope you have plenty more in basketball and track.

Oct.2,2002

Life sucks. I need to get away but I don't know where to go or what to do when I get away. Oh well if you any ideas let me know in my guest book.

Sept.30,2002

Some things just make me mad. Every now and then it's people, other times it's the actions of people. I need help, I know I should turn to God and I do but there are times he just doesn't seem to help me out. Girls are the main thing he doesn't seem to help me understand. I wish I did but I don't. Just when I thought I had them figured out I was thrown a curveball. Oh well everyday you learn something new.

Have you ever been kinda depressed and don't know why? I hate it. I need to get out of my daily grind, if you have any ideas let me know what to do.

Sept.29,2002

Stop complaining people if I want to take my friends dinner I will do so. If I didn't want to take them dinner I would tell them no. Today was also kinda fun I worked at a car wash for most of the day, went to a soccer game, and then went to hang out with friends. Oh and I realized something today being single really bites big wind.

Sept.25,2002

Change in plans, I will sing at conference if I am lead to do so again. But other than that it might take some work to talk me out of not singing. Sept.24,2002

Today was a good day. I got some news I didn't like but that is between me and the person who told it to me. I have decided that I need to get a life and stop sitting on my computer all the time. Oh yeah and after I get back from Peru I think I am going to stop singing for a while. And the reason is I have been singing so long I don't know what it means just to listen to other people sing and listen to the lyrics and let them speak to me.

Sept.22,2002

Have you ever had one of those days were you are just mad and you think your mad a person for something you though they did but they had nothing to do with it. I hate when I am like that so to that person I am sorry you know who you are if you don't talk to me and I will explain.
Why is it when you and someone are talking about a relatioship and you two know what is going on someone else comes along and makes it their business. I normally don't mind if someone interjects but when they know nothing about the relationship they should just stay out of it.

Sept. 17, 2002
Ok to all you people who think I am being used by someone, I am not everything I do for her is out of my own free will. She tells me no, I just don't listen all the time. I would do anything for her and she knows that. She only has asked me to do things that are within reason.
If she asked me to do something that is just not within my limits of reason then I would say no. Bringing her dinner is within reason. Getting her a shirt, flowers, and a cd is all within reason.