Jokes Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death. Closing his eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic revealed the true answer. "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?" asked bin Laden. "It don't matter," said the psychic. "The day you die will be made into an American holiday." A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool."You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny."Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28, and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked."I'm the Devil," she responded."Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister." Three women have (a brunette, a red-head and a blond) just died and went to the gate keeper of heaven. He looked over their lives and said that they were to perffect. He said "You need to do at least one more bad thing before you can enter heaven. go down to earth tonight and come back up tomorrow to see if you can enter." So the three women went down to earth and came back up the next morning to see the gate keeper. He askes each one what they did. The brunette said that she robed the First National Bank. The gate keeper tells her to drink the holly water and go into heaven. Then he askes the red-head what she did. She replied "I set Yelllow Stone on fire." the gate keeper thinks for a minute then he told her to drink the holly water and go into heaven. Finally it was the blonds turn. The gate keeper asked her the same question and she replies " I peed in the Holly water!" Rejected Children Book Titles 1. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 2. Strangers Have the Best Candy 3. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 4. You Were an Accident 5. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 6. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 7. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 8. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated next to each other on a plane. The Southern Girl, being friendly and all, said "So, where ya'll from?" The northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."The girl from the south sat quietly for a moment and then said, "so where ya'll from, bitch? Two blondes were walking in the forest one day, when they found some tracks on the ground. The first blonde said, "I know what kind of tracks those are. Those are deer tracks." The second blonde shook her head and said, "No, those are elk tracks." The first blonde said, "No, my daddy showed me those kind of tracks before, and those are deer tracks." Then the second blonde said, "Well, MY daddy showed me these same exact kind of tracks, and I'm sure these are elk tracks." The two of them argued back and forth for about 15 minutes, and then a train ran them over.