Chapter Seven
(This chapter is slightly different from the rest. This one is told from Joey's point of view.)
After the guys all left my room, I let out a deep sigh. They really are great brothers, and I am grateful they want to help, but I don't want them to waist their time on me. I'm not worth it.
I let them down, I let my family down, I let everyone down. I know I did, but I couldn't help it. I was desperate, I felt myself slipping. I couldn't handle the endless days and nights of work anymore... I needed something to help me.
I know it was wrong. There are better ways of dealing with it all, but I chose to go out to the club that night. I chose to try Cocaine. I chose to buy more and use it. I made all the wrong choices that I felt I needed to choose. It felt right to me.
I looked around my room. Johnny obviously felt like I'd be okay sleeping on my own, without Lonnie in the room with me. If they only knew what I plan to do.
I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and settled at the table to write my letter to the guys. I sat and thought for a moment on how to word it, and began to write.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys,
You are all great. I couldn't ask for better brothers then you. Which is why I feel I need to do this. I'm dragging you all down. You're wasting valuable time on me, and I don't want that. I'm going to try and make this quick, before I chicken out or one of you comes in.
I'm sorry I couldn't have been a better brother for you all, and... god this is hard... I love you all so much, and I'm sorry I put you through all of this. I'll be gone soon, so you all can get back to your lives. I know you all love me, and this might be hard on you, but I'm doing this because I can't go through every day knowing I let you down. Again, I'm sorry... and I wish it didn't come down to this, but it has.
... Goodbye, my brothers.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I wiped some tears from my face and walked to the door. I tacked the note to the outside and closed it. I pulled a knife out, and slid down the wall. As I looked down at the knife, I thought about all the things I've done with the guys. All the award shows, tours, traveling, practice, interviews and countless other things.
I was going to miss the guys so much, but I needed to do this. I had already let them down, and I knew I'd do it again. I know I let my fans down. They didn't know about it yet, but when they did find out they'd all be angry. After watching the episode with us on Driven, and listening to what my dad said about me... I knew I had let him down, too.
I closed my eyes, images of my family, the guys, fans... everything that had made up my life running through my head. I felt tears coming, but I didn't bother to try holding them back. I opened my eyes and looked down at the knife again, one of my tears fell onto the blade and slid off to one side.
I took a few deep breaths, and before I could think about how I shouldn't do it, I made the first cut on my wrist. Pain shot up through my arm, but I didn't stop until both wrists were cut.
I could feel myself getting weak, and I was in a trance as I watched the blood drain from me. Then, for the first time, something screamed inside me. Telling me to get help. Telling me I shouldn't let myself die.
It was then I started to feel panic. I tried to get up so I could go get help, but when I did, I knocked the stand next to me over. I stumbled when I stood, and didn't get to far before I fell. I didn't have the energy to do anything else, so I laid my head down and closed my eyes.
| Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight |
