The Darkness
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Have you ever felt alone? So alone that it actually scares you? I have. I have been for the past two years. I don't know why it started, and I can't tell you exactically when it started. I just know that I've been suffering with it.
The feeling is so strong that I feel like I need a release from it. A way out. I've tried different things to help me, but nothing works. I tried burying myself in projects until I have so much on my plate that I can't handle it anymore.
Five times. Five times now I've tried to end the loneliness, the sadness, the stress. And all five times I've stopped myself. But the pain inside grows stronger, and it's getting harder to control myself. The feeling is almost suffocating me, now. Like a giant snake of darkness, wrapping itself around me and squeezing any ounce of hope from me.
I don't know why I keep feeling like this, I don't know how to stop it. I didn't want to tell you guys, because I can't figure out a way to explain it to you. To explain what it feels like to be so alone, even when I'm surrounded by all of you.
I'm so afraid. I'm terrified. The feeling is stronger now, it's more intense. I feel the way I felt last time I tried to end it all... And I don't know if I can stop myself this time. I'm praying that one of you will come in here. Walk in and save me from this blackness that has spread over my soul.
Save me.. because I can't fight it anymore. Because I'm tired of holding on. I feel like I can't breathe again. It's taking every bit of me to resist the urge to just let this monster overtake me. You don't know what it's like. You're lucky.
Small memories, they make me smile. Momentarily. But then that moment passes, and I'm left alone again. Memories aren’t enough anymore.
I hear you call my name as you slip into my hotel room. I don't acknowledge you're presence as you walk into my room. I think that scared you. I hadn't even noticed that I had curled up. You walk over and put a hand on my back, asking me if I'm all right.
No Lance, I'm not all right. You say you tried calling me. Four times? I never heard a ring. What's wrong? I don't know. When it started? I don't know. What caused it? I don't know. You look down at me, a look of worry in your emerald eyes. I look up at you slowly, even though I knew better, and locked eyes with you. You sit back slightly, not sure what to do. None of you have ever seen me like this. you're the first.
You ask me a few more questions, and all you get back is the same three words. I don't know. You're frustrated, I can see. So am I. If you'd ask the right question, I'd probably spill my guts to you. I'm close to that point right now.
Finally, you ask me the one thing you should have asked at the beginning. I let loose a flood of emotion, and words that are a bit jumbled. You bend down slightly, struggling to understand my ramblings. Once I finish telling you my story, there is a silence, almost as murderous as the blackness. You sit, stunned, and try to think of something to say.
Instead you decide it's best to just be here for me. You scoot up on the bed next to me and put a comforting arm around my shoulder. I don't notice the tears running down my cheeks, cascading down and making little wet spots on my shirt. But you do. I know you must be really worried, now. I've never allowed any of you to see me cry.
You talk to me quietly, telling me that it's going to be all right. That you're here for me. I need to hear that. It's always been an unspoken thing between the group. I think I'm starting to realize that maybe that's what is wrong with me. I need to hear that you guys are there for me. I know that can't be all of it, but it's helping to lift the darkness from me. Slightly. Just enough for me to feel I can breathe again.
After a little while you ask me if there's anything you can do. I stay quiet for a moment, and then I look up at you, my face still stained from tears. I tell you that you've already done what I needed to give me more strength. I still need help, but you have helped me more than you know. Then I ask you if you'll stay with me for the night. I'm still afraid I might lose control, and I want you here with me to help me if it happens.
You say of course, and scoot down under the covers with me. I feel safe with you. You're keeping the darkness from me. Thank you, Lance. You tell me I'm welcome, and that I should get some sleep. I nod slowly, and close my eyes. I know I'll sleep easy tonight knowing you're with me.
