The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
Chapter 18
“I can’t believe it, Wolfman. Starr was amazing…so…smart…so understanding. And…after we talked…she just looked up at me…the way she always does, her beautiful green eyes wide…smiling. I thought her finding out about my past was the worst possible thing that could ever happen in my life…but…it wasn’t. It may be one of the best things that ever happened to me…I feel…so…free. I feel like…like I’ve crawled out of some dark cave…come out of hiding.”
Dr. Woolf sat back in his livingroom and watched Todd pace around, manically. His eyes were clear and focused, looking better than he had in weeks.
“Children aren’t like adults, Todd…their simpler, more astute in many ways. Adults are more self-centered, more obsessive…but children, they see the obvious…cut right through the bullshit. They’re more driven by honesty, more driven by instinct than adults. It’s that id versus ego thing”
“But…you don’t get it…she still…loves me…still wants me to be her father! After everything I told her about me.”
“Eventually, Todd…all kids find out there is no Santa Claus …and you know what? They’re okay with it. Why wouldn’t she love you? You’re her father, her protector…and you’ve loved her since the day she was born. Did you think she’d stop loving you when she saw your failings…you’re weaknesses? We don’t stop loving someone just because they disappoint us at times…we may get angry for a time…but, if we love them and believe in their remorse…we try and understand them…and eventually forgive them.”
Todd’s expression darkened as he glared at him.
“I never forgave Peter Manning. I’ll always hate the bastard for what he did to me…but…when he died…I actually mourned him…I cried. I fucking cried like a baby for that…that…devil. How twisted is that?”
“It’s not twisted…it’s natural to mourn your parents…and to want their love, even when their not perfect. I’ve had many young patients who’ve suffered horrendous physical, sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of their parents…and in the end…they would still rather stay with their abusive parents than go into a foster home…or be adopted by others. In the midst of their pain and suffering…they still want to be loved by their mother and father.”
“That makes no sense. Why would they want to stay with someone who hurt them?”
“Well…I don’t want to get clinical…I know how much you hate psycho-babble…but, it has to do with something called ‘attachment.’ It’s a stage in early child-hood development that tells us children form a powerful attachment to those who provide their basic needs from infancy…feeding…holding…comforting…healing, the connection becomes so strong that it seems to take on an instinctive quality…it becomes physiological. That attachment…along with obvious biological factors, of course, make for a bond so strong between parent and child that very little can affect it…even child abuse. Of course…this changes as the child gets older and acknowledges the violence…but the need in that child for the parents’ nurture…for the parents’ love is always there buried deep within their psyche.”
“But…I never got that nurturing garbage from Peter Manning.”
“No…but you got it from your step-mother…and when you were a baby you probably associated her love with his since they were always together. A small part of you still wanted his love, still saw him as your father…perhaps that’s why you cried when he died. It was your need for his love that you mourned…not necessarily the man himself.”
“I think…my mother loved me…but…she left me.”
“At the age of six? That kind of separation anxiety can have a devastating affect on a young child…and when you add emotional, physical…and…sexual abuse into the mix…well, you know the result.”
“Okay…enough of this,” said Todd getting up quickly and turning away from him, gasping for air. “I don’t want to talk about that shit anymore, okay?”
Dr. Woolf nodded and sat back observing Todd looking out the window for a while…and saying nothing. He realized the wounds from Todd’s past would never disappear…but, he was learning to endure the pain…and to live with it.
“You know, Todd…what you did with Starr…telling her the truth like that…coming clean…it was very impressive. It took a lot of guts.”
Todd turned around.
“I’m not brave…I’m a complete coward. If Blair hadn’t told her…I honestly don’t know if I ever could. But…it feels so good now…not to have that hanging over my head like a guillotine. And someday…I want to tell Alma, too.”
“So…everything is good at home?”
Todd looked away.
“No.”
“Is it…Tea?”
Todd nodded slowly then walked over and sat across from him.
“She won’t look at me…she won’t touch me…or let me touch her. I think…I’m afraid she’s going to leave me,” he whispered, closing his eyes and wincing as if in pain.
“Did she tell you that?”
“No…not yet. But…she’s so…distant. She keeps saying that…I betrayed her…not with that hooker, but…with Blair. That…I let Blair use my past to come between us…and, I know she’s right. Tea put all her trust in me…and I think…I really shook her up…I think she’s lost faith in me this time. It’s killing me…knowing I hurt her like that. She just didn’t deserve that…not from me…not after everything she’s put up with from me. I just…don’t know what the hell to do?”
“She needs some time. Tea’s very passionate…about everything…feels things very deeply. She feels betrayed…not only as a wife…but as a woman. Her anger is mixed with jealousy at seeing you with someone else…and, though her rational mind tells her you were drunk…a small, insecure part of her is convinced you wanted someone else.”
“That’s ridiculous. I don’t want anyone else…”
“Yes…I know that…but Tea, that’s another story. And…I think she’s got quite a temper.”
Todd looked over at him and smiled a little.
“Believe me when I tell you everything about Tea is HOT! Her temper…her mouth,” Todd got up and walked around, “her touch…her love. She’s like a fire inside me. And…if I lose her…I’ll go fucking insane. I need her…I need to touch her. It’s weird not…well…you know…being with her.”
“Do you mean, physically…sexually?”
“Hey…hey…I know all you shrinks get your jollies from poking around in other people’s sex lives…but, I’m not discussing my sex life with you. Besides…me and Tea…we…well….let’s just say it would make that white mop of hair curl up into tight coils and pop off your head.”
Dr. Woolf laughed.
“You know, Todd…I was married for many years…and my wife and I had a pretty normal sex life.”
“Yeah…well, Tea and me…we don’t have a normal sex life, we’re making up for lost time…for all those fucking years in my past when I couldn’t even touch her. Now it’s like …we’re…addicted to each other…and not being with her is like fucking withdrawal …I’m going out of my mind. I love touching her…I need it,” said Todd, drifting off. “I miss being that close to her…it’s the best thing there is for me.”
Todd sighed and walked over to the window, looking out across the lake to the top floor of his house, their bedroom.
“There is an implicit trust in a physical connection that nothing else can equal…trusting someone enough to let them use your body for their own pleasure…it takes love to another level. There’s nothing quite like the combination of great love and great sex, is there?” asked Dr. Woolf, smiling.
Todd turned around and smiled back at him.
“No…there isn’t. But…it’s more than that…it’s the honesty in it…”
All of a sudden Todd headed for the door.
Dr. Woolf got up and looked befuddled, but he soon realized that discussing sex with Todd was always risky. He never knew quite what to expect from him.
“What the hell am I doing here dilly-dallying with you? I have a newspaper to run…later, Doc. Checks in the mail…” he said as he bolted from the room and out the door.
2003 Copyright by Trog
FanFiction Home
Home
