The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
Chapter 17
Starr finished blow-drying her long hair and brushed it out smoothly. In the long mirror that hung behind her bathroom door she looked at herself in cotton panties and noticed the tell-tale bulge of the sanitary napkin she had carefully placed there…fascinated by the foreign presence so close to her body. Tea had given her a brand new “teen” bra to wear beneath her clothing and she touched the soft, pink cotton of the rounded cups that covered the slight inflammation of her flesh with wondrous curiosity. Fingering the satin rosette that adorned its center she wondered how her body would change…if she’d be tall like her mother…or petite like Tea.
Raising her arm high up she examined the light, downy hairs just growing beneath her arms and picking up the roll of deodorant that Tea had provided, she slid it across the hollow of her armpits, smelling the baby powder scent.
“Growing up sucks,” she pouted.
Walking to her closet she pulled out one of half a dozen school uniforms and quickly dressed herself. As she laced up her shoes she heard a gentle knock on her door.
“Who is it?”
“Starr…it’s me,” said Todd from outside the door. “I need to talk to you.”
Starr stared at the door then walked over, opening it nervously.
“I don’t have time to talk…I’m going to be late for school,” she said, looking at the floor.
“I called your school and told them you’d be late today. I’ll drive you there later.”
Todd walked into her room and stood there awkwardly, his hands dangling by his sides.
Starr walked back to her bed and sat down…her arms crossed tightly in front of her, her eyes fixed on the floor. Todd walked over to the window and leaned against it, looking out at the bleak weather and cold, misty lake.
Tea had left the house early…no doubt trying to avoid him, and he’d been pacing around for a while working up the courage to face Starr. Finally he began to speak.
“I…uh… don’t know where to begin, Starr. I’m so sorry…I’m not the father you think I am…I never have been. I’m not a hero…I’m just me…just a human being whose screwed up a lot in his life. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Starr…did a lot of lousy things to people that didn’t deserve it. The things your mother told you about me…they’re all true. I did all those things that she said I did,” he said quietly, turning and watching her as her eyes slowly filled with tears.
“Why…why did you?” she whimpered.
Todd felt a tightness in his lungs as if a wide, elastic band constricted his chest and was getting tighter and tighter as he spoke…the pressure of the truth almost unbearable. Walking over to the bed he sat down beside her. She moved away a little.
“I don’t really know. I guess…it has to do with the way I was raised. See…my father…well, my adoptive father, Peter Manning…he was…ah…he wasn’t such a good guy…he was…a very cruel man…very…uh, angry…and violent…and he…uh…he use to…hurt me…a lot.”
Starr wiped her eyes and looked up at him.
“What do you mean? He beat you up?”
“Yeah…he beat me…and…he tortured me…and he starved me…he…uh…he did a lot of bad things to me…almost every day. And I was really angry at him…I wanted to hurt him back…but I was too little to do anything about it…so that anger just stayed inside me…and it grew…and it grew…till one day…it just exploded. And then…instead of Peter hurting me…I turned that anger inside out…and I was the one hurting people. I hurt people the way he had hurt me,” gasped Todd. “I’m sorry, Starr…I’m not making any sense.”
“No…I get it. It’s like when I cut the heads off my dollies…cause I was mad at you and mommy for fighting all the time…so I took it out on them.”
Todd eyes filled with tears, her childish wisdom overwhelming him, her understanding giving him the strength to continue.
“Yeah…kind of like that…accept…Mary Saybrooke wasn’t a doll…she was a real flesh and blood person…with feelings. See…I went to school with her...and I liked her…a lot…but…she liked someone else. When she turned me down I felt rejected and hurt…like she had hit me or something…it hurt like when my father hurt me…and all that anger inside me…it made me want to get back at her…so…one night…at a college party…some guys and me…we took advantage of her being drunk…and…I persuaded them to hurt Marty…to…rape…her. That’s what I did…that’s when it happened.”
Todd turned away from her, shaking, and getting up he walked toward the window swallowing large gulps of air. He looked out on Windsor Lake and wished he could disappear into its beautiful mist and drift away with Starr to a place where his past did not exist.
Starr watched him as he lowered his head and gasped a little.
“You raped her?”
“Yes.”
“Is that how you got the scar on your face? I kinda always wondered.”
“Yes…I didn’t get it then…but it’s related to that part of my past.”
“So…what happened after?”
“There was a trial…and…I…got punished…I went to prison.”
“But…how come you’re not in prison now?”
Todd turned around and walked back into the center of the room, pacing slowly.
“I got out early…I was pardoned.”
“Pardoned? What does that mean?”
“I…when I was being transported to another prison…there was an accident. Our bus hit a car…and I…well…instead of taking off like the other prisoners…I chose to stay and help the kids that were injured…so…they let me out of prison early.”
Starr looked up at him, smiling for the first time and jumping off the bed.
“Cause you were a hero,” she said excitedly.
“No…no…no, Starr,” said Todd, stammering nervously, almost shouting. “I never want you to think that I’m a hero…ever. Everything your mother told you about me was true. I hurt Mary Saybrooke…I…raped her…and…there were others…other women I mistreated. I’m no hero…I wish to God I were…for your sake…and for Alma’s sake…but, I’m not.”
“But…you’re not all bad. You’re good too…that’s why you saved those kids, right?”
Todd felt ashamed and covered his face with his hands, turning away from her. Starr could hear him choking as she walked over to him and placed her hand on his arm.
“Daddy…are you sorry?”
Todd turned to her and nodded.
“Yes…more sorry than you’ll ever know…but, I can’t change what happened, Starr. I wish I could…because you deserve to have a better father, but…you’re stuck with me…me and my ugly past.”
Starr looked up at him as he struggled to stay in control, his face twisted in anguish. Moving closer to him she slowly slid her slender arms around his waste and pulled him to her.
“I have the daddy I want. When I do bad things…you still love…so even though you did bad things…I still love you too.”
Todd cried as he held her close, her embrace feeling like divine absolution…like swallowing the holy sacrament and being temporarily free of sin following his ugly confession.
They were quiet for a few minutes, as Starr rested against him, happily letting go of her anger.
“I’m so sorry, Starr…I never meant to keep this from you. I just…hoped you would be older when you found out.”
Starr pulled away from him and looked up into his moist eyes.
“It’s okay, daddy. I’m grown-up enough…I have my period, you know.”
Todd smiled and hugged her again.
“You know, Starr…you’re the very best thing that ever happened in my life. If you hadn’t come into my life when you did…I’d still be that same, lost man who hurt everyone around him. I know I have a long way to go…I still slip sometimes…but, I couldn’t do it without you. You give me…joy…and make me want to be better…be good...for you. I love you so much.”
Starr smiled up at him.
“Me too, daddy.”
Todd wiped his face.
“So…are we…uh…okay now?”
Starr looked up at him wide-eyed, full of the same childish innocence that he’d been sure was lost to him forever. She smiled and nodded.
“Good…good. Now…come on, get you’re coat. I’ll drive you to school.”
Starr put on her coat and scarf, then took her father’s hand and together they walked down the stairs and out into the cool winter morning, the chilly breeze from the lake blowing the ends of her blue scarf into the air.
“I can’t wait to get to school, daddy. Lisa Webster thinks she’s so cool because she has her period…but now…I have my period too. And…a bra!”
Todd stopped and stared at her.
“A bra?”
“Yeah…Tea bought it for me. Want to see it?”
Todd rolled his eyes and smiled.
“Uh…no…that’s a girl thing.”
“Well, it’s pink…and it has a rose on it…Lisa Webster will be SO jealous.”
When they got into his car, Starr looked over at her father and impulsively reached over and kissed his scarred cheek.
“I’m sorry, daddy…for being so mean to you.”
Todd reached over and caressed her face gently.
“I know.”
2003 Copyright by Trog
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