The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
Chapter 11
Opening his eyes he felt a spoke of intense pain penetrating the center of his skull, a thick spike of agony turning tightly and slowly. As he attempted to lift his head, the pain increased as if that spike of pain was being struck by a hammer with every tiny movement. His body felt rigid and heavy, every muscle knotted and burning as he sat up slowly and looked around at the grim, but familiar surroundings of a gray, concrete cell in the Llanview Police Department…a depressingly familiar place.
As a wave of nausea raced up his throat he lunged toward the metal sink by the wall and retched into it…but nothing came out, only warm, sour liquid circling around his tongue, the taste of the cheap scotch he’d consumed last night. He was empty inside…all the contents of his life lost and purged. Sitting back on the cot, he leaned his weary, throbbing head against the cool, hard wall as the memories of Blair and Starr came back to him. Tears welled up in his blood-shot eyes, stinging and burning as he remembered Starr’s eyes staring at him, filled with fear and loathing.
Images of last night began to flash across his murky memory. He remembered driving around, walking aimlessly along the foggy waterfront and finally stumbling into some bar…and getting loaded. There was lots and lots of drinking until he couldn’t remember anything else.
Todd heard the sound of a metal door sliding and slamming open, the echo hurting his head, and he looked up to see someone entering. It was his sister, Vicki, clean and pure, dressed in pretty sky-blue. She was standing next to a young, Hispanic police officer who opened the cell door and let her in. The officer walked away as Vicki moved slowly toward Todd, shaking her head, the air heavy with her disapproval.
“Oh…it’s the Self-Righteous Police. You’re the last person I want to see. Go away,” he said gruffly, the sound of his own voice hurting his head. “What the hell are you doing here, anyway? How did you know where to find me?”
“Tea called me. Apparently Bo called her last night and told her that you were found in some parking lot on the waterfront, passed out from drinking. She sounded very upset…and incredibly angry with you, so angry that she had no intention of coming to get you out. So…I called Bo, who informed me that you were…sleeping it off…and, here I am. Did you two have a fight? Is that why you’re in this…state?”
Todd looked confused. Tea’s face came to him, crying, angry…had he hurt her? She was with him last night…but his mind ached as he tried to remember the details of what happened. He was in some waterfront bar…but…Tea was there too, somehow. He just couldn’t remember.
Vicki watched him. He looked like hell…black hollows under his red-rimmed eyes, unshaven and his clothes dotted with dry vomit, smelling of alcohol. There were some purple bruises on the side of his face. It had been a very long time since she’d seen him in this condition, his life with Tea had been such a happy one up until now. When Tea called her early this morning…she could hear the anger in her voice as she repeated Bo’s words and said…she simply could not help him this time. She was crying and sounded completely dejected as she spoke. And, now, seeing Todd’s ravaged condition, she knew it was much more than a lover’s spat that drove him to this dark, destructive binge.
“Todd…what’s wrong?”
Todd stared at her, then looked away, burying his face in his hands.
“I want to die…” he said, as the tears seeped through the spaces between his fingers as he remembered what Blair had revealed to his beautiful, innocent child.
Vicki rushed over and sat beside him, alarmed by his response. Taking him in her arms like a little boy, she rocked him against her as he sobbed into her shoulder.
“Todd…honey…what’s wrong. What’s happened? Please tell me.”
Todd pulled away from her and jumped up, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, angered by his momentary weakness.
“Nothing…nothing’s wrong. I want to get the hell out of here, Vicki. What am I doing here, anyway? Is getting drunk against the law now too?”
Vicki stood up.
“Well…no…but, public drinking and vagrancy is. Todd you’re free to go…you just need to pay some fine…or ticket, or something. Bo just let you sleep it off, that’s all. Why don’t you let me take you home. I’m sure Tea has forgiven you by now…she always does.
“No…I can’t go home. Not right now…not like this. I’ll go to the penthouse…get cleaned up first. Where’s my car?”
“It was towed to a police lot…they couldn’t find the keys…they may have been stolen. Your pockets were turned inside out…and empty. Bo thinks you were probably robbed. Do you remember?”
Tea had his keys. He remembered her yanking them out of his pocket…she was so angry. Why?
“No. I can’t remember much. It hurts way too much to think right now. Let’s get out of here.”
* * * * *
The penthouse was rarely used. Now and then he and Tea would stay over if they stayed too long at some local function…or they wanted to be alone, but it had been months since he’d been here. Housekeeping kept it immaculate and fully stocked and as he entered with Vicki he half expected Tea to come running down the stairs…smiling at him.
The place was silent, quiet as a tomb as he looked out the window and down at Llanview.
“I use to love how quiet it was up here,” he said, his back to Vicki, “now…it feels like someone died…like a fucking crematorium.”
“Well…you’re probably use to having Starr and Alma under foot now…it’s a wonderful sound isn’t it, a house full of children?”
Todd gasped at the sound of Starr’s name…knowing that some day Alma would know the truth as well.
“Todd…won’t you tell me what’s wrong? I think you need to talk about whatever is troubling you.”
When he turned his eyes were misty, and his mouth moved as if he were about to talk, but then he shut it again and said nothing as each waited for the other to speak.
“I’m going upstairs…I need to take a shower. Then…I’m going home. I want to speak with Tea…I have to see her.”
Vicki smiled.
“Yes…I think that’s exactly what you need to do, Todd.”
Walking over he gave her a quick hug before turning and running up the stairs.
“Thanks, Vicki, …I’ll be okay now,” he said as he disappeared at the top of the spiraling staircase.
Todd walked into his old bedroom and fished through the drawers for some of his old clothing. Finding a pair of dark pants, some underwear and a black sweater he grabbed them in a bundle and went into the bathroom. Turning on the water he turned the knob all the way to HOT and let it run as he undressed quickly, discarding the offensive clothing, and jumped into the shower.
The water scalded his skin as he soaped every part of his body and rinsed away over and over again…scrubbing at his skin roughly with a wash cloth, leaving it raw and red as if an invisible layer of filth clung to it and he couldn’t get it off. Grabbing the shampoo he lathered his long hair and placed his aching head under the nozzle, letting the hot pressure massage his scalp and wash away all the memories of yesterday. Again Tea flashed across his memory…a hurtful expression in her eyes, her face wet with tears. “You bastard…you bastard,” she screamed. Todd shut off the water and leaned against the wet, tiled wall, shaken and confused, as more images began to emerge from his throbbing subconscious.
Climbing out of the shower he toweled off as the face of a young woman he did not recognize came into his head. Red shoes…Tea, but not Tea…sitting with him in the bar…helping him outside. She was kneeling below him…she was…touching him.
“Oh, no…” he whispered as the memories came flooding back in small, jagged pieces, each one inflicting a fresh wound with their edge. Throwing his head back in agony he remembered Tea walking up to him in the parking lot…and he was…”no…no…no,” he kept muttering to himself as the thick, protective fog of last night’s memories began to lift and the images became clearer and clearer…and uglier.
“Oh, no…oh, Tea…no…”
He stumbled forward and fell against the fool-length mirror behind the door, his naked reflection staring him back in the face. Closing his eyes he began to cry as he pounded the glass mindlessly and looking down between his thighs he focused on the object of all his troubles…that monstrous organ that had hurt and betrayed everything and everyone he loved.
Turning angrily he started rummaging through cabinets and opening drawers, his fingers searching through boxes of band-aids and bottles of lotions, not quite certain what he was looking for when his eyes landed on a pair of scissors. Pulling them out of the drawer he opened them slowly, exposing the blade like a knife as the light glinted off its sharp edge and lifting them high in the air he watched himself bring them down…slowly…toward his pelvis. Placing his wet, shrunken penis in the palm of his hand he held the blade above the tender skin of the shaft and sliced across it quickly.
He screamed out in agony as the sharp pain raced through his body.
Staring at himself, moaning softly as the bright red, blood covered his organ, he concentrated on the excruciating pain, needing to feel the hurt…to suffer the agony of what he’d done to Marty…to Tea…to Starr.
As he stood there in his torment, bleeding, watching the blood trickle to the floor, he heard pounding on the door.
“TODD! TODD! I heard you scream! Are you all right? Open this door immediately,” yelled Vicki from outside the door.
Todd didn’t answer…she knocked again.
“TODD! If you don’t open this door, I’m calling the police…do you hear me?”
Todd grabbed some tissues and swabbed the blood off his penis, though the pain was severe, the cut was superficial. Wrapping it in tissue, he dressed quickly in the clothing he’d brought in with him and wiped up the blood that had spotted the floor, flushing the red-stained tissues down the toilet. Finally…he came out.
“Todd. Why did you scream…I heard you scream.”
“You’re hearing things…I didn’t scream. I’m fine.”
Walking out of the bathroom he stood in the middle of his bedroom, barefoot, his hair wet, his face unshaven…uncertain where to go…or what to do next.
“Todd…why don’t you dry your hair and shave…then, I’ll drive you home.”
Todd walked to the bed and sat down dejectedly, his head and his groin throbbing and burning.
“I can’t go home. I…have no home.”
Vicki balked in frustration.
“This is ridiculous, Todd. You do have a home and I’m taking you there right now.”
Todd looked up at her.
“Go away, Vicki…I…need some sleep.”
“I am not leaving you when you’re like this…”
“Why? Think I’ll do myself in, Viki? Don’t worry…I’m too much of a coward. Leave! I want you to get lost. And if you don’t…I’ll have security throw you out.”
Vicki got angry and grabbed her purse.
“Fine, Todd…if you want to be alone…that’s just fine by me. I’m leaving…and I might not come back…you’re impossible…” she said as she walked out. He listened as her footsteps trailed down the stairs and disappeared after the door slammed shut.
Lying back in his bed, stretching his weary body across the mattress, he closed his eyes and listened to the dark, rhythmic thumping pounding inside his head and filling the silence in the room.
He heard laughter in the distance and felt something flying by, a wing brushing against him as he sat up quickly, gasping loudly and looking all around, his terrified eyes searching for signs of an intruder, but…he already knew who it was.
He had lost Starr…he’d betrayed Tea…he was alone again…alone…with his demons. Lying back, he stared up at the ceiling like he’d done on so many nights in the past in this dark and lonely place. Closing his eyes and lying back as an intense exhaustion overwhelmed him, he braced himself and surrendered, allowing the darkness to engulf him as his devils swooped down anxiously to tear him apart anew.
*****
2003 Copyright by Trog
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