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Chapter 9
As the elevator rode up to the 5th floor Todd watched anxiously as the sluggish lights blinked off and on. He was impatient to see Starr not realizing how much he could miss her in a just a few days…the bond between them so powerful. Perhaps it was because she was his first-born, but it was more than that, Starr had taught him the greatest lesson he’d ever learned… she taught him how to love and for this she would always claim a most significant place in his heart.
Before Starr came into his life…his emotions had laid dormant beneath thick, overlapping layers of hatred, he could only feel betrayal and a blistering rage for himself and everyone around him, but, early on, when he held his child in his arms, he felt his icy, black heart dissolving and feelings that he thought lost to him forever started resurfacing. Starr was the first person to love him without fear or agenda, to look up at him and see something other than what others saw and that love gave him purpose, the strength to carry on the painful and arduous struggle that was his life back then…the need to love and protect her becoming stronger than any other destructive instinct he’d felt before.
Starr was growing up fast, almost eleven, but her innocent love for him was still an essential source of strength for his emotional survival, its purity more potent than anything he’d ever known…a love that heretofore was untainted by anything and anyone and made him feel …cleansed, without sin.
Finally the elevator doors opened and Todd hurried down the hall, eager to reunite with his oldest child. Banging loudly on Blair’s door his heart pounded as he stood back and prepared to take his daughter in his arms and feel her familiar warmth, see her beautiful, toothy smile and to hear her exclaim “Daddy” with the her high-pitch, childish enthusiasm.
He was disappointed when the door opened and Blair was standing there. Rolling his eyes he rushed past her and entered her livingroom quickly looking around for Starr.
“Where’s Starr?”
Blair closed the door behind him as he turned to face her.
“Todd…Starr is staying here…with me,” she said.
Todd stared at her for a moment, then blinked a few times, before he began walking toward the hallway leading to Starr’s room, but Blair ran quickly and blocked his path.
“DON’T, TODD! Starr…doesn’t want to see you.”
“What the fuck are you blabbering about, Blair. I spoke to Starr an hour ago…she knew I was coming to pick her up. We had an agreement, Blair…don’t screw it up. Now…get the hell out of my way if you know what’s good for you.”
“SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE YOU, TODD! HOW MUCH CLEARER CAN I MAKE IT FOR YOU!” she shouted.
Todd hesitated for a moment, then, shoved her roughly out of the way and tried to open Starr’s door but it was locked from the inside. He knocked on it lightly.
“Starr? Open up…it’s me. Let’s go home.”
“No,” said Starr, her voice faint.
Todd turned around with furious speed, a dark flash as he rushed toward Blair who backed away from him and ran back into the livingroom, standing behind the sofa to place a barrier between her and his anger.
“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, BLAIR?”
“Starr wants to stay with me, that’s all.”
“I knew it. I knew I couldn’t trust you…I knew you’d try and pull something like this…you lying bitch. Well…I don’t care what you said to Starr…she’s coming home with me,” he said before he went back down the hall and knocked on her door again.
“Starr! Open this door. NOW!”
Frustrated by her silence he stepped back and hurled his shoulder at the flimsy door, which gave way easily. The door slammed backward, loudly hitting the wall behind it, and as he entered he saw Starr huddled against the wall, her eyes wide with fear, looking terrified at the sight of him. He approached but she shrank back from him.
“NO…DON’T COME NEAR ME! MOMMY! MOMMY…DON’T LET HIM NEAR ME,” she screamed hysterically.
Todd was frozen as Blair rushed into the room from behind, pulling Starr into her arms protectively. Starr clung to her, her face buried in Blair’s yellow sweater.
“She’s not leaving, Todd. She’s afraid of you.”
“Afraid of me? What? What lies have you been feeding her, Blair? Starr…look we can talk about this in the car. Let’s go home,” Todd said softly, not wanting to upset her further, but Starr did not answer him, only continued to hide and cry into her mother’s sweater.
Blair looked up at him, and shook her head.
“Don’t you get it, Todd? She doesn’t want to be with you…she’s terrified of you…because…”
“BECAUSE WHAT, BLAIR,” Todd yelled impatiently.
“Because…she knows. She knows the truth.”
“What truth? The truth about what?”
“The truth about you. About who you are…and what you’ve done.”
Todd looked confused, then…he smiled, feeling a little relieved.
“You mean about, Jack? Blair…I told Starr about that when you went to prison. I’m ashamed of how I treated that kid…but…you weren’t completely innocent either back then. And besides, Starr has forgiven me for that…haven’t you, Starr? Come on, Starr…let’s go home. I…miss you. We all miss you…specially Alma. Let’s go home.”
“NO,” she shouted, crying harder than ever…her face still hidden.
“Not the truth about Jack. I told her the truth about…” Blair hesitated for a moment, raising her head proudly, striking a victorious pose as she delivered her triumphant blow. “I told her the truth about Marty…and what you did to her…and to others. I told Starr the truth…that her daddy is a rapist.”
Todd stood still, dazed and horrified, then, staggered backwards toward the door.
“You what…” he whispered, shaking his head slowly as his eyes filled with tears, everything around him becoming a blur as he gazed at the back of Starr’s head, her hands clinging to her mother and her sobs a deafening, ugly echo that resonated off the walls and ceiling.
Blair watched him…knowing she had struck him a blow that he wouldn’t recover from easily. He was silent, crushed…defeated as he clung to the wall behind him for support, his mouth moving but saying nothing, like some dumb creature struck by a cruel and lethal blow, the wound bleeding so quickly that it depleted him of everything, his strength and courage neutralized in an instant. In that moment he knew that her innocence was lost to him forever, that he would never see that guileless look in her pretty green eyes when she looked at him, only the terrified stare she gave him when he entered…the same terror he once saw in Marty’s eyes…as he raped her.
“Get out of here, Todd. You’re frightening my daughter. Get out,” said Blair, her voice filled with victorious boldness…the blood still dripping from the treacherous sword in her hand.
Todd was still. He wanted to disappear, to leave this place as he closed his eyes letting the blackness of nothingness take him away from here, transporting his heavy, aching body away from the anguished cries of his tortured child.
Staggering blindly into the hallway he stumbled toward the door, tripping and falling against it. Opening it quickly he ran toward the elevator, Starr’s cries ringing in his ears as he punched the elevator buttons over and over again trying to escape from this place. He kept looking over his shoulder as if something was chasing him… an old enemy that was about to overtake him…and destroy him. Finally the doors opened and he rushed in and fell into the corner, his legs crumbling beneath him as his body crumpled into a distorted heap like something broken and useless.
Looking up at the bright, accusing lights above him, he saw Starr’s terrified eyes looking at him and he hid his face in his hands. An anguished cry escaped from his mouth, a pitiful wail that bounced off the walls of the confined elevator, echoing the pain in his soul as he shook and trembled with the tremors of his long, buried guilt…the ugly face of his past finally revealing itself after so long. As he’d always feared…his past had found him again.
When the doors opened, a young, blond woman, holding a laundry basket, stood there looking down at him with a confused expression.
“Mister…are you okay?”
Todd shot up and bolted past her, like some cornered animal suddenly finding an escape route. Sprinting across the lawn to the parking area, running up and down the rows of parked cars in his confusion, he finally located his own. He leaned against it unsteadily as he fished through his pockets for his car keys, his hands trembling violently as he struggled to insert the key into the lock, his eyes blinded with tears. When he was inside…he felt safe, relaxed, taking a deep breathe before turning the ignition and racing off aimlessly into the black refuge of night.
*****
2003 Copyright by Trog
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