The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
(Chapter 5)
(1 month later)
“Hello, Todd,” said Dr. Hadrian Woolf, as he opened the door to his favorite patient, Todd Manning.
Todd entered the small cottage situated directly across the lake from his own house, Dr. Woolf’s previous residence. It had been a few weeks since he’d come for a session, but Starr’s visits with Blair were making him uneasy…perhaps going a little to well. He’d tried talking to Tea, but it was difficult for him to discuss Blair with her.
“I’m glad you came, Todd. I was beginning to think you were cured,” he said jokingly as he directed Todd into a small sitting room at the back of the cottage with a wide view of the lake.
“Ha-ha-ha…very funny. You know very well I’m saner than anyone you’ve ever met. I just speak the truth and nobody wants to hear it that’s all,” said Todd, flopping his large frame into a worn, rattan chair that he always sat in, pushing his long hair back.
“How about a beer,” he asked Todd, as he headed toward the kitchen.
“Sure…you know that’s the only reason I come here anyway, Wolfman…for some male bonding and a beer…too many chicks where I live. You know I think all this psychiatric garbage is bullshit, right?”
Dr. Woolf returned with two open bottles of beer, smiling at his sardonic patient’s sarcasm. Since his retirement from his practice, he saw only a few private patients…Todd Manning was without a doubt the most fascinating, an endless labyrinth of secrets and emotions. He and Todd had forged an informal arrangement where Todd would drop by when he wished, every couple of weeks. They had become more friends than doctor and patient, but…Dr. Woolf had worked long and hard to gain Todd’s trust…and a solid friendship had become a part of their therapy. Todd trusted very few men in his life…his hatred for both his fathers, biological and adopted, so deeply entrenched in him he had learned to despise every male authority figure he’d ever encountered.
“So…how are things going with your ex-wife, Blair? I know the last time we spoke you had great misgivings about letting her see Starr.”
Todd took a long, cool swallow from his beer and got up, staring at the beautiful, white manor house across the lake…his home.
“Okay…I guess. Blair’s been the perfect mother…obeying all the rules we agreed on. Starr’s happy…Tea’s happy. I guess that’s all that matters.”
“And you, Todd…do you share in that happiness?”
Todd turned around, anxious and fearful.
“No. Starr’s spending this weekend with her…alone. My gut tells me something’s wrong.”
“Why? Because you don’t believe she’s changed…that she doesn’t have Starr’s best interest at heart?”
“Heart? Blair has a shriveled, black pit for a heart. See, Doc…I know her! Better than anyone knows her! I know her because I use to be like her…feel like her…feeding on revenge because you’re so dead inside it’s the only thing left that makes you feel anything. She lives to destroy…it makes her feel…excited…powerful…avenged. She can’t forgive…or forget…ever.”
“But…she forgave you giving her child away,” said Dr. Woolf, quietly breeching a subject that still haunted Todd though he rarely spoke of it.
Todd lowered his eyes and looked away from him.
“I keep thinking about that, Doc…I mean, how could she just forgive me like that? I…threw her kid away…I should have gone to prison…or something…but she just accepted it. How could any woman forgive that without going against every biological and psychological instinct inside her?”
“Yes, I agree. It is disconcerting, maternal instincts being the strongest of all biological urges…right up there with self-preservation. It takes a singular type of person to negate such a basic human instinct. Perhaps, she had her own reasons for forgiving you…perhaps one instinct outweighed the other. Her need to preserve her illusion of family was what motivated her so-called forgiveness.”
“Yeah…maybe. But…I threw her kid away! How could anyone rationalize that and turn it into some kind of twisted act of love? It’s gotta do something to you mentally…you know what I mean. How can she forgive herself for forgiving me? Of course…I’m assuming way too much of Blair. She’d have to have a conscience in order to feel any guilt, or self-hatred…and I know she doesn’t have one.”
“Truly. And if she feels no guilt, according to your theory, then she will never feel remorse. The difference is she hasn’t come to terms with her own self-hatred. You for instance…after the rape of Marty Saybrook were filled with self-loathing…a deep seeded, self-hatred that almost destroyed your life, but it also started a long road toward self-discovery. You acknowledged the destructiveness of your consequences which eventually lead to a sincere remorse.”
“Hey…don’t make me into a saint! I…gave Jack away. I didn’t give a fuck about him in that moment…I simply didn’t care. After years of trying to reconcile what I did to Marty…I went right back to that same place. Poor Jack…he’s lucky to be rid of me. He deserves better for a father. I wish…Blair hadn’t forgiven me…I wish…she had done something to me…punished me…but…she just let me get away with it.”
“Your punishment, Todd, is in having to live with what you did…and hopefully, learning something from it.”
Todd looked across the lake, the setting sun sparkling across the water in front of his house.
“Sometimes…when I can’t sleep…I go into Alma’s room and take her in my arms. She’s so tiny…so delicate and completely dependent…her perfect little body so fragile in my hands, and…that’s when it hits me. When…what I did to Jack becomes so real…the thought of it so heavy I can barely breath. It scares me to death…to know what I’m capable of…knowing what I could do to my own, beautiful child.”
Todd’s back was to Dr. Woolf, but he could hear Todd choking slightly and see him wiping his eyes with his sleeve.
“Well, Todd…I don’t believe you’d ever do that to Alma.”
“NO? The truth is…you don’t really know that. And neither do I. I’m…so afraid of myself sometimes.”
“Why don’t we go back to discussing Blair, Todd,” he said, trying to steer Todd away from the subject of Jack which he hadn’t completely dealt with yet.
Todd sat down and faced Dr. Woolf. “Do you believe in pure evil?”
“No. I don’t. Barring a physiological cause I believe every human being possesses the capacity for both good and evil. Evil…like good…is a choice.”
“Yeah…well…okay. But maybe…just maybe…in most people there are equal parts of both, right...but…what if certain people just have more evil in them than good. What if the balance is off physiologically…like in serial killers and sociopaths. Maybe…they just can’t help being evil because it’s the dominant part of them.”
“Is that what you think about Blair? That she possesses more evil than good?”
“Hell, yeah! And don’t forget the Cramer curse. She comes from a long line of loons so she’s automatically predisposed to lunacy. Maybe there’s no real difference between evil and madness. Maybe she was just born with more evil than good.”
“Interesting theory, Todd. The ‘bad seed theory’ is an ancient one but, thankfully, it’s been abandoned by legitimate psychiatry along with demonic possession and phrenology. I see evil as an attempt by one human being to harm another for no other reason than to cause pain and suffering. Tell me, Todd…how do you see yourself? More good…or more evil?”
“You already know the answer to that. If I didn’t have Tea in my life…I’d probably be with Blair…bashing each others brains out and spewing lies at one another with maniacal glee…throwing babies away and playing the gruesome husband to Blair’s bride of Frankenstein in the Manning house of horrors…does that answer your question?”
“Are you saying that Tea keeps your evil at bay? Is that what you believe?”
“Yeah. Don’t you?”
“No. I think you yourself keep your evil nature at bay. Your love for her and for your children is what gives you the strength to control those dark instincts inside you that have driven you to harm others in the past. But…I think it is your doing…not Tea’s. It is your choice.”
“Maybe…but without Tea…I’d be lost.”
“You mean without love you’d be lost.”
Todd looked up at him and shrugged.
“Same thing,” said Todd, slightly embarrassed as he turned his back on Dr.Woolf and walked back over to the window. “Blair…she’s up to something…I can feel it. And my instincts maybe a bit fucked up…but their sharp…and rarely wrong.”
“Well…if you feel that strongly…perhaps, Starr shouldn’t be around her so much.”
“Yeah, but…I promised Tea I’d try to work things out with Blair. So…for now…there’s nothing I can do…but wait for her to strike.”
“Todd…what’s the worst that Blair could do?”
“She could hurt Tea…or my baby. She can try to destroy my family…that’s what. A family is what I once promised her, Doc…and, when Tea came back into my life…I left Blair in a heartbeat. I dumped her and shattered her sick, twisted fairytale world.”
“Well, Todd…I wouldn’t worry too much. Tea and those beautiful daughters of yours love you…nothing that Blair can do will ever change that. Trust that love, Todd.”
Todd swallowed the rest of his beer.
“Yeah…I guess. Who knows…maybe I’m just being paranoid. It’s my favorite instinct, you know.”
“Oh, yes…I know,” said Dr. Woolf, laughing and shaking his mop of white hair as he took a sip from his bottle. Joining Todd by the window, he watched him staring at his large house across Winsdor Lake…like a sentinel, guarding it from a distance. “Don’t worry so much, Todd. At some point you just have to let your guard down and learn to trust others…not just your instincts. Don’t get so caught up in your fears and suspicions of Blair that you lose sight of what’s important. Stop going backward, Todd…just continue to move forward. You’re doing so well.”
Todd sighed, nodding with uncertainty.
“Todd…things are well between you and Tea, right?”
Todd smiled to himself than looked back at his home.
“She’s working now...doing her lawyer thing…I don’t see as much of her as I want. But…yeah, things are good. She’s all of it, you know…my whole, fucking world,” he whispered.
Dr. Woolf smiled. Todd Manning’s passions were as powerful as his dark manias. He could never love anyone rationally or hate anyone rationally…his emotions far too excessive and primal…his instincts too powerful to ever fully control…like some exotic, caged beast, impossible to domesticate.
“Ordinarily I would tell my patients it is dangerous to make someone your whole world…but in your case…and having gotten to know your beautiful wife…I can’t say that I blame you.”
Todd turned to him, one eyebrow raised in mock astonishment.
“You have a thing for my Tea, don’t you…I’ve seen the way you check her out…that lascivious smile on your face when you come over pretending to discuss cuttings and fertilizers…you don’t fool me for a second,” said Todd, finishing his beer.
Dr. Woolf laughed out loud.
“Well…I guess you caught me. And if I weren’t such an old geezer you’d have a fight on your hands.”
Todd smiled briefly.
“You’d lose,” he said, staring Dr. Woolf in the eye, with a warrior’s resolve.
“I know.”
Todd handed Dr. Woolf the empty bottle. “I gotta go. Tea and I are going out to dinner with a couple of her friends…so I need to prepare myself psychologically for a long, boring evening of making mindless chit-chat, feigning an interest in other people’s lives and practicing my good table manners. The things I do for that woman…” said Todd as he headed for the door. “I’ll see you around, Wolfman…send me the bill.”
And with that Todd disappeared as quickly as he appeared…like a tornado, an unpredictable force of nature. Dr. Woolf turned toward the window and looked across the lake at his old house in the distance and thought of its fascinating occupants, whose lives had become inextricably tied to his, and whom he’d grown so fond of.
2002 Copyright by Trog
FanFiction Home
Home
