My first day out of the hospital, I get right back to work. It's foolish, some may say, but the sooner I wrap up this case, the sooner I will be able to leave the madness and spend some time relaxing with the man I love. As soon as I am released, I go straight to my office, dreading the work that has gone without my attention for far too long.
Jazz, as always, is sitting at her desk working. I can hear her music across the room, even though she is wearing her headphones. Some rocklike music fills the office, and I cannot say it is entirely unpleasant. I try to sneak up on her, but she senses my presence almost immediately. "Hey, Ms. Delgado," she says without turning around.
"I thought I was going to surprise you."
She shakes her head, "it's impossible to sneak up on me." She stops typing, only for a moment and says, "I knew you were gonna get away from him."
Something about the "knowing" tone in her voice stops me in my tracks. I take a long, hard look at her, noticing for the first time the number of crosses that adorn her body. Her earrings, which dangle near her shoulders, have a cross on them, so does her necklace, ring and bracelet. More than that, she has a cross tattooed on both arms and one that barely peeks above the fabric near the top of her blouse.
"I've got another one near my ankle."
"I'm sorry?"
"I have another cross near my ankle. Well, technically I have two; one is a tattoo and the other is an anklet."
During this entire time, she has not looked at me, not even once. A shiver runs down my spine, but it's not scary, nor is it unnerving; it's more surprising than anything. "How'd you know?"
"Oh, I know a lot of things." She begins to type again. "I know how much you prayed when you were in that room with barely any oxygen, holding onto the little bit of sanity you had left."
"I was so scared," I confess. "I didn't think I'd ever see my loved ones again."
"Aw, you knew you'd see them because you'd never give up. You never give up."
I think of how true her words ring and how, through the toughest times of my life, I have never given up. It's like something stops me every time I even consider it and fills me with more fight. It's the strangest thing and I don't seem to have any control over it.
"It's all going to be okay, Ms. Delgado. You've survived the worst."
"Does that mean it's going to be smooth sailing from here on out?"
"I don't know about that, but it's gonna get a lot better." She turns away from me completely, dismissing me in a way.
I close the door to my office, electing to spend my first few hours in solitude. I plow through the mail first feeling like the pile would never get smaller. Then, slightly frustrated, I sit back and try and catch my breath.
Really, I have only one concern and that's Derek's case. When he and I spoke earlier this morning, I told him I'd come by later to visit him. I get the feeling he needs to actually see that I'm okay with his own eyes and then he will begin to have faith in me again.
The time ticks by so slowly, each second seems like an hour. I can't seem to focus on anything work related; my mind constantly wanders to the island paradise that awaits Todd and me. I finally give up, thinking maybe I need one more day before I can face all of this crap I'd rather burn.
Todd said he would drive me to the facility where Derek is being held. Although I commend him for his chivalry, I have a feeling he has an ulterior motive…like scoring an interview with Derek. And so what if he does? It's time I start to let go of the reigns of restraint I use to control every situation in my life.
I am tempted to call and ask him to meet me here right now. I want to be in his presence more than anything; I need to feel safe again. If he had his way, he would've never left me here, but I insisted that I needed some time to myself. I realize now that I was wrong and what I need more than anything right now is to be in his arms. It's so stupid; I'm turning into one of those needy women I so despise.
*****
Derek is staring out the small window when I arrive. When the guard tries to let me into the tiny room where we meet, I shake my head and ask him to give me a few minutes. He shakes his head in disbelief, before agreeing to my request and leaving the room.
For the longest time, I peer at him through the rectangular slat of the door. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was dead on his feet, for not even a muscle moved. When he does move, it's almost shocking, like a sudden wind in the middle of an empty field. He leans his head against the wall gently, and stares at the free world which he is no longer a part of. It breaks my heart all over again.
The guard re-enters the room, just as I wipe away an errant tear. He opens the door wordlessly, stepping to the side to allow me to enter. Derek does not turn around. The door is closed and locked behind me, it is only when the click of the key reverberates through the air that he turns around and acknowledges my presence.
The pain that reflects in his eyes nearly drops me to my knees. He's nothing but a kid, a kid and he's locked inside a cement cage with metal bars. I see the façade slowly slipping and I feel the pain that lies within his soul.
"I have let him down," those are the words that play repeatedly in my head. If it hadn't been for my lack of attention to my surroundings, he likely would be free at this very moment. His shoulders tell the story of the weight which has been place firmly upon them.
With somewhat shaky legs, I brace myself against the side of the metal table and study my client even more intently; he does the same to me. His eyes roam over every part of my body, though not in a sexual way. He's looking for the wounds my captor inflicted. I made sure to hide each and every bruise beneath the fabric of my clothing. He has enough burdens to bear without worrying about me.
"So," I begin, "how are you feeling today?"
"I'll survive. And you? What about you?"
"I'll survive too," I say, trying to relieve his already heavy heart.
He is the first to sit, though not in the same manner as he used to. No, this time he leans forward a bit and plops down into the chair. He moves now like an old man; a man who has accepted a life of quiet misery.
"What's going through your mind?" I ask, genuinely concerned for his mental health. Will he breakdown before we have a chance at winning his freedom?
"Ms. Delgado, how much longer?"
"Well, that's what I'm here for." He leans closer to me, as if I'm about to make some big revelation, when in reality, I don't have much to say. "Another attorney has to be assigned to your case and then, we'll start over."
"Just like that?"
"Well, depending on which attorney we get, I might be able to work out a deal."
"But then I'm sayin' I'm guilty, and I lose my scholarship anyway."
"Don't worry about that, okay?"
"I have to; I can't afford to pay."
"Derek, listen to me. We're going to take this one day at a time, okay?" I never told him this, but I have every intention of paying for his education because his scholarship is no longer his. This case is not really about whether or not he committed a crime, it's about politics and one cop trying to save face with the others. HE was the one who was attacked. It was HIS basketball career that was ended before he even got started. He is the one who will have to live with the title of "ex convict" for the rest of his life.
"I'm gonna play again."
And I have no doubt that he will defy the odds and wind up being a superstar. For right now, we have a case to win and I must re-focus my thoughts on winning. Now that Jared's out of the picture, I have a newfound confidence and I believe, without a doubt, we will win this case.
*****
When I arrive home late in the evening, the apartment seems too quiet. The only light in the place comes from the various gadgets around the living room. I find it odd that Todd is not here; even odder that Rachel is missing in action.
She took the news about Jared better than I expected. Few tears dripped from her chin, but they were not for him; they were for me and the hell I'd endured. Unlike the police department and District Attorney's office, she believed me without a second's hesitation.
"Hello?" When there is no immediate response, I shrug my shoulders and go to my bedroom to change. It's been a long day and what I really need is a hot bath and a change of clothes.
From my bedroom door, I can smell the scent of Jasmine in the air. "That's odd," I say to myself. I should be frightened, especially after what just happened, but I'm not. I enter the room eagerly, thinking there is a surprise somewhere around here.
The scent leads me to the bathroom, where my eyes fall upon the bubbles that fill the bathtub. There must be a million of them, stacked upon one another and squished together. I look at the mirror above the sink and see Todd has written the word "enjoy" against its foggy surface.
I quickly undress and get in; the water is still warm. I think Jazz must've helped him with this by calling and letting him know when I was on my way here. The water is warm, as if it's just been run; not to mention the fresh bubbles. I lean back and luxuriate in the warmth, letting it wrap itself around me like a familiar pair of arms.
*****
I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here, but when I open my eyes, the bubbles are nothing more than a distant memory. The water has become slightly chilled, but the knots in my body have completely disappeared. I lift myself from the tub; looking to my left and seeing my fluffiest terrycloth robe, one I did not bring in here. With anticipation, I look around half expecting to see Todd hidden somewhere in the dark corners. I shrug my shoulders, figuring he'll make himself known when he's ready.
I take my time getting dressed, let my fingers really work the lotion and oils in. I savor every moment; I have so much to be grateful for. The quiet, for once, doesn't feel so lonely, but maybe that's because I know there are more things for me to come this evening.
Too many guys think I’m a concept or I complete them or I’m going to make them alive, but I’m just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own piece of mind. Don’t assign me yours. -- Clementine (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
