Viki called and said she needed to talk to me about something. She insisted it was too important to discuss over the phone lines. I immediately begin to worry, even though she didn't use a tone that should cause me to be alarmed.
I am still in the hospital, even though they originally said I would be able to go home today. I would've fought with Dr. Morgan if Todd hadn't given me one of his looks, shutting me up before I could put up a fuss. If I had argued, I would've had to fight with him, Dr. Morgan and half the hospital staff, which I'm sure he had already bribed.
I've been lying on my back…gawd, that sounds too funny…but I've been lying on my back for nearly twenty four hours because they insist my ankle is sprained. It didn't hurt while I was being held captive, then again, once my adrenaline started flowing through my veins, I couldn't feel anything. I am on several pain killers, slightly woozy from their after effects.
Viki doesn't just enter a room; she peeks inside, quietly makes her presence known and then she enters fully. I wave her inside, trying to seem like I'm up for company, rather than exhausted from, as they call it, my "trauma." "Hello, Viki."
"Tea, it's so good to see you."
I smile weakly, saying, "please, make yourself comfortable."
She pulls up a chair next to the bed as she simultaneously tries to look me over in an unobtrusive manner. I haven't yet had the opportunity to look into a mirror, but I'm positive I look a fright. I try to straighten my hair a bit with my fingers, but soon give up when it becomes apparent that it has a mind of its own.
"We were all quite worried. How is it that Todd managed to find you?"
"It's a long story."
"One you will have to share with me one day."
But that isn't the reason for her visit. She leans back in the chair, looking as if she's trying to regain her composure or prepare herself for something. My heart quickens; this cannot be good. "Just go ahead and say it, Viki." Might as well get it done and over with.
"I'm sure Todd hasn't been completely forthcoming with the details of his life the past few days."
"No, he hasn't."
"Well, Blair has used your tragedy to further her own cause."
I cringe at the mere mention of her name; the feeling it evokes in me is almost more than I can handle. I knew she would do something like this and I knew he would lose his children because of my weakness; because of my inability to stay away from him. I curse myself and our love because, damn it, it overpowers every damn thing else in my life.
"She waited until Todd was distracted and she went for full custody of the kids."
My mind spins as I try to comprehend the exact meaning of her words. He has made the ultimate sacrifice for me and what have I given him in return? Nothing but more heartache and more worry. I turn away from Viki, unable to meet her innocent eyes with mine overflowing with guilt.
"Tea, I don't want you to blame yourself; that…woman…and I use the term loosely, would've found one way or another to take the children away from him. I just thought someone should tell you."
I don't quite know what I'm supposed to say at this point. What blanketing words of comfort can I offer her at this point? What could possibly make it any better for either of us? I see that words, as powerful as I think they are, can't do a damned thing right now. It's as if someone has knocked me in the gut, taking away my ability to breathe, think, or complete any type of mundane function.
"I can see you're going to need some time to process this."
I can only nod and she understands that I am no good to either of us at this point. She slowly rises from her chair, making sure to take a long pause to try and read the silent movie that's playing on my face, but she doesn't know me well enough and I end up coming off as quite blank. She nods a wordless "goodbye," and quietly leaves the room. I turn toward the window, where the city lights have always been able to comfort me. I turn toward them to hypnotize me and take me away from the sadness that fills my entire body. But this time, they can't do anything for me, nothing at all.
*****
I doze off longer than I originally planned. My first thought, when I open my eyes, is that the hospital staff is composed of nothing but a bunch of liars. I was supposed to go home, but when I look at the generic clock which hangs carelessly from the wall, I see that it is deep into the night and I am still lying in this stupid bed with this damned IV pumping stuff into my body. He must see the frustration on my face because he gives me a sly grin, one that says, "they got ya down, huh, Delgado?"
"You can wipe that grin off your face now, Manning."
"Hey, I gotta take the laughs wherever I can get them."
In spite of myself, I smile the biggest, cheesiest grin. Leave it to him to find something funny in a decidedly unfunny time in our lives. I love his ability to find humor in any situation, making me forget just how dire things are. The corridor is quiet, well, quiet for a hospital; I assume most people are asleep for the night. Everyone but Todd and me, who are so far from normal it's unbelievable.
"Hey, no gettin' all depressed on me; not now."
"I'm not."
"What's wrong then?"
"I'm just ready to get out of here, that's all." I leave it at that, even though I know he doesn't buy it. I want to enjoy this time together, without having to bring his troubles into it. I think that could be a little selfish of me, but I can't help but be a little selfish these days. I have finally realized how precious life is and how quickly we can be taken away from each other. I've got to learn to sit back, relax and appreciate the here and the now.
As I watch him on the other side of the room, staring outside of the window, I am reminded of other times he used to do just that. Like when I would come home from shopping or just getting some fresh air, I would find him standing in front of his favorite penthouse window as quiet as can be, carrying all his pain at the base of his neck. I used to think it was just because he was plotting revenge on someone or another for some imagined thing they had done to him. Little did I know that part of the burden was his worrying about whether or not I would walk through those penthouse doors again.
Man, time is so precious; what would our lives have been like if we hadn't been so stubborn? It makes me sick when I think about all the time we've lost because we're both so damned stubborn and out of touch with our feelings. I know I have to let go of all that crap from the past; we can't go back and re-live it or change it. Damn, as complex as things were back then, they were so much simpler than the hell we're going to have to face now.
"Hey, Delgado, I was thinkin' when I spring you from this joint, maybe we could…you know…go somewhere."
"Where were you thinking?"
"I don't know. You like the islands right? I was thinkin' maybe we could go to the Carribean or Hawaii or someplace like that?"
"I'd like that, but I can't."
When he speaks again, his voice takes on that sad tone again. "Why not?"
"Well, for one, I have a case to finish. For two, you have to get your children back. For three, I don't trust my body enough to be that far away from my doctor."
"So, we'll go after you get the kid off. As for my kids, you don't have to worry about them and we can take your doctor with us if you're that worried; which I don't think you are, by the way."
He gives me a quick smile, letting me know he knows the real reason has everything to do with his children. As I lie in this bed, staring at him, it occurs to me how much this man has given up just because he loves me. People are sometimes blind to the fact that he has given up so much just to be with me; they choose instead to concentrate on how my life has been "ruined," as they put it, by him.
Sometimes it takes a brush with death to make us realize how blessed we truly are. Before all this happened, this past week, I was a zombie, going through the motions of life. Everything began and ended with my illness; I had been the one who sentenced myself to death. I couldn't see the truth as it really was, that I am far from death.
"Come on, Tea."
There have been very few times in my life when I have been able to resist him, especially not when he uses the tone he just used. It's as if he's desperate to get away from everything that seems to hold him back when he's in Llanview or New York. He told me once that he always feels as if he is handcuffed to something and not allowed to be himself. Bad table manners aside, he is really forced to be something he despises. I think those are the wrong words to choose. I think he's forced to wear a sort of figurative mask because he doesn't want anybody to see the abused boy in his eyes, so he glazes them over, frowns; he keeps them hidden from those he sees on a regular basis. But, when he's away, he can drop everything; nobody pays enough attention to try and read the secrets he hides behind his eyes.
"You deserve it," he says. "We can leave right after you win the case."
"You're so sure of me, aren't you?"
"I know you."
He takes my hand; an electric current runs up my arm and straight to my heart. He runs his thumb along the palm, finally linking our fingers together. He looks straight into my eyes, but he doesn't say anything. Slowly, he leans toward me; I half expect him to kiss me, but I remember we're in a hospital room and know he won't risk someone seeing in a romantic moment, so I lean closer, letting his lips graze my forehead.
"Come on," he whispers.
I don't think I could deny him even if I tried. I imagine he and I in that beautiful, tropical paradise, just the two of us, treading the same land that thousands of lovers before us have traveled. I see us having dinner underneath the stars, on the beach or on a terrace, with nothing but the sounds of waves crashing against the land. And then, at night, we'll make love with the carelessness that we both enjoyed in our youth.
When I think of those things, I want to leave right away. I want to run with him wherever he wants to take me, and love him the best way that I know how. I want to feel the calm that only he brings to my life. It doesn't take me very long before I nod my head and agree to go away with him.
"You won't regret it, Tea. I promise, you won't regret it."
Too many guys think I’m a concept or I complete them or I’m going to make them alive, but I’m just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own piece of mind. Don’t assign me yours. -- Clementine (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
