I have been alone in this room for hours; I am beginning to lose it. A fly keeps buzzing around my head, but my arms are so sore, I can't even swat it away. It will land on my face and when I twitch, it will fly to my hands. We continue to do this pitiful dance because neither of us is capable of doing anything else.
I am wrapped in silence, with only an occasional honking horn to break the monotony. I stare at the ceiling, searching for any way to escape. There is a vent, about eight feet off the ground that might be large enough for me to crawl through. I don't think there is any way for me to get to it, so with a defeated sigh I throw that idea from my mind.
I hear several pairs of feet walking across the floor above me. My eyes dart around the room for something long, something like a broom handle or something. I think if I can find something, I can lift myself up and bang it against the ceiling. That's bound to get someone's attention, isn't it?
I don't immediately find anything, but it dawns on me that the closet probably has a hanger rod and I can probably loosen it. I drag my body to the closet; sweat pours from my face and into my eyes as I exert myself. The journey, it seems, takes forever, but once I make it, I somehow find the strength within me to lift myself up and barely grip onto the bar. As I look at it more, I realize all I have to do is lift it from its brackets.
I take the long cylinder and with everything I have, I lift it above my head and pound desperately on the ceiling. The footsteps above are still there; I hope they can hear me. Someone stomps the same number of times I tap on the ceiling and we continue to do participate in this kind of dance of life and death.
My father was a war veteran, sent home in disgrace after doing some "unsavory things;" I never knew what those things were. I do know when my brothers were younger and they were bonding with him, he taught them many things about defending themselves against the "enemy." One of the things he taught them was Morse code and luckily, my curious nature got the best of me. I sat outside of the closed door he spoke to them behind, and absorbed everything I possibly could.
I remember few things of those days, but I do remember the code for SOS, so I tap it out as I remember. It is difficult for me to not do it too fast because different speeds and lengths mean different things. I carefully control myself saying, "Oh God, please let them understand me. Please let them rescue me."
Spent, I fall to the floor, unable to catch my breath. I know I can't lie here too long because they may come and take away the only weapon that I have at my disposal. Another idea comes to me; what if I hide in the closet and when they come to look for me, I leap out at them. Looking down at myself and feeling the way I do, I know it's not something I can do right now, but maybe when I'm feeling a little better and have more energy, then I can try it?
On the floor, I lay, having crawled from the closet, back into the middle of the floor where I have spent most of my time. My body has completely given out on me and when the door opens again, I cannot turn to see who is opening the door. The footsteps near my head and instinctively, I jump, expecting a foot to come in contact with my skull.
"What's wrong, Delgado? Nothin' smart to say?"
Jared's voice goes through me like fingernails on a chalkboard, sends chills down my spine. My mind fills with thoughts of how I would like to see him die at my hands, reveling in the feeling of being able to make him suffer the way he is making me suffer. I am so helpless and pathetic; I can't even speak to utter a smart retort.
"You see that boyfriend of yours running all around as if he will actually be able to save you. He's like a rat in a fuckin' maze," he laughs. "You know, there was a time when you always had a smartass remark; what happened? Cat got your tongue?"
I can almost imagine the closet rod connecting with his head with such force, it detaches from his neck. I'm sure he doesn't remember those spring days when I hit the ball harder than anyone on the team. It was all the anger that built inside me that gave me the strength I never knew I possessed, just like now. Just like right now.
"I saw Derek today. He won't eat anything and he keeps asking why you left him."
My entire body is paralyzed and even though I can see the sweat dripping from my brow, I cannot feel it trailing down my skin. I try to use all of my energy to get something to move, a finger, an arm, anything, but nothing cooperates. All I can do is clinch my eyes in anger and listen as he tries to break me down mentally.
"I told him it was 'cause you are a coward and knew you could never get him off."
I can feel a tingling in my limbs and that's when I know that soon I will be able to move. I begin smacking my lips, wetting my throat so I can tell him exactly how I feel. I open my mouth to speak and at first, nothing comes out but a whisper. But I close my eyes and try harder, using all the strength I have and I say, "I'm gonna get out of here."
He throws his head back and laughs heartily. "You are in no position to escape, Miss Delgado."
"Don't underestimate me," I say.
"Todd can't do anything for you; he's about to lose his kids. You think he's actually thinking about you when he's going to lose them forever?"
"He loves me."
"But you don't have his children, do you?"
Of all the things he could've said, that's the one thing that really got to me. I try not to let it show in the outside, but my insides, they're rapidly crumbling. With as much conviction as I can muster, I reply, "you have no idea what we have between us, none at all." Even to me it sounds lame, but I really can't say much else.
He continues to taunt me, but I have tuned him out. He can say whatever he wants, but to me, he is nothing more than an annoying gnat who cannot be heard, but whose annoying presence is felt. And that's okay because as long as the words can't get to my soul, they can't hurt me.
I concentrate on convincing my body that it has been fed and it should be stronger than what it is. I have begun to not eat at all; my paranoia has completely taken over. At first, I thought I could eat fruit and things like that, but Jared hates me enough to poison me slowly, making me suffer for as long as possible. If he's going to kill me, I'd rather have him do it immediately a not prolong the agony.
Eventually, his feet retreat and the door slams loudly behind him. I think I may have heard the buzzer or something like that. As quickly as I can, I get up and walk over to the door. I hear voices, but I can't quite hear what's being said. I try the doorknob; it won't budge.
"Shit," I mumble, trying the knob again. I glue my ear to the door and I can vaguely make out what's being said on the other side.
"Sounds like something's trying to break through the ceiling," one voice says.
The other voice, I know to be Jared's replies, "Nothing's going on down here."
"I know what I heard."
"I know what you think you heard, but I'm the only one here."
That's my opening and I begin banging on the door that cages me. "HELP ME! HELP ME!" I beg.
"What's that?" the stranger asks.
"Nothing."
"PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!"
Okay, if that person takes Jared at his word, he's going to come in here and make me pay. I have to be prepared for whatever he has in store for me. I quickly make my way over to the closet and hide behind those doors. I grab the rod and grip it as tightly as I can. And I wait.
To my surprise, he has not returned to this room. That doesn't mean I have let my guard down, it simply means that I will live a few more hours. With each passing minute, every part of me weakens a little more; I can feel everything crumbling beneath me and all I can do is watch.
"Just breathe," a voice that sounds oddly familiar whispers to me. "Breathe and try and relax."
I identify the voice to be Jazz's, but I know she is not here with me. I recognize the calming nature of her pitch and the maternal undertones of her every phrase. My shoulders automatically lower themselves and my breathing becomes less ragged. "Jazz?" I say, though only in my head.
"Shh, it's going to be all right."
"How do you know?"
"Because you're smart and Todd's smart; you're bound to figure a way out of here. Just don't act too hastily," she warns.
"I need my medicine."
"I know you do; just hang on a little longer. Just hang on," her voice fades away and I know she is gone.
Where I was panicking before, I am now as calm as can be. Sweat was pouring from my brow, but now, there is nothing. I find the strength to crawl out of the closet, and prop myself up against the wall.
The monitor comes on again; I'm guessing it's on a timer. My best guess is that Jared has set up cameras in the places I frequent. Each room flashes across the screen for only a couple seconds at a time. Rachel is crying on her bed. Del is destroying my office, searching for anything. Viki is waiting by the phone. Jazz is still working with her headphones on, like she doesn't have a care in the world. But Todd is missing; I know he's combing the streets all alone, trying to tune into our telepathic station.
I will him to come to me. I clinch my eyes shut as tightly as I can and through our communication, I tell him that I'm not far, to search the brownstones, to go after Jared and then he will find me. I half expect him to come bursting through the door immediately, but I know I have to be patient and make myself believe that with the help of the higher power, I will be okay. That's really all I have at this point.
"Please help me," I say. "Please get me out of here," I beg.
I have often been short on faith and now I wish I hadn't. I don't think God would punish me for my past…what can I call them, indiscretions? Okay, I don't think that stuff will be held against me and even though I know I probably wouldn't be praying right now if I was not in this position, but the truth remains I am, and all I really have is hope that mercy will rain upon my soul.
I am thinking Jared's motive for showing me my family is to discourage me, but it's having the opposite effect. I'm feeding upon it, desperately wanting to get back to them. I want that second chance to tell them how I feel and experience their love one more time. I don't feel as weak, not right now; I have faith that I am meant to have them again. I have faith that this is not the way I'm meant to go; much greater things lie ahead. It's just matter of, like Jazz said, having patience.
If you colored and can make them some money, then you all right with them. Otherwise, you just a dog in the alley.---Ma Rainey (Whoopi Goldberg in "Ma Rainey's Black Bottom")
