Todd and I are lying on his floor with a blanket spread beneath us. I cannot describe, nor can I understand how good this closeness makes me feel. After all we've been through, for us to be lying here, not touching, not talking very much, well, it's a monumental step.
Every now and then, the silence is interrupted with random comments that two people who have known each other for an eternity would share. Other than that, it's quiet and neither of us mind the silence. When he and I shared the penthouse, we could go days without speaking and that bothered me more than I ever let on. Made me feel like I really was nothing more than an irritating employee, earning her pay.
I grimace when I look at my watch and see the day has drifted by without either of us noticing. "Ugh," I moan.
"What?" I can't answer right away; he has moved an errant strand of hair away from my face, grazing my skin with his gentle touch. "What?" he whispers.
"Um, it's, ugh…getting late; I should get going."
"Stay."
"I can't; I have to go to work in the morning." Our conversation closely resembles pillow talk. The whispering, the eye contact and the feeling of two people who do not want to be apart for any reason at all. "I have to go," I repeat, not even convincing myself.
He drops his hand to his side, but his eyes do not leave mine. My eyes see nothing but him. It's almost like we have hypnotized each other and we know that if this contact is broken, the magical spell between us will also break.
But time is getting away and as much as it pains me, I know I must leave. I turn away and somehow find the strength to stand upon my legs which are now made of rubber. "Walk me to the door."
He takes his time getting up, never looking away from me. His eyes roam over my body just as his hands have done far too many times to count. If I concentrate hard enough, I can remember the sensations his hands caused as they grew to know my body better than I ever could. And better than his lips, as they kissed every single part of me; loved every single part of me.
"I have to go back to Llanview for a few days," he says sadly.
It is then that I turn to him, but his eyes are no longer on me. They are staring at some invisible spot on the floor; his foot is moving around in a circular motion. I slowly lift my hand to his chin, forcing him to look at me. "It's okay," I whisper.
"I hate this!" he screams angrily, but I know the anger is not directed toward me. He is ultimately trying to lead a double life; I can't begin to understand how hard this must be on him.
I think he expected his angry outburst to startle me, but the truth is, I'm surprised it took so long. My hand does not leave his body, but moves from his chin and behind his neck. I try to massage the anger away, knowing full well no matter what I do, it will always be there. What I do notice is how he seems to relax when I touch him. "It'll be okay. I promise you, it'll be okay."
He searches my eyes for the truth and there he sees that there is no other truth than the words that have just passed my lips. "You're sick and-"
"And the kids need you. I know that, Todd. Don't ever feel bad for being with them-"
"No, it's not just that. Blair is such…she's such a bitch, Tea and she's making it so damned hard."
I almost ask if he expected anything less from her. Blair has always been the kind of person who loves to make everyone around her feel as miserable as she. Come to think of it, Todd loves to do the same thing with most people and selfishly, it doesn't bother me; it makes me feel good. It is when he treats me the same as everyone else that I begin to feel bad.
"Why can't she just sign the damned divorce papers and be rid of me? Why does she have to play all these fuckin' games? It's not gonna make me love her, no matter what she does."
"Because she hates to lose, Todd. What's she trying to do anyway?"
"She wants full custody. She's suing me for divorce on the grounds of adultery-"
"What?!" I ask in exasperation. So that's the piece he's been keeping from me; he hasn't wanted to drag me into this. God, this means I'm going to have to commute from here to Llanview to refute her accusations. What if she's having him followed? I bet she is and there have been nights when he and I have been together all night, but nothing has ever happened. She doesn't know that though. Shit!
"Don't worry about it, okay? I'll figure out something."
My hand drops to my side and I begin to pace. As I pace, I ramble. "I don't know who that bitch thinks she is. Why didn't you tell me sooner? Nevermind, we can deal with this. I'll just give a deposition, yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll give my deposition and I might not have to make a court appearance. If I have to, then I'll do it, but I might be able to do this from here. Who's your attorney? Nevermind, I'll take care of it-"
"Tea, wait a second."
"What?"
"Let me handle it, okay? I don't want you involved in this."
I stop pacing and turn to him, ready to put up a fight, but I see it is futile. He knows how stress affects me now, so he won't pull me into his mess. I should be grateful for that, but for some reason, I feel as though he is locking me out of that part of his life. I can never accept defeat, but what I can do is propose a compromise. "Let me be deposed; that'll help you."
"Tea-"
"Todd-"
With a heavy sigh, he realizes that arguing with me on this point is as pointless as me arguing with him about representation. "Fine," he says.
"Good."
"I'm walking you home," he says, stepping out the door before I can say a word. I don't mind this so much, in fact, it's rather nice. Since I've been in New York, I don't think I've had one man even see the inside of my apartment. I thought it too personal, too revealing, to let them inside my world. We used their apartment instead.
As we walk down the street, I have the urge to take his hand into mine. There's something about walking down the tree-lined streets that makes me want to be loved and be in love. I want someone's hand in mine as we look up at the stars and drown in the life that surrounds us. Todd's not like that, so I don't expect him to hold hands; I don't expect much of anything affectionate in public. I wrap my arms around myself instead, choosing to drown in my own self love.
In only a few blocks, we are at my place and I dread leaving him. "Wanna come up?"
"Naw, the mooch is probably up there."
I can't help but to chuckle at him, which, in turn, brings a smile to his face. "Okay, well, this is it then."
There is that awkward moment at the end of a date where you're not quite sure if you should kiss, shake hands or walk away from each other. That's where we are, clearly wanting to kiss, but afraid of what it will mean for both of us. The dynamic of our relationship has changed, but the moment we kiss, that electric thing will happen between us, exploding into something more than both of us can handle right now. Instead, we sort tread in this state of loving each other, being confident of that love but having to really be careful of every step we make.
He shoves his hands deep in his pockets, and stares at me for a long while. It's not unnerving; it's rather cute watching this sexy man revert to an inexperienced teenager at the end of the date. "Let me know when you get back."
"Okay. You sure you're gonna be okay?"
"I'll be fine, Todd. Go home, get some rest and try not to worry too much."
"Bye, Tea." He turns and walks away, hands still shoved into his pockets, shoulders slightly hunched forward; generally dejected. As I turn to enter my apartment, a strange feeling overtakes my body. A chill runs down my spine; I turn around and see nothing in the darkness. This is not the first time I've had this feeling and each time, it unnerves me.
*****
I enter my apartment with a sense of dread and this isn't how it should be. I love my friend, but she has sucked what little life existed in this place right out. It's more of a prison than a home; I have to tap dance around everything lest I hurt her feelings.
I breathe a sigh of relief when I don't see her, happy, yet a little alarmed that she may have taken the information I shared with her and done something foolish. Like tell Jared. Like run right back into his arms. I know that game too well; I know how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you love no matter how bad they are for you. Men, once they get in your blood, it is impossible to get rid of them and you're not sure you want to get rid of them because of that wonderful challenge they present.
"God, I don't know why I'm so tired," I mutter to myself, dropping my purse on the sofa.
I have never done this before, but I left my cell phone resting on its base in my bedroom. I scratch my head, wondering how I could be so careless; I've never been without it. The red light blinks incessantly and when I look at the display, the missed calls reads "13."
"Damn it!"
Immediately, I grab one of my legal pads and begin listening to my messages. For the most part, they are things that can wait, but there are a few, three from Viki, one from Carlotta and one from Del that I should've taken.
On my mental priority list, Viki's call is the most important. It's almost too late, but I know with the number of messages she's left, her need must be urgent.
"Hello, Viki."
"Tea, oh thank God you called."
"What's wrong? What's the matter?" I ask.
"Blair is on another rampage against Todd. I know I shouldn't be sharing this with you, but I'm afraid for my brother."
"He told me a little about what's going on, but I'm sure he minimized the entire situation for my benefit."
"Well, here's the situation in a nutshell. Blair is suing him for divorce on the grounds of adultery and she's going for full custody of the children. She has a restraining order against him, prohibiting him from getting within a hundred yards of her."
"I told Todd that I am willing to testify that there is nothing going on between us. I also said I would be deposed-"
"Yes, but apparently, she has some tricks up her sleeve that might contradict what both you and Todd are saying."
In my mind, I go over the time that Todd and I have spent together and there is nothing, absolutely nothing she can use against us. Nothing inappropriate has happened so far, so there can't be any evidence to the contrary. "Viki, there's nothing to worry about."
"She's very confident about something and to be honest, I don't think Todd has much of a chance at getting custody," she sighs. "I think it was a bad move for him to move to New York."
"I tried to talk him out of it, but you know how he is once he gets an idea."
"Sometimes he's his own worst enemy."
"Viki, would you give me his attorney's information and I'll see what we can come up with?" This is yet another thing I'm adding to my plate that has no business being there. I'm obligated to deal with this because I cannot bear the thought of Todd losing his children because of me.
