Todd and I have not said a word in over an hour; I'm not even sure if he's moved. There's definitely something on his mind and I'm pretty sure it has to do with his children. He chooses not to burden me with his problems knowing it really is the last thing I am able to deal with.
Jazz knocks on the door, snapping us both from our respective daydreams. "Come in," I answer. She enters, looking first at Todd, then at me, straight back to Todd. Her eyebrows wrinkle, but I don't get the impression it's a bad thing, she's just trying to figure him out.
"Sorry to interrupt, but you have a call."
I can see by the expression on her face, this is a call I need to take, but she also doesn't want to say who it is in front of Todd. She and I have developed a silent communication, just as Todd and I have, though to a much lesser degree. "Okay, I'll take it," I say, immediately reaching for the telephone. "Delgado," I answer.
"Hello, Tea, it's Viki. Is this a bad time?"
"No, not at all." I look over at Todd who is pretending to not listen to my conversation. "What can I do for you?"
"Well, we've received a lot of letters ever since we ran the article on Derek; I thought you might like to read them."
"Oh, that's very thoughtful; I would love to read them."
"Great! It just so happens that I'm in town for a couple of days and I'd be more than happy to give them to you over lunch or dinner."
"That'd be good. How about dinner tomorrow night?"
I nearly miss the look that quickly passed over Todd's face. He is absolutely fuming, thinking I'm making a date. At first, I feel a little bad, and then it turns to anger. We have been down this jealousy road before and I'm not up to dealing with it again.
"Wonderful. Why don't you pick a location and let me know tomorrow?"
"Sounds good."
When we end our conversation, smoke is practically coming from every part of Todd's body. I am trying to avoid his gaze, but, as usually, I cannot ignore his presence. I try to get back to work, but he will not stop looking at me. Finally, I slam my pen down and ask, "Is there a problem?"
His anger has a way of reaching out and touching me like nothing else. I've felt its wrath and I've been at its mercy. Despite all of my experience, I have yet to learn to deal with it. I just cross my fingers and hope it goes away. The way he's looking at me now, I know that look; he thinks I was talking to another man. How ironic because in this situation, he's the one who is with someone else, legally if nothing else.
"You know what Todd? If you're just gonna sit there and try to intimidate me, then you can just leave."
"I'm not tryin' to intimidate you," he says quietly.
"That's what it looks like from here."
"Who were you talkin' to?"
"That's none of your business," I reply defiantly. I can't believe he wants to have this conversation with me, like we're something to each other when no spoken promises have been made. In all the time we've been apart, I see nothing has changed.
"It is my business."
"Why? Because you said so?"
"Yeah."
I burst into laughter, knowing it will only anger him further. He is so unbelievable and so unbelievably sexy when he's like this. Damn, everything about him is so two-sided and I have no idea how to fight these emotions.
"What?"
"I don't want to hurt your feelings, but who I talk to and who I spend time with, is really none of your business." The expression that crosses his face breaks my heart. Maybe I shouldn't have been so blunt, but I don't want to get too deep in whatever it is between us and still have to fight this jealousy thing. He and I are both too old to deal with this, too damn old. "I didn't mean to say it like that but Todd, you have to trust me. I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you; you should know that by now."
"Just tell me the truth."
"I don't lie to you, Todd. I am always as honest with you as I can possibly be, sometimes against my better judgment, I am honest with you." I come around to the front of my desk and sit next to him, the way Dr. Morgan had sat with me what seems like a lifetime ago. "What are you afraid of?"
"I'm not afraid-"
I can see from the barely visible film of liquid in his eyes that he is so afraid, it's eating him up inside. It is always this way with him, just when I feel my anger boiling over and sliding down my entire body, he does something to make me forget why I was upset in the first place. Now, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and absorb his pain, turning it into my own. "Talk to me," I say softly, hoping my voice still has that calming effect on him.
Instead of talking to me, he jumps up from his seat like an exploding popcorn kernel and bounces to the other side of the room. "Nothin' to talk about. Hey, let's get outta here and do somethin'."
I'll let him get away with it this time, but I will pry it out of him. I think it has something to do with his marriage and me; he's trying to protect me from that part of his life, knowing I simply cannot take the stress. Sadly, he's probably right. "What do you want to do?"
He shrugs his shoulders and mumbles, "I don't care, let's just get outta here."
I look at the pile of work on my desk, then I look into Todd's face and I am drawn to both of them. As much as it pains me, I can't leave with him right now. He reads my expression like a familiar book.
"It'll be here tomorrow."
"I know, but I have less than a week; this is not going to be an easy case for me."
"Everything's easy for you."
I smile at his off-handed compliment, but that doesn't change the fact that I have to be at the top of my game. "Thank you, but I can't leave right now."
"How long have you been at it today?"
Now it's my turn to shrug my shoulders and reply, "I don't know."
"Did you at least eat?"
"Uh-"
He reaches for my hand and effortlessly pulls me toward him. "That's it; we're going to grab dinner."
"Todd," I protest, "I can't leave right now. Look, give me another hour and when I'm finished, I'll meet you at your place."
Surprisingly, he readily agrees, pausing at the door before he leaves. He turns toward me, opens his mouth as if he's going to say something, but then, he turns back around and leaves the office before I have a chance to say another word. I get the feeling he was debating whether or not to kiss me because I was wondering the same thing.
*****
He must've been waiting right by the door because no sooner than I ring the buzzer, he's at the door, yanking it open from his side. He has changed out of his dress slacks and button down and into a pair of jeans with a nice, black, short-sleeved shirt. I marvel at the way it sticks to his expansive chest, accentuating every muscle on his upper body. For just a moment, I am rendered speechless.
"You ready?"
"Uh, yeah…yes," I reply.
He and I walk several blocks without saying a word and I don't mind at all. Sometimes it's nice to just be around him, not saying a word, just enjoying the easiness that somehow still manages to exist, even after everything we've been through. We stop in front of a pizza place; they say it has the best pizza on this side of town.
"This okay? We can go somewhere fancier if you want-"
"No, this is fine."
The more I look around, the more comfortable I become in this place. It's rather intimate; the scent of freshly tossed pizza wafers through the air. We are seated near the front, near the doors that open up onto the street. The sounds of the city are as loud as ever, but somehow, with the scent of pizza and the warm comfort of this place, it doesn't seem quite as loud. An entire wall is comprised of a brick oven, the old world style which makes the best pizza on earth; the kind with the thin, crispy crust and perfect amount of sauce.
"Stop salivating," Todd says, pulling me from my daydreams. I automatically trace the corners of my mouth thinking perhaps a bit of drool did slip out from the corners. "I was just teasing; you that hungry?"
"Yeah, I guess I am."
We order our meal and both drift off to our respective thoughts. I don't think I could spend this much time in silence with anyone other than Todd. An older couple, to my left, keeps looking over here and smiling. I return their gesture, and wonder how long they've been together. She and her companion are not speaking either, but like ours, their silence seems comfortable, even welcomed.
"What do you keep looking at, Delgado?"
I nod toward the older couple and he turns toward them. His eyes roll at my sentimentality; they smile at him. He gives them a half smile and returns his attention to me.
"They're just so cute," I remark.
"Cute? They're old; nothing that old can be cute."
He tries to act so tough, but I know the truth. I see him occasionally turn toward them, not quite smiling but far from frowning. He's thinking the same thing I'm thinking, "Will we ever grow that old together?" And I sigh, picking at my food because I know I will be the reason we never last that long.
