He asked me out tonight, but I declined. I can't allow him to be everything to me anymore; I cannot allow him occupy every part of my life this time. I have to learn to not be so dependent on others because the reality is the only person who will always be there for me is me.
Instead, I am alone, on my sofa, mindlessly flipping channels. It's not my ideal evening, but it's mine, peaceful and quiet, it is mine. I've almost forgotten how calming "quiet time" has been for me; every now and again, I need a reminder.
Rachel is out on another date; we're still not speaking. When I walked in tonight, the air between us was so thick, it was like stepping into a cloud of famous LA smog. We did not speak a word to each other, not even the usually obligatory goodbye before she closed the door behind her.
I had a call from Viki today with the circulation numbers of her paper. It's only been a week, but with the size of Manhattan alone, the numbers exceeded those of "The Banner." The article on Derek garnered the most responses, both positive and negative.
All in all, it's been an okay day. I haven't had any "symptoms" since the episode this morning. Jazz kept reiterating all day that the power of positive thinking would pull me through this. She insisted I need to visualize, so I've been following her advice.
The ringing phone right above my head startles me from my thoughts. I reach for it on the first ring. "Hello?" I answer.
"Tea? It's Viki."
"Hi Viki."
"Is Todd there with you by any chance?"
I feel a sense of panic rising within me. I know that she's asking for a very specific reason, a reason she won't reveal willingly. "No. What's wrong?"
"Did he tell you anything about what's going on here?"
That causes me to sit straight up and nervously twirl the end of my hair. "He hasn't said a word."
She takes a deep breath; I can almost hear her fingers brushing against the hairspray that binds her hair. She is probably pacing, debating on whether or not I can be trusted. In the end, she decides to tell me. "Blair filed for sole custody of the children."
"She what!?" This is the secret I've felt he's been keeping from me. I should never have convinced myself that this time would be easier, when our history shows that nothing is ever easy between us. Guilt washes over me like an out of control typhoon, flipping my world in every possible direction. This can't be happening again; we've been through too damn much to not catch a break at some point.
"Tea? Are you there?" Viki asks with concern evident in her voice.
"Yes, I'm here."
"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, especially with all that's already going on in your life."
The heat is rising to my head, no, rushing to the top, as if the blood is going to burst through the vessels. I hear the "whooshing" as it races through the well-traveled paths. I have to sit down, quickly, before its force knocks me off my feet. "When…when did it happen?" I ask, hoarse from the tears I'd yet to shed.
"From what I've been able to gather, he may have been served a couple days ago."
"He didn't speak a word."
"I didn't think he would."
"Who's his attorney?"
"I'm not even sure if he has one; that's why I'm trying to reach him in fact. I have a list of names for him."
My world has collapsed, yet again. I should be used to this, but every time things get better for me, I mistakenly believe it's going to last forever. Each time, I am devastated that the happiness only lasts a short amount of time, then yet another disaster strikes. I think it is my destiny to hurt; hurt for those I love and who love me. I have to find him; all I can think about is finding him and figuring out a way to make everything work. I don't think I can do it again; I can't live my life without him in it. "I'll take care of it Viki."
"What?"
"I'll find him and have him call you. I don't want him to know you told me."
"It's really not necessary, I can find him. You don't need this added stress in your life."
"Let me do this for him, please. It's all my fault, so I have to do something."
*****
Todd and I have a system in place; only we know about it. A long time ago, we set up a joint answering service for a stupid reason I admit, but now I'm so glad we did. He and I have never had much faith in the strength or our relationship, no matter how hard we argue to the contrary, the seeds of doubt have been planted and though we love each other, that insecurity never dies. The deal was, if either one of us decided to leave, we would leave a message at that number, just to let the other person know we were all right.
I remember when I dialed the number the day I last left him. I listened to the phone ring several times until someone finally answered. I didn't have the strength to leave a message, so I hung up. I did that several times before I gave up entirely and stopped calling.
I still remember the number and take a chance that he still checks it every once in awhile. This time, when the operator answers, I find a voice and tell her it's imperative that he return my call. I hang up with her and do what I do best, I wait.
Not even five minutes later, there is a frantic pounding on my door. I know who it is even before I answer the door. I swing it open and there's Todd, standing on the other side, looking as though he'd just run a marathon.
"What's wrong?" he asks breathlessly, stepping around me and into my apartment. "You okay?"
"I feel okay, I just…well…um-"
"Spit it out."
I am trying to find the right words. I'm not sure if I should just tell him what Viki said, or if I should try to get him to tell me on his own. This late at night, there's not much he can do other than take the numbers and call them in the morning. The more I think about it, the more I think he should be the one to tell me; it would go a long way toward showing his trust in me. "I kinda wanted your company."
"That all? God, I thought something happened to you." He makes himself comfortable on my couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table.
"No, I'm pretty good, actually."
"You wanna do something? I could rent a movie or, you know, whatever you wanna do."
I join him on the couch, wanting desperately to lean on his shoulder and stay there for the rest of the night. I resist temptation though, and I resolve to let things progress naturally. "Can we just stay here?"
"Yeah, whatever you want."
"How's Starr?" I ask, looking him straight in the eyes. "I haven't seen her in so long."
"She's okay."
"How'd she take your separation from her mother?"
He shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know; like a kid, I guess."
I scrutinize him, knowing good and well the discomfort he feels when I stare at him like this. "Have you talked to her?"
Again with the shoulder shrug. He cannot look me in the eyes anymore; his eyes dart frantically around the room like an errant airplane, searching for someplace to land. "No." He takes a deep breath and says, "I really don't wanna talk about her."
I accept this for now, not having the strength to fight him on this. "Viki's looking for you."
"What'd she want?"
"You to call her."
He quickly takes his cell phone from his pocket and calls her. I walk to the other side of the room, wanting to give him some privacy, but keeping my ears focused on his side of the conversation. "Delgado, where ya goin'?" he calls after me.
"I'm just giving you some privacy."
Viki must pick up because his attention is quickly diverted from me. "You lookin' for me?" From that moment on, there are quite a few, "yeahs" and some "I don't knows;" he never lets anything slip though, so I'm still pretty much in the dark.
One of the most painful things for me is seeing someone I love in pain. It hurts me more than any physical thing I could ever imagine; it cripples me more than my illness ever could. All I want to do is break into a million pieces and be absorbed into his skin because then I could give him all of my strength, everything in me and I could make things better for him.
He doesn't say anything when he ends his conversation; it's as if he's forgotten I'm here with him. He leans his large frame against the window, pressing his head against the cold glass. This is my fault; this pain he's experiencing is because of me. I hate myself for it, I really, really do.
I tentatively walk over to him; my heart breaks with each step closer to him. If only I were a stronger woman, I could've stuck to my guns and meant what I said when I told him we couldn't be together. But no, I have always been weak when it came to men and Todd; he's by kryptonite, my greatest weakness.
"Talk to me," I whisper, touching my fingertips to his head.
He shakes his head, giving no verbal response. I do not say anything, but I can tell my touch is somewhat calming for him. He leans into my hand, as if he's trying to get more of me, so I continue my chore.
"Talk to me," I repeat, even softer than before.
His eyes are closed and I know he wants to open up to me, but he's fighting the desire. I patiently wait for him to gain the strength he's so desperately fighting for. "Blair's fighting me for custody."
I see the tears as they form in his eyes. I want to put my arms around him, but I know if I do, I will cease being the strong one. I shake my head and continue to touch him. "Do you have an attorney?"
"No, Viki just gave me some names."
"What about visitation? Will she let you see them?"
"No."
"Legally, she has no right to keep you from seeing your children unless you're a proven danger to them."
Suddenly, it dawns on me; she's holding something over his head. I don't think he's committed another crime; I know the signs to look for when I think he's in trouble. Besides, more likely than not, he'd tell me. My eyes get wide when I figure out the ammunition she's using and I'm caught right smack in the middle of the whole mess.
