It has now been three days since I last spoke with Todd. I am disappointed, although I shouldn't be. We are not committed to each other, we're two people who used to be in love; he's married for God's sake. I hate that I constantly have to remind myself of that "tiny" detail; I hate even more that I'm not the one he's holding in his arms when he finally crashes from too many late nights.
Rachel has been acting very strangely toward me. Sometimes, when she thinks I'm not paying attention, I glance at her from the corner of my eyes, only to see her eyes burning into me. I know Jared has told her some lie and she would rather believe him than come to me for confirmation.
Finally, I reach a point where I just cannot take it anymore. I've had a hard enough day at work; I had a doctor's appointment earlier and the last thing I need is to come home to my tension filled apartment. Thankfully, she's there and I confront her.
"Is there something wrong between us?" I ask.
"What?"
"You've been acting very strangely, and I'm beginning to take it personally."
She hesitates for a moment, which is a clear indication that the next words out of her mouth will be lies. "Nothing's wrong," she mumbles.
"Are you sure about that? Are you sure Jared didn't tell you something about me and you're choosing to believe him rather than to ask me straight out?"
"Why? Is there something between you and Jared I should know about?"
I'm not about to play this game with her. We're not teenagers; we don't need to waltz around an issue. I start to walk away; I'm suddenly not feeling very well.
"He said you're spreading lies about him in the paper," she yells after me, causing me to stop in my tracks.
"What?" I ask in exasperation.
"You're using Viki's newspaper to make him look bad."
I roll my eyes in disbelief; we've been friends for years and she chooses to believe a virtual stranger, rather than ask me herself. "Rachel, he's a big boy; he can take care of himself."
"So, you're not denying it?"
"What Viki prints in her newspaper is her business. Yes, I have given her access to my client, but you need to ask Jared what he's been doing behind the scenes."
"What are you talking about?"
"Rachel, there are so many things about him that you don't know-"
"Then tell me."
I should tell her everything about that night, but I signed a document to not reveal anything that happened. I can hint around it, make innuendos, but I cannot come right out and say anything at all. Because if I do, I will be in violation of a legal document and he would not hesitate to send me to jail. "I can't," I whisper, feeling every bit the hypocrite that I am.
"You know what Tea? You would never let me get away with those broad statements and vague suggestions. You know I really think? I think you're jealous-"
"Of what?" I chuckle.
"My relationship. You're jealous because I have a good man and you have-"
"I have what?"
"Todd."
"First off," I say, "I do not have Todd-"
"You could've fooled me."
"Stop it, okay? Just stop it! Arguing is not doing either of us any good. I can't talk about Jared, and you'll have to accept that."
"Can't or won't?" She asks, rising to her feet as if she's going to lunge at me in anger. I know she won't but I step back nonetheless. I am standing on the outside, watching him step right between our once solid friendship. It has turned into liquid, slipping right down the drain.
"I can't. This case is between Jared and me. Rachel, you promised me, promised that he wouldn't come between us. You promised." I am walking away right now.
I have noticed something; the stress level in my life directly affects what I have. For example, my head is now aching as if it has a pulse of its own, throbbing so hard that it feels as if it's going to pulse right out of my head. I make my way to my bed, after closing the curtains and immersing myself in darkness. There, I fall into a deep slumber.
It is a couple hours later when a loud noise causes me to sit straight up. I still have my eyes closed as I try to catch my breath. I feel his presence before I even see him and, when I open my eyes he's standing over me with a smile on his face. "What the hell?"
"Sorry, I was tryin' to be quiet but your shoes tripped me. You know, you really need a better security system in this place."
"I'll keep that in mind. You wanna tell me what you're doing here?"
"I came to see you; why else would I be here?"
"Why are you breaking into my apartment in the middle of the night?"
"Aren't you listenin' to me? I said I came to see you." I watch him as he takes his shoes off, brings his feet onto the bed and leans against the headboard. It's as if this is the most natural thing in the world and he belongs here.
"Get out of my bed," I halfheartedly demand.
"What?"
"Married men do not belong in my bed."
"We were married."
"Yes, but we were only in bed together once while we were married, and technically, it was your bed and I was merely keeping you company."
"Well, I'm not gonna be married for long; that's gotta count for somethin'."
I check for all the signals that he's lying and there are none. His eyes never leave mine, his hands are still and he shows none of the usual signs that point to his telling an untruth. "What do you mean by that?"
"Look, I never really wanted to be with Blair, so I'm gonna get rid of her."
"Wait, what do you mean by get rid of her?"
"As much as I want her dead-"
"Todd!"
"What? I'm not gonna kill her; I'm just gonna get a divorce or annulment or whatever the hell it is I gotta do to end this thing." He sounds almost bitter, like he's angry at everyone else for the situation he's in.
I'm not sure what I should be feeling at this point. I'm flattered, yet I'm disturbed that I'm the reason for the destruction of this family. I feel like I'm in a Lifetime movie, the ex comes back into the picture and destroys the unit. But really, how happy could he have been to so willingly let go of everything he'd worked so hard to achieve?
"What? The cat got your tongue?"
I cough a couple of times, trying to get myself together. This could work, I think. This time, it could really work. It was me who left him last, and if he's willing to work at it, maybe we can make it happen. I bring my hand to my forehead and massage my temples. I seem to have forgotten my illness and not wanting to be a burden to him. This is my life, the two sided coin with the negative always right there, just behind the positive.
"Delgado, I'm givin' up everything for you. What else do you want?" His body moves closer to mine; his hand makes contact with the side of my face. "What?" he whispers.
"I just don't know, Todd."
"Don't know what?"
"About this," I gesture between us. The tears are coming; I feel them readying themselves to drip down my face. I want this so badly; I can taste it, so why am I denying myself the one thing that could truly make me happy?
"I'm here, Tea. I'm not goin' anywhere anymore and neither are you."
I can't breathe. It's like there is a lump in my throat, comprised of love and happiness and uncertainty. I am feeling so much right now, it's overwhelming. For two years, two very long years I have pined away from him, denying myself simple pleasures from any other men. I have kept my heart locked away and the key deep in my soul. The emotion, all of it, is being released right now and the tears are slipping down my face like the Niagara Falls.
"Don't cry. Look, this was supposed to make you happy."
My body falls into his waiting arms. It has a mind of its own and right now, it needs to be held. He wraps his arms around me, making me feel safe and loved and okay for the first time in a long, long time. "I'm so sorry," I sob.
"Shh, it's okay."
"I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have done what I did."
I thought he would be angry, but he kept whispering words of comfort in my ear. I didn't fight the feeling; I couldn't fight anymore and I didn't want to fight anymore. I let myself love and be loved by him. I let him be there for me the way I needed him everyday since I walked out, leaving him behind.
