The words echo through my mind; he is willing to give everything up, all for me. If there was ever any doubt of the depth of his feelings for me, they all seem to have evaporated from my mind. I want to throw my arms around him and tell him how much I need what we had. We can forget about the past and all the pain and every single fight; we can start over.
If I were a selfish woman, someone more like his wife, I would forget about the family he has and think of my happiness and my happiness alone. To my dismay, I am not that sort of woman. I shake my head at him because I do not trust my voice at this point.
"Tea-"
"Todd, no; we can't do this. There are too many things…too many obstacles; it's not fair."
"Us not bein' together isn't fair."
I nod in agreement, but the honest truth is, life isn't fair and it's something we all have to accept. I don't like it, but there's nothing I can do. I have to sit back and allow fate to take over. That's it, and if it's meant to be, we will find our way to each other. I have to trust that; I have to believe that with a divorce, then and only then could we start this thing over.
The alarm on my Palm goes off and I know it's that time; time for me to take yet another pill. I reach into my purse, without saying a word to him, retrieve my pill case and proceed to swallow the five pill cocktail. He watches as I do this thing that has become a normal part of my daily routine, and I can see he is horrified.
He waits patiently for me to finish before speaking again. "What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to accept the fact that we can't be together. I want you to accept that this, you coming to all my appointments, is all I can give you."
He bangs his fist against the table in frustration, and I can't say that I blame him. I lamely attempt to soothe him. "Todd, even if we did go back there, I could die at any time and I can't do that to you.
"Do what?"
"Leave you. Just think, you give up your entire world for me and then I die; it would all be in vain."
"Not to me," he whispers, looking away, but not before I see the tears in his eyes.
I reach across the table and grab his hand. I will not let it go, even as he tries to yank it back. At this moment, I have to be the stronger one. "Don't do this, okay? It won't do either one of us any good."
"Whatever," he says, still refusing to look me in my eyes.
I find myself becoming angry at this childish situation. Whenever he has me, really has me, I end up being the only one putting forth all the effort to make our relationship work. It's not fair of him to want to go back there, again, just so he can pull away just as we start to get somewhere. Instead of arguing about it, I get up from the table and start walking away. I do not know where I'm going, nor do I particularly care.
I feel a strange sensation in my arm; it's almost as if it's going to fall off. I do not stop my journey; I just grab onto it and hold it in place. It is now my head that starts to spin on the axis of my neck, and, as I look above me, it is not the clouds I see, in fact, I cannot focus. I think I am fading; I think I am losing the battle.
I feel arms encircle my body and I do not fight them. Quite the contrary, I lean into them and sink into their inviting warmth. I let the foreign arms hold me up because I no longer have the strength, and the stranger can feel that.
My feet, they're being lifted from the pavement and my knees are bent over his forearms. I cannot see, nor can I feel much of anything. I allow myself to go completely limp in his safety and I do not fight my eyes as they begin to close without my prompting.
I awaken sometime after, lying in my bed, tucked beneath my sheets and Todd lying next to me, watching. I cannot speak; my mouth is too dry and I am too weak. In fact, I cannot move any part of my body.
I am panicking, trying as hard as I can to move something, anything, but damn it, my body will not cooperate. My eyes dart around the room like a crazed cat that cannot focus on their target. Then, the tears, they start dripping down my face into a pool next to my neck; I cannot even wipe them away.
I see Todd reaching for my cheek and I, usually ticklish, do not feel anything as his fingers make contact with my useless flesh. He wipes at the salty liquid that has now congregated near my ear. He continues to brush until my skin, at least that part, is dry. Then, he catches the errant tears that roll down my cheeks.
"I called your doctor," he says. "She said this might happen, you might not be able to move but that's okay, 'cause it's only temporary."
"Only temporary," I hear him repeat. I had not expected this, though I read of its possibility. See, when you're sick, you research all of the possibilities, but you don't think the worst can or will apply to you. No, you're immune, and when the worst does happen, though expected, it is still so unexpected.
I wish I could turn my head away, so he won't see the shame in my eyes. I am so scared at the moment, and only my eyes will show it. I never wanted him to see me so helpless and vulnerable; never wanted to be his burden, but that's exactly what I am.
"I know you're scared," he says, "but it'll pass. They said it'll happen slowly, but you'll be okay." He starts to move off of the bed, and I want to reach out and hold him next to me. Is that selfish? To want someone and not want someone at the same time, that's how I feel.
There is a knock on my door, it's faint, but I hear it. No one answers, but I feel the door open anyway, and I hear Rachel's voice. I can hear the words before she even says them.
"Why didn't you answer?" she asks either Todd or me, I can't tell which one. She moves closer to the bed; I'm sure she's wondering why I haven't bothered to answer her.
"Why don't you just go?" Todd asks, with more than a hint of irritation in his voice.
"I'm not speaking to you, Todd."
"Did anyone ask you to come in here anyway?"
It dawns on me what he's doing and I love him even more because of it. It's as if he's inside this cavernous, complex thing I call my brain, reading my deepest fears and thoughts. There, there he sees that I don't want anyone else to know I'm this helpless fetus, incapable of completing the simplest of tasks.
"What'd you do to her?" she asks, coming closer, as I move away, though I can only do it in my mind.
"I didn't do anything to her."
I feel something going on around my mouth, a twitching perhaps. So I focus on that, trying to make my mouth move, not involuntarily, but the ways in which I maneuver it. With all my mental strength, I will it to move, to do something I want it. Gradually, I sense the muscles moving upwards, curving into a smile. I let out the breath I had been holding. The ability travels down my body; a twitch here, a spasm there. I nearly cry. I turn my head toward her and nod.
She stares at me oddly, which does nothing to help my discomfort. I wet the back of my throat, swallow a few times and I begin to trust my voice will be there when I try to speak. "I'm fine."
There is a look of skepticism on her face, but she can't very well call me a liar to my face. She turns on her heals and leave the room.
Todd is waiting for me to say something to him, but I can't even bring myself to look at him. I slowly turn my body away from him, refusing to see the endless pity and sympathy in his eyes. The tears slide from my eyes onto the pillow, wetting it with my patheticness.
"Tea, don't turn away from me." I do not answer him. "Don't turn away from me," he repeats, bringing his hand to my shoulder, attempting to turn my body over. "There's nothing for you to be ashamed of."
"I never wanted you to see me like this," I cry.
"I never wanted you to see me naked, but you did."
I cannot help but laugh at his remark. I quickly cut it off, like it's something I should feel guilty for. I still do not turn over; still cannot look him in those beautiful, hazel eyes.
"Oops, I heard it. I heard you laughing." He waits for my response; I say nothing. "Tea, come on, don't feel bad, okay? Look, you're okay now; it was just temporary."
I whip myself over, and glare at him. "Todd, you don't get it!" I scream, hurting my head from the power of my voice.
"What? What don't I get?"
"This isn't just temporary; this is a part of the rest of my life! That's what I'm trying to tell you!"
"What?"
"That living with me is going to be nothing more than a series of medical problems. That's it!" I crumble into tears at that thought of never having another happy moment for the rest of my life.
He snakes his arm around me, like a sneaky python, suffocating me with his powerful grip. My first instinct is to fight him, but I love being here too much, in this perfect place where I feel completely safe. I know nothing can touch me here because he won't let it, and I love him for it.
"Shh," he says into my ear, "don't cry, okay? We gotta give your medicine time to work. That's what the doctor said when I call her, gotta give it time. And if it doesn't work, we'll try something else and we'll keep trying 'til we find somethin' that works, okay?"
I nod into his chest, knowing full well that there is nothing that will take this away completely. I used to take this closeness for granted, you know, once we finally got it together, but not anymore. I am more aware than ever that this can end at any day.
"Let me stay with you tonight," he whispers.
I don't want to be alone, more than anything, I don't want to be alone and I'm too weak to fight him. Listen to me, trying to justify my letting him stay here, with me. I know I have Rachel with me, and she'll do anything, but it's not the same as having Todd here.
"Tea, come on," he says, stroking the entire length of my hair with his soft fingertips. His lips make contact with the top of my head, then lower, my forehead, then lower, to my cheeks. He does not kiss my lips though; he leaves me wanting so much more. I cannot say no. I just cannot do it.
"Okay," I whisper hoarsely.
We can stay this close forever, for all I care. Nothing can touch us here; I am safe in the confines of his protective arms. This is home to me.
*****
Morning sounds are abound. I listen closely and hear Rachel's small footsteps walking up and down the hall. She is pacing probably, curious as to what happened in my bedroom last night. She is in the kitchen now, making something and judging from the scent, bacon will accompany whatever it is.
Todd's breath is tickling my exposed shoulder rhythmically, soothingly. His arm is draped across my midsection, pulling me to him. There was a time when I woke up like this, before him, I would be the one to wake him in a creative fashion. I might kiss his eyes and lips, or I might go lower and watch as the smile on his lips began to take formation. That is not allowed this time.
He stretches against me, unintentionally allowing me to feel his excitement throbbing against my thigh. He fully awakens then, looking over at me, asking with his eyes if it's okay for this to go further. I shake my head and move away from him. I know it hurts him, it hurts me as well, but this isn't right.
I shuffle over to the bathroom and close the door, leaving him to attempt to unwrap my mystery. I take a long shower, letting the cold water rain over my body. My hormones, when it comes to him, have a mind of their own and this morning, I wanted him.
I have been in here for awhile, too long for him I guess, because he's knocking on the door. "Yes?" I answer.
"You okay?" he asks.
"Yeah, I'll be out in a few."
I quickly wipe my eyes and try to pull myself together. I don't know why I bother because he'll know, as soon as he sees my eyes, he'll know. I feel so damn helpless in my skin now, like I can't handle anything anymore and that frightens me more than anything in the world.
We used to rise early in the morning, it seemed like as soon as daylight broke, we were awake and making love. It was the most beautiful sensation I'd ever known, lying beneath him as he whispered how much he loved me. The morning breath, for the first time in my life, it didn't matter. All that mattered was his love being inside me and filling me up as much as any person. Then, after we were finished, he would shower, then I and maybe we'd make it out that day, or maybe we would go straight back to bed. It really didn't matter to us as long as we were together.
That was so long ago and so far away it seems. Or maybe it was a different lifetime, either way, it was so long ago. Now, I know when I open that door, I will walk past him and pretend like last night never happened. Because if I acknowledge it, I know I will simply fall apart in his arms.
