For the first time in, I'd say months, I walked into my apartment with a feeling of happiness. It's been so long since I've felt this way; I've almost forgotten what it's like to luxuriate in its radiance. Things could be looking up for me, though I try not to get too used to it because in the end, I know I will once again be disappointed.
My life has always been one of cycles, filled with extreme highs and even more extreme lows. The highs have always come first and just when I become comfortable with them, a low comes to disrupt the inner peace. I have tried to learn to revel in the joys and not just wait for sadness to break through the surface; I have tried, but I have failed.
Come to think of it, a low sprinkled with tremendous highs could describe my marriage to Todd. Or, is it the other way around? I forget that sometimes; or maybe it depends on which cycle I'm in; my answer changes with my life cycles.
I wish he was here to share in this moment with me. I feel like there should be a lover to experience this with; someone to catch these tears of joy that just might slide down my face. Then again, knowing him, he would be pissed that he wasn't getting the exclusive that I'm giving his sister.
There's a note on my desk from Rachel; she has a hot date tonight. I probably shouldn't wait up; I know how hot her dates can get. Looks like it's just my work and me...the only constants in my life.
I'm not sure if I should return Todd's call; he left a message, or I should say several messages on my cell phone. He used to run away from all communication with me, now he won't stop calling. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this, or how I should handle it. I'm not unhappy about it, that's for sure, but I'm more than a little confused. One thing I do know is that I am still in love with him, even more so if that's even possible.
*****
"I could've sworn I closed my bedroom door this morning," I say, shrugging my shoulders. I step inside, put my hand over my heart and scream at the top of my lungs.
"Well, there's nothing wrong with those lungs of yours." Todd gives me his evil grin, checking me out without bothering to disguise it.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"You don't return any of my phone calls."
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I have nothing to say to you? And how'd you get in here anyway?"
"Used my charm."
I drop my things on my bed and march right over to him. I move very close, so close he can feel the heat from my body. "You and I both know that's a crock."
"Okay, you got me there," he says. "I waved around a wad of money and your doorman couldn't wait to let me in."
"I'm going to have to report him."
The arrogant bastard shrugs his shoulder and says, "I'll just bribe the next person. I'm surprised you of all people don't know even the most scrupulous person has their price."
I just glare at him, knowing he can see the anger seeping out of every pore in my body. I hate the way he does that, causes emotions to rise from nowhere within me. He has my number like no one else and that pisses me off even more. "Fuck you, Todd."
"Oh, you did, didn't you?" he grins. I find nothing funny about it, nothing at all. "Since you won't tell me what's going on with you over the phone, I figured, since I'm far too irresistible I person, you'd tell me the truth."
It's just like him to throw my words back in my face. The difference between him and me is that in my case, it's true. "You figured wrong."
He then gets up, walks his sorry ass over to my bed and makes himself comfortable as he lifts his feet onto MY spread. In a typical Todd, not giving a fuck about anyone other than himself fashion, he doesn't even bother to take off his shoes. I just stare at him, letting my eyes burn a hole into his feet.
"What?" he asks, as if he has no idea he was doing something wrong.
"Get your feet off my bed!" As usual, he makes no move to obey my wishes, so I slap his feet off my furniture.
"You've turned into a mean bitch."
"Well, guess what Todd? You made me into this bitch."
"I did a good job."
"Go home to your wife and children; I don't want you here."
He sort of looks at me with this sad expression like I am the one who hurt I his feelings. For once, I don't regret my words to him. "I don't care what you want." The hurt is quickly replaced with his usual sarcasm.
"Wow, big surprise there."
"So, what were your test results?"
Sometimes, like now, Todd is the most caring man I know. It means so much that he flew hundreds of miles just to find out how I'm doing. He makes me love him; I can't make that emotion leave me, no matter how much I may want it. On some level and maybe it's my own arrogance, but I believe he loves me. I do believe that.
"Well, what'd he say?"
"She doesn't know. My blood pressure is a little high, and she wants me to see a nutritionist. She thinks that might have something to do with it."
"Still not eating?"
"I eat, just not regularly."
"Okay, so we'll get you on a schedule. Did she give you medicine for your blood pressure?"
"Yes she did. Now, if you're finished prying into my life, you can go home." I honestly don't want him to leave me, not now. I am enjoying our banter and the façade we try to maintain as we both pretend that we hate each other. Is that sick?
"I'm not going home," he says stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest.
"If I say you're leaving, then you're leaving. This is my apartment buster, and I want you out!"
"Put on a nice dress and we'll go to dinner."
"I'm not going anywhere, especially not with you." Of course, I don't mean it. My heart skips a beat just thinking about having dinner with him, bad table manners and all.
"Sure you are. You can wear something red and clingy."
So, he likes me in red? He never mentioned that in the past. "Are you saying I look good in red?"
"Whatever, now chop, chop, we have reservations."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Don't worry about it; just do it."
A sane woman would walk over to him, smack him, reload, and then smack him again. I've never been accused of being sane, and when it comes to love, what woman is? I'm trying to maintain the slightest bit of hardness to my edges, but I'm not sure it's going to last for long. "Todd, I'm not going anywhere with you."
"Why do you have to be so difficult?"
"If you recall, the last time I left with you it ended badly. Sorry, Todd, my heart can't take it."
His beautiful eyes widen, as if something has just dawned on him. "So, it's your heart? That's what's wrong with you?"
"I didn't say that; I just can't deal with another broken heart. That's all I meant."
An expression of relief washes over his face, and for a moment I feel bad. I should hate him right now, and a part of me does, at the same time, I want to be held by him. There's one thing about him that I've always loved; he has always made me feel safe. No matter what happens to me, I know that he would give anything to keep me safe. Like right now, he's as afraid as me, and he would move heaven and earth to "fix me," as he would say.
"Oh, okay. So are you gonna get ready or not?" he asks in his usual gruff and demanding tone.
"This isn't fair, Todd."
"Life isn't fair; you should know that by now."
"I'm serious."
"Okay, what's not fair?"
"You coming here, being in my bed and in my life when you're the one who remarried and had another child. It's not fair to your wife, your family and it sure as hell isn't fair to me." I really want to cry right now, but I can't let myself fall apart, not in front of him. I'm supposed to be over this, damn it…I'm supposed to be over him.
I could swear a see something resembling remorse come across his face, but he's a master at hiding things and it quickly disappears. "I didn't have a choice," he mumbles.
"What?"
"Nothing, don't worry about it, okay?"
"Somebody has to worry about them since you obviously don't."
Before I know what I'm saying, from my mouth slips, "when you had the chance… the right to worry about me, you passed."
"Who left whom?" he yells, growing angrier by the minute.
That's not the point of this conversation and as many times as he's left me, this should be the last thing for him to bring up. Wait, okay, maybe I have been the one who has left the most, but I always run right back to him and beg for second third and fourth chances.
"Oh, you're speechless for once."
"You know something, Todd? You're an asshole."
"Thank you."
"It wasn't a compliment."
"If I wanted to be insulted, I'd be home with Blair right now."
"Then go there; she's the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with; she's the one who bore your children."
The widest smile crosses his lips and, of course, I melt. "She bores them all right."
In spite of myself, I start laughing and I can't stop. I haven't laughed like this in I don't know how long. It feels good to laugh, especially during such a difficult time in my life.
"So, you gonna get dressed so we can go out?"
What the hell? "Get outta here and let me change in private."
He gets out of my bed and starts toward the door. He stops suddenly and turns toward me. "For the record, I didn't choose her; I settled for her."
