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| NEVER AGAIN BY TIMA |
CHAPTER 19 |
NEVER AGAIN
chapter 19:
[Carlotta Vega smiles warmly as Tea enters her diner, happy to have her surrogate daughter in Llanview once again. Her smile quickly fades as Todd follows his ex-wife into the nearly deserted eatery.
Tea notices Carlotta's disapproving glance and gestures to Todd for him to wait for her in a booth next to the windows. She takes a deep breath as she approaches her dear, older friend.]
Tea: Don't say it.
[Tea takes a seat at the counter.]
Carlotta: That man...
Tea: I know exactly who he is and what he is. There's nothing you could tell me right now that I haven't been trying for weeks, even years, to convince myself of. It won't work.
Carlotta: He left you on an island to die.
Tea: He didn't want me to die. If he did, I certainly would have been dead a long time ago.
Carlotta: You don't find it disturbing that he's the kind of man who is capable of murder?
Tea: Every man is potentially capable of murder, every woman is as well, as my most recent court case shows.
Carlotta: I can't believe you're excusing his horrible actions.
Tea: I'm not excusing anything. I just don't believe his intention was for me to die on that island. That doesn't mean that I've forgiven his actions that placed me on that island, or kept me there so long.
Carlotta: Why are you with him again?
Tea: I'm not with him, not exactly. In fact, I've spent the last several minutes trying to convince myself not to let him get to me this time. I don't think it's working. I wish it were.
Carlotta: Follow your instincts.
Tea: Todd has this way of obliterating the protective bubble I've always tried to surround myself with. He has a way of pulling any sense of security I might manufacture out from under me. He shakes up my world like no one else ever has.
Carlotta: You say that like it's a good thing?
Tea: Isn't it?
Carlotta: Must you ask?
Tea: My entire life I've sought security. Financial security. Occupational security. Emotional security. I tried never to get too attached to anyone, or anything, for fear that someday everyone, and everything, would be taken from me.
Carlotta: Which is exactly what you can expect from that man every time. He doesn't know how to commit to anything, or anyone.
Tea: He commits to his own misery. I can relate to that. My quest for security has made me miserable, too. Why shouldn't I use him to have some fun while I can?
Carlotta: Your re-newed relationship with Todd is just for fun?
Tea: I'm not completely foolish. I know not to expect happily ever after...or anything ever after. I know whatever we'll have this time won't last. For a little while I have the chance to feel something more than numb. The more I think about it, the less I understand why I'm considering pushing that away.
Carlotta: Because you know heartache is all that can await you if you involve yourself with that man again.
Tea: Perhaps, but those glimpses of joy he allows me are worth the inevitable heartache, I've discovered.
Carlotta: I want you to be happy, but this...
Tea: This is my life. If I'm throwing it away, that's my choice. I promise, I won't ask you to pick up any pieces after this falls apart again.
Carlotta: I would be there for you, you know that. I just wish it were someone else that you were so determined to give your heart to, someone who deserved someone as special as you are.
Tea: I know it's hard to understand, even for me, but being with Todd makes me feel special...sometimes, for brief moments.
Carlotta: You deserve more.
Tea: With everyone else I've always only been able to go through the motions, wishing I felt this way, but being unable to. With Todd, I don't have to work at the feelings, I don't have to pretend. They're just there. I promise, I won't lose track of my heart this time. I won't be foolish enough to convince myself there's any chance for any kind of future with him, or that he'll ever return my love. I know this won't last, but for a little while I have the opportunity to give my love to the man I've been in love with for so long, who I'll unfortunately always be in love with. How can I not give him that?
Carlotta: He doesn't deserve it.
Tea: Todd only comes to me when he's convinced I'm the only one left who believes he does deserve love. I help him re-build his heart and he leaves me to share his repaired heart with someone else.
Carlotta: That sounds painful for you.
Tea: It is. It's a job I never wanted, but one that I can't seem to walk away from, because it's too important.
Carlotta: Who mends your heart, Tea?
Tea: Todd does. He doesn't know it. He's never aware that he's doing it. Somehow, while I'm healing him, he heals me. This isn't selfless on my part. This is necessary. I hate that he always gets hurt when he gives his heart away but, despite everything, I'm glad that I'm the one he turns to when that happens.
Carlotta: I will never understand why you put yourself through this.
Tea: I'm not asking you to understand. I'm asking you to support me, no matter how you feel about my choices.
Carlotta: I will always do that, of course. I just wish that you could know how wonderful it truly feels when your love is shared.
to be continued...
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2003 COPYRIGHT BY TIMA
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