Well, this is probably the last column I'll write in my itsy bitsy little apartment to a well itsy house but it's not bitsy...or itsy...it's just a house. I've been so tired lately with the moving but I also noticed that me sleeping in forever ends up making me more tired. A bottled Frappuchino is really all I need to boost me. I've had nearly every sort of energy drink imaginable in the western hemisphere, SobeAdrenaline, Red Bull, Frappuchino, Starbuck's Double Shot you name it I"ve had it. I was once asked by a tired friend what's the best to boost your energy in the middle of the day. If you're one of those caffine peoples and coffee's not working anymore, start with Red Bull, then the SobeAdrenaline is the next strongest, the Frapp and Double Shot by Starbucks take the cake on the strongest as far as I go. But I don't reccomend getting addicted to any sort of energy drink, you're better off with a smoothie or slushie, I'm a lost cause, my body relies on it. In my eye doctor's office though it was reccomended that if your in class and you can barely keep the peepers open that you should try buying really fragrant lotion that smells citrusy like oranges something really bright smelling like Victoria Secret's "Love Potion" in the middle of the day and putting it on in the middle of class...it may not make the guy sitting behind you happy but at least you'll be awake right?
I needed like all of those the other day I had to get up early and go to the house since my cousins were coming over to have breakfast since they had to pick up my aunt and uncle at the airport from their trip to Victoria, Canada. (Which I hope to take a road trip to next summer.) My cousin Jennifer and I are the two biggest retards when you get us together. She's about 20 and when you get her and I in the same room you're going to have pure comedy. We were in my and Mel's room listening to music and was doing everything possible to reverse the organization that was there. We settled down and went to go hang out with Travis my oldest cousin and his girlfriend Mary. Trav and Mary both at 23 act like an old married couple it's cute to see them together, Mary's so quiet and Travis is like Will Smith from the Fresh Prince years with a backwards cap and jokes for everyone, he's so sarcastic...runs in the family. But seeing them together both made Jenn and I sick, we both were lonely singles in a room with a couple who had a relationship that we both have attempted at before and have failed at. Of course...my personal life is a completely different chapter that I won't get into know. We all agree Mary's way too nice to have a guy that acts like a 3 year old with Calvin our 7 year old cousin at Thanksgiving. But they both are so in love at 23 and Lord only knows what road this is leading all to...I'm looking forward to putting on that dress I wore once to a wedding...not like I think they're getting married or anything...cough cough wink wink.
Well Townendmusic.com is up. The intro is amazing. I was telling Holly that it was such a trip to see flashing pictures and hear voices of a few people that we know. It wierded me out once I watched it for the seventh time. The visual appearance is very pleasing of the site. If I had to choose between this one though and the old site, it'd probably be the old site. This isn't just because Wendy and Bob did the site, it's truly because I felt like the site was a good environment, it was really welcoming. When I entered the old site it was like the guys were real people who just happen to be really good performers, and on top of that, it strangely linked me to the outside world, not just the guys, I liked that. Not like the new site isn't like that. It's got the message board and I'm sure it's going to be more developed down the road, maybe it's just me being wierded out by the guys' star status.
There's this picture on the new site of the guys in red with a black background. Not only do ALL the guys look fantastically handsome, it's so them. (Not like they ever have a "non-handsome" moment.) They're all leaning on Ryan and it's like the photographer clicked a button and made them a bunch of 10 year old boys on the playground in some nice clothes, it was really an innocent picture. I like it a lot. There are also new pictures of the guys that I haven't seen, they look really good, like REALLY good.
I've been so emotional lately. I sat in the car and cried because my mom and I were talking about my friends. It's not like my friends did anything wrong it's more like them growing up. I told her that I hope my sister meets and gets to know people from other high schools because it's really good for her. I was collectively telling her about all the people I've met, Joy, Amber, Courtney, Meg, Holly, Andrea, Katie, Sara, Kaitlyn, Pam, Kris, Mina, Sheerin, Stella, etc and then the whole conversation drifted to Andrea, Katie, and Sara leaving and i just cried. My mom was surprised to see me cry over people I see probably once or twice a month, I don't even cry at weddings. I was telling her how hard it is to let go of them to college and them not being in the same area. And all the other mental and emotional baggage that comes with them leaving and accepting the growth of all of us. There's nothing that kills me more than having to leave and walk away from all of them at an event or a get together, it's like I want to take all of them to a big house so we could all live together like one big slumber party or something. I absolutely HATE walking away from the girls, I dread going to events because I'm trying to not realize I'll have to leave.
I told my mom that even though the guys are getting big that my friendships with people have remained the same and that if I can't keep in touch with the guys or hang with them as much as I used to, I can always call on Holly to share with her exciting news about what i'm up to, spill to Andrea about a guy I like, or make stupid jokes with Joy like some psychopath. All of the girls bring out the best in me and I can always rely on them to put me on an adrenaline high.
Really this time has been so busy for me and I'm really sorry I haven't responded to all of you or something, but this club has been on my mind because I know I have duties here...I love them! But being out and about working on stuff has been fun too. I've been working with a bunch of people on a project. The project requires a lot of social duties, being people friendly and stuff. But if any of you know me at all I don't put up with trash very well, I think I told Mina about the time I snapped. Like last week in the office a guy walked in with his 12 year old sister. His name was David (which a friend and I later called him Dumb David). Dumb David must've been at least 26 or something. I happened to be at the front desk looking for a packet of photos and he asked for some assistance, of course everyone else was in the meeting i left to go find the pictures. Well David told me that he wanted to find representation for his younger sister, he gave me a tape with her singing on it and told me he'd wait as long as he'd have to in order to get an answer that very day from an agent. I took the tape back and an agent went back to go listen to the tape in his office and he said he couldn't help her and to go tell the man that he was sorry but the weren't looking for another female soloist because they already had one that was in the works. When I went back out to tell Dumb David with my friend Dalia, he WOULD NOT leave. He seemed persistent in getting his young sister into this one agency and said she was a well established yadah yadah. Eventually I said that I didn't work there as a desk clerk and I had a different purpose being behind the front desk. He got so annoying, he switched gears and asked if there was any way he could interest me in going to this pub down the street...haha. I think you could imagine what I said to him. All I can say is, don't mess with me when I'm looking for anything haha. So to answer your questions on what took me so long to reply...i'm preoccupied telling off wierdos at the offices.
But I think of it like this, I'd rather work under what I guess you can call a "company" with a boss that treats me with respect than what I had originally planned to do earlier this year this summer. My first interview was a disaster, and on top of that the prospectable boss treated everyone on the "firing row" with a zero amount of respect. I wanted the job so bad that I was willing to work under him as my boss! But after I nearly cried after the interview I decided that it must've been a sign and that something better would come along. My mom would've probably not signed the papers to let me work there even if i did get the job because she didn't think I should be treated like that anyways. But better stuff did come along and I don't have the subtitle of "Gopher" or "Office Mouse" under my name and have actually taken rank this summer. So summer jobs aren't all that bad. So yea Beverly, you shouldn't work for an employer with a jerk of a boss...no matter HOW much you want or love the field of buisness the job sits in. If I told you who the employer was you wouldn't believe me...so I won't say.
This girl named Kiyra emailed me a few days ago and asked me my personal advice for becoming a performer. I hope she knows who she's asking. I thought she may have thought that I was Ryan or one of the guys or something, but she told me she knew who it was and asked me my advice. I had to refer to my guru's interview. In the end Kiyra all I can say is this, follow your dreams then go past your dreams and make them a reality. Do everything you can to get what you want WITHOUT using people. A lot of people are going to be there for you but as time passes so will their friendships with some, those who stick with you are the ones you should trust. Those people are also the ones that you're going to owe everything to once you get where you're going. Don't ever use them and treat them with respect by acknowledging them. Be aggressive in getting on track and don't think that once you get your first gig that you can sit back because it's going to be only the beginning. You've got talent, don't let it overshadow who you are as a person.
I went shopping at Serramonte the other day and came back with well...one CD. I grabbed the Pinay CD "What Now." I actually like it, one of my friend's reccomended it. There's this song on the CD I don't have the sleeve in front of me it's the 4th track and it's a song about how this girl has been friends with a guy for a really long time. She has always wanted to tell him but as she works up the courage everytime he gets something new in his life and she gets scared of rejection. But in the song she sings of how she really wants to hook up with him because she never really understood how much she wanted him until she loved him in a different way. Besides the fact that it completely is an understatement of my life, the refrain goes something like, "Hello my love/i didn't know it was you/you stole my heart and now i don't know what to do/hello my friend tell me this isn't the end/but the start of something new/ baby of me and you."
Not only have I been walking around trying to master that song for the past few days, I relate to it not only on that "boy/girl" level, but as kinda metaphorical song. Matt told me that the idea of "Close Your Eyes" is metaphorical and I've seen this song the same way. I can also look at it not only about me and some guy but as the guys and their careers.
I find myself lately looking at the guys as performers more than friends. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. My image of them as friends are distorted right now because I guess all the recent changes in their events, public and private shootings of their video, it's wierd for me to take it in. Holly and I recently talked about how this is what we wanted for them and now it's actually happening and we're taking it like a two moms letting go of their babies into kindergarten. Soon they'll graduate and hit the big times, world tours...ok I don't want to talk about this. I'm going to cry. I've had the proud mother moments a lot.
Sometimes when I"m down I wish that someone like Dom was around so I could call on him and bug out about how much my life sucks at the moment like I used to. Or when I'm crying and I want nothing more than for Todd to hug me for a few seconds to make the pain go away like the way I had an aweful day the day of the LMNT thing and when I saw him I ran and nearly broke his Jamba Juice cup when I jumped up to hug him. There are also times when I get bored of myself (which happens on occasion) and there's a sunny day outside and I want Ryan to be there so we could go do random fun things outside like go for a long walk or something. Then there are times when I'm just feeling down and I need some wise words from a comforting voice and I need Matt around to say something encouraging or funny. There are also times that something happens out of no where and I want to jump up for joy and Nick's not around to share that happiness with.
Now they're so far it seems, I know that there was no intention of them doing it. In fact I look at it as a good thing because it shows that they've surpassed the level of having free time and entered the marketing world of a boy band. Although it sucks for me, they're benefiting from it and that's what matters. Plus it's not like I can't spill my guts out to Amber. It's not like I can't get hugs to make it better from Joy. It's not like I can't go hang out with Meg. And it's not like I can't encouraging words from Courtney. And FO SHO I can ALWAYS jump for joy and share happiness with Holly. In fact sometimes its better that I do all that with the girls because they're so damn cool. My girls are always there for me, it makes me a better person when I'm around them because they offer some sort of equilibrium for me because the best of me comes out when I'm being myself around them.
I've seen the guys now in a different light will visions of them still linger in an old light. I'm ok with the fact that I can see two of them but it's so wierd for me to get used to the reality that I know people, YOU know people who have this career. For me the most exciting person was my Godfather who's a cop, that was dangerous and had an edge to it, but now I'm also seeing that the guys have a career just as dangerous. But it's not like the don't have the weapon to protect themselves. I know they can do it. It's just a little over a month till we see them on MTV's TRL. It's also just a little over a month until we see them reach the level we've all hoped for them from the very beginning. I know they are ready, but are WE?
I know this is wierd to think about and I don't want to force the idea on anyone that we have to completely let go of them as friends and become full on fans who love them for being gorgeous with talent like any other teeny bopper fan of a group because Townsend fans are better than that and have created a whole new image of "fans." In all honestly I have never met a group's fans and ended up creating life lasting friendships with a lot of them. I know this is a sidetrack from the column but let me tell you now that if you're reading this...you ROCK because even if I haven't met you, I know you're cool. I rarely make that judgement on complete strangers, but I just did.
I have already recieved a few emails in my personal emails insinuating the fact that I you can guess say "despise" the guys' road to fame and that I don't want them to succeed. Trust me, if you know me at all there's nothing I want more than to see them. If I had to sacrifice my friendships and completely cut off all communications with them so they could be famous and achieve all of their goals, I would. Of course I'd suffer for a while but I'd do it for them because they'd probably do the same. I talk to Holly often and divulge how much and how fast things are changing. We both agree that this is what both parties (being them and us) want for Townsend, international aknowledgement and respect is what the deserve after this long and dreary road. A lot of people outside looking in have made the judgement that the guys skipped all the tough stuff and got the glam package. It's totally not that. I could probably write a whole separate column on that alone but I won't, it's too much for even me to talk about. I think that behind the scenes that a lot goes on that comes out as if it was done in a heartbeat when it instead took way longer, progression takes time, not just money.
One of our readers thinks I hate Dom and another reader thinks I'm in love with Dom. One reader thinks I'm head over heels for Matt and the other thinks that I want to get my groove on with Ryan. One reader thinks that I'm also deeply interested in Nick and one reader thinks that I support Todd and call him my "big bro" due to the fact that he's the leader and therefore he has "contol." A lot of those emails from those people and other side comments by other are quite bold...I've taught you well haha. But no really, as far as "gettin my grove on" with Ryan...or ANY other of the guys, I'd like you to know that I"ve settled for the more realistic things in life. The chances of me going out with them are the chances of MTV going off air this very second. A lot of speculations have been made and been reported to both Holly and I about "status" with the guys. I know that Holly isn't going out with any of them and I know and I'm pretty sure I'M not going out with any of them. Would we like to? Sure why the heck not? We're not stupid ya know. In fact I'm sure we'd give a lot to go out with one of them if it came right down to it, haven't YOU ever been lonely? Both Holly and I...as well as a lot of us compare a guy we like to the qualities that they have that are similar to Nick or Ryan or Matt or Todd or Dom. It's natural to be attracted to them but it's also natural to have the feelings of friendship engulf and force attraction down for a platonic relationship, which we have embraced with arms wide open.
First the easy things...I support Todd because he's TODD. About 5 1/2 years ago the only Todd I knew was...well I didn't even know a Todd and a Todd was the last person I'd expect to know. If you told me in 7th grade I was about to meet a Todd at a concert in January I would've laughed because when you say the name "Todd"
Does this mean that we hate them? Of course not. Holly, has more than myself, a lot of tolerance for people in general. For me, you get two guys be stupid or jerkish and I think it's National F$&% *$ Day. In fact I'm glad that Holly rubs off on me as well as everyone else like Kaitlyn, Sara, Joy, Courtney, etc.. I've come to be more tolerant of wierdos. A LOT and I mean a lot of emails have come into my Townsendette_Kristen@yahoo.com email box. Have especially come in about Dom, Matt, and Nick. Part of me is glad that I'm refered to for other Townsenders other than Ryan but another part is...well there's no words for this feeling. I'm not angry and not upset, more like intrigued I guess you could say. The assumption has been made amongst a few people that I have a quote "thing" for Nick and Matt. Ok I can admit that many moons ago...and that's MANY moons ago...I may have thought of Nick as a "crush" I was a lonely single girl who was boycrazy (well more than now). Nick though has lost the crush label...not because I think he's ugly, but because I've seen Nick lately especially as a very wonderful individual and with Matt he's the very soothing sun to my moon and day to my night, he's a comforting soul to be around. The same goes for both that I cherish their friendships more than ANY romantic interest and so I hope that answers the questions I got from about 13 of you over the past 2 1/2 weeks regarding the two of them. To me they're synonomous to my friendships with Joe and Dan...I love them wayyy too much to take a chance at all that it's just wierd to think about.
The whole Dom thing has got me as my friend Steph would say "buggin'." Did I even use that right? At first the assumption was made that I was in love with him and that's shifted like the earth has moved or something. I got maybe 5 emails (some incorporated with the whole Nick and Matt thing) saying that they like Dom and they think I hate him or as one even said "loathe" Dom. Haha ok first let me tell you this, I could never hate Dom. "Hate" is too strong a word to use in the same sentence as "Dom" unless it's "I don't hate Dom." I'd much rather all of you think I'm in love with him rather than hate him. I really don't. I recently emailed him and told him that I knew we were growing apart but I would love to help him with a favor he asked of me. He wrote me a very very sweet email back telling me that he couldn't be disappointed or upset or angry at me if he tried and that we're cool no matter what. He didn't have to go out of his way to make me feel like that but he did. Dom's a unique individual in the fact that he's like the way Shrek described Ogars....an onion. No he doesn't smell stinky or make me cry but he's got layers. I always see that a new layer is peeled backwards when I see or talk to him. In the middle is his heart and I see that the layers are much more complex than any individual that I have ever met. He's what some people could call an "old soul." It seems as if he has more to him than your average 22 year old. He walks around with much more in his head than any other 22 year old I know. Have I grown apart from Dom? Yeah, yeah we have grown apart. But it definetly I feel comes with the territory of his career and it comes with no fault of his own it just happened. We've grown apart in the fact that I don't talk to him nearly as much anymore. We used to talk frequently and the last time we talked online or in person was on the 11th of this month for a conversation on how we haven't seen each other or talked in a while. I remember because I logged it into my diary as the day I talked to Dom for the first time in a long time. Earlier this year he even said something like, 'it's nice to know you're okay" and i replied with a "I'm glad to know you''re doin good too." It killed me when he said that, it was both of our ways to acknowledge that we've grown apart whether or not we knew it on the outside. I tried to break the tension with, "it's not like I'm dead or anything" but he said something like "no I'm just glad you're doing well." It was something too formal for him to say and he even spelled it right. Sometimes I miss Dom and I think that there's an "old Dom" he left somewhere behind on this road to MTV land but I know he still has the Dom I knew inside of him and it's overshadowed once in a while by his microphone and entertainer clothing. So I'm not missing an old personality but just a friend who happens to be working for a living and a dream at the same time.
So I hope that clears everything up with the 3 of the guys. But the whole Dom thing worries me more than anything else because I truly and dearly love Dominic and the last thing I want you to think is that I hate (or even anything near it) a wonderful person, because I don't. Of course I'm not going to try hard to make you think I'm not in love with Nick or Matt or try to make you think that Holly is in love with Ryan or Todd, we leave that up to your own decisions and options, hey love is love right? Who are we to say we don't give off those vibes? Haha...oh the emails we're going to get...sorry Holly. I guess the better choice of wording there would be, if you would prefer to believe that Holly or myself is in love with the guys...we'd prefer you think that then to make you think we hate them...just don't go telling everyone we admitted to confessing our love okay?
There isn't a day goes by where I zone out and I have a few empty seconds in my day and the guys flash through. There's not a day that they don't occupy a vacancy in my mind. There is always going to be something that reminds me of them or something that makes me miss them a bit more because they are a big part of me. But at the same time, I know it happens to a lot of you who are reading this very second. Yes...YOU. Don't deny it, they have a spell that they've cast on all of us...but that's a whole nother topic...we'll save that for another day. But for now, I want to leave you with this, don't dismiss the idea of growing closer rather than growing further with a friend, time has a way of challenging all of us to the obstacles of friendships and all we can do is jump the hurdles and try and keep up with it.
Stay Safe & Stay You
Love Always,
Kristen
Townsendette_Kristen@yahoo.com
xoxoxo