Well, I'm sunburnt, have tanlines now, dusty flip flops, a wet bathing suit, and plenty of picnic food in my stomach...yup summer is definetly here. I'm also really proud of myself that I've survived my first two weeks without Joe and Dan. It's kinda sad that I haven't talked to them in 2 whole weeks but i've sent them a letter to keep in touch...i have no idea how long it's going to take to get over there but I know it will before they leave. This summer has been quite incredible for me and the fact that i survived most of it is pretty incredible too. Not like I've been doing anything dangerous like that or whatever but half the things I've done would kill me out of pure embarassment...I think I've gotten over that haha.
Ok, so I have to admit, I'm getting sad. We're in mid-July, this means that there's about a month and a half left in summer which means in a little under in a month and a half Sara, Katie, and Drea are leaving to Chico, SoCal, and Arizona. Hit me like a bolt of lightning on Sunday...as well as plenty of seaweed. When I realized that I realized how close I've become to a lot of Townsend people that have become more than that, friends, compadres, sisters, buddies, everything. There's nothing I love more than to be surrounded by EVERYONE that I have collectively met over the past 3 and half years. In fact the past three years or so...has been three and a half years? Yeah it has.
Good Lord, 3 1/2 years how weird is that?! I've thought about it multiple times before but this time around it hit me a little bit harder, especially since I almost cried saying goodbye to Sara, Katie and Drea like I'd never see them again or something. For three years I've become part of this close knit group of manaics, just as crazy as I am (or maybe not...they like to humor me...) who are so wonderful and such an asset to my life that we're growing. Not like growing's bad, growing's good in every sense but we're getting older, and the first of us are being set out into the world...the REAL world. How crazy is that? Just the other day I realized Melanie was going to be an 8th grader which means in a year she'll be a freshman and I'm going to be some old lady with a walker. Heck I"ll have the walker tomorrow if time doesn't slow itself down.
When I sit with all these people I realize that there's no one else I'd want to be, no where else I'd want to be. You know how every once in a while you think "Geez if I were just someone else" or you wish you weren't in your own skin? I think that and suddenly I realize, no I love the life I lead and the people who are in it. When I have lunch with them, hang out with them, or even just sit and don't talk I realize that there's so much more than just "Townsend Fan" there's best friends, and people I divulge so much to that I wish I lived so much closer to all of them. But what I've noticed is that the fact that we don't live practically next to each other makes us miss each other so much more than normal friends. Normal friends see eachother on practically a weekly basis. We see each other once a month and if we're lucky two or three.
It's like those reunions that you go to for an old class. You know what I mean? "Oh so and so how have you been?" with a huge hug and a smile 5 miles wide. How does that saying go about the heart and longing for someone? However it goes it's true. I've grown with them so much and it kills me that even though they'll be in the same time zone, no part of me wants to accept that they're leaving because when I finally decide to accept that I'm going to be an emotional mess and then I'll realize that Drea, Sara, and Katie aren't the only ones leaving, there's so many more people that are soon going to be set loose into the real world.
What I'm scared of isn't figuring out my taxes, paying rent, or getting to a job interview on time, I'm worried about losing myself to the real world. I'm not scared of a big city, heck I've grown up in one my whole life (moving to the suburbs in a couple of weeks is what scares me...) but losing all I know is what scares the living daylights out of me. I know that I"m always going to call Amber when i'm upset and crying, I'm always going to give Kaitlyn a hard time about talking about the sizes of her cats, and a BUNCH of us are going to use the word "Happiness" to describe everything BUT Disneyland.
I've been trying to humble and subside those sad feelings since I know I worry too much about it. I see the guys and it's like "Hey, they're still the guys." In fact I'm always really happy to see Todd and Matt in Abercrombie Tshirts because then I know that they're not wearing expensive designer Versaci shirts. In fact just watching them lounge made me happy because part of me realized that no matter how much hype they have surrounding them, there's nothing like kicking back with a can of soda and plenty of junk food to go around with my closest of kin (wow i just sounded like 76 years old.) Most of the time when i see the guys there's so much craziness going on around them, so much hype and hysteria that I can see them but I can't see them, you know? I'm not saying they've lost their heads at all but they've certainly become part of the hysteria.
My mom noticed especially how strangely I get along with people i refer to as "my sisters and family" I see once or twice a month. She just understood that there's more than a common enjoyment in music, there's a common enjoyment of each other. She particularly enjoys hanging out with the other parents talking up a storm. But she also enjoys the guys. The only boybands we've BOTH liked have been the Beach Boys, All-4-One, Boyz II Men, and now Townsend. She and the rest of my family have a deeper appreciation for Townsend because of the "history." That and she loves how gentlemenlike and well mannered they are for some guy friends that KRISTEN has. She is also surprised to see me so comfortable as myself and being in high school at the same time.
My mom and dad has ALWAYS told me how I should never take time for granted, never take people for granted, and most importantly, never take life and love for granted, because they can be taken away from me before I can even realize it. You should hear her when in the presense of Bob and Wendy, it's kinda funny...at my expense but at least i think it's funny. She recently decided she wants Matt to rub off on me a little bit more when she got to spend some time talking with him. She gets joy out of talking to such a "family oriented, well-mannered young man" (to me of course he's all that but also a funny, fart entertained, athletic water fighting dude as well).
I've realized that while in confined spaces with people you get to know each other well. I'm not talking confined like jail (although I'm sure people get to know one another in jail too...but that's not the road i was heading down) but like a car. Matt and my mom talked about his family. His family is incredible, I already knew it but seeing Matt's eyes light up when he talks about them is so adorable. I try to soak up the knowledge and ideals Matt has since it's obvious he's one of the most grounded guys on the face of this planet. He asked in the car my feelings about Townsend. He's so worried that stuff won't happen or stuff WILL happen and it's going to be bad. I commented about one of the artists on a song performing. It was another boy band and he said something about how good they were and I commented on how it just didn't rub me the right way musically. I said they were good looking but the superficial side of me could only help me out for so long until I realized that i was musically separated from it. Suddenly Matt became very aware of my feeligns toward this boy band inparticular and he immediately asked me which venue I thought Townsend was good in. I honestly told him that he was well rounded and that they had no reason to be self consious. He even asked if I had the EP (duh) and what my favorite song was. We were talking about groups that had the songs that had the catchy little tid bits in it and how Matt wants one of those. But I'm sure all of us can agree that Townsend does have that sound.
Earlier when I told you how scared I am of losing myself, I meant it. We've all seen the guys grow, I mean they've become a lot if you think about it. As a group coreography has become so much more in synch (no pun intended) and the harmonies have smoothed themselves out. Their style has gone from Gap to Abercrombie to Diesel to Lord knows what designer now. And their fan base has grown upwards with the sturidest of sturdiest foundations. But they haven't lost themselves. I told Matt he had a good head on his shoulders and then he started talking about how he thinks he has a big head...physically. He still has this innocense that makes it worthwhile you know? I know that he hasn't lost himself because we were talking about his hair. He was talking about how long his hair is getting and how he has to cut it this week for the video. But he also said, "I don't really care about my hair, I just want us to do well." It was the first time in a long time that I have heard something so earthy. He also said, "I'd rather us be up on stage with my hair like this and for everyone to say 'man they were awesome' than 'wow they're hott.' you know?" I don't know, DO i know? I've never had sugar pelted at me or anyone screaming my name (unless i was in trouble) or even getting on stage and performng to that extent. But I think ALL of us know just a tad watching Townsend go through the motions what he means. But I was so floored when he said that. I mean it never suprised me that Matt would say something like that, it's in his blood to do so, but to hear something so heartfelt, so meaningful and most of all, so truthful on his part made me realize that there is nothing in this world that could make his head big (in the egotistic sense haha).
I see Todd as well. He's almost 24, some people his age have already started a family and he's out doing a boy band thing. He's constantly in the flashes of camera lights, constantly being asked questions about his personal life, and nothing is sacred anymore. Has he lost himself? No actually, he's still the very demure, caring, funny guy that we all realized was the "funny man" of the group. From the very beginning he would never go too far out of his comfort zone of style, while the other guys paraded in designer clothes, Todd much prefered the most comfortable he couuld find, jeans, a T-shirt, and some tennis shoes. I look at him, and I look at my cousin who's just a few months apart and I see the same sense of wholeness in both. The same sense of "I'm comfortable in my own skin" type of thing. That alone's going to make him the leader in ANY situation.
Rye though is still Rye...actually Rye's still Rye with a twist. He's got some pretty massive sex appeal with a large following of girls interested to see the old Ryantorres.com pictures in the flesh. I think the only real thing that's changed underneath what we see to Ryan now a days is, well probably his boxers (which is a good thing). Think about it, he is the youngest member at the age of 21 and he has to worry about getting to vocals and dance rehearsal on time rather than getting to class on time so he can get a masters in something. That's sacrifice and dedication right there. I don't know if I could ever do that without second guessing myself the whole time. I look at him and he's so mature and so established in his own skin that I can only hope when i reach that age in life i can be the same way. (Except as a girl.)
The twins, well they're still the same in most ways. Their muscles have gotten bigger that's for sure. But Nick is still the homemaker and Dom is still Mr. Buisness and Mr. Man put together. Sometimes I wonder what's going to happen if Nick is put in some house without a kitchen...what would he do all day? I also wonder what would happen if Dom was put on an island by himself...I wonder if he would find some inadiment object to make conversation with like Wilson in that movie with Tom Hanks. Nick and I still joke around like it's no big deal and I feel bad when he writes an email that goes something like, "I'm sorry we didn't get to talk much on ______ we don't get to hang out more." I feel bad not because we don't chill but because he feels bad that we don't chill. But we both know that what he's doing comes in the territory of less chill time. Just letting go a little bit more right? Geez I feel like a mom.
I wish I could say that the whole world is like this but I can't. Sadly enough we all know someone who's lost themself into another demension of personality and we can only wait till something knocks them back down to earth. But one thing I can tell you is that no matter how scared you or I may be, that there will be no one to blame but ourselves if we ever let go of who we are. We all have to hold on in a sense to everything that we know in order to do that. I plan to hold on to all my family and friends forever (whether they like it or not) no matter how many tears we shed, how many hugs we've hugged, how many emails or letters we've sent, and no matter how many pictures we take, all I can do is just hold on.
Stay Safe & Stay You
Love Always,
Kristen
Townsendette_Kristen@yahoo.com
xoxoxo